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1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
 
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
 
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job, and people liked to hem and haw about the price.
 
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
 
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme..
 
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, But any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
 
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
 
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
 
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
 
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
 
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
 
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..
 
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
 
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, But had to quit because it was the same old grind.
 
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB - LOVE IT

High Tech Religion reaches the masses!

 

A woman went to a local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

Soon the psychic’s eyelids began fluttering, her voice started to quiver, her hands floated up above the table, and she began moaning. Eventually a coherent voice emanated, saying:

‘Granddaughter? Are you there?’ 
 The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responded:

‘Grandma, is that you?’ 
 ‘Yes, granddaughter, it’s me.’ 
 ‘It’s really, really you, grandma?’ 
 ‘Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.’ 
 The woman looked puzzled.

‘You’re sure it’s you, Grandma, Granny Fatima?’ 
 ‘Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.’ 
 The woman paused for a moment.

‘Grandma, I have just one question for you.’ 
 ‘Anything, my child.’ 

 ‘When did you learn to speak English?’ 
 

 Teacher: Johnny, why weren’t you at school yesterday? 
 Johnny: Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull. 
 Teacher: I’m sure your father could have done that. 
 Johnny: No, it has to be the bull. 
 

 A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked on the door.

When a woman answered, he asked her the names and ages of her children. 
 She said: ‘Let’s see now, there are the twins, Billy and Bobby, they’re seventeen.

And the twins, Seth and Beth, they’re sixteen.

And the twins, Benny and Jenny, they’re fifteen.’ 
 ‘Wait a minute!’ said the census taker. ‘Did you get twins every time?’ 
 ‘Heck no,’ answered the woman.

‘There were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.’
 

What do you get when you cross:- A dog with a cantaloupe?

A melon-collie baby. 
 

What happens if you play country music backwards? -

Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. 
 

 Did you hear about the sadistic mathematician who turned off his heating because he wanted to be cold and calculating?
 

Do you sleep on your stomach? If not, can I? 
 

Edited September 7, 20214 yr by fangless