Worst Joke Ever 2024

[roo860]

 I enjoy watching beach volleyball. 

[Thailand]

[scottiejohn]

An Irishman reports for a university exam that consists of yes/no questions. He takes his seat in the exam room, opens the test paper, and starts tossing a coin.

If he tosses heads, he marks an answer “yes,” if it’s tails he marks it “no.”

 

He finishes the test quickly and spends the time left re-reading the paper, tossing the coin, and occasionally swearing under his breath. The moderator goes over to see what’s the matter.

“It’s okay,” says the Irishman.

 

“I finished the exam half an hour ago. Now I’m checking and correcting my answers.”
 

[scottiejohn]

A defendant is in front of a judge on a speeding charge.

“I understand you were doing 60 in a30 mile per hour zone,” says the judge.

“That’s a lie,” replies the defendant.

“I wasn’t doing 30. I wasn’t even doing 10 in fact…”

“Hold it,” says the judge.

“I’m going to fine you $50 before you back into something.”
 

[scottiejohn]

A woman dents her sports car and goes to a garage to get some help. The mechanic decides to have some fun with her and tells her to take the car home and blow up the exhaust – the air pressure will make the dent spring out.

 

She takes the car home and spends a good hour blowing up the exhaust without any success.

Eventually her Blonde flatmate comes home and asks what she’s doing. She tells her what the mechanic told her to do and she says,

 “You idiot. That’s never going to work. You’ve left the windows open.”
 

[scottiejohn]

A woman takes a baby to the doctor’s office.

 

“Baby seems to be ill,” she says. “Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.” The doctor examines the baby, then says to the woman,

“Is he breast-fed, or on the bottle?” “Breast-fed,” she replies.

“Let’s take a look,” says the doctor. “Strip down to your waist.”

She does so and the doctor squeezes both breasts, massages them and pinches both nipples. Eventually he says,

“No wonder this baby is hungry, you don’t have any milk.”

 

“Of course I don’t,” says the woman. “I’m his aunt. His Mum is at work!”

[scottiejohn]

ART AND LITERATURE: WORLD’S SHORTEST BOOKS
A Guide to French Hospitality

True answers to political questions by any politician

Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific

Different Ways to Spell Bob
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
Staple Your Way to Success
The Amish Phone Directory
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of French Military Victories
The Engineers’ Guide to Fashion
The Lawyers Code of Ethics
The Ronald Reagan Memoirs
The Very Best of German Humour
Things I Can’t Afford by Elon Musk
Guide to Cities Without at least one Starbucks/McDonalds/7-11/KFC

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[scottiejohn]

A secretary is going on her lunch break when she notices her clueless boss standing in front of a shredder.

The secretary walks up and asks if he needs help.

“Yes, please!” says the boss.
“This is a one off and very important document, the only one in circulation.  I just don't want too many people seeing it.” 
“Glad to help,” says the secretary as she turns on the shredder and inserts the paper. 

“Gee, thanks,” says the boss. “When will it be ready I only need the one copy.”

[dcsw53]

[dcsw53]

[dcsw53]

[scottiejohn]

FROM THE TWO RONNIES:
RB: I say, Humphrey.
RC: What is it, Godfrey?
RB: See that tall chap over there?
RC: Well-dressed, sprightly sort of bloke?
RB: That’s him. Five years ago he was destitute — in rags. All due to
drink.
RC: Damned curse, drink is. Fancy another?
RB: No, thanks. Luckily, he met one of those temperance chappies,
who told him just to have a look at where his money was going to —
the rich publicans, smartly dressed, with sports cars and places in the
country, while he, the drunkard, was penniless. All due to man’s insa-
tiable desire for alcohol.
RC: And that put him on the right road, eh?
RB: Absolutely.
RC: Gave up drink completely?

RB: No, he borrowed some money and bought a pub!

[roo860]

Can't park there mate.

[roo860]

5 hours ago, Thailand said:

Sir Bernard!!!!

[fasteddie]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[still kicking]

[roo860]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[Zyxel]

Guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender, “Give me 20 shots of your best, most expensive tequila.”

The bartender lines them up and the guy goes down the line slamming one, then the next, then the next. The bartender says "Whoa, man. You wanna slow down a bit?"

The guy says, "You'd be drinking them fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "That sounds tough man. What have you got?"

The guy says, "35 cents."