My mate is so engrossed with technology that he had a mobile phone implanted into his throat yesterday
His wife will ring his neck when she finds out.

Top Tip of the Day:
Never ask a starfish for directions.

Traffic News:-
Highway 2 near Saraburi,
A coach containing session musicians has overturned. 

Drivers may expect lengthy jams.

After attending several Alcoholics Anonymous meetings now, I'd like to share my experience in the hope that it will benefit others.

Take your own cans, 'cos they only have tea and soft drinks on offer.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

What do gardeners do when they retire?

They go fishing!

 

14 minutes ago, ravip said:

It required a Google search but I got it in the end????

 When a famous admiral died, the navy wanted to lay on a grand ceremony in his honour. After two hours of speeches and hymns, it was suggested that the event should end with a cannon salute. 
 That was when the organisation of the ceremony threatened to run into trouble for nobody on the four-man planning committee could seem to agree on the number of shots that should be fired in the salute. 
 ‘I think one shot would be perfect,’ said the first captain. ‘It would be moving and deeply symbolic.’ 
 ‘I think there should be two,’ suggested the second captain, ‘in honour of the two great battles he won.’ 
 ‘Well, I think we should have three shots,’ said the third captain, ‘as a mark of respect to the number of ships he commanded.’ 
 The fourth captain puffed quietly on his pipe until asked for his opinion. 
 ‘There’s no argument,’ he said. ‘We must fire four shots at the end of the ceremony to commemorate the late admiral’s four decorations for gallantry. In fact, I have already discussed the matter with the Queen, and it has all been approved.’ 
 With that, the other three captains stormed out of the room. One turned at the door and said:

 

‘We wouldn’t have bothered coming if we had known it was a four-gun conclusion!’ 
 

   A farmer needed to buy a bull to service his cows but, in order to afford it, he had to borrow money from the bank. The banker who lent him the money stopped by a week later to see how his investment was shaping up. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at the cows, so the banker suggested calling in a vet to take a look at the animal. 
 The following week the banker returned to see if the vet had been of any use. The farmer looked very pleased. ‘The bull serviced all my cows twice,’ he said, ‘then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbour’s cows three times.’ 
 ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the banker. ‘What did the vet do to that bull?’ 
 ‘Just gave me some pills to give him,’ replied the farmer. 
 ‘What kind of pills?’ 
 ‘I don’t know,’ said the farmer, ‘but they sort of taste like dark chocolate.’ 
 

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, would you expect a longer sentence?

What do you get when you cross:- A chicken with a cement mixer? -

A crappy brick layer!

A mother asked her young son:

‘Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?’  

‘Well you said it was my lunch money.’ 
 

Chat-up Line:-  • Let’s have breakfast together tomorrow. Shall I call you or nudge you? 

1 hour ago, fangless said:

Chat-up Line:-  • Let’s have breakfast together tomorrow. Shall I call you or nudge you? 

I actually used to use "Buy you breakfast?" with some success back in the day... 

1 hour ago, Yellowtail said:

I actually used to use "Buy you breakfast?" with some success back in the day... 

You'd be toast with a chat-up line like that unless you really egged her on and buttered her up before scrambling for some more snap crackle and pop! 

1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

It would be a bit of a bare bones ceremony and Instead of being "laid to rest" they would be being "laid bare"

41 minutes ago, fangless said:

You'd be toast with a chat-up line like that unless you really egged her on and buttered her up before scrambling for some more snap crackle and pop! 

Dude, nine times out of ten the response is "Breakfast?" with a quizzical look, to which you respond with well, not 'till morning, but you're not hungry now are you?