When To Wai . . .

[Leonardo]

One of my most memorable experiences of committing a cultural faux pas involved the traditional Thai gesture of the Wai. Like many Westerners I only had a vague notion that the Wai indicated respect between individuals as well as an idea about status.

The incident that I should probably feel embarrassed about if I was truly enmeshed in Thai culture occurred as my wife and I were waiting for a flight from Bangkok back to Farangland.

We had been enjoying breakfast with my wife's sister in one of the airport restaurants after which we escorted my sister-in-law down to the Taxi ranks to wave goodbye to her. She had smiled heartily throughout our time together, and she had given us various gifts and also done us various favours. I had been trying to thank her in English a few times, but my sister-in-law did not speak English as well as my wife and whenever I tried to thank her she just smiled and did her best to look away or look at my wife to quickly focus attention on something else.

From my Western upbringing I was feeling uncomfortable about not being able to express my gratitude for all the help my sister-in-law had offered both my wife and I. It was something that I had on my mind as we were waiting for a Taxi – I felt I still needed to show some sort of gratitude just to avoid being remembered as rude.

It was with this background that I committed my faux pas. As my wife's sister had got inside the Taxi and had shut the door – I was waving to her at the kerb. I then changed my waving into a Wai. To show the extra gratitude I felt I even made my Wai last 1-2 seconds and I raised my clasped hands so my fingertips touched the edge of my nose. My sister-in-law reacted with an expression that looked like a combination of shock, embarrassment and disappointment. Her natural smile completely disappeared and she drove away not wanting to look in our direction or wave back at us.

This experience left the impression with me that Wai-ing was something radically different in meaning to any of our typical Western gestures. In a Thai context, using this gesture to show politeness and respect to someone you like as a person could, it seemed, cause that person discomfort or shame - which seems a very alien idea to most Western minds.

At its most basic, the Wai is a symbol of harmony, right and left in symmetrical peace, and the surrender of latent power to the gesture of respect. There are further meanings beyond this, however.

The pressed palms and spire-like fingers of the Wai resemble a temple, produced before the body as an act of homage. The height of this temple is determined by one's own social height or status in relation to others. Submission or condescension is implied by the exchange of one Wai with another. Inferiors are expected to Wai first, and superiors should respond if the social distance is not too great. Persons who feel their "inferiority" will display it by raising their fingertips to nosetip height.

My manner of Wai-ing must have perplexed my sister-in-law. She was probably embarrassed that I showed such humility and inferiority to her. My wife's sister does not have any Farang acquaintances and was not used to seeing foreigners committing cultural gaffes such as this. Her response was therefore more "honest" and direct about how Thais feel about the Wai, I feel.

The Wai is a special part of the Thai social instinct inculcated from childhood and despite outward signs of Westernization it still remains at a deep level of the Thai psyche. Blatantly misconstruing the uses of the Wai like I did can only cause discomfort to people.

Some Thais will see many Westerners commit such gaffes and instead of feeling embarrassment on their behalf they may laugh it off behind their backs. Some Westerners take this to heart and lament that other less knowledgeable Westerners keep Wai-ing. To these Westerners such prostration by fellow Farangs is something like a ploy that indigenous Thais use to ridicule Westerners in general.

When you discuss the issue of Wai-ing with Thais many will say that it is OK for Westerners to commit such faux pas – Thais know that such Westerners are just trying to be friendly. I believe this reply mainly comes from the Thai instinct to try and make people feel comfortable and avoid upset. My sister-in-law had no natural reflex in response to my unexpected Wai beyond a shocked expression. Other Thais express less outward shock as they have come to expect such gaffes by Westerners. However, this does not mean that they feel any more comfortable with such "poor" adaptation to their culture than my sister-in-law did.

It is to the credit of Thais and Thai culture that they allow the Westerner a way out of making such faux pas. Not Wai-ing at all (except of course to the "grandparents" of my wife's village - otherwise I will get kicked by my wife) is eminently acceptable, provided that you are otherwise friendly and well-mannered. Thais may not exactly be pleased by such a suspension of their method of mutual civility, but they are gracious enough to acknowledge the limits of their own culture.

Edited March 4, 2007 by Leonardo

[buriramboy]

Generally the only person who gets a Wai from me is the mother-in-law, or who gets one from me first anyway, wether correct or not i don't know but it always brings a big smile to her face and she always returns it. Everyone else just gets a sawadee khap.

BB

[Phil Conners]

If you're unsure, just don't. It creeps me every time I see tourists wai every Thai they come across, waiters, bell boys, bar girls, etc, almost as much as having to shake hand with any bar girl you come across. If you want to show your appreciation a nod and a smile works. Thai's don't expect farangs to wai and unless they are explicitly told would never wai you either.

[Jockstar]

I used to Wai the owner of my school. I also Wai the wifes folks, uncles and aunts. But not the local Somtam woman.

[The Dan Sai Kid]

My particular fave is the farang who wais other farang!

