Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[ballpoint]

Don't mean to brag, but I overheard the doctor mention a trophy whilst talking about my muscles.

[ballpoint]

I took my gran to one of those spas with little fish that nibble dead skin.
A bit expensive, but a damn sight cheaper than a funeral would have been.

[ballpoint]

My Wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted.

Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.

[ballpoint]

Elvis Costello has a new job at the biscuit factory.

He's watching the digestives.

[ballpoint]

My mate said, "I like your sports car."
I said, "it's not very practical now we have a baby."
He said, "how about I buy it off you?"
I said, "Go on then. Three Grand?"
He said, "you've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one. You're going to make a brilliant dad!!"

[ballpoint]

If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please!

[ballpoint]

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies?
The Swallow.

[ballpoint]

How do so many people get simple sayings wrong?

Please send answers on a coastguard.

[VocalNeal]

8 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Don't mean to brag, but I overheard the doctor mention a trophy whilst talking about my muscles.

I heard you had acute angina?

[ballpoint]

My wife just slipped and dislocated her jaw, and now she can't talk.

I'd better phone the doctor and ask him to drop round anytime, in the next couple of months...

[ravip]

 

 

[ballpoint]

IKEA have sponsored our local primary school.

Now assembly takes ages.

[ballpoint]

My wife bought me a ceramic Rubik Cube,

but I soon cracked that.

[ballpoint]

TRAFFIC ALERT....A truck carrying incontinence pants has spilled its load on the M62...

Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.

[ballpoint]

My neighbour Sid was a miserable chap. Sadly though, he’d been ill for some time. Fearing that his end was near, he called his wife to his bedside.
"I have one last wish”, he said to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbour, Ken".
His wife was perplexed.
"But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken", she asks him.
"I do", said Sid.

[ballpoint]

I got home last night and my wife shouted "There is bright red lipstick all over your collar! Where's that from?"
"I don't know" I replied, "But I'm seeing her again tonight so I'll ask her."

[ballpoint]

I asked my hairdresser if she has ever given a henna rinse?

She said "no, but I've given a duck a bath."

[ballpoint]

Did you know if you said Mama Mia! in Italy it's an exclamation,

but if you say it in Yorkshire it means "I'm home".

[ravip]

Q. What do you call an expert fisherman?

A. A Master Baiter

[ravip]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

My father taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why

 

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

My father taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

 

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

 

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

 

My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"

 

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

 

My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

My father taught me HUMOUR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

 

My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

My father taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

This should be sent only to the over 60 crowd, because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told this!

[Yellowtail]

Dad: "You'll never teach that dog anything"

Me: "Why not?"

Dad: "First, you've got to be smarter than the dog." 

[overherebc]

[KannikaP]

Wonder if she's trying to put Philip off by flashing her minge !

[ravip]

Why Tarzan doesn't have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
  
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

 

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

What is the speed of darkness?

 

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

 

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

 

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder...

 

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Stop singing and read on...

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[Zyxel]

[WorriedNoodle]