Is This It?

[November Rain]

My BF died nearly a year ago & I've just started to think about the future vis a vis companionship and romance and I've realised I have no future in those terms!

I'm 37 years old & farang - 2 strikes against me already. I very rarely go out, due to my little boy & the dogs & if I do go out I often take littl'un with me. My work "colleagues" are dogs, a 19 year old Burmese lad and women. I do have friends, both in real life and on here (and another forum I'm very active in), but my real life friends I only see on the rare occasions I go out, not many people are brave enough to come to my house

I don't actually want a relationship at the moment; too hung up on the memory of BF and not able (or willing, if I'm truthful) to put the time or energy into a new relationship. Also, I have the added worry of littl'un - don't want him to get another father (figure) that's going to "leave". He already gets very attached to virtually every guy we mix with. But the idea that I will most likely never have a loving, romantic relationship with a man again is unbearably depressing.

So, how do I cope with this realisation, ladies? Any ideas on how to accept it & make the thought more bearable?

BTW, apologies if I sound self-indulgent & sorry for myself - that's just what I'm trying to change.

[Casanundra]

BTW, apologies if I sound self-indulgent & sorry for myself - that's just what I'm trying to change.

I'm not a lady (obviously) but just remember that time is a great healer. Personally I don't see how being a farang lady at 37 puts you at a disadvantage either and maybe you need to just go out and get yourself involved in clubs or working in the public eye or doing something that brings you into contact with lots of people. Your son sounds great and I can understand why you wish to protect him but please don't let that worry hold you back. You only live once, get yourself onto the Internet chat sites, meet people, live you life and remember that not all white guys here are after little brown numbers. Sometimes intelligent conversation and the need to share something in common with someone is far more important.

Good luck, the future will be bright for you i'm sure.

[Jet Gorgon]

Hmmm, I am looking at all the positive things you just wrote about -- lttl'un, home, doggies, friends -- and I think you are beating yourself up for no reason. When I read your posts, I see a beautiful spirit coming across in your words.

I really never started living until I was 400. So you have plenty of time. 37 is a great age.

Feeling boxed in perchance, because you have responsibilities and cannot just get up and go? Lonely because of the tragic loss of your beau, for sure. Maybe you can take a few days off alone and meditate on what you want to do.

See how you feel about things when you get back. I reckon there is so much love and laughter at your place, you forget it's there when you have it everyday.

It's not a sin to go out and enjoy people's company, even the cute boys. Hey, you could be married to Tutsi and then where would you be? Cleaning up after his cooking escapades all day.

Write a list of what makes you content, sad and uncertain. Then work on reorchestrating everything into the "content" page.

I'm with you all the way.

PM me anytime, Girl. Hate to see you blue.

Best,

Jet

[Wolfie]

Sometimes intelligent conversation and the need to share something in common with someone is far more important.

I whole heartedly agree with the above (modified) statement

[Thaddeus]

NR, you say that you don't want a relationship at the moment. That is perfectly understandable.

In your postings, you come across as one of the most sensible and well balanced members of this forum. Do you feel, even sub-consciously, that there is something missing from your life at the moment, a father figure for little'un maybe?

If that is the case, I wouldn't worry about it too much. My brother was only eleven when our Dad passed away and he grew up perfectly well adjusted, thanks mainly to having a strong Mother .... and she didn't secure another relationship until 20 years had gone by, I'm not saying you need to wait that long, you will know when the time is right, and there will be somebody there.

[MiG16]

darling NR.....

