Vegans think butchers are gross,

but I think fruit & veg sellers are grocer.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today.

I said, "That's the last thing I need!"

"Doctor, Doctor, please help! I'm getting married soon and I can't get over my fear of wedding vows.  Do you know of a cure?"

"I can't say I do."

"Not you as well!"

 

 

 

Well maybe not in that order I think!

 

I wonder which "member" of this forum needs this?

A young man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a lovely young girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

Halloween every year is awful.

Kids do not stop coming to my door for candy. Left and right, I have to say “I’m sorry. I don’t give out candy” so much that I just put a sign in my yard telling everyone this fact. However, they see lights and still come knocking on my door. This year, I’m going to do what I should have done years ago and turn off all the lights. It’s my lighthouse, and I make my own rules.

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"
"A turtle" the man replied
"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, that's just Michelle" 

.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night from visiting the pharmacy when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clippity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clippity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything...

All he can find is the box of cough drops he just bought! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...

...and...of...course,

 

 

 

...the coffin stops!

I bought the mother-in-law some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual obviously!

 

It's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

The wife and I dressed as Peruvian owls for Halloween.

We were Inca hoots.

 

A Trick or Treater just knocked the door dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid, I was petrified

HALOWEEN AND THE PC BRIGADE

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truly Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very Truly Yours,
Acme Costume Co


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your rear and go as a toffee/caramel apple.