An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out.

 

The father looks at his son excitedly and says, "Go get your mother."
 

 

You may start groaning now!

A drunk husband wakes up from another all-night bender and stumbles into the kitchen.
"I'm guessing you feel awful again this morning," his wife snaps.
"Actually, I feel good," the husband responds. "I slept like a log."
"You didn't even come to bed," the wife answers.

"I know," he answers. "I passed out in the fireplace."
 

I had a strange dream where I was helping this black robed guy with a scythe clear the frost off his car.

I was de-icing with Death.

 

I had a strange dream where I was totally surrounded by pregnant women going into labour.

It was a midwife crisis.

 

I had a strange dream where I was swimming in a fizzy orange ocean.

I wondered if it was real life, or just a Fanta sea.

 

 

Angela Merkel does to Poland for a break. She's stopped at the border by the immigration officer.

Immigration officer- What is your name.

AM- My name is Angela Merkel.

IO- Occupation?

AM- No, i'm here on holiday.

 

I've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. 

I know that's only 3 words, but it's a start.
 

On 9/15/2019 at 8:13 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

Own Goal with a badly scratched score card.  Don't ask anyone else to be referee because you are offside.  Still you can always chalk it up to experience and go down the tunnel of shame for a cold shower.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I've taken up speed reading. I can read 'War and Peace' in 20 seconds. 

I know that's only 3 words, but it's a start.
 

A bit of a Tolstoyry if you ask me but I won't Crimea story over it.

(I will leave the literary/history buffs to get the Crimea connection!)

28 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

A bit of a Tolstoyry if you ask me but I won't Crimea story over it.

(I will leave the literary/history buffs to get the Crimea connection!)

I thought it was called the Crimea River?

 

Edited September 16, 20196 yr by bluesofa
misprit

12 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

I thought is was called the Crimea River?

Nahhhh, Julie London sang that.

6 minutes ago, faraday said:

19 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

I thought it was called the Crimea River?

Nahhhh, Julie London sang that.

Oh yes, my mistake completely - ha ha!

 

Edited September 16, 20196 yr by bluesofa
misprit

Most weekends I go out and spend some time at my wife's grave.

Luckily she thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

20 hours ago, sotonowl said:

Angela Merkel does to Poland for a break. She's stopped at the border by the immigration officer.

Immigration officer- What is your name.

AM- My name is Angela Merkel.

IO- Occupation?

AM- No, i'm here on holiday.

 

There is now tea in my keyboard, again!

The current governance of Thailand will stop the TM₃₀ form requirement as well as the 90 day reporting and re-entry permit requirements.

2 hours ago, Crossy said:

There is now tea in my keyboard, again!

Tea?

18 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Most weekends I go out and spend some time at my wife's grave.

Luckily she thinks I'm digging a fish pond.

It took me three times of reading the above to get the joke.  I just couldn't dig it!

An elderly couple is celebrating their seventy-fifth wedding anniversary.

The man says to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest. Now, I want to assure you that these seventy-five years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know, does he have a different father from all the rest?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, and then confesses. "Yes, he does."
The old man is very shaken, the reality hitting him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was this different father?"
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

 

Then, finally she says to her husband, "You."
 

Edited September 17, 20196 yr by scottiejohn

"Hi! My name is Gertrude," says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane.

"It's so nice to meet you! I'm flying to New York for my grandson's third birthday. I'm so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he's already three! It's really hard to believe. He's the most adorable thing you've ever seen!

You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is. Just look at him, isn't he adorable? Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest. He says to me in the cutest voice, 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary-eyed."

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude realized that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.
"You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!

 

Tell me, what do you think about my grandson?"
 

Edited September 17, 20196 yr by scottiejohn

Did you know ?
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. 
A human hair can hold 3kg. 
The length of a man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. 
The femur is as hard as concrete. 
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
Women blink 2 times as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
All you women have read this entire text and are ready to move on, unless they are doing some measurements of their own. 

 

All you men are still looking at your thumbs and thinking!

 

PS; Some say they are spilling ‘tea’ on their keyboard.
 

My wife seemed upset when I went out last night and left her at home polishing my medieval battle costume.  I can't think why.  She's always going on about wanting a night in, shining armour.

My dear old mother's at the age where she's always telling me which of her friends has died recently.  The other day I went round to her place and she said "Remember Ethyl?  Well, she just died.  Remember Bill?  Well, he just died.  Remember Mary?  Well, she just died".

"Mum!"  I shouted.  "Get off the roof, and give me that gun!"

15 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Women blink 2 times as much as men.

Very important information if one happens to be out very late in Pattaya or......