Im not good with words, but one thing I can say is of all the people on thaivisa you are one amongst my favorite, not just cos I enjoy our exchange and we have a good laugh every so often, but mostly because I really admire you for all the things that you do, taking care of those dogs is a huge huge responsibility, and also what you do for your little boy.

funnily? or coincidentally enough I was infact thinking of starting a thread asking people to talk about people they admire (can be on thaivisa or outside of), partly cos there seems to be so much negativity talks, when infact there is so much positive around us

but yes I can see where you are coming from and accept that the male companionship is still needed, at the beginning even if just to add that extra zest into life, and I suppose in the long term when you meet the right one, that would bring even more than just the little sparks but a more meaningful relationship. I cant offer any permanent solution out of it (my collection of boytoys kinda ran out of battery ) but joking aside....you just need to somehow find time to go out and have a bit of fun...Im not talking about you being able to find that 'right' guy right away...that could take time for whatever reason (besides...there arent all that many 'nice men' around sorry guys ) but it helps to just go out, watch some eye candy, flirt a little bit if you see a cute boy, or even act the hard to get snob if you dont see anything appealing and basically just have fun. seems like a girls night out is in order sweetie you know...HuaHin and Bangkok are not that far from each other Im only a PM/phonecall away. just push the red button

[Little Black Duck]

November Rain...I posted this once before but knowing your love of Doggies and life itself..

I though this might just put things into perspective

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. Then he set about nailing it to a post at the edge of his yard.

As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy. "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly! he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence.

His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller.

Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up. "I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg, attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands." With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

[fruittbatt]

NR,

when you say you have "realised" there is no romantic future, I think you will change your mind in time. I recall reading through your introduction of yourself here and being amazed at the strength you have shown in the face of some huge losses. And still you are able to care for your adopted son and your dogs, and to think about love! I think the fact that you ARE now considering your romantic options shows that you are beginning to emerge from mourning.

Just because your present life seems to shut out eligible men, don't give up. You may have to create new opportunities in your life for meeting a great guy, or new directions for yourself...which may just attract the sort of guy you would like.

I was well over 40 when I met my second husband. I had raised my children alone for most of 17 years. When they both left home I sold my business and enrolled at university. It was only then that I met someone who is compatible, smart, and fun to be with. It's NEVER too late.

[farangsay]

Well. 37 single female round-eye. Situation does sound fairly hopeless doesn't it ?

Seriously though.

Losing a BF like that must be fairly heartbreaking but your life goes on and you seem to be getting on with OK except you're not giving yourself an even break.

Organise your work and home so you GET OUT MORE.

You make it sound as if you go out on the town slightly more often than I go to

church. You don't have to become a party animal but there is a middle way.

Go out for a social do , even a modest one , with friends AT LEAST ONCE A

WEEK. You must have somebody trustworthy on your staff who could do a bit

of OT babysitting the sprog.

Saw somebody mention internet chat. Have to disagree. There lies introverted

geekdom.

G'luck

[sbk]

I'm with fruitbatt on this one. It is never too late. My grandmother remarried in her 50's and lived happily with her husband for over 20 years.

It will happen when you are ready to let it happen, I believe. You are still grieving and as such, can't see life with another person. Grow and learn from your experiences and when the time is right you'll have a better chance of meeting someone compatible.

[Sheryl]

NR,

There's no reason to think that you won't have another relationship (s) in the future, 37 is not that old, but more to the point, it would not be the end of the world if you didn't.

Romantic relationships aren't the only form of love or companionship and while they can be very rewarding, they are not the secret to a happy life.

Not being in one doesn't mean being unhappy unless you believe it has to. So I would say, start by re-examining that assumption...

[bina]

dont look at the numbers. there are old 37 and young 37. u are just coming out of mourning and it will take time .... maybe u just need some 'no responsibility time' ; two days away from son, with out worrying about money, etc. the responsibility of raisning a child alone is always , i think, more difficult, let alone in a different country etc. make use of friend/neighbhor for help with babysitting/spoiling etc. u arent superwoman so u can say to your son that mommy needs a day for herself to do her hair/shop/chat/run around the mountain naked or whatever. your son will also learn that mommy goes and comes back each time; and that there are other people to lean on a bit.

and u dont half to worry about biological clocks etc ; u've had relationship taht was good so u will have an other one when u want one that also will be good. and u will find it in an unlikely place (looking into crystal ball here....)

also in foreign country w/o family; and i learned to lean on friends something that i never did in my life when i was married. i discovered how wonderful women friends can be (and how bitchy also lol) ;

[November Rain]

Thanks to everyone for the replies and for the pm's I received. Just going through a small bad patch at the mo and one of my favourite dogs died at 11:30pm last night for no apparent reason, in my arms, so I was having a very blue day & unfortunately decided that this was the right time to start a new thread! Sorry about that. Yes, the "Is this it?" subject is a genuine concern to me, but I don't usually feel as sorry for myself as I seem to today. New note to self: "No starting threads when drunk (very rare, these days) or when feeling sorry for yourself!"

