Can't Stop Cheating On My Boyfriend

[maxhilldale]

Well I need a bit of advice, or maybe just to get beat on the head.

I am a farang that has been in a relationship with a Thai guy for the last 4 years. We are both the same age, 30, and he has kind of been the the string that has held my baloon down (for the most part) and kept me from going crazy in this city. I do really love him, but we almost never have sex, and if we do it's usually just me giving him a blow job while I have a wank at best.

Over the last few years I've acquired a couple of 'gigs' (guys for sex on the side) that help me fulfill my needs from time to time, or else get drunk/pick a guy up/go to a short time hotel for sex kind of thing. It has worked out for me for the most part, other then my guilty conscious.

The thing is I know he's not cheating on me. I think he just doesn't care about sex as much as I do, or he's just not interested in me sexually anymore.

Bangkok is a small town for us gays and I feel it's only a matter of time tell he finds out what I've been doing if I keep this up. He's told me before if he ever found I had another guy he would 'stop me.' Which is the main reason why I can't tell him and have to sneak behind his back.

What to do?? Stop cheating and live a life of wanking to Internet porn? And how can I avoid all the stunning Thai guys tempting me everywhere I look? Should I just continue cheating and risk getting caught? Or break up with him, which I really don't want to do either?

Any advice would come in handy..................

Kob Khun Krub!

[paulsmithson]

I am straight guy who has a very good friend who was gay.

One evening we went for a drink and as we left the pub a gorgeous woman breezed past. I said to my gay friend---bloody hel_l I want her---I have a marvellous wife at home and I really wish I was not like this I I seem unable to be faithfull to one person!

Joe said-Paul---I would give my right arm to be as you are! ( ie not gay)

All I can advise is do not be like me---you are gay yes---does not mean you have to be a player!

You have a good guy---- respect him and talk to him. tell him there is a problem and sort it out.

[toptuan]

Start with a frank talk about your sexual needs and if both of you can be fulfilled in the relationship. If it doesn't go well, then ask for the freedom to search for a more-fulfilling relationship--everything you two have now, plus the big "S." If the result of your conversation means he "stops" you, then that's better than you sneaking around and him finding out later. Meanwhile, have safe sex, avoid HIV/AIDS, and remember than Thai condoms are 14% defective on the average.

[ProThaiExpat]

Raging hormones are the blessing and the curse of those in your age bracket. Maintaining a LTR is far more difficult when you are young than when maturity tempers your urges. Young LTRs the world over suffer from your problem, although many not so bad, as they insure sexual compatibility before committing.

My experience with Thais, especially passive gay ones, is they are not so sexually fixated as westerners, for many reasons. Thus, it is not surprising to hear of your loves lower libido compared to yours.

Hand in hand with a lower libido, goes a willingness to make relationships work and to "take care" of their "husbands". Thus, in my view, the prior advice to have a frank talk with your love is a good one. He may very well be willing to "service" your sexual needs as an act of loving you, as many in LTRs are willing to do for their lover, whatever the lover requires. As you report you do for him. If in fact, he "allows" you to fellate him as his "service" to you, he may not be truly gay?

If the love is there, the way is there. Loving couples make all kinds of accomodations to make their spouse happy and I see no reason why he won't, unless of course, he doesn't really love you and then you are bettter off moving on. Thais are great at talking the talk, now see if he will walk the walk.

[Scott]

I am a serial philander just as you are. So here's some advice--and I've been with my partner for close to 20 years.

First, it is very, very easy to get bored with the sexual part of the relationship--I know why they call it 'same-sex' now. Over time the sexual part of the relationship has stopped, but the love/caring--including the arguing and fighting remains stable.

Men, are by nature, likely to 'spread their seed around' and that's part of the genes.

Second, try not to blame your partner. He is not responsible. What exactly is it that you want--and if your like a lot of people--it's something new, exciting, & challenging. That means a new 'gig', an occasional illicit tryst.

It's best if you can be honest with your partner, but if you can't or if it will only cause a great deal of hurt--don't. Your conscience is not more important than his happiness.

Hey, learn to accept who you are and what you are. Best of luck.

