About two hours into my first day as a ‘meet and greeter’ at Jack's Paint and Hardware, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Jacks Paint."
I smiled and added, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

This ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Twins..???? Do they look like twins?? Of course they aren’t twins you idiot!!! The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I looked her in the eye, smiled and replied, "No madam, I'm neither blind nor stupid, I just can’t believe someone would have screwed you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Jack's Paint and Hardware"

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work, and suggested I tried Walmart.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

^ OH no. Another App I have to avoid?

My teacher laughed when I said I had learned all 25 letters of the alphabet.

 

I don’t know why.

The real reason many postal votes never made it...

A bloke was out drinking when he gets a call on his phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average in my family, folks... My boy just takes after his old man."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

The real reason many postal votes never made it...

That cracked me up, no bumming!.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

 

They charged one - and let the other off.

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized Wyatt Earp standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

Old Earp looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied Earp.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the pipe out of the piano player's mouth.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said Earp. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot the hat off the piano player's head.

"Wow!" exclaimed the young cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got anymore tips?"
Earp pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said Earp, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

Wyatt Earp said , "No, but when Billy the Kid gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."

 

Edited November 29, 20205 yr by chickenslegs

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to <deleted> Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help.

 

The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."

The man asks, "W-w-what's the c-c-cure, d-d-doctor?"

The doctor replies, "We have to amputate it and replace it with a shorter one from a donor."

The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation, with the proviso that his 12 inch penis is preserved. The operation is a success and, with his new, shorter penis, he stops stuttering.

Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that now he has a shorter penis, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to sew back his 12 incher.

 

Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 12 inches back!"

The doctor responds, "N-n-no w-w-way!"

 

Worst joke ever:  that Thai roads are safe!  That's a terrible joke!

50 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to <deleted> Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

Seems that the word <deleted> (pr1ck) is no longer permitted here.

Even when it refers to the act of lancing a boil.

Edited November 29, 20205 yr by chickenslegs