I think I do need to try & organise some time to get myself a bit of a life, as some of you suggested, although a few days wouldn't be possible. I'm sure I can manage the odd night or lunch here & there. And MiG, definitely a girly night out for you & me when you make it down here!

Thanks all

[meme]

Thanks to everyone for the replies and for the pm's I received. Just going through a small bad patch at the mo and one of my favourite dogs died at 11:30pm last night for no apparent reason, in my arms, so I was having a very blue day & unfortunately decided that this was the right time to start a new thread! Sorry about that. Yes, the "Is this it?" subject is a genuine concern to me, but I don't usually feel as sorry for myself as I seem to today. New note to self: "No starting threads when drunk (very rare, these days) or when feeling sorry for yourself!"

I think I do need to try & organise some time to get myself a bit of a life, as some of you suggested, although a few days wouldn't be possible. I'm sure I can manage the odd night or lunch here & there. And MiG, definitely a girly night out for you & me when you make it down here!

Thanks all

NR,

please don't apologise for starting this thread or for your feelings, they are so valid and really I would hope that part of us all being involved in this forum is so that when we are having a bad day we can get some cheering up and some lovin!! It takes a lot to share your feelings, and it shows that you are very brave. But after all that you have been through I guess we knew that already.

Just to add to what has already been said. It is never too late. My mother was single from the time I was 3 until I was 25, everyone including herself had come to terms with the fact that, that was it for her. Then at age 57 she met her soul mate. And boy oh boy talk about finding love when you least expect it!

Lots o lovin from Me Me!!

Edited February 23, 2007 by meme

[kayo]

i'm single novrain! I like dogs too!

Kayo!

"bringing sunshine to rainy days!"

[November Rain]

i'm single novrain! I like dogs too!

Kayo!

"bringing sunshine to rainy days!"

Shame you're half way around the world then, kayo!! Thanks for cheering me up! And thanks so much for the support, meme

[britmaveric]

Chin-up and remember the good times. I'm quite positive your bf who passed on would want you to go out and be happy. I think in time if the right lad comes along you will be alright. It can never replace what you had, but it could be something genuine/true. Only way is to slowly get back into the dating scene.

[donna]

i went through a pretty rough christmas and was thinking along the same lines as you november rain. but i got myself out of it by going to counselling and pulling myself up again. i felt like i was in a big deep well and every time i tried climbing out, the dirt just came off in big chunks in my hands, not enabling me to get out.

but then i met the lovely counsellor and after only TWO sessions, i have got my act together, am feeling positive, and am looking forward to the rest of my life.

at 42 and single in thailand, things can get a little rough at times. but the TV community is a good one. i have met just a few of the people from the forum and can say that i enjoyed meeting each and every one of them. they have given me shoulders to cry on and someone to drink with when lonely.

i hear you loud and clear.

i think you have to learn to love yourself for who and what you are.

no matter what has happened to you in the past you have to love and forgive yourself.

maybe things could have been different 'if only' but 'if only' isnt here and now, so you have to make the most of what you have.

you know what i did the other week? i went out and bought a bike. a pushbike. i get out when i can and am loving it. the funny thing is that i may not be the fastest cyclist on phuket, but there are so many other cyclists out there who smile and wave at me when i ride by it makes me feel good. im sure that there are lots of great places you can ride in HH. its worth a try. you feel fabulous when you get out and pump those endorphins and when people smile at you, you cant help but smile back.

[LaoPo]

1. I don't actually want a relationship at the moment; too hung up on the memory of BF and not able (or willing, if I'm truthful) to put the time or energy into a new relationship.

2. But the idea that I will most likely never have a loving, romantic relationship with a man again is unbearably depressing.

Dear November Rain:

2 contradictions in your post.....something to think about.

