'Trapped'

[Will E Vormer]

Wondered if any expats have a similar experience.

Marriage has sacrifices within reason, but hadnt expected marriage to a thai meant sacrificing the main reason to move here, ie the island dream is replaced by living with her family in some unpleasant built up area. Starts to wear you down. Its all about control.

This is what happened to me over the last 3 yrs. I'm now in my late 40s, I have a young baby, and a constant, losing battle with how the kid should be brought up. 

A few days ago had a massive row in front of her parents and told I was selfish for booking a birthday trip with one of the few friends I have here. The trip included her and baby. The next day, possibly foolishly, I moved back to my little used condo. No contact. Its hellishly lonely.. miss my kid and all this is dawning on me, honestly its like waking up to a nightmare.

Any advice would be welcome!

 

[Crossy]

Sorry, but I have to ask, why are you living with mum and dad if you have an empty condo?

 

Even a studio is doable with a small child.

[CanuckThai]

"a constant, losing battle with how the kid should be brought up".  

 

I'm still looking for an answer to this one.  Wow, having the wife's son (not mine) being treated like royalty, lazing around with a sense of entitlement that borders on perverse, is.....challenging at best.   SOS

[Will E Vormer]

54 minutes ago, Crossy said:

Sorry, but I have to ask, why are you living with mum and dad if you have an empty condo?

 

Even a studio is doable with a small child.

Very good point. My wife is very close to her mum, and so my daughter gets doted on. We ended up spending more and more time there until we were living there pretty permanently.. wife angrily vetoed moving to Chon Buri and having live in nanny after initially agreeing to it.

 

Tricky situation dealing  with a v conservative thai family. The weeks excitement is a trip to the local Sizzler.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Will E Vormer

[uhuh]

So it turns out Thailand is not an island dream. 

It is a developing country. 

The way of life of ordinary Thais is not very attractive.

 

Girls who will follow your island dream are usually in it for the money. 

Ordinary girls lead very ordinary lives here, I can understand that you don't like it. It may defeat the whole purpose of coming here.

 

I invested many years in a similar situation,  no improvement at all. 

In the end I gave up and broke up. 

 

[mauGR1]

Perhaps it's time for you to discuss a monthly payment to support the baby, and take a breath of fresh air.

I know, it's painful, but it could become worse if you stay and keep on arguing.

[BritManToo]

1 hour ago, Will E Vormer said:

The next day, possibly foolishly, I moved back to my little used condo. No contact. Its hellishly lonely.. miss my kid

Stand your ground, and live your life. Don't argue, don't discuss, avoid her family.

Don't give her or the kid any money, it's gotta be your way or the highway.

[sanemax]

12 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Stand your ground, and live your life. Don't argue, don't discuss, avoid her family.

Don't give her or the kid any money, it's gotta be your way or the highway.

As long as he's prepared to never see his Child again 

[Bang Bang]

OP:

See this post from way back when by arjunadawn:

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/824385-500000-dilemna/?p=9394863

 

I've kept in my bookmarks. It's a lesson worth remembering.

Good luck.

[The Man Who Sold the World]

Will:

 

Step back, take a deep breath. Answer this question truthfully and without emotion (yea, good luck on that one) but:

 

What is best for your child? That is the only thing that really matters. Do what is best for your child. PERIOD. 

 

 

 

[Will E Vormer]

Thank you all for your replies

 

I def shd stand my ground. The other issue is being mentally tired to the point its not easy to focus on work and generally getting stuff done. All ways for thai's to point fingers. Catch 22. So I need to step back and get on with stuff to avoid giving her more ammo. 

Doing what's best for the child is the most divisive problem in the marriage. We dont agree on investments, education and where to live.

 I want my kid to be breathing clean air.. not living in shitty bk. The education battle, after a year of disagreeing to have her educated in the UK from 11, I think the wife now accepts thats a good plan.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Will E Vormer

[Spidey]

The best plan would be to relocate with your wife and child back to the UK. Better education and healthcare for your daughter and sufficient distance from her family.

[BritManToo]

51 minutes ago, Will E Vormer said:

Doing what's best for the child is the most divisive problem in the marriage. We dont agree on investments, education and where to live.

If you pay, you get to say.

 

Although I think the UK is grossly overrated for education, you have to live near the right school, and even then the school will only work for children that want to learn. As bilingual children in Thailand, they become 'nothing special' in the UK, and can't really return as they won't be able to read and write Thai.

I also disagree with Spidey, the right government hospital in Thailand is as good and as free as any hospital in the UK.

 

I've had excellent service from both the government schools and the government hospitals in Thailand for my children. Not to mention less school problems with my 2 kids in Thailand, than with my 4 kids in the UK, there's a lot of bullying in schools in the UK.

Edited March 11, 2019 by BritManToo

[SOTIRIOS]

...she had 'a plan'.....(an agenda)....

 

...you didn't......

 

***

 

...it's always the case...whether we know it or not...or whether we admit it or not....

 

...honestly....practically a different species.....

 

 

[OmarZaid]

Marriage is business ... find a compromise that works for both, or cut your losses and leave ... which includes leaving the child.

