Worst Joke Ever 2024

[roo860]

[ballpoint]

I hired a Handyman and I gave him a list of five things to do. When I got home he had done all of them except no. 2 and no. 4.
Turns out he is an Odd Job Man.

[ballpoint]

I was attacked by some little ginger boy doing martial arts.
It turned out to be the carroty kid!

[ballpoint]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..

 

The wife was counting all the 5 p's and 10 p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

[ballpoint]

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

[WorriedNoodle]

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[sanuk711]

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[sanuk711]

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[sanuk711]

After Brexit, heart pacemakers could well be in shortly supply.

[sanuk711]

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[ravip]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No," replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.

........................

A university professor is conducting a final exam. He is an extremely difficult professor, and a bit of an S.O.B. He has told his students that all writing must stop when he calls time—anyone who doesn’t stop will automatically fail the exam. The class is in a large auditorium and is required for all chemistry, biology, etc. students. At the end all the students except one finish as instructed. The one student keeps writing furiously for 30 seconds or so until he is stopped by the professor, who tells him he has failed the exam.

The student walks to the front of the room with his blue book and attempts to argue. The professor doesn’t budge, so finally the student takes a very arrogant attitude and says, ‘Do you know who I am?’ The professor sneers and says, ‘No, I don’t, and it wouldn’t matter,’ whereupon the student says ‘Great!’ sticks his blue book into the middle of the stack of blue books already turned in, and runs out of the room.

........................

I worked at a large law firm many years ago. I was in the copier room when the phone rang.

I picked up and said "Fair play for Cuba Committee."

The voice at the other end was that of the senior managing partner, "Who is this?"

I slammed the phone down and scurried back to my desk.

Edited November 14, 2020 by ravip

[ravip]

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

[ravip]

Some Definitions

 

School 
A place where Parents pay and children play

 

Life Insurance 
A contract that keeps you poor all your life, so that you can die Rich. 

 

Nurse: 
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. 

 

Marriage 
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.. 

 

Tears 
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

 

Conference 
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 

 

Conference Room 
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on 

 

Father 
A banker provided by nature 

 

Criminal 
A person no different from the rest 
....except that he/she got caught

 

Boss 
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

 

Politician 
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after 

 

HOSPITAL 
An institution  which holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. 

 

Smile  ????
A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 

 

Office 
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 

 

Yawn 
The only time  married men ever get to open their mouth. 

 

Etc. 
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 

 

Committee 
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 
 

[sanuk711]

My wife suggested spicing up our sex life by a bit of roll play. “I’ll be a prostitute” she says “Great idea” I said, “ I’ll be peter Sutcliffe”

[ravip]

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

My wife suggested spicing up our sex life by a bit of roll play. “I’ll be a prostitute” she says “Great idea” I said, “ I’ll be peter Sutcliffe”

LOL

He had died of COVID-19

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Sutcliffe

[roo860]

2 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

My wife suggested spicing up our sex life by a bit of roll play. “I’ll be a prostitute” she says “Great idea” I said, “ I’ll be peter Sutcliffe”

 

[roo860]

[ravip]

 

[sanuk711]

3 hours ago, ravip said:

LOL

He had died of COVID-19

Yer I know......and they say that 2020 was a bad year..........

 

Some good highlights

[sanuk711]

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