It’s madness I tell ya, shear bloody madness !!

On September 16, 2019 at 6:21 PM, faraday said:

Nahhhh, Julie London sang that.

So did Ella Fitzgerald ... and Susan Boyle. While I love Julie London's best, Boyle did a great job, much better than Fitzgerald (whom I saw live at the Sydney Opera House). 

On September 20, 2019 at 3:40 PM, scottiejohn said:

Sorry I am late in taking the bait, hook line and sinker-I must admit, but I have been all at sea trawling another plaice where I was casting about and got battered for chipping in with my penny worth.  
It was only after some old bones of a salty old seadog from Iceland could not Findus the little shrimp of a networker who streamed your dammed post to me that I was steamed up enough to poach the contents of my thesaurus and recast some very fishy and tenuous puns back at you!

PS;  Please take what bones from the above tale as you wish but don't let the scales fall from your eyes.

I didn't catch any of that. 

I didn't catch any of that. 

You gotta surf the net ????

20 minutes ago, Dexlowe said:

I didn't catch any of that. 

Maybe you are in the wrong plaice!

11 hours ago, ballpoint said:

A mate asked me if I wanted to join his pub quiz team.

I had to turn him down.  I know nothing about pubs.

A scouser goes on the Antiques Roadshow with a very rare vase.
Fiona Bruce asks, "How did you acquire the vase?" 
The scouser says, "It was handed down to me." 
Fiona Bruce, "Where from?" 

The scouser replies, "An upstairs window."
 

A young lady walks into a supermarket. 
And on her way round she sees the chap who'd had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying Toad!” she shouts," last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"

"No,” he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
(Ariel is a well known laundry powder in Europe)
 

The plumber asked me: ''Why haven't you paid the bill for the work I did last Friday".
I replied: "Well it was not what you quoted"
The plumber said: "1 didn't give you a quote?
I said, "Yes you did, when I asked what was the best day you could do the job you said you were free on Friday!" 
 

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead, she's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel! 

Paddy says to Murphy "I robbed a shop last night, I took a load of pictures, the cheapest one is worth £180,000!"....Murphy says" Paddy you've robbed an estate agents ya daft eejit!

I told my mum l was going to build a car out of spaghetti, she didn't believe me. 
Should of seen her face when I drove pasta!

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension!
She said she just couldn't take it any longer! 

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee does not include a driver and that I have to collect the Limo myself, I’m gutted as I have nothing to chauffeur it.

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics.
Do you know what they have given me for breakfast? "Cheerios". 

After sex last night, my girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know. You are by far the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response. 
 

Edited September 23, 20196 yr by scottiejohn

6 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Maybe you are in the wrong plaice!

Well, I wouldn't want to mussel in on your territory.

7 minutes ago, Dexlowe said:

Well, I wouldn't want to mussel in on your territory.

I would clam up then!

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

That deserves 5 thumbs up. ???? ???? ???? ???? ???? ????