Need Advice ...

[Spee]

Just had a long conversation with my tgf/fiance' who had spoken with her mother today. It seems that her mother is worrying about some comments from people in the home village, about her daughter being engaged to a falang.

They see all sorts of things like breaking ground on a new home, a little extra money coming in, and have started to create worries for her mother, by saying things like:

- her daughter must be selling herself for money (which she isn't)

- that I will run away at some point and leave her and her family high and dry

- the daughter is no good because she is going to marry a falang

I'm especially concerned because according to my fiance', her mother has a history of heart trouble and she is all alone (the father is either dead or m-i-a).

I have plans to go meet her mother and spend time in the village in a little over a month. I've done some reading about what to expect, but have no advice for how to approach a worried mother (who won't know much english, and I only some thai), not to mention anyone in the village who may be expressing negative opinions.

I have a few ideas of my own, but would really be grateful from others who may have experienced this sort of thing first hand.

Please feel free to respond in the forum or via pm.

[davethailand]

may be a bit blunt spee but don't worry about it, as long as you and your gf are ok then great. the other people in the village are just jealous and are only concerned about the money.

her mum should rise above it and be pleased that her daughter is being taken care of.

[chonabot]

Yes , my thoughts exactly , Jealousy amongst villagers in Ban Nok ( upcountry) is a way of life. In my wife's village several people experienced strokes (the serious type!) when I hired a brand new top of the range Mercedes to visit them for the first time. It had the desired effect...

[Khun ?]

They only understand money. Pass some out when you get there and they will be happy each and ever visit there after.

[tutsiwarrior]

look to see who is the bossman in the family...any brothers or sisters? You keep them happy then your position is secure. In my own case my wife has always been the most responsible...looking after her mother and etc. When I came along the wife just cast a steely glance and that was all it took. I subsequently bought a house to confirm my commitment (and for my own homeless purposes as well) so now nobody can say sh1t about a dubious falang. Now there is nothing but smiles and good cheer all up and down the street...neighbors, distant relatives and the lot...with the support nobody fukcs with me or my wife in our little town...

[taxexile]

look to see who is the bossman in the family...any brothers or sisters? You keep them happy then your position is secure.

v.good advice.

[Bluecat]

- the daughter is no good because she is going to marry a falang

That's the first time I hear this one.

Time you visit the parents with Chonabot's Mercedes,...

[sbk]

They only understand money. Pass some out when you get there and they will be happy each and ever visit there after.

Fabulous advice there, and people wonder why they are looked at as walking ATM's. Money doesn't buy respect in this country, it just buys trouble.

And as for the 'marrying a farang is not a good idea' problem, I am afraid it is very common. The mother of the woman that came to work at our place told her not to get involved with a farang, that it would be very bad. My husband was often asked why he married a farang when he didn't need the money. My university educated neighbor gets regularly hassled when she travels with her farang husband.

I am afraid the only way to get along is just smile, be pleasant, and after you have been married 10 or so years people will start to accept you.

[Spee]

look to see who is the bossman in the family...any brothers or sisters? You keep them happy then your position is secure.

Tanks Toots and Others ....

So far you have confirmed my suspicions.

My fiance' is oldest daughter and is responsible for her daughter and her mother, and a younger brother to a lesser degree.

Neither she nor I are alpha-types, but are not really ones to back down when we get riled up either. In the past few weeks, we're finding many more things in common that we first thought.

Since I've been steady with my tgf/fiance' (6 months and counting) ...

- daughter and brother have received clothes and small gifts (not asked for, something I wanted to do)

- daughter has received needed items for school, and will soon start going to a better school

- mother gets 20k baht every month (again not asked for, something I wanted to do)

- fiance' has received 4baht thai gold jewelry and a nice diamond engagement ring

- house construction has started, fiance' paying 40% and me paying 60%

I can see where some of this has probably filtered back through the village through one source or another. Possibly some are jealous. Possibly some don't understand. I guess time and experience will tell for everyone, including us.

Thanks again for all advice so far and that yet to come.

[Bluecat]

I am afraid the only way to get along is just smile, be pleasant, and after you have been married 10 or so years people will start to accept you.

Impressive, Sbk.

You are a very, very patient woman or he is really, really special,...

[taxexile]

Since I've been steady with my tgf/fiance' (6 months and counting) ...

