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A highly unhelpful guide to the Round Three

 

Titus O'Reily

 

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Three. 

 

Thursday

Adelaide vs Geelong (AO) Seven & Fox 7:50pm

These Thursday night games are killing me. I don’t have time to sober up after the last round before having to write these. 

What are you talking about Titus? Anyone that reads your mad ramblings knows no sober person writes this nonsense; I hear you say.

Fair point, well it means I’m less able to do the deep statistical and tactical analysis I’ve become so well-known for. 

You really haven’t sobered up, have you? You say. Well, no.

The Crows are coming off a win against the Swans in Sydney, and this gives them a chance to beat a team that contains Patrick Dangerfield, who famously left Adelaide and called for it to be burnt to the ground. 

At least that’s my vague memory of what happened.

Geelong have started the season strongly, beating Collingwood and Melbourne. And boy did they beat Melbourne. It was like watching all my nightmares come to life, except like a patient with a bad anesthetist, I was awake the whole time.  

I’m tipping the Crows in what should be a great game.

 

Friday

Melbourne vs Essendon (MCG) Seven & Fox 7:50pm

Melbourne will run out through a banner featuring negative tweets aimed at their players this week to highlight online bullying.

It’s a worthy cause which is why I’ll refrain from making jokes like ‘biggest banner ever’ or ‘first banner to be seen from space.’ That would be wrong.

Still, fingers crossed your tweets get on as what an honour.

Both these teams face the prospect of starting the season 0-3 after being talked up all preseason.  

It why I tell anyone that will listen, ‘this is the bad place.’

I knew things were bad at Essendon, but not ‘let’s get James Hird back’ bad. Not since people said ‘let’s bring back Michael Clarke’ after the sandpaper incident has there been such an overreaction.  

In fairness, only Michael Clarke said ‘let’s bring back Michael Clarke’ but Hird this week didn’t rule out a return. 

To be honest, it’s like me not ruling out doing Feb Fast. It’s never going to happen anyway.

A loss here will see that team spiral downwards into a pit of despair that both teams’ supporters will feel right at home in.

I’m tipping Melbourne, but that’s only because I cannot even begin to process the fallout if the reverse happens. 

 

Saturday

Carlton vs Sydney (MS) Fox 1:45pm

The Swans most famous fan, Kenny Williams, celebrated turning 90 years old this week.

Given the way Sydney have started the year, they may want to consider playing him, to give them some better run off half back.

Carlton are not travelling much better but the difference there is we all expected it. 

What this does offer is a chance to see Liam Jones and Lance Franklin resume the greatest one-on-one battle since Jakovich v Carey.

That battle alone is worth the price of admission, oh hang on; it’s at Marvel, so no it’s not.

The Blues have actually been not bad this year, but Sydney probably have too many stars to lose here.

 

Greater Western Sydney vs Richmond (GS) Fox 4:35pm

Shane Mumford should return in this one, making his comeback from retirement and suspension. It’s the feel-good comeback story of the season.

The Giants need the help after a rather lacklustre effort in Perth last week. When they smashed the Bombers in round one, we all thought they might be amazing but know we know St Kilda can beat Essendon.

Greater Western Sydney need to keep winning as it’s been revealed their financial situation is dire with the AFL giving them two totalling $2.5 million in a year on top of a $23m grant 

The Giants aren’t Robinson Crusoe here, more than half the clubs in the AFL receive extra funding on top of the money that flows from TV rights. But the two most recent expansion teams receive the most.

That doesn’t bother me too much, I think the game has to grow, but it does make a mockery of the idea that a Tasmania team ‘has to be economically viable’ to even get a look in.  

Richmond’s injuries this season make me wonder if they hired Collingwood’s medical team in the off season.

It means a lot is now riding on Tom Lynch up forward over the next month or so. No pressure Tom. 

 

Brisbane vs Port Adelaide (G) Fox 7:25pm

With Dangerfield returning to Adelaide this week, Tom Rockliff is also returning to his former club.

Tom didn’t leave under great conditions and it’s taken a while for him to settle in at Port but this season he’s been a big reason the Power are undefeated. Him and the fact they’ve played Melbourne and Carlton. 

This is his first time back at the Gabba, and it’s always awkward returning to a place you were forced out of. It’s why I always feel apprehensive returning to almost every pub I’ve ever previously been to. 

Brisbane haven’t got through Round Three undefeated since 2010 and this is not an impossible task for them.

Not only are the Lions playing well, they’re exciting to watch, something we haven’t been able to say, well since Tinder became the way people met, instead of getting drunk at a party and making bad life choices.

Tinder: Helping you digitise your bad decisions.

