Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ravip]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.,,
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

..........

Not saying my Ex was fat
But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

..........

I rescued a dog that belonged to a blacksmith.
As soon as I brought it home, it made a bolt for the door

..........

What’s common between owning a cat and voting?
Checking a box for a piece of 5hit.

Edited November 15, 2020 by ravip

[ravip]

In response to the invitation for a rather unusual *REUNION* of all-time greats:

 

 *Newton* said he'd drop in.

 

 *Socrates* said he'd think about it.

 

 *Ohm* resisted the idea.

 

 *Boyle* said he was under too much pressure.

 

 *Darwin* said he'd wait to see what evolved.

 

 *Pierre* and *Marie Curie* radiated enthusiasm.

 

 *Volta* was electrified at the prospect.

 

 *Pavlov* positively drooled at the thought.

 

 *Ampere* was worried he wasn't current enough though alternately none were.

 

 *Edison* thought it would be illuminating.

 

 *Einstein* said it would be relatively easy to attend.

 

 *Archimedes* was buoyant at the thought.

 

 *Morse* said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

 

 *Hertz* said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.

 

 *Wilbur Wright* accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

 

 *Aryabhatta* said there were zero chances of him showing up.

 

 *Marconi* said he would listen to the report on wireless.

 

 *Pythagoras* refused because he thought that the organisers were not looking at the reunion from the right angle.

[fangless]

RIP to Des O’Connor whose death has just been announced!

This is classic "Eric and Ernie" patter;

 

Ernie: “I’ve got some great news.”

Eric: “What? Has Des O’Connor got a sore throat?”

[fangless]

RIP Des Part two

 

There was great mutual banter between "Eric & Ernie" and Des.  

Here is some of it.  Please join in with your contributions to some great entertainers we will never see or hear again.

 

‘The Des in Des O’Connor is short for desperate’

 

‘Des has just done a one-man show. Let’s hope two turn up next time’.

 After Ernie had one of his later heart attacks he had a visit from Des.
Des told Ernie he asked his audience the previous evening to pray for Ernie to pull through . 
Ernie quipped those six or seven people made all the difference.

 

Ernie: Des O' Connor is a self-made man.
Eric: I think it's very good of him to take the blame.

Eric to Des; "Sing on our show? You can't even sing on your own show!"

 Ernie Wise's  discussing the "play wot I wrote" Antony & Cleopatra, starring Glenda Jackson ......
Eric: "Desdemona? looks more like Des O'Conner".

 

Lets have some more please!

[sanuk711]

[roo860]

[teacherclaire]

The "Lenhards" were some "gypsy-like" people who drove around in trucks to certain places to buy metal, engines, clutches, etc., to sell the Aluminum, or whatever material they could get.

 

Copper was good cash; if they found a fair amount of it, they could make decent money in one ride. 

 

  When America offered 10 million bucks for a particular guy they blamed for the 9/11 attack, he had a great idea. Get this guy, kill him, and get the cash.

He wanted to kill Osama Bin Laden at a time where the CIA and many others dropped bombs on various places where they thought he'd be, but he wasn't. 

 

He flew to Afghanistan, then bought a gun, and after only three days, he shot a guy with a Turban who had a long beard, but he didn't exactly look like the one so many people were looking for.

 

Osama Bin Laden himself.  

 

  That happened around 20 years ago, and the guy never came back to his iron seeking friends. 

 

He never came back, so I can only imagine what they did to him. 

 

 A true story that might sound like a stupid joke.  

 

He's a tall and robust guy from a Bavarian village, dreaming of a life with a lot of cash.

 

   

 

  

Edited November 15, 2020 by teacherclaire
MAGA- Make America Gonorrhea free Again.

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Yup, I can relate to this !!

 

[ravip]

 

[ballpoint]

A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"
"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

[ballpoint]

I went to the Weight Watchers website and it asked me if I'd accept cookies.

Is this some sort of test?

[ballpoint]

We're in for a bad spell of jokes:

 

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic. 

A leotard can't change its spots!

 

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He opened a warehouse. 

 

I used to be dyslexic, but I am ko now.

[ballpoint]

I went to see my grandfather and he was looking depressed.  "Why the sad face Grandad?"

"I'm old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends".  He brightened up momentarily, "But, thank God I still have my driver's license!"

[Andrew Dwyer]

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

A woman walks into a Newcastle hairdresser's and asks "Can I have a perm please?"
"Aye, nee problem pet" says the hairdresser. "Ah wandered lernley as a clood....."

That reminds me of the bald cat that gets on a bus in Liverpool and the conductor says:

” where’s yer fur “ ?

[Andrew Dwyer]

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

We're in for a bad spell of jokes:

 

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic. 

A leotard can't change its spots!

 

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He opened a warehouse. 

 

I used to be dyslexic, but I am ko now.

I didn’t realise I was dyslexic until I went to a toga party dressed as a goat !!

[fangless]

The priest in a small village loved the rooster he kept in the house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the bird and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

 

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

 

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

 

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'

 

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up and the priest fainted.

[sanuk711]

.

[sanuk711]

Voters of Georgia--Always finding new ways to spoil the ballot paper.

[sanuk711]

.

[ravip]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f*&! would they want with a plasterer?!?!”

[sanuk711]

[ravip]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

[sanuk711]

.................1965--

[ravip]

2 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

.................1965--

The Belling electric oven!

[ravip]

I think my coworkers are gay
Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an a55"