Edited March 13, 2019 by OmarZaid
spelling

[whaleboneman]

On 3/11/2019 at 7:54 PM, BritManToo said:

Stand your ground, and live your life. Don't argue, don't discuss, avoid her family.

Don't give her or the kid any money, it's gotta be your way or the highway.

Great advice for single people but a good relationship requires compromise.

[BritManToo]

Just now, whaleboneman said:

Great advice for single people but a good relationship requires compromise.

Only if you're a weak white male.

[Spidey]

1 minute ago, whaleboneman said:

Great advice for single people but a good relationship requires compromise.

Others have said that it's a business, I prefer to see it as a partnership. Both parties need to be seen to contribute equal amounts to the partnership and that doesn't necessarily mean money, one might contribute the greater amount of money, the other the greater amount of time and effort, but it must balance. Decisions should be made jointly which, of course, often means compromise which also should be seen as equally shared.

 

Some say business, some say partnership, semantics really.

[helloagain]

I will be blunt. Ditch the bitch. Support your child as long as you can see your child. Go get the snip so no more kids. If you not allowed to see child move to a totally new area. Or sell flat. Move and start again. 

[Spidey]

1 minute ago, helloagain said:

I will be blunt. Ditch the bitch. Support your child as long as you can see your child. Go get the snip so no more kids. If you not allowed to see child move to a totally new area. Or sell flat. Move and start again. 

A bit blunt, as you say, but probably the best course of action for him. You can only bang your head against a brick wall so many times.

[Spidey]

12 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Only if you're a weak white male.

I see it as only if your a man, not a man child.

[john69]

If you marry a Thai lady, you marry the family.

 

If you expect the child to live in Thailand the rest of its life, let the mother do most of the "parenting".

 

I have a son (14 years old) and let the parenting mostly to my wife, only giving guidance where it pertains to common sense or moral/ethical matters. My son will spend the rest of his life in Thailand. My wife knows best what works for him. 

 

Get over your ego and go with the flow. Just focus on giving and your child will recognize it.

[freedomnow]

On 3/11/2019 at 5:08 PM, Crossy said:

Sorry, but I have to ask, why are you living with mum and dad if you have an empty condo?

 

Even a studio is doable with a small child.

Bye-bye long-term solid sleep in that scenario.

1-bed at least for a kid set-up...would drive me up the wall in a studio.

[sanemax]

36 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Only if you're a weak white male.

What about brown females ?

Would you consider them to be "weak", if they compromised in a relationship ? 

So, you have a strong white male and a strong brown woman and neither of them will make compromises to make their relationship work 

[BritManToo]

4 minutes ago, freedomnow said:

Bye-bye long-term solid sleep in that scenario.

1-bed at least for a kid set-up...would drive me up the wall in a studio.

Thai way - everyone sleeps in the same bed.

I found it strange at first, but I'm used to it now.

I refuse to have my mother-in-law (former) in my bed though.

[hansnl]

On 3/11/2019 at 7:09 PM, sanemax said:

As long as he's prepared to never see his Child again 

Whatever he will decide, the chance his child will be used as a bargaining chip is rather great.

It is not uncommon that the child plus mother "disappear" to get the farang in line with the family's wishes.

Or chuck money into the parent's purse.

Tread carefully!

You are the money supplier for the family!

Edited March 13, 2019 by hansnl

[sanemax]

5 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Thai way - everyone sleeps in the same bed.

I found it strange at first, but I'm used to it now.

I refuse to have my mother-in-law (former) in my bed though.

You sleep in the same bed as your step children, without the mother being there ?

[Spidey]

4 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I refuse to have my mother-in-law (former) in my bed though.

I refuse to have my mother-in-law in the same province as me. Every time I return to the UK, she's straight down but makes sure that she's gone before I get back.

 

It's another urban myth that you marry the family when you marry a Thai. Up to you.

 

My wife's 2 children from her previous marriage are good kids, her daughter is holidaying with us ATM. She's a pleasure to have around. Her brother and sister (both married) work in Rayong and often stay over night. We go out for a few beers and a meal and are fun to be with.

 

The mother-in-law and her paedophile husband are a different kettle of fish. I told my wife, early doors, that they get none of my money and they never darken my door. It was a difficult conversation, but what's right is right. My wife saw my POV and has always respected my wishes.

[madmen]

On 3/11/2019 at 9:43 PM, Spidey said:

The best plan would be to relocate with your wife and child back to the UK. Better education and healthcare for your daughter and sufficient distance from her family.

This! get back to first world for your kids future and force you wife from her family (harsh but effective). Tell her she can go back to Thailand twice a year to be with family. I have friends who make this work and are really blossoming as a family units

[justin case]

seems TV is full of egocentric narcissists that have no problem leaving their kid behind in a nest of selfish narcissists that don't really care about anything but MONEY

 

myself could live in peace with my kids with "the wife" but she is the toxic person that now is trying everything to get me out of the country by witholding original birth certificate of child so extension as parents is out of question and waiting for elite / immigration background check to see if I can send them 500.000 baht to stay here 5 years hopefully worry-less, wife less but at least with my KID which is my MAIN PRIORITY in life over any superficial "things"