Worst Joke Ever 2024

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[owl sees all]

Thailand - it's a laugh a minute.

 

https://brandnewtube.com/watch/thailand-039-s-godzilla-vaccine-now-being-rolled-out-in-grocery-stores_gvWIYsbzWZEpkAd.html

[faraday]

[toofarnorth]

16 hours ago, fangless said:

A woman went to the doctor's complaining that her sex life was very unsatisfactory.

"My old man says I'm frigid," she explained.

"Don't upset yourself," replied the doctor kindly. "I think I have the answer. Just take one of these pills an hour before lovemaking and you'll appreciate the difference."

So the woman took the pill and her whole body became electric. She couldn't wait for her husband to get home. Unfortunately, he went straight to the pub after work and the magic moment passed. When she went back to the doctor's, she explained the dreadful disappointment she'd felt and how the lack of fulfilment had made her ill.

"Mmm," mused the doctor, "it's a shame there wasn't another man to take his place."

"Another man!" she cried.

 

"I don't need pills for other men!"
 

It may have been the same woman years ago. She too went to the doctor for one of those pills. The doctor said take it an hour before you get home.

The train was badly delayed , it arrived at the station when she should have arrived home !   , she was gagging for it , she opened the carriage door right next to a dude sweeping the platform , she said ' I need ....ing , he saiid so do I , I just swept the wrong platform ' .

[ravip]

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups...
...because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

[ravip]

A nun walks into a bar

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while, the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would erupt into cheers.

 

However, when the patrons saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

 

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “Okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

 

So the bartender showed the nun to the restroom.

After a few minutes, the lights went out again and the nun came back out as the whole place stopped to give the nun a loud, enthusiastic round of applause.

 

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

 

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

 

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.”

[ravip]

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

 

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

 

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

 

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

 

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

 

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a Breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

 

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I will have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Manitoban, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Hamus Yaigh]

[ravip]

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[fangless]

Over a few pints of beer at the local, two men were so engrossed in conversation that they didn't notice the time. Suddenly last orders were called and the first man cursed out loud.

"<deleted>! That's me for the cold-shoulder treatment, I promised the wife I'd be home early."

 

He looked glumly into his pint and continued, "I just can't win. Whenever I go out I make sure none of the doors squeak, I oil the garden gate, I move anything I might trip over in the dark and then when I get home, I take my shoes off before going upstairs, undress in the bathroom and slip very quietly into bed in the pitch black. And it never bloody works! She still turns over and shouts, 'Where have you been until this time of night and keeps on nagging?'"

 

"No, mate," said the second man, "you're doing it all wrong. When I get home late at night, I swing the garden gate backwards and forwards to make as much squeaking noise as possible. Then I slam the front door, turn on all the lights, and stomp up the stairs into the bedroom. I jump into bed and give the wife a good nudge in the ribs and say,

 

'How about it, then, love?' and you can bet you've never seen a woman sleep so deeply."  "Not only that she won't say much about the noise or the time in the morning since she would have to admit she was awake at the time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by fangless

[fangless]

"Look at this!" exclaimed the angry husband to his blonde wife.

"The bank has returned the cheque you wrote last week marked "refer to drawer"."

"Oh, great," she replied.

 

"I wonder what I'll spend it on next week in the furniture store."
 

[fangless]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in an endearing lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

Crouching down, the shop assistant asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby like that one over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and replies quietly,

 

"I don't fink my pyfon really givth a thit, mithter."
 

 

[fangless]

The pompous farm inspector was on his annual tour of the county and had arrived at Farmer Giles' place.

"So how many sheep do you have?" he asked.

"I don't know," replied the farmer,

 

"every time I try to count them, I fall asleep."

[fangless]

The ambitious city type lived for his work, nothing else mattered. Every evening and all weekend he would bring papers home to work on.

Then one day he left some important papers at home and, in a panic, rushed home to get them. As he was passing his spare room, he caught sight of his wife and his boss in bed together.

Later that day he mentioned what he had seen to a colleague.

"Why, that's appalling, are you going back tomorrow to try and catch them at it?"

 

"Good gracious, no, it was lucky he didn't see me this time."