I’m tipping the Lions. 

 

Collingwood vs West Coast (MCG) Seven & Fox 7:25pm

I cannot wait for this game, especially after Mason Cox successfully appealed his charge of ‘loitering with intent’.

The Cox decision only highlights that the whole AFL judiciary is just as confused as us fans are.

If there’s one thing we need to fix this mess, it’s more rules and all with lots of gray areas for interpretation by numerous individuals. Luckily, the AFL keep tweaking them constantly like a person with OCD who can’t leave things alone.

No wonder the umpires have such a tough time. Us fans can’t understand the interpretations of the Match Review Panel, and that’s after we’ve seen each incident in slow motion from twenty angles, one hundred times. 

Imagine having to make these interpretations in real time. It gives me a fair bit of sympathy for our umpires. Except for Razor Ray because he thinks he’s some sort of pantomime villain we are all go to see and does not deserve our sympathy.

We have to face up to something, a win here and the Pies chances of a premiership increase dramatically. 

You have to start thinking about purchasing a property in the country and off the grid if the Pies get up in this. They’re every chance too. They’re a really good side, as much as it pains me to admit it, and it does pain me, like squeezing lemon juice into a gaping wound.

West Coast showed last week they are still in premiership form. It’s a real miracle they are so good given Champion Data rated their list outside the eight. I just hope premiership glory goes some way to make up the disappointment of not being ranked highly by Champion Data.

I’m tipping the Eagles but this could be very close.

 

Sunday

Western Bulldogs vs Gold Coast (MS) Fox 2:20pm

In sad news, Liam Picken retired this week due to ongoing concussion issues, showing that the ‘footy has gone soft’ brigade don’t quite understand the toll the game can take.

Picken can at least retire knowing he participated in the greatest win of the Bulldogs in living memory.

Last time these two met it was in Ballarat and people got very concerned because in Ballarat they have something called ‘weather’ and the players had to play in it. 

Luckily this is at Marvel Stadium which doesn’t have an atmosphere let alone weather.

Who would have thought the Bulldogs would start the season 2-0 and that the Suns would already have a win on the board?

The Suns have certainly been a lot better than expect and now we see if that can be sustained or if the attrition of the season starts to get to the young group.

A win here would certainly shut up the knockers out there, like me.

The Bulldogs seem to be happy for the first time since 2016. They even showed some enthusiasm for playing footy last week which was nice to see. 

I’m tipping the Bulldogs.

 

Hawthorn vs North Melbourne (MCG) Seven & Fox3:20pm

North’s capitulation last week to the Lions will have Roos fans hoping the draft is strong this year.

Now they come up against the Hawks who also fell over against the Bulldogs in a very un-Hawthorn like performance. 

Brad Scott said the new 6-6-6 rule has had a big impact on his team, with them giving up 43 points from centre bounces against the Lions.

If only Brad knew that rule was coming in, he could have done some coaching stuff to manage it. 

Hawthorn did get a couple of injuries during last week’s game which didn’t help and being back on the MCG should certainly help them. 

Perhaps the most worrying thing about the Hawks last week was the poor form of some of their top servants, the umpires. They made some real clangers last week, actually awarding free kicks against their teammates.

I expect Clarko gave them a real dressing down this week and reiterated the role he expects them to play.

Hawks to win.

 

Fremantle vs St Kilda (OS) Fox 5:20pm

Normally I’d say winning in Perth is a big ask for the Saints, but Freo lost to the Suns last week.

Add to that the fact the Saints are undefeated and this is a tough one to call. I talked to a few Saints fans after one of my Comedy Festival shows this week and they actually seemed happy. 

That surprised me, as it’s not the usual reaction I get from someone who has sat through one of my performances and the fact it was round two and they felt optimistic about the season.

A win here and Alan Richardson could consider taking his personal items back out of the cardboard box he’s been keeping them in.

The Dockers will be keen to atone for what was a shambolic performance against the Suns. They’re scoring woes returned but more worrying was the fact the Suns midfield handled them with surprising ease.

It puts increasing pressure on Ross Lyon. Lucky his contract has another few decades to run on it.

The Dockers are a different beast at home though and while I think the Saints are a chance I’m tipping Fremantle.

 

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19 hours ago, AlexRRR said:

 

Thanks there Radar...im on top of it now....it was my Thailand made doogie fridge that threw me out last week otherwise i would have had 6 and be sitting abover old WILL..... Westing house called me today they are giving me a brand spanking new fridge and taking the 18 month old one back and away...guess they will send it back to the factory in Chon Bury....

