This may get long , but I would like ladies (and reasonable guys) help with information and answers to questions.

My story: Met Thai lady born up North but living in Yala (helped raise sister kids) through friend who had placed her photo on internet. Over year of emails, found she had been married (buddist family wedding) and had three children. Husbands parents did not approve of wedding and found Chiness Thia wife for him, who he legally married and had more children. Stopped relationship 7 years ago.

First visit, chaperoned and Thai friends who met lady told me lady very simple from farm family of 11, 6 grade education, cooks to support self. Very traditional Thai lady. Very sweet and afectionate in limited fashion. True lady.

Last visit in December we had Buddhist (9 monks) and civil wedding with family only. Mia kept cost reasonable and never asked me for anything when it came to $$. I discussed dowery with others ( I brought up) I read all the theroies on what to pay. I offered what I felt was reasonable and would make family and her happy. (B40,000) and (B50,000) in gold ( she picked sparkle jewerly over bath gold, for her and not to sell.)

Went to village in North East and visited family. She seemed very happy when I asked to spend our after marriage time visiting family. I enjoy seeing the real life and not tourist areas, rode family long boat, water buffalo, rice fileds, meat markets. Playing cards, Which was only time she said "Ro jer mon ee" loved it.

Once married she was more then I ever expected in sweetness and affection. Very considerate and loving to me. Still a little shy but very loving. Then spoke a few english words like "I love you" .

Presented herself as very strong person,(dispute with Taxi driver and Police, she took over) surviving in Yala Terrorist areas and supporting three children. No history of customer service or having worked entertainment area. Also spoke NO english. My thai is better and I am learning more.

At village we gave small amounts of $$ to sisters, all the kids and I felt good doing that after seeing some of the homes. Again I offered and she did not have to ask me. I read many of the forums and culture info and new how to act if i wish Thai wife. Not like many who want Thai wife but want her to be like American wife. Do not get that.

Before I went home ( have to file paper work in US ) I asked about her budget. No real answer as to what she needed, basicly she lives on what she has, sometimes more sometme less. i knew that father of children paid for school, which I also found that he would most likely stop once he found she got married. I told her I expect now that we were married that it was my obligation to support her as my wife (and my pleasure) I did not support before married and she did not ask, even turned down money when offered.

My question: (FINALLY) for a person renting a two room place in Yala, supporting three Children, paying for school and household cost what is reasonable.

She has an ATM card (cheaper then Western Union) and she takes out B10,000 two times a month.

Second Question: Once married will past thai husband respect that she is married to me or can a Thai man force himself on her as he is the father of the children. I was told that they had not been together for several years. But I still worry.

Any words of support or help is appreciated . With all the complaining I see, I would like to say I have not been happier with my wife and the experience. Plan to retirer in Thailand, but wife said she wish to see US first then decide. May not want to go back.

Thanks all who read.

20,000 baht per month is reasonable. Certainly it is possible to live cheaper......but the quality of life would suffer for your wife and children.

I'm sure some cash makes it's way to her family as well....that is her (and now your) responsibility.

You will find, as I have...that you have married not only your wife, but your wife's family.

Your doing fine.

20,000 baht per month is reasonable. Certainly it is possible to live cheaper......but the quality of life would suffer for your wife and children.

I'm sure some cash makes it's way to her family as well....that is her (and now your) responsibility.

You will find, as I have...that you have married not only your wife, but your wife's family.

Your doing fine.

That is definitely the truth, you will be supporting her family as well as yours. I have already rebuilt their house and paid for her brothers college.

My question: (FINALLY) for a person renting a two room place in Yala, supporting three Children, paying for school and household cost what is reasonable.

20k or less should be fine, most thai families survive on less then that some maby 15 , 10 or even 5k lol

She has an ATM card (cheaper then Western Union) and she takes out B10,000 two times a month.

Second Question: Once married will past thai husband respect that she is married to me or can a Thai man force himself on her as he is the father of the children. I was told that they had not been together for several years. But I still worry.

i heard about the new rape law its somewhere on this forum if you do a search and it is legal for him to rape your wife sorry to say this, but this is thailand, and just make sure you guys have a open relashonship and if worst comes to worst please let us know or take him out the nice way.

somewhere on this forum if you do a search and it is legal for him to rape your wife sorry to say this,

WRONG. pls get some facts straight before spouting this crap. The law is in relations to MARRIED couples. She was never legally married to the thai guy & is now legally married tothis guy. Jeez!!!

For the OP, has your wife ever said this guy was abusive or has raped her in the past? I wonder what has given you reason to think this would be a factor as from your OP there is nothing to suggest he would or why you would even think of it.

Agree that 20,000 baht/mo is about right for a middle class Thai lifestyle assuming no unusual medical costs or other special conditions.

re the prior "husband" : legally of course he can't rape her as they were never legally married. However marriage is not always defined in a legal way by people in this part of the world. The likelihood of his trying something depends on how he views the relationship, i.e. whether he still considers her his "wife". Nothing you have said suggests that he does.