[qwertz]

I am a serial philander just as you are. So here's some advice--and I've been with my partner for close to 20 years.

First, it is very, very easy to get bored with the sexual part of the relationship--I know why they call it 'same-sex' now. Over time the sexual part of the relationship has stopped, but the love/caring--including the arguing and fighting remains stable.

Men, are by nature, likely to 'spread their seed around' and that's part of the genes.

Second, try not to blame your partner. He is not responsible. What exactly is it that you want--and if your like a lot of people--it's something new, exciting, & challenging. That means a new 'gig', an occasional illicit tryst.

It's best if you can be honest with your partner, but if you can't or if it will only cause a great deal of hurt--don't. Your conscience is not more important than his happiness.

Hey, learn to accept who you are and what you are. Best of luck.

This is an enlightening story from a side of life I usually only joke about or snipe at. If you're hetero you can get advice from any of your more knowledgeable buddys. But butch guys tend to shy away from contact with gays although I think know where this guy is coming from. However, the same applies to a gay as a straight, I suppose. If you've come to the end of the road, it's time to move on. You want the best of two worlds and that's not fair.

[ngieen]

try introdce your boyfriend to 3somes. it works for us.

[PeaceBlondie]

I don't know; we're not you. But maybe having a frank discussion about sex would help in lots of ways. Find out what really turns him on. You can be with a sex partner for years without knowing, and then suddenly, "OMIGOD!" you discover it. Maybe it's straight porn or bisexual porn (a definite clue that he's not really gay), or a threesome with the right kind of third person.

Threaten to end the relationship (or at least start hinting), and see if he'll concede. The longer I live here, the more cases I hear of where the LTR (Thai with farang) is open.

These posts are seen by all the straight posters, so let's keep the sex words less obvious, okay?

[peter991]

maxhilldale: This sounds like my first Thai bf. It was a bit like a straight arranged marriage when I was intending to retire to Thailand 3 years ago. He told me he was gay - but was more interested in his university studies than having a farang bf. After the first few days I realised that what we both wanted was poles apart and we went our separate ways - him back to Khon Kaen - I stayed in Pattaya.

Perhaps this was a blessing in disguise - as the night he left I found my dream Thai guy - we are still together today.

My advice: Communicate. After 4 years together you should both be very happy together. I am sorry that this isn't so. Have a real 'heart-to-heart' with him - see if you can reach a compromise which is acceptable to both of you. If not - it's time to move on.

Don't look at the last 4 years as 'wasted.' Look at them as a learning experience - something you can learn from and lessons you can take to your next relationship.

Peter

[Beaming]

I am a serial philander just as you are. So here's some advice--and I've been with my partner for close to 20 years.

First, it is very, very easy to get bored with the sexual part of the relationship--I know why they call it 'same-sex' now. Over time the sexual part of the relationship has stopped, but the love/caring--including the arguing and fighting remains stable.

Men, are by nature, likely to 'spread their seed around' and that's part of the genes.

Second, try not to blame your partner. He is not responsible. What exactly is it that you want--and if your like a lot of people--it's something new, exciting, & challenging. That means a new 'gig', an occasional illicit tryst.

It's best if you can be honest with your partner, but if you can't or if it will only cause a great deal of hurt--don't. Your conscience is not more important than his happiness.

Hey, learn to accept who you are and what you are. Best of luck.

[Bangkokbob]

Isn't it obvious that the problem is you aren't getting any sex from your boy friend ? Either he gets into the act with you often or you get into the act with someone else or you stay frustrated. Can you think of any more options ? I can't. Either have a talk with him, " I love you so much but I really need ..... " or wait til you get caught and pay the price or stay frustrated or leave him. Are there any more options ? You have to make a choice and go down that road. Right now you are waiting to get caught. You have made a choice.

BB

[farang prince]

Well I need a bit of advice, or maybe just to get beat on the head.

I am a farang that has been in a relationship with a Thai guy for the last 4 years. We are both the same age, 30, and he has kind of been the the string that has held my baloon down (for the most part) and kept me from going crazy in this city. I do really love him, but we almost never have sex, and if we do it's usually just me giving him a blow job while I have a wank at best.

