Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

The SAS were recruiting for a special task and three men were up for the job. To test their undying loyalty and reliability they were all asked to do the same thing. Go into the other room and shoot your wife," They ordered the first man, handing him a gun. "Oh no," gasped the man. "My wife means more to me than anything, I can't do it." 
So he was dismissed. 
The second man was given similar instructions. Handing him a gun they ordered him to go next door and shoot his wife dead. 
"I can't do it," replied the ashen-faced man, "Tomorrow is our 5th anniversary and we live a very happy life." 
So the second man was dismissed. 
The third man came in, a gun was passed to him and he was told to go into the next room and kill his wife. The man did as he'd been instructed and went next door. At first there was complete silence but all of a sudden they heard an awful scream, furniture falling over and then all went quiet. A moment later the third man returned. 
"What happened in there?" they asked. 

"Some prat put blank cartridges in the gun so I had no choice but to strangle her," he replied. 

Edited July 14, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A young man was sitting opposite a priest on the train. 
"Excuse me, why do you wear your collar back to front?" 
asked the man. 
"It's because I'm a Father," replied the priest. 
"But I'm a father too," said the man, "and I don't wear my collar back to front." 
"Aah, but the difference is, I'm a father to thousands." 
"Well, in that case," retorted the man, "it's not your collar, it's your trousers you should wear back to front." 

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The local priest rang up his oppo in the Church of England asking him for a favour. 
"I'm supposed to hear confessions in half an hour but something unexpected has come up and I have to be the other side of the diocese by 2 o'clock. Will you take over from me here?" asked the priest. 
"What! but I've never done it before." 
"It's quite straight forward" said the priest. "Sit in with me for half an hour before I go and you'll soon get the hang of it." 
So the vicar agrees and is soon hidden away within earshot of the confessional. The first person to enter is a woman. 
"Father, I have sinned." 
"What have you done my child?" 
"I have been unfaithful." 
"How many times have you been unfaithful?" 
"Four times Father and I am truly sorry." 
"Very well, Put £2 in the box and say 10 Hail Mary's and you'll be absolved." 
Not long after another woman comes in. "Father, I have sinned." 
"What have you done my child?" "I have slept with a married man." 
"How many times?" "Twice." 
"Then put £1 in the box, say 5 Hail Mary's and you'll be absolved." 
Moments later the priest whispered to the vicar. "You see how it works? Take over from me now, I have to go." 
So the vicar seated himself comfortably in the confessional and immediately a woman sat down on the other side. 
"Father, I have sinned," she said. "What have you done, my child?" 
"I have committed adultery." "How many times?" 
"Only once, Father." "Well, you'd better go back and do it again." 
"What! You want me to do it again?" 
"Yes, it's two for £1. here" 

[scottiejohn]

[vogie]

On 7/13/2019 at 2:36 PM, scottiejohn said:

I used to be so cross eyed, I cried down my back, the doctor said I had backtearia.

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[VocalNeal]

9 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Show off!

[Andrew Dwyer]

Good question !!

[ballpoint]

"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be shagging you."

[ballpoint]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance."

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[ballpoint]

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
"Would you like the bridal?" the clerk asks them.
"No thanks," the cowboy answers. "I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it." 

[ballpoint]

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me—I'm a virgin."
The puzzled man replies, "But you've been married three times before."
"I know," she says. "But my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… God, I miss him."

[WorriedNoodle]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Oops, someone’s in trouble !!

[chickenslegs]

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

 

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

 

What did Long John Silver's parrot say when he turned 80?

"Aye matey".

 

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

 

What's the most manic-depressive animal in the world?

The bipolar bear.

 

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

Is this the answer to an age-old question about Thai women?

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"
"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."
"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.
"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!"

[ballpoint]

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"
He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the corridor."