Worst Joke Ever 2024

[oxo1947]

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[oxo1947]

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[oxo1947]

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[oxo1947]

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[oxo1947]

They are seriously thinking about passing a 20mph  driving law in Wales

 

[oxo1947]

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[VocalNeal]

1 hour ago, oxo1947 said:

They are seriously thinking about passing a 20mph  driving law in Wales

 

Well at least the wagon drivers are sat on the correct side of the wagon.????

[roo860]

[scottiejohn]

29 minutes ago, roo860 said:

That brings back many  maemmories!

Edited August 13, 2023 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

Top10 signs your son is too old for breast feeding
10. He can open your blouse by himself; with one hand.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

[scottiejohn]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.

He loops back next to the Airbus and asks:

"Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the WC, had a quick grope and cuddle with one of the airstews, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry. Lets see you do that!"

[scottiejohn]

What do cannibals call a woman who is three months pregnant?
A slow-cooker.

 

PS;  No bun in the oven responses please!

[scottiejohn]

PAT & MICK VISIT LONDON
Pat & Mick were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a shop front which reads, "Suits £10 each, shirts £2 each, trousers £3 each".

Pat says to his buddy, "look there! We could buy a whole car load of these, take 'em back to Dublin, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a posh English accent, so's they don't know we are Irish."

They enter the Shop.

Then, with his best fake posh accent, Patsays "I'll take 50 of them suits at £10, 100 of them there shirts at £2, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at £3. I'll back up my ... "

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're Irish aren't you?"

 

"Begorah!," says Mick

"how come you knowed that?"

The shop owner replies...

 

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

[scottiejohn]

In support of the Irish!

 

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

 

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says,  "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference..?"

 

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.. License and registration, please..!"

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.."

 

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair.. Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the Hell out of the lawyer with it and says,

 

"Now then.. Do you want me to stop, or just slow down..?"..

[ballpoint]

30 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

That brings back many  maemmories!

Like the last 5 times it was posted.

[scottiejohn]

The young gunfighter is getting worried
He feels that although he can shoot very straight he is not quick enough on the draw! compared to some of the youngsters he hangs out with.

 

He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

 

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a table and tells him what the situation is. The trainer says “I think I can help you. Let me see your style.”

 

The gunfighter draws and shoots the piano player’s drink off the piano.

“Nice shot” says the trainer. 
“Why don’t you put your holster a little lower on your hip, and tie down the bottom with a rawhide thong?” 

The gunfighter does these things, and tries another draw. He shoots the piano player’s cigar out of his mouth.”

 

“Now here is what I think you should do next” says the trainer. 
“File the front sight off that revolver and rub axle grease all over it.”

“Will that get it out of the holster faster?” asks the gunfighter.

“Dunno” says the trainer, “but when Stormin Bat Masterson over there finishes playing the piano he’s likely goin to take that there shooter from you and shove it up your @ss.”

[scottiejohn]

5 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Like the last 5 times it was posted.

Thanks!  I had forgotten that, what with my memory and all!

It is nice to see the milk of human kindness is still showing on this forum.

[scottiejohn]

Division & Fright

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One evening two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts they had collected and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts between them

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slow down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He thought he knew what it was.

"Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but then they heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's it all done."

 

"Let's go get those two nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

[ravip]

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[Mike Teavee]

43 minutes ago, ravip said:

Or he watched the "Poisoned" documentary on Netflix & realised the least thing healthy thing for him to eat is Leafy Greens... 

 

Edited August 13, 2023 by Mike Teavee