My opinion as a male?

You're on the edge of a positive change, but it needs time to open the flower again...even in the November Rain, although it's only February...

As I remember well, it's not just the passing away of your beloved one; there was a lot more to it in your life, wasn't there...?

Why don't you give it a thought about stepping away for a short while and head for Phuket (maybe Donna...?) for a short holiday; I'm sure the people who are around you can and will take care for your son a little while (and the dogs)?

Have some sunshine on the beach, breath some new 'air' into your heart.

Who knows what happens?

Wish you well!

LaoPo

[BambinA]

Please, don't be sad...My lifestyle is the same as you .I do not go out that often.Let say 1 time per few months due to my work's shedule and my carrier.

I'm going to 34 yo soon.I've plenty platinum hair-coloured ..hahah..No BF.

When you feel blue,take look at your lil boy and dogs..They need you ..you are the treasure.

People feel down ,stress,boredom and suppression few times a month.It's common.It's the nature of human.

xoxo

[BambinA]

Furthermore,look at me ,I was the Miss Prom for 5 Universities (10+years ago),I had some contact from modellling agencies.I'm not that stupid.I'm a doctor.I think i'm good enough for guys. However, some guys can't accept my past ,sad but true.I may live alone and no lover stays beside me before i die

So, when you feel blue,look at me.

People have differrent experiences,do not compare yourself with others who have higher status...look at the people who are lower than you and you will realize that you are a lucky person.

Edited February 23, 2007 by BambinA

[stashe]

Your nature as evidenced by your posts is so gentle & your world is richer than most. I recently posted for the first time and you gave me a clear, concise and honest assessment which I am forever grateful. You are in the waning of a cycle and reaching out like this is the a step out of it. You are a lucky one - good things are going to happen - you are just gathering more appreciation for what is to come. I hope to meet you when we move to Hua Hin next year. Stashe

[November Rain]

Thanks again for everyone's replies & kind words. I'm feeling more positive in general today, you'll be pleased to hear. Bambina, you have my greatest respect - to be single with no ties & still to have such commitment to your job, nay, vocation; I really admire you.

[zaza]

NR ,

Thx for sharing your feelings in this post,but remember you are not alone in this problem. Am happy that I had joined this forum to meet true ppl like you and all the kind hearted replies from the nice members.

Good luck

[english_farang_lady]

Heartwarming to see so many positiive replies, to such an amazing lady. I can only add to them by saying that there are many ways of being fulfilled, apart from romantic love. I honestly believe the totally unconditional love given freely by animals to their care-givers can many times be superior to that from even a soul-mate.

You have survived some horrible and tragic circumstances, and you have provided love and TLC not only to your son, but also to some of the neediest creatures on the planet. For that you should be extremely proud of yourself. You truly have a heart made of gold, and I believe it would help you enormously if you realised what a fantastic job you are doing. Not just one in a million, you are totally unique in my experience, and having lived in at least 12 other countries in my lifetime (so far), that is quite something.

I can only imagine how devastating it must have been to have one of your favourite companion dogs die in your arms. But take strength from the fact that you did all you could and comforted him and ensured he did not end up starving, seriously injurred or dead in a gutter, rather in the arms of his beloved 'mum'.

It may help put your own romantic prospects into perspective if I tell you this. For 16 years I brought up my son alone, ran a huge guest house, without help or care from my then husband. I was simply too busy putting my son first and trying to make some money (to keep the scrooge of a husband happy) to even think about romantic love, or the fact that we were both being neglected. He worked away from home much of the time.

Soon the idea faded, I accidentally discovered my 'husband' had two other complete families on different continents and left with my son (then aged 12).

I devoted myself to his life, trying to right the wrong of him being abandonned by his father (something to this day I do not and cannot understand, I would have rather he had died), and constantly worrying about him (my son) not having stable and admirable male role models. I threw myself into PTA meetings, getting involved in organising his love of drama into drama lessons, extra maths and computer lessons, etc. I soon totally forgot I had no-one, apart from my son and two Irish golden retrievers and four cats to love me. The love of these creatures and those I re-homed, sustained me for many years.