Over the last few years I've acquired a couple of 'gigs' (guys for sex on the side) that help me fulfill my needs from time to time, or else get drunk/pick a guy up/go to a short time hotel for sex kind of thing. It has worked out for me for the most part, other then my guilty conscious.

The thing is I know he's not cheating on me. I think he just doesn't care about sex as much as I do, or he's just not interested in me sexually anymore.

Bangkok is a small town for us gays and I feel it's only a matter of time tell he finds out what I've been doing if I keep this up. He's told me before if he ever found I had another guy he would 'stop me.' Which is the main reason why I can't tell him and have to sneak behind his back.

What to do?? Stop cheating and live a life of wanking to Internet porn? And how can I avoid all the stunning Thai guys tempting me everywhere I look? Should I just continue cheating and risk getting caught? Or break up with him, which I really don't want to do either?

Any advice would come in handy..................

Kob Khun Krub!

If your boyfriend finds out, he might solve your problem permanently.

[endure]

Quack quack!

[kingsawai]

the key word here is communication

[PeaceBlondie]

I just saw a non-porn Japanese movie about two young lovers who are jealous of any competition, yet both are cheating on each other. At the end of the movie, they decide that love is more important than sex, and I think they didn't stop fooling around with other men after the movie ended.

[kingsawai]

I just saw a non-porn Japanese movie about two young lovers who are jealous of any competition, yet both are cheating on each other. At the end of the movie, they decide that love is more important than sex, and I think they didn't stop fooling around with other men after the movie ended.

interesting, what's the film called?

Edited February 28, 2007 by kingsawai

[bungalowbill]

Well I need a bit of advice, or maybe just to get beat on the head.

I am a farang that has been in a relationship with a Thai guy for the last 4 years. We are both the same age, 30, and he has kind of been the the string that has held my baloon down (for the most part) and kept me from going crazy in this city. I do really love him, but we almost never have sex, and if we do it's usually just me giving him a blow job while I have a wank at best.

Over the last few years I've acquired a couple of 'gigs' (guys for sex on the side) that help me fulfill my needs from time to time, or else get drunk/pick a guy up/go to a short time hotel for sex kind of thing. It has worked out for me for the most part, other then my guilty conscious.

The thing is I know he's not cheating on me. I think he just doesn't care about sex as much as I do, or he's just not interested in me sexually anymore.

Bangkok is a small town for us gays and I feel it's only a matter of time tell he finds out what I've been doing if I keep this up. He's told me before if he ever found I had another guy he would 'stop me.' Which is the main reason why I can't tell him and have to sneak behind his back.

What to do?? Stop cheating and live a life of wanking to Internet porn? And how can I avoid all the stunning Thai guys tempting me everywhere I look? Should I just continue cheating and risk getting caught? Or break up with him, which I really don't want to do either?

Any advice would come in handy..................

Kob Khun Krub!

Excuse me but I will try and be as nice as possible here. How can you think you are possibly cheating on someone if all you do is give him head? You are not cheating because he is not your boyfriend. By the way what does he do when your not giving him head?.......I'm not on the forums much but this sure sounds like one of those posts they call trolling??? If its not I sure feel sorry for you dude...and at such a young age???? seriously I don't want to be mean or hurtful, but please read your post againg and think about.

[popshirt]

I just saw a non-porn Japanese movie about two young lovers who are jealous of any competition, yet both are cheating on each other. At the end of the movie, they decide that love is more important than sex, and I think they didn't stop fooling around with other men after the movie ended.

Sounds very sensible to me. Love and sex are not the same thing!

[bungalowbill]

I just saw a non-porn Japanese movie about two young lovers who are jealous of any competition, yet both are cheating on each other. At the end of the movie, they decide that love is more important than sex, and I think they didn't stop fooling around with other men after the movie ended.

Sounds very sensible to me. Love and sex are not the same thing!