- daughter and brother have received clothes and small gifts (not asked for, something I wanted to do)

- daughter has received needed items for school, and will soon start going to a better school

- mother gets 20k baht every month (again not asked for, something I wanted to do)

- fiance' has received 4baht thai gold jewelry and a nice diamond engagement ring

- house construction has started, fiance' paying 40% and me paying 60%

you dont say how well off or otherwise the family are at the moment, but you seem to be quite the generous type !! go easy there. you may soon find yourself besieged with all kinds of requests from relatives that if aren't met may cause problems.once you start it will be very hard to turn off the tap. better to be there for the real emergencies than as a constant provider of luxuries.

good though that the house costs are being shared.

[davethailand]

TAX HAS JUST WON THE BEST AVATAR AWARD, SURELY.

[Spee]

you dont say how well off or otherwise the family are at the moment, but you seem to be quite the generous type !!

though i had some doubts when we were first together, i now believe that she is very honest with me

i think early in the relationship, she was being purposely deceptive on occasion out of fear, protection, not completely trusting in me; all of which is very understandable if i try to look at life through her experiences

so I put myself out on the limb and told her what I was willing to commit to; with that in mind and now over time, we are very open and honest

her family is not well off; father is either dead or m-i-a (she tells me dead so I believe dead); one brother works but is not close to the family; another brother is in school , but works for his tuition and expenses

mother has a bad ticker and fiance' is concerned about her working at hard toil for low wage

as oldest, fiance' feels very much obligated to provide and support everyone; we agreed that while I am sending money to help support, she is using other money for saving and for daughter's education

I tell her that I'm not rich, but I will share what I have .... she understands and does not ask for too much, though I try to give what she asks for plus a little more

I also tell her things like:

- I'm not perfect, she's not perfect, but together maybe we are perfect (sort of borrowed from movie "Good Will Hunting" but it works for me)

- when we marry, she will be able to do whatever she wants (go to school, work, or be a stay at home mom)

- sometimes life is good, sometimes life is bad, but stay together and everything will work out

in the conversation today, while she spent a long time telling me how worried she is for her mother, she spent the rest of the time telling me how much she cares for me and how much she wants to stay with me

so i while i think things will work out and be okay, i am concerned about the home front because she is concerned about it

[phazey]

I had the same sort of thing. All changed once the wedding was over (they loved the free nosh up!). Now i think i can say i'm accepted by the other village members - at least i can sit down and talk to all of them in a friendly manner.

[tutsiwarrior]

It is important to agree upon family support arrangments before marriage. Later, if there is a problem the wife should run interference with others in the family that would want extra, ie., bankrolling business deals and etc. The wife should simply indicate 'No'. If someone is dying of cancer then that's another question...

20k baht per month is generous with the mother-in-law...I got the same arrangement myself and in my case supports 3 nieces living with their grandmother. Nobody should complain in that regard.

In all cases the wife should be involved. If she figures that you are a kineow falang regardless of your best intentions then move on down the road...

[phazey]

I'm confused on this point. When i asked my wifes father for permission to marry, he just said "whatever makes my daughter happy", no mention of dowries, family payments or the like.... "?" is sorta what i fealt about that. when it comes to me suggesting "a little something for mum and dad" she'll either say "no, it's ok" or we'll buy them a holiday somewhere.....am i unique in this experiance ?

[tuky]

I'm confused on this point. When i asked my wifes father for permission to marry, he just said "whatever makes my daughter happy", no mention of dowries, family payments or the like.... "?" is sorta what i fealt about that. when it comes to me suggesting "a little something for mum and dad" she'll either say "no, it's ok" or we'll buy them a holiday somewhere.....am i unique in this experiance ?

Not at all, the dowry I am to pay is making their daughter happy.

That was all they wanted, however, as the good daughter and son in law we will buy them a car in the next year or so, by our own sense of duty and love.

I was wondering if perhaps I WAS ALONE...thanks for the confirmation Phazey

[Bluecat]

I'm confused on this point. When i asked my wifes father for permission to marry, he just said "whatever makes my daughter happy", no mention of dowries, family payments or the like.... "?" is sorta what i fealt about that. when it comes to me suggesting "a little something for mum and dad" she'll either say "no, it's ok" or we'll buy them a holiday somewhere.....am i unique in this experiance ?

I have the same experience in the sense that the father of my girlfriend is happy to see his daughter happy (as well as the mother, btw).

I never experienced what Sbk mentioned, either in Bkk with my "Hi-so" Thai friends (girls and boys) and their family or with the "rich" and the "poor" members of my girlfriend's family.

But I do not say it can not happen, I just never experienced it.

So I guess, it is always the same, everybody makes comments based on his own experience and thinks this is the truth, the only truth.

Oh, well, at least it allows us to have some lively discussions,...

[12call]

I'd like to reply.

[appleman_thai]

Spee,

Be careful - 6 months is not a long time to know anyone........ Im not saying that she isnt 100% legit but better to be safe than sorry.