She knows him and you don't. Does she anticipate a problem when he finds out she has "re" married?, other than probable stopping of support for the kids?

For the OP, has your wife ever said this guy was abusive or has raped her in the past? I wonder what has given you reason to think this would be a factor as from your OP there is nothing to suggest he would or why you would even think of it.

Thanks Boo

I only got bits and peices about him. She did not like to speak about past very much. I think some concern she was looked at as a Mia Noi , it was mentioned she was first wife and then later became second. It bothered her, so I never pushed. She once mentioned she never talked bad about him to the children, but did not answer when asked if he did mean things to her.

My fear did not come from her. It came from others who asked me if he still came around and forced himself on her as his wife. Fear comes from being on other side of world and must wait for paper work to process. Does not help with all the killings in her area as well. Yala is hot spot.

On money, the amount seems right, I always knew about family support and we discussed support to parents when she comes to US. I offered to send them B8000 per month. Rest of family not on regular basis. I based this amount on sister imcome in factory, she earns 8000 per month. Plus what I could aford. Again she never had to ask.

Money I have always been up front. I never flashed and acted the big spender. I let her know i was working second job to support events and her and children. I kept it simple and she has been kind in return. Talking about it and understanding culture went a long way.

Thanks for the info.

20,000 baht per month is reasonable. Certainly it is possible to live cheaper......but the quality of life would suffer for your wife and children.

I'm sure some cash makes it's way to her family as well....that is her (and now your) responsibility.

You will find, as I have...that you have married not only your wife, but your wife's family.

Your doing fine.

Thanks.

I knew that some would go to parents. She has lived on so little for some time and now she can help them some and that is ok. The amount is not excessive. I do know from past talks that school for children and special classes are where most of her extra monies goes.

School right now in Yala is very hard, with teachers being killed. All of these issues has limited her ability to earn an income on her own. She was living of her savings, so she might be putting some aside, as i know that is what she does.

The amount is also something I told her she could take out. She has been very good and never ask for more. I in turn offer in advance if i know a need is coming. Work real well that way. I get to chose the amount and we do not have issues on money.

The amount for parents after coming to the US is set for B8000. I knew that would be coming and that if what I felt we could help with.

My whole plan is to embace culture and not fight it. i feel better about myself that way. Plus I feel good helpping rather then taken advantage of.

Sounds like you have it pretty sussed. I think with regards to the ex, now you are legally married he wont come round for any thing & I wouldn't listen to too many expat horror stories about thai men. It sounds like they had a love relationship until he was forced to marry someone else (not that uncommon in certain families) & she was obviously very hurt by being pushed aside so is probably reluctant to drag up those feelings again too. . Sounds like she met a nice guy this time round so good luck to you both for the future. (and the sooner you can get her out of yala the better IMO, not a great place to be these days)

i heard about the new rape law its somewhere on this forum if you do a search and it is legal for him to rape your wife sorry to say this, but this is thailand, and just make sure you guys have a open relashonship and if worst comes to worst please let us know or take him out the nice way.

Wow. That sounds bad.

Prevention. I know almost nothing about Thai culture. It helps to be very big or at least capable of projecting lethality without having to try too hard, but, regardless the best prevention is to pay her ex-husband a visit with her as the reasonable facsimile of an excuse. This will accomplish two things:

A.) Make it clear that you know where he lives, and could visit, any time, say, 3 AM, supposing he gave you some reason to do so.

B.) Put a body and a face to her new husband, not just some abstract concept "Oh, some dumb farang. I can do what I wish with my ex-wife"

C.) Give you an opportunity to let him know that regardless of custom, law, inclination, or anything else, he is politely invited to not even ever THINK about being anywhere near her if you are not present. Smiling, of course. You have to mark your turf. Not to be some false macho posturer. But to make it beyond crystal clear that regardless of what the ex's past experiences with other people may be, he has the unique opportunity to protect himself and everything he holds dear from annihilation by the simple expedient of staying FAR away from YOUR WIFE.

The more calmly you present your "wishes" as a concerned citizen, the more downright frightening it will be to one who has ill intentions. No one really fears an irrational idiot. They don't respect him. Then, make sure to utterly avoid all contact with him and his latest family, period. He needs to know that if you have no interest in having anything to do with him or his family, good or ill. It will provide fantastic motivation for him to not take advantage of any queer laws that might create the illusion that it is okay to sexually prey upon someone just because in the long-distant past they were at one time married.

Edited February 3, 200719 yr by Smilodon

as I said previously, the claim by dragonquest is false.

i also dont think that he will try anything;

i had a friend (thai woman) from the south, moslem, community marriage to a khmer buddhist (buriram) boy; she had daughter by previous marriage. parents of guy from buriram forced a civil and community marriage on him (arranged while he was in israel w/my friend and her daugher living here also; they didnt like the match he made). he stayed in contact but actually gradually pulled away from her and settled down with his arranged marriage wife and that was that more or less. didnt hassle her when she remarried another (!) thai guy here. no jealousy acts are or anything. jsut sort of settled in to his own marriage and that was that.