Is This It?

[GracelessFawn]

Hi November Rain. Girl I feel your pain. For years, PAIN was all I felt. I was covered in a dark thick shroud of pain, resentment and hate. I know what it is like to hit the rocky bottom.

There were times in the past when I thought I'd die from the pain. There were times when I wanted to die because being alive was way too painful. There were times when the darkness seemed so welcoming, comforting and very soothing that I'd sit in the dark for hours. I was in so much pain that I could hardly breath and I was simply alive because I was a coward to kill myself. The pain in my chest almost paralyzed me. And the sad thing is......... people who I love most - family, X(s) are the ones who are piercing the dagger in my heart. I was abused by people I love and I didn't have anyone to talk to. I used to think that I was the unluckiest person ever alive. I used to hate with a magnitude that scared me. I used not to give a ###### and to be indifferent. H eck, I tried to kill myself by drinking many times, until I realized that I didn't want to die after all.

At that point in time when I was experiencing such pain, I never know that I could move on and live a norml life again. I never knew I'd be able to trust people again, to open-up and be vulnerable, to rely on someone.

I used to trust. I trusted my family and other poeople I loved, but life is complicated and life is not fair. The very people I trusted and loved were the ones who wounded me, stabbed my back and crushed my heart to pieces. What pain!

6 years down the road................ I am still here and I am slowly starting to trust people and slowly building relationships. I ain't scared anymore.

The pain???? It's still there. Some wounds may heal, but the scars will always remain and some wounds never heal at all. I like to think that I have moved on and I really believe that I have. Trust takes time to build and there are some things that only TIME can heal.

--- GracelessFawn

[mamanoodle]

My BF died nearly a year ago & I've just started to think about the future vis a vis companionship and romance and I've realised I have no future in those terms!

I'm 37 years old & farang - 2 strikes against me already. I very rarely go out, due to my little boy & the dogs & if I do go out I often take littl'un with me. My work "colleagues" are dogs, a 19 year old Burmese lad and women. I do have friends, both in real life and on here (and another forum I'm very active in), but my real life friends I only see on the rare occasions I go out, not many people are brave enough to come to my house

I don't actually want a relationship at the moment; too hung up on the memory of BF and not able (or willing, if I'm truthful) to put the time or energy into a new relationship. Also, I have the added worry of littl'un - don't want him to get another father (figure) that's going to "leave". He already gets very attached to virtually every guy we mix with. But the idea that I will most likely never have a loving, romantic relationship with a man again is unbearably depressing.

So, how do I cope with this realisation, ladies? Any ideas on how to accept it & make the thought more bearable?

BTW, apologies if I sound self-indulgent & sorry for myself - that's just what I'm trying to change.

Self-indulgence, sorry for yourself etc all acceptable stages of greiving! Don't be too hard on yourself and try some positive thinking to banish all those negative thoughts. You have a lot of good things in your life, your little'un being the best and most important of all. No reason to rush into any more relationships, and never say never, but it's only natural your son misses a father figure, especially if he and his daddy were very close! Know it sounds corny but hang in there and time is a great healer and things will get better one way or another, plus you have a great support network here on TV whenever you need them, from all the responses I have seen anyway, best wishes and good luck to you and your son.

[Ijustwannateach]

NR, I think that you don't have a future in the exact same terms as the ones your former boyfriend provided- those would only be available from him. No one can replace another person, but that's what makes each relationship special.

I don't think the age is an issue at all- I'm in your same age bracket and there're plenty of Thai guys showing interest. Of course, I guess then there's the old cliche- all the good ones our age are either married or gay- but there must be a few widowers out there who've simply had misfortunes and are feeling similarly at a loss, or even single men who never married because they've really been looking for a special farang all this time. I think for you, though, you'll need to try to meet them (when you're ready) more through networking, and perhaps through your child; look for other single parents at schools and other functions.

I agree with previous posters that this is just part of your grief- you won't be ready for a relationship on realistic new terms until you have accepted that the old one is finished. Hang in there, don't give up, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

"Steven"

[TukTukDodger]

I am in a similar situation - I am an American woman, living in NYC, turning 40 in May(though everyone says I look at least 10 years younger) , never married, feeling like I am cursed... I was engaged to a younger Nepali guy who I was supposed to marry this summer in Kathmandu and he just broke the engagement, says he doesn't want to live in America but doesn't want to break up with me, just needs more time to decide... I am in shock and am still deciding how to deal with it... I am sitting on a r/t ticket from NYC to KTM (via BKK) and I can't get a refund... Part of me says he is just playing with me but he is saying he doesn't want money, he wishes I could just come to Nepal for a few months so we can really get to know each other but I can't leave my job for that long. Part of me wants to forgive him, take him at face value, don't think about the future and just go have a good time with him in my favorite city on earth(KTM) .... Before I met him I was considering moving to Asia, getting a TEFL or CELTA and teaching English, now I am reconsidering it - midlife crisis maybe but if he is telling the truth then I will be closer to him, will be able to see him a few times per year rather than once a year like now, if it is over with him then I will still be in a part of the world I love, doing what I love(teaching) - I have no children or even pets so am free ...but I have read how hard it is for farang women to have a good social life, especially if they are over a certain age, and I have fears that it is over for me, especially since I have a mild disability which makes me very shy when first meeting people and I do not drink so don't go to bars... *sigh*

Edited March 8, 2007 by TukTukDodger

[elfe]

i was very moved about the warm and supportive replies to this thread, just read it now.

i'm in a very similar situation as nr, one year older than you, ended relationship which was not always sunshine almost one year ago and still feel relieved, haven't been out for years only the odd dinner once in a while, almost no visitors due to the many dogs etc. can never leave for longer than a day and so on. thoughts of future relationships and how to find them rise sometimes. but then, why, i don't miss anything (yet?) and am very happy with my life and all my rescued animals. it can be more love and fulfillment than any relationship. i can only second what sheryl and some others wrote and just follow your heart and nature!

am very sorry to read that you have problems with your rescue center, anything i can do or help let me know. maybe we could help each other out or anything. i know how hard it is, i'm all alone here and everything depending on me, struggling for our life every day, but still wouldn't want to swop life with anyone! i wished i had friends like you close by, but then you can't have everything... maybe me (and other tv members...) could help you out, find solution.

sorry my english is not so good, so i cannot write as nicely and to the point of feeling as i wished, that's why i keep quiet mostly