To better understand your situation you would need to give more details about you and your fiancee;

where did you meet?

How old are you and how old is she?

What did she work as before?

Do you live in Thailand with her?

First time down the aisle for both of you?

By answering some of these tough questions I think there are some very knowledgeable people on this forum that would be willing to give you good advice..... or critisicm - but as long as its constructive then its ok, eh?

Check out stickmans website for all the tales and mishaps...... but there are definitely some lucky guys out there who land on their feet - lets hope thats you.

I have visited my ex gf's village after knowing her for about 4 months..... not all was what it seemed and luckily for me I got out without loosing too much. NOw I have Thai GF for over 2 years and I still havent been to her village yet...... its a real big deal and its really really important to a "nice" girl that you are 100% going to stick with her..... last thing she wants is a list of different farangs that visit the village................

Best of luck

[Bluecat]

its a real big deal and its really really important to a "nice" girl that you are 100% going to stick with her..... last thing she wants is a list of different farangs that visit the village................

That's quite a good point, Appleman that I did not really think about.

But now that you say it.

by saying things like:

- her daughter must be selling herself for money (which she isn't)

- that I will run away at some point and leave her and her family high and dry

Why is it so?

This is not at all an AUTOMATIC perception.

Sorry, Spee but maybe it happened in their village before and I would prefer not to comment further. I could be wrong, as always,...

[RDN]

TAX HAS JUST WON THE BEST AVATAR AWARD, SURELY.

Looks like some moderator has censored it, or there's something seriously wrong with my PC.

[Bluecat]

Looks like some moderator has censored it, or there's something seriously wrong with my PC.

My pleasure,...

[Bluecat]

You're right, censored,...

[maerim]

last thing she wants is a list of different farangs that visit the village

You are jesting of course,that's exactly what she does want, to show how popular she is and rub the noses in of the decent women who have to go into the fields everyday for 100 baht a day.

[RDN]

You're right, censored,...

Oh well, thanks for trying..

[natee1]

She is not deceiving you anymore because you give more than they could hope for already, Spee.

Any idea how little a month hard work salary is for the people you describe?

Or maybe something more sinister is awaiting you further down the line, you have known her for 6 months only, right?

[Bluecat]

You're right, censored,...

Oh well, thanks for trying..

In case you do not know how to do it, you can see it here:

www.gamespy.com/avatars/av/s068.gif

[RDN]

Just had a long conversation with my tgf/fiance' who had spoken with her mother today. It seems that her mother is worrying about some comments from people in the home village, about her daughter being engaged to a falang.

They see all sorts of things like breaking ground on a new home, a little extra money coming in, and have started to create worries for her mother, by saying things like:

- her daughter must be selling herself for money (which she isn't)

- that I will run away at some point and leave her and her family high and dry

- the daughter is no good because she is going to marry a falang

I'm especially concerned because according to my fiance', her mother has a history of heart trouble and she is all alone (the father is either dead or m-i-a).

I have plans to go meet her mother and spend time in the village in a little over a month. I've done some reading about what to expect, but have no advice for how to approach a worried mother (who won't know much english, and I only some thai), not to mention anyone in the village who may be expressing negative opinions.

I have a few ideas of my own, but would really be grateful from others who may have experienced this sort of thing first hand.

Please feel free to respond in the forum or via pm.

I have had a very similar experience with my Thai g/f too. I give her the same amount for rebuilding the family home, people in the village say the same things about her (selling herself, I will run off), they even say my new Toyota truck is a rental (what a silly thing to make up!).

The odd thing is that there are many nice houses in her village paid for by farangs (a lot of Japanese) but the women in those houses don't seem to get any hassles, or maybe I just don't get to hear it.

But I've visited 4 times and the last time (at Songkran) was good fun, playing with her younger brother and very young sister (who is the happiest little girl I have ever known - always skipping aroung instead of walking or running, and ready to go for anything at the local shop). I think maybe the village people have finally accepted me - had a good time playing "Gung Gai" (a gambling game, just for a few Baht) with friends of the family.

So don't worry too much, a lot of what you are experiencing is due to sheer jealousy. Give it time.

[medicinebox]

I hope it works out for you really.

You're heart is in the right place, but it all seems to be based around money and benefits to them.

Will falang money buy you respect from Thai's? Or will it breed contempt amongst family members who think they aren't getting their fair share. It will certainly be the topic of conversation over dinner.

IMHO, I would have got the bus to the village, and played it that I had a modest, but substantial income, but the important thing was that I loved their daughter.

Just the way I would have done it..