Worst Joke Ever 2024

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[Zyxel]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

[Mike Teavee]

On 10/6/2023 at 3:49 PM, jvs said:

i would expect a lot of confused emojis here but none for some reason?

People are strange.(now i will have to play the Doors tonight!)

TBH I didn't get it (at all) so maybe somebody could explain

[Zyxel]

The reporter had a deadline to come up with a column in a few hours and was desperate. He noticed three old men sitting on a park bench and immediately decided to do a human-interest story. He introduced himself and asked them if they would tell him their secret to living a long life. The first man said that he always stayed away from alcohol, tobacco and spicy food, so he had remained healthy. “How old are you?”, the reporter asked. “I’m 81”, the man replied. The second man said that he owed his long life to staying away from fast women, being true to his wife of 60 years, working hard, getting a lot of exercise and getting to bed and rising early. “How old are you?”, the reporter asked. “I’m 86, the man answered. The third man looked haggard and emaciated. His hand, holding a cigarette, shook. He said,” I smoke cigarettes, cigars and weed and I’ll sniff some cocaine if I can get it. I’ve got a pint of whiskey in my coat pocket that will be gone in a few hours but I have an 18 pack of Bud waiting for me at home that I’ll probably finish tonight. I love spicy food and can eat ghost peppers raw. I have a wife and 3 girlfriends and usually have sex with all of them at least a couple times a week. I like to play cards with my friends so I hardly ever go to bed before 2 AM and I get up when I feel like it. “Amazing!” said the reporter, And how old are you?” “I’m 27”, the man replied.

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Crossy]

[Crossy]

[Crossy]

[Crossy]

[roo860]

[VBF]

5 hours ago, Mike Teavee said:

TBH I didn't get it (at all) so maybe somebody could explain

There you are......   ????????????????????????

 

 

[roo860]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[KhunLA]

[Yellowtail]

57 minutes ago, roo860 said:

Wasn't he married to Betty Will? 

[KhunLA]

[carlyai]

[roo860]

[roo860]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[roo860]

Nice shoes 

[roo860]

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."