 

I did go out and buy monday night after work a new bar fridge...only needed it 3 nights...well once the new one turns up it will be used to keep the lemondate very cold and the odd corona...was a rather difficult choice.....white black or cheap stainless steel color....i opeted for the SS as it will end up outside with the BBQ when i get around to building it...

 

Dayight saving.....bastards extended it by a month or 2...goes on for ever now...just hate it...glad its almost over...5 god dam long months of it...fancy playing footy when daylight saving is on....

 

Anny one for tipping the Dee's this week? anyone game?

 

Swans away to the Blues wont be an easy one to pick either...

 

Or Port away to the Lions...

 

Or Pies at home to the Eagles...etc etc...

Saints a very good chance over the Dockers even in freo

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The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Three
 
Titus O'Reily
 

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Adelaide (75) v Geelong (99)

The relentless competency of the Geelong Football Club is starting to become tiring. 

Many of us would fondly remember the time when Geelong were a basket case, whose mission statement was to break the hearts of their fans in the most brutal fashion possible.

Now they’ve started the season 3-0 and seem like the only team that can stop the dominance of the Queensland teams.

While the Crows made a bit of a comeback in the second half, this one was all Geelong, who controlled the game from the start.

In worse news for the Crows, Paul Seedsman was stretchered off with what was suspected to be an ACL, although scans suggest he seems to have avoided that fate. 

Interestingly, many of the Geelong players went up to wish him well as he was carted off, like the Erin Phillips moment in the AFLW Grand Final. Basically, if you don’t acknowledge an opponent being taken off the ground you are now the worst person in the world. 

It’s a big change to the game. What’s next, thanking a water carrier for giving you water?

Are Adelaide finished for the year? If talkback radio in South Australia is anything to go by, they’re finished forever.

Melbourne (112) v Essendon (130)

A lot of people said to me that Melbourne were a sure thing in this game, but I’ve learnt the Demons can ruin my life in ways previously thought impossible.

This wasn’t even that innovative for them, although starting the season 0-3 after making a Prelim is certainly a new approach to making me wish I’d never been born.

Melbourne ran out through a banner filled with abusive tweets and going by the reaction online to this performance, they have enough to now cover every banner until the end of time.

All credit to Essendon, after looking like a team who hadn’t trained for years in the first two rounds, they were full of energy and responded to Melbourne’s strong second quarter by booting eight unanswered goals in 21 minutes. 

That’s quite a worrying amount of goals to give up in such a short period of time and can only really be achieved by an entire team switching off. I’d say it was time for some soul searching at Demonland, but this club has done more soul searching over the past decade than every new age retreat combined. 

Melbourne’s problem was their inability to stick to any sort of structure. 

I watched the vegan protest that shut down Melbourne’s CBD this morning and must admit, I was jealous of their ability to hold their structure under pressure. Perhaps those vegans would like a harder challenge than ending meat eating, and help the Dees’ learn some discipline.  

Nothing gets easier for either team next week, with Melbourne travelling to Sydney for their fourth loss and Essendon taking on Premiership favourites Brisbane at the MCG.

Carlton (74) v Sydney (93)

Carlton would do well to change their name to the ‘Honourable Losses’. 

It’s a continuing source of frustration for Blues fans but at least it’s a change from their ‘Not even an AFL team’ era. 

With the Blues not making it to triple digits in 58 games, the honourable losses don’t seem to be going away anytime soon.

Patrick Cripps carried the Blues at times, and his opponents, while Liam Jones, kept Franklin quiet proving once again he is the greatest defender currently alive.

While it pains me to say it, Carlton are on the right track. The current administration’s discipline in trying not to land a ‘messiah’ to fix everything overnight is commendable. That’s probably as hard a mind shift as Keith Richards going clean.

Sydney will be thrilled to get their season started, and not waiting six games to do it. 

The Swans biggest concern is perhaps the SCG, whose surface looks like it was designed to injure people. Who would have thought that playing four codes on the one ground incessantly would damage it? 

I’m sure the AFL has a contingency plan to deal with this. It will involve inspecting the ground when it’s too late to do anything about it and then surprisingly describe it as ‘safe’.

Greater Western Sydney (125) v Richmond (76)

Richmond may be not as good without Jack Riewoldt and Alex Rance. And people say this column lacks insight.

It certainly didn’t help that Dustin Martin was a bit distracted by the close attention of the Giants players, seeming to throw an elbow at one point and reminding Shane Mumford of his previous enjoyment of cocaine. 

If every player out on the field reminded every other player of the time they’d done cocaine, no football would ever get played.

Miming on the field has long been a problem in the AFL. There was Sam Mitchell miming a needle to the Essendon players, Adam Goodes throwing an imaginary spear, which somehow upset adult humans and Hawthorn’s Mark Williams pretending to fire a rifle.