Yes PB and Popshirt they are not the same...however, we are not talking about a movie here....this is a farang and a Thai, so a few questions need to be answered. Is the Thai "boyfreind" financially dependent on the farang..if so than the word boyfriend becomes invalid. Also don't you guys find it a little peculiar that the only sex those two have is the farang giving oral sex? hmm? could his "boyfriend be straight, if this is the situation I'm not criticising either one of them...but the Poster needs to stop kidding himself and stop feeling guilty about "cheating" Cheating on what????? please comment...thanks and feel free to set me straight if you think I'm wrong

[BigSnake]

Well I need a bit of advice, or maybe just to get beat on the head.

I am a farang that has been in a relationship with a Thai guy for the last 4 years. We are both the same age, 30, and he has kind of been the the string that has held my baloon down (for the most part) and kept me from going crazy in this city. I do really love him, but we almost never have sex, and if we do it's usually just me giving him a blow job while I have a wank at best.

Over the last few years I've acquired a couple of 'gigs' (guys for sex on the side) that help me fulfill my needs from time to time, or else get drunk/pick a guy up/go to a short time hotel for sex kind of thing. It has worked out for me for the most part, other then my guilty conscious.

The thing is I know he's not cheating on me. I think he just doesn't care about sex as much as I do, or he's just not interested in me sexually anymore.

Bangkok is a small town for us gays and I feel it's only a matter of time tell he finds out what I've been doing if I keep this up. He's told me before if he ever found I had another guy he would 'stop me.' Which is the main reason why I can't tell him and have to sneak behind his back.

What to do?? Stop cheating and live a life of wanking to Internet porn? And how can I avoid all the stunning Thai guys tempting me everywhere I look? Should I just continue cheating and risk getting caught? Or break up with him, which I really don't want to do either?

Any advice would come in handy..................

Kob Khun Krub!

My guess is he already know you are cheating and he is doing the very same thing. FaceIT you both are just MALE SLUTS!! Enjoy, pratice safe sex PLEASE!!

[PeaceBlondie]

The movie was packaged funny, but the theme in the English subtitles seemed to be "I like you; I like you very much." And finally, they decided they loved each other very much, and it was probably okay to be non-monogamous.

Back to the OP: it seems the majority of us agree you don't have a boyfriend anyway. Feel free to have sex with real boyfriends, and to move on.

[leisurely]

Obviously I am neither gay nor male (nor am I offended by the discussion of sex) what I would say though is this is a common problem in the hetero world too. After a long time with the same person one becomes bored. What matters though, isn't the frequency of intimicy ( even if it never happens), what is important is that you are honest with each other. How would your BF REALLY feel if he found out you had been with other people behind his back.? I truly think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

Good luck

Leisurely

[SmokeandIce]

Obviously I am neither gay nor male (nor am I offended by the discussion of sex) what I would say though is this is a common problem in the hetero world too. After a long time with the same person one becomes bored. What matters though, isn't the frequency of intimicy ( even if it never happens), what is important is that you are honest with each other. How would your BF REALLY feel if he found out you had been with other people behind his back.? I truly think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

Good luck

Leisurely

I think this is the best advice...communicate with your other half and let him know where you stand. Also, I think you should define what type of relationship you are willing to have. If he does not agree, then friends is cool but time for a new bf.

[Pawpcorn]

but we almost never have sex, and if we do it's usually just me giving him a blow job while I have a wank at best.

The thing is I know he's not cheating on me. I think he just doesn't care about sex as much as I do, or he's just not interested in me sexually anymore.

First of all, can I recommend a WONDERFUL book, that does a wonderful job explaining the Thai Boy? It's called "The Rice Queen Diaries" by Daniel Gawthrop. It explores our mutual attraction to Asian men, through his experiences... and sure enough, he ended up HERE in Thailand, as an expat, for 2 years, after visiting here and few other places.... I've read it cover to cover twice, and it's given me great insight.

Secondly I'll give you the advice a wonderful (3 year expat (straight)) farang gave me in Puckett, when I was in my first month of living in Bangkok, and in my second relationship... (the first one (the one I had given up EVERYTHING in the states for... the one that was "love you forever" lasted all of 4 days (but would you believe 6 bouts of sex per day...? whew! a personal record! ) before he was in bed with his old farang boyfriend! huh???)

