Worst Joke Ever 2024

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[sanuk711]

.

[sanuk711]

It all started with an itchy A$$

[sanuk711]

[fangless]

5 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

We can look and see if we can usher in a new career for you!

[fangless]

 A Blonde Helping a Trucker
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

 

So, the two chimpanzees were put into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

The following day the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

 

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde.

 

"But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[fangless]

 The Exam from hell
Three Highschool Sr's decided to blow off their final exam for their logic class, and spend the day getting wasted.

When they returned to class the next day they explained to the professor that they were unable to get to class the day before due to a flat tyre and no cell phone coverage in the area they were in.

They begged the professor to allow them to take a makeup exam.
After some time the professor relented and told the boys to come in the next day for the exam.

 

When they arrived, each was taken  into separate rooms and completely isolated from the others.

When the professor spoke to them over the intercom and told them to open their makeup exam folders, they each found only three very simple questions on the exam paper.

The questions were;

 

Who was driving

Who changed the Tyre?

Which wheel was it?

 

 

They all failed!!

[fangless]

7 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Is this why you don't talk about it?

 

A man took his place in the theatre, but his seat was too far from the stage.

He whispered to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moved him into the second row, and the man handed the usher a one penny.

The usher looked at the single pence in his hand, leaned over to the usher and whispered 

 

"The wife did it".

[fangless]

Or maybe this incident caused it;

 

 An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater
"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"

The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.

"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"

Another faint mumble.

Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"

 

 

"The balcony"

[fangless]

CIA Entrance Test
3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

 

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to shoot their spouse, to see how good they are at following orders. After several minutes, the applicant leaves, in tears. "I can't do it," they say. "I'm sorry," says the CIA examiner. "I guess you don't have what it takes to be in the CIA."

 

The next applicant is summoned into the room, and after being given the same scenario, he too leaves the room, in tears. "I just can't shoot my wife," he says. "I love her too much." "We understand," says the examiner, "but you don't have what it takes."

 

Finally the third applicant is shown into the room with his wife after being given the same briefing. Almost immediately, there is a sound of rapid gunfire. After a few moments, there is a loud calamity followed by banging and things breaking. The applicant finally emerges from the room, dishevelled. "What happened?!" exclaimed the examiner. The man replies, "you guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks -

 

I had to beat my wife to death with the chair!"

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

 Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. 

At high school graduation this fine young man dropped down to a knee and proposed to the love of his life. She accepted and the entire auditorium erupted in cheers. 

One week before their wedding they decided to go to the movies to relax as the stress of the wedding was getting to be enormous. Well disaster struck. On their way home the car they were driving was struck by a drunk driver and they both perished. The entire county showed up for the funeral and it was a dark time for the community.

When the two youngsters arrived at the Pearly Gates they were greeted by St. Peter.  Sheepishly, they asked for an audience with God himself. St. Peter ushered them in to God's private chambers and they asked of God "Would it be possible to get married in heaven?" Well God thought that would be a great thing and an event unlike any heaven had had in quite some time. They were shown their "cloud" and God told them he would get back to them with the details.

A few centuries pass and God summons them to his chambers and informs them that everything is all set and they will be married on the next Sunday and all of the angels of heaven will be there.

It was an amazing ceremony and the reception was something that would never be topped again. The now married couple retired to their little slice of heaven to live out their afterlife together as they always intended.

A couple of months go by and they request another audience with the almighty. While meeting with him they declare "God, we can't stand each other anymore and would like to get a divorce. Can you help us?"

God looks wearily into his hands and says "Are you kidding me, it took me hundreds of years to find a priest up here, and now you want me to find a lawyer??"

[fangless]

 A man took his dog to the movie with him and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded.

The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie."

 

And the man said, "I know, it's so weird! He hated the book."

[VocalNeal]

9 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

It all started with an itchy A$$

 

He's Australian. He went back to Sydney to look up his relatives?

Edited November 17, 2020 by VocalNeal

[ballpoint]

Most popular pick-up line at the Alzheimer's nightclub:
"Do I come here often?"

[ballpoint]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500.  If not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

[ballpoint]

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[faraday]

[bodga]

the  Thai  govt!

[ravip]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]