We then relocated to Spain, and there, within two months, I had met the love of my life. At age 52 it was the last thing I thought I needed, wanting or expecting. I believe it is when one is least expecting it, that is when things seem to happen. Maybe something to do with 'Murphys Law'. But more likely universal law.

I cannot say I believe in God, with all the tragedies and horror in this world, and honestly believe that Religion has played a terrible part in world history. Causing wars and death worldwide for many centuries. But it also provides hope for those who have nothing else. But I can say that I believe in the Universe. Or perhaps I should say a Universal Power. Try asking for what you need at night, before sleeping. Do it every night for a month or more. Concentrate on projecting your needs to the universal power, and then forget it.

I do believe that the Universe will provide what you need, and that it never allows us to have more than we can cope with. This will tell you just how strong the universe knows you are.

Had to do a fast edit on this as I pressed the wrong button and it posted before I had finished. I hope the Universe will provide stuff does not sound too 'mumbo jumbo'ish', but do know that it works without a shadow of a doubt.

My son is now happily settled into a great college studying exactly what he loves most, and is extremely happy, well-adjusted and increasingly independent, having not missed the input of a role model father. I do believe that not having a bad father, is better than having one who is not good.

I wish I could say more to help NR, but what shines through in your postings is your compassion, intelligence, caring and helpful nature. You are a strong person whether or not you feel it right now, and when you are older (you are still young you know!) you will understand.

You may not remember, but you kindly offered to take any of our six dogs we could not rehome. With help from the Universe we rehomed all six to kind loving families.

I am only sorry that I will probably not get chance to meet you, and offer more support, since we are relocating soon to Malaysia. I truly know that things will work out for you, and will add my thoughts to the universe at night for you to speed things up !

I wont say good luck, because I know things will change and pick up for you, so you dont need it.

"Dont worry, be happy" seems trite but in bad times I hummed this song and soon was more or less happy. You will be in my thoughts and wishes.

Edited February 26, 2007 by english_farang_lady

[Bellatrix]

From all your posts I can tell you're a very strong person with a lot to offer, so hang in there and keep throwing your heart into everything you do, life is full of surprises.

[orchis]

I think you're completing the mourning process for your boyfriend who passed away and that you now start to open your eyes and look at the world again and you're a bit freightened, well, in order to look at things you'll have to put the fear aside, and then you will surely find a lot of possibilities. My little sister was also despairing but now has found someone very nice. I think so could you if thats what you would like.

[Austhaied]

Get a hold of Dire Straits, Money For Nothing CD and listen to "Why Worry".. Very up-lifting track.. It has inspired me in times of woe...Regards. AT.

[November Rain]

Get a hold of Dire Straits, Money For Nothing CD and listen to "Why Worry".. Very up-lifting track.. It has inspired me in times of woe...Regards. AT.

Got it already. You should know that I'd have a classic CD, like that!

Sorry, I want to answer some of these posts in depth, but another major problem is completely overshadowing this (I may have to close the dog center, due to lack of finances) & all my time & energy is focused on trying to sort that out, at the moment. Two members have also pm'd me & I will get back to them, but it might be a few days. Thanks everyone for your help & concern.

[Austhaied]

Get a hold of Dire Straits, Money For Nothing CD and listen to "Why Worry".. Very up-lifting track.. It has inspired me in times of woe...Regards. AT.

Got it already. You should know that I'd have a classic CD, like that!

Sorry, I want to answer some of these posts in depth, but another major problem is completely overshadowing this (I may have to close the dog center, due to lack of finances) & all my time & energy is focused on trying to sort that out, at the moment. Two members have also pm'd me & I will get back to them, but it might be a few days. Thanks everyone for your help & concern.

You're right, i should have known (and secretly did).. How could anyone with good taste not have it ?? I am sorry to hear of your financial woes, move to Chiangmai and you may get some sponcers.. We are all dog lovers here.. I would give my left **** to save dogs in distress.. Chin up and soldier on, you will come through it.. And remember Axl's words : but if you can heal the broken heart...wouldn't time be out to charm YOU.........