Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

17 minutes ago, billd766 said:

That must be Dorset Blue Vinny cheese then.

I think I may be in the wrong "vein" as Dracula said with a cheesy blue mouth.

Edited September 10, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

 

 

I promise to stop grating on you (in small bits)

 

 

So lets stop grating on each other and get back to grinding each other up the wrong (I mean) the correct way.

 

Lets continue to have fun.  It was cheesy while it lasted.

I suggest we get onto a new topic.????

Edited September 10, 2019 by scottiejohn
major connection problems my end. As the bishop said to the actress!

[bluesofa]

39 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

This is a bit of a Brit "cheesy" orientated response and I apologise;
Would that have anything to do with the/a  "Cheddar Gorge"?

It was that big, you could see her bum from right across the Gorge.

[chickenslegs]

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two young boys, Bobby and Tommy, are sharing a hospital room.

After getting to know each other a little bit, Bobby eventually asks Tommy, "Hey, what're you in the hospital for anyway?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out," explains Tommy. "And I'm a little worried."
"Oh, don't worry about it," Bobby says. "I had my tonsils out and it was actually not so bad. I got to eat all the ice cream  I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?" replies Tommy. "That's not bad. So, Bobby, how about you? What are you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Bobby answers.
"Oh my god! A circumcision?" Tommy cries.

 

"I got one of those when I was a baby. I couldn't walk for two years!"

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a Bangkok hospital waiting room while their wives/partners are in labour.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Bangkok Twinning Association Department."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers, "considering I work for the 3M Company."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, "That's insane! I work for the Four Seasons hotel just round the corner. What a weird coincidence, especially with the previous two fathers!"
After hearing this latest news, everyone's attention turns to the fourth expectant father, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers to the attending nurse,

 

"I knew I shouldn't have taken that job at the 20Baht store."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A man pulls over to the side of the road after a police car flashes him to do so.

"How long have you been riding around without rear lights?" asked the officer.

"Oh, no!" screamed the man, jumping out of the car.

"Wait 'til my family finds out!"

"Where's your family?" the officer asked.

"They're in the Caravan that was hitched to the car!"
 

Edited September 11, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

I’d have to shake this guy by the hand if i saw him !!

[ballpoint]

I got caught bringing 12 cases of fortified wine into the country.  The customs officer deported me.

 

When they lifted the hosepipe ban I got so excited I wet my plants.

 

Whatever my father did, he always gave 100%.  He passed away recently.  Down the blood bank.

 

My brother, David, was a victim of id theft.  Now he's just Dav.

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[chickenslegs]

Two Scots brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

 

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

 

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

 

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

 

'A kilt... that's grand. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

 

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

[chickenslegs]

My best friend got in touch to ask if I’d be usher at his wedding, I said I’ll learn some of his songs, but I’m not blacking up.

[chickenslegs]

Two brooms were hanging in the cupboard and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and whispered to the groom-broom,

'Great news darling, I think I am going to have a little broom.'

'Impossible,' said the groom broom ...

.

.

.

.

.

'We haven't even swept together.'

[WorriedNoodle]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Oops

[Andrew Dwyer]

Wonder when they plan to bring this out ??

[Andrew Dwyer]

So a few months ago I took my gf on a dream vacation to the States, we traveled around a lot and all was going great until.........
......one day after visiting a drive thru fast food joint my gf unwrapped her order to find this.....



Obviously I was absolutely livid and stormed back into the place demanding to see the manager !, slamming the offending order on the counter I asked him for an explanation , he looked confused.
I pointed to the writing on the sandwich and demanded to know WHY someone would write that !!
Because she ordered a BLT with cheese he said !

To which I replied “ oh “ [emoji54]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

when you need to fart, but you have to consider your public image ...

Just stand over a subway ventilation grid.

 

Edited September 12, 2019 by chickenslegs
Sprelling

[Andrew Dwyer]

The grim reaper in the 21st century !

[Mike Teavee]

If you're British (or at least following Brexit) you might appreciate this one... Taken from an HYS (Have Your Say) comment on a BBC News Brexit article... 

 

I wasn't born British, and despite living here for many a year sometimes still struggle with British humour. So I hope you don't mind me asking: When it comes to Brexit, is this some real world adaptation of the Muppets show?!

 

I mean first there was Kermit Cameron and Animal Farage, then some ABBA-dancing Miss Piggy, now it's Fozzie Boris backed by Rizzo-The-Mogg, and I still don't get it...

 

 

It would be funny if it wasn't so true!!!

 

[scottiejohn]

 

PS;  FYI; A "Continental Quilt" is better known as a "Duvet" out with certain parts of the UK!

[ballpoint]

I slipped over and fell in the local library. 

That's the last time I go into the non friction section.

 

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

 

My grandfather was killed by a steam train. 

He was chuffed to bits.

 

[Farangwithaplan]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Fish.