Bank Letter

[Jamesyboi]

A 96-Year-Old's Letter to the Bank

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a

96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to

have it published in the New York Times.

"Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three

nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and

the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,

of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an

arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty

for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that

whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,

when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has

become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will

therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at

your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an

employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other

person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an

Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to

complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I

know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is

no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of

his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)

must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which

he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be

shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number

of button presses required of me to access my account balance on

your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me

level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the

buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to

nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my

computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a

later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be

put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering

service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client "

(Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman.)

[Pink Mist]

I dont think she was amused, 96, I find it difficult to believe, due to the jargon used.