EDIT: What's wrong with wai-ing your sister-in-law? I wai mine all the time and they don't hate me!

Edited March 4, 2007 by The Dan Sai Kid

[meemiathai]

I am quite sure it was something else than the wai that was causing the sister in law's reaction.

Wai whenever or whoever you feel like it. There is no such thing as being too polite. Even if it is someone of lower status than yours, you are still allowed to show respect. Only farangs have problems with farangs waiing, not Thais, in my opinion.

[RAZZELL]

Very interesting and informative post from the OP...

I decided a long time ago, just not to "wai" to anyone...

Why do something you don't fully understand? Just a "sawadee khrap" and a big smile does the job...

RAZZ

[jayjayjayjay]

I wai when a Thai wai's first, a policeman who want's my money, gov officials when I need something and my in-laws...............

[jbowman1993]

Follow your wife...or if she's not there, follow your boss. Good a rule of thumb as any.

[Jockstar]

Follow your wife...or if she's not there, follow your boss

Same thing really for some.

[jbowman1993]

Amen

[sierra01]

It can be very confusing for farang, age, status etc. I wai the in laws and any older family members, then only wai if I'm wai'ed to first, seems to work.

[Leonardo]

EDIT: What's wrong with wai-ing your sister-in-law? I wai mine all the time and they don't hate me!

There is nothing wrong with waiing one's sister-in-law - it was just the way I did it that was wrong. My sister-in-law also doesn't hate me or resent me for having waied her like that. It is just that in that particular moment it caused her embarrassment and she did not know how to hide it as well as some other Thais. The good news is that farangs can choose not to wai in most situations - not waiing is not seen as rude or culturally insensitive; this story in fact shows that waiing the wrong way can be more culturally insensitive than not waiing . . .

[younghusband]

EDIT: What's wrong with wai-ing your sister-in-law? I wai mine all the time and they don't hate me!

There is nothing wrong with waiing one's sister-in-law - it was just the way I did it that was wrong. My sister-in-law also doesn't hate me or resent me for having waied her like that. It is just that in that particular moment it caused her embarrassment and she did not know how to hide it as well as some other Thais. The good news is that farangs can choose not to wai in most situations - not waiing is not seen as rude or culturally insensitive; this story in fact shows that waiing the wrong way can be more culturally insensitive than not waiing . . .

Your long OP does not provide any information which suggests you did anything wrong.As it happens I have been spending Sunday afternoon with three farang who have a combined time in Thailand of 60 years.Two of them speak,write and read fluent Thai, and one is married to very successful Thai lawyer.I shared your post with them and I'm afraid the consensus was your post was pretentious and inaccurate hogwash.One friend ventured that perhaps you are are a relatively recent arrival and are in that phase of over analysing the ins and outs of Thai culture.It is absolutely appropriate to wai your sister-in-law in the way you describe.

[peter991]

I give a polite wai to any Thai who wais me first.

If I don't get a wai I always give a nod and a smile.

Peter

[The Dan Sai Kid]

EDIT: What's wrong with wai-ing your sister-in-law? I wai mine all the time and they don't hate me!

There is nothing wrong with waiing one's sister-in-law - it was just the way I did it that was wrong. My sister-in-law also doesn't hate me or resent me for having waied her like that. It is just that in that particular moment it caused her embarrassment and she did not know how to hide it as well as some other Thais. The good news is that farangs can choose not to wai in most situations - not waiing is not seen as rude or culturally insensitive; this story in fact shows that waiing the wrong way can be more culturally insensitive than not waiing . . .

Maybe you are over-analysing the situation! I don't think there is anything wrong with that sort of wai either.

[Tarragona]

It doesn't sound like the wai should be a problem, even if she's a younger sister I don't see why she'd react like that.

You also said

whenever I tried to thank her she just smiled and did her best to look away or look at my wife to quickly focus attention on something else

which was before you'd made your wai.

She's just very shy perhaps? Uncomfortable to be directly addressed by a foreigner/ in English?

What did your wife think?

[Leonardo]

the consensus was your post was pretentious and inaccurate hogwash.One friend ventured that perhaps you are are a relatively recent arrival and are in that phase of over analysing the ins and outs of Thai culture.It is absolutely appropriate to wai your sister-in-law in the way you describe.

OK, always happy to receive feedback

I have been married to my Thai wife for 2 years and we live in the UK. I have not said that what I did was grossly offensive - I just observed that my sister-in-law reacted in a very shocked way - over and above the reaction of just a "shy" person. So I still feel what I did was wrong and inappropriate, but I am happy to know that others think differently.

[The Dan Sai Kid]

Maybe your old fella was hanging out of your zip and it had caught her eye!

[Ulysses G.]

I wai any Thai who wais me except for young children.

It is my way of being polite and, at the same time, undermining the class system.

[The Dan Sai Kid]

What a rebel!

[Ulysses G.]

Question authority, man!

[The Dan Sai Kid]

I think you are spending too much time near backpackers - your books can't be expensive enough!!

[Ulysses G.]

Che' rules dude.