This second relationship, sexually, was much like what you describe, sexual-wise, leaving me highly frustrated . Brian, (the farang) asked me... are you happy? I said "No", and he said well dump that relationship! There are SOOOoooo many guys here that would love to be in a relationship with you that you can find someone who matches you, sexually! Guaranteed!!

Brian also explained that our farang concept of "LOVE" (so excessively deep and burdened) was wayyyyy f*cked up and wayyyyyyy too deep... Thai love is much lighter and less complicated a relationship... get used to it... it WORKS MUCH better and is much more fun.... and the breakups don't leave you suicidal, get it?

Well, that made me think, and a couple weeks later I met boyfriend #3 in Sala Daeng... we were an item for about 2 1/2 months, and although the sex was MUCH better... it was a little strange, because it was as though he had been taught by his parents that gay sex was bad, and it was bad to cum, bad to <deleted>, not healthy, etc etc... The kids in this country actually repect their parents, and believe and trust, unquestioned, anything and everything their parents tell them. He had to close the door to the bathroom to take a pee...

I HAVE learned that the Thai society is, by and large, not an "eroticized" culture, (and our farang societies ARE). This, as all things in Thai society, makes perfectly good sense, when you consider how the kids generally have to share the same bed together, everyone's living in the same ROOM, for God's sake, to paint the picture... and Thai boys generally have to join the Buddhist monastery for a year... and they are taught that semal emissions are forbidden (believe it.)

BUT, on the positive side, there is NO guilt or hangups about sexuality, which is SUCH a blessed relief, after my living in the states 56 long years.

I broke up with Thai b/f #3, (who is 23) after 2 1/2 months, feeling pinched by his ongoing growing need for money, money, and money, and his complaining that my desire for sex usually every night was way excessive... he wanted it a couple times a week.

4 days later, 5 months ago, I met Thai "boi" number 4. He is 35, and hard worker at a local sidewalk restaurant, and has the most beautiful body and skin that I have ever seen. I am so happy to say that yes, his sex drive matches mine perfectly. We do anything and everything with few exceptions (he doesn't like the taste of semen (yet) ) and nothing is forced or contrived... it is just sheer raw fun, lust, sex and love. ######, yes, I am lucky / very blessed... and so is he, in so many ways. He lost his parents at an early age, and never joined the monastery, so he I'm summising that didn't get the negative sexual programming of b/f #3. How amazing is it for me to pretend sometimes that tonight is a night with "no sex tonight" and have him crawl under the covers... and convince me otherwise...?!?!?

So... moral of the story... don't hang on to an unsatisfying relationship... here in Thailand... because that's just bu!!sh!t behavior that has no place here... it deserves... it MUST be left behind... in the homeland.

This is Thailand, for God's sake. Have you ever seen more beautiful men ANYWHERE in the world???? You deserve to be happy, and so does your partner.

Cheers!

[Buki]

try introdce your boyfriend to 3somes. it works for us.

Amen. It greatly helped in our relationship in the past. As of now, we stopped looking for a third wheel. We have moved on more important things in our lives. Like planning a future together; doing trips and visiting places, mutual investments, doing hobbies together and etc. That helped in sorting out problems, and sex became less important.

Communicating openly about your feelings will really help you put things in a new perspective for both of you. good luck.

[phayao]

First of all, can I recommend a WONDERFUL book, that does a wonderful job explaining the Thai Boy? It's called "The Rice Queen Diaries" by Daniel Gawthrop. It explores our mutual attraction to Asian men, through his experiences... and sure enough, he ended up HERE in Thailand, as an expat, for 2 years, after visiting here and few other places.... I've read it cover to cover twice, and it's given me great insight.

te]

I like all you've said, Pawpcorn; I'll try to get that book as soon as possible.

I would like to see more comments on books gay-Thai related. I remember (and I recommend) a book that made me understand this country and its men: "Men of Thailand", by Eric Alwynn.

Thanks to this book, and to more readings, I have had a very enjoyable time since the first moment I arrived here and they helped me to become a very happy man: I married the Thai boy I loved after 15 wonderful years together.