I’ve long said any form of mime should be illegal and subject to the highest penalties possible under the law. This goes for off the footy field too. 

The AFL itself needs to take a harder stance. Mime is a gateway drug to both interpretive dance and street theatre. Both far dangerous than cocaine to young minds.

The Giants had stars everywhere, with Jeremey Cameron booting seven goals and Jeremy Finlayson kicking five.

Most impressive was Lachie Whitfield, who was once most famous for going missing. He’s certainly not hard to find anymore, just look for the ball and he’ll be there. His 41 disposals meant the Giants had the run of it in the midfield.

Brisbane (107) v Port Adelaide (90)

You can see why Fremantle weren’t that interested in retaining the services of Lachie Neale. He has only been one of the best players of the season, if not the best.

The young Lions now have serious claims to be legit. They are also exciting to watch and their rebuild now seems to be ahead of both Carlton’s and Melbourne’s. Which isn’t that hard actually. 

This game easy, with Port seeming to have the upper hand in the last quarter, only for the Eric Hipwood and Charlie Cameron to come through when it counted.

Ken Hinkley said after the game ‘someone has to win; someone has to lose’. 

Power supporters would agree with this but wonder why it has to be them that does the losing bit so often in these games.

They certainly weren’t helped when Tom Rockliff went off after a collision and sat on the bench for the last quarter. 

The Gabba crowd even applauded him off, in a display of good sportsmanship from a crowd that I’d thought we’d forgotten how to do.

Collingwood (76) v West Coast (98)

The Eagles being a Premiership team was not some fluke or fever dream, they’re actually really good. 

I guess the irritation of getting no credit for being the best team in the competition can be offset by winning a lot.

Dom Sheed and Liam Ryan again haunted the Magpies, while Andrew Gaff returned with 35 disposals.

It was inspiring to see him make a comeback and with such a great performance. Oh, hang on, he wasn’t the victim, was he? I got confused the way some people were talking about it.

The problem for the Pies is they just can’t stay with the Eagles for an entire game and on the MCG that’s a problem. 

When it counts, the Pies just couldn’t find a winner. De Goey started strong but was well held, and when it came to the big moments, it was all the Eagles.

Western Bulldogs (68) v Gold Coast (73) 

If Steven May is to be believed, the training standards are so low at the Suns that he was shocked to discover how high they are at Melbourne. 

Imagine my surprise then, when I read the ladder this morning and saw the Suns are 2-1 and the Demons are a miserable 0-3. 

Is it possible it was just Steven May who was really unfit? 

It certainly seems that way after watching a very cohesive Suns side win away from home against a fast finishing Bulldogs side.

The Suns look well drilled and with a discipline they have previously lacked. Is not having a bunch of stars who do their own thing a benefit? Is teamwork the most important thing in footy rather than individuals? This is mind bending stuff.

It’s almost like this is a team sport.

The Bulldogs played well, but only for three quarters. Their first quarter, in which they gave up 40 points, was shambolic to say the least and ultimately cost them.

If this game went another few minutes and the Doggies would have probably won. 

Don’t leave things to the last minute kids.

Hawthorn (87) v North Melbourne (71) 

Hawthorn are the first side in VFL/AFL history to kick the same score in their first three games. It’s a stat that means, well, absolutely nothing.

Typical Hawthorn though, achieving even pointless things.

Watching this game on TV, I heard something I’d never heard before, Tom Scully is really good at running all day. The commentators really made sure I remembered this fascinating new insight by mentioning about every four minutes.

It’s the new ‘Scott Pendlebury has a basketball background’. 

North appeared to have the Hawks measure early on, but with an inevitability that was monotonous, Hawrthorn started to slowly peg them back and every North supporter at the ground just new they’d get overrun. 

Chad Wingard, in his Hawthorn debut, stepped up when it really mattered, which he needed to do as he’d corked Jarryd Roughead’s thigh in training during the week causing the former captain to miss this game.

The Kangaroos are now 0-3 and perhaps worst of all they’re just sort of nothing. They can play well enough for parts of the game, but they are like a boxer who lacks a knockout punch.

Fremantle (71) v St Kilda (66)

A surprisingly engaging game with more drama than you’d expect from the Sunday twilight slot.

A sickening head clash between Nat Fyfe and St Kilda’s Josh Battle saw Fyfe knocked out and out for much of the second half.

His absence certainly didn’t help, but St Kilda were already showing that their good start to the season wasn’t a fluke before he went off.

While a lot of the Saints’ game has improved this season, one thing hasn’t, goal kicking. 

If they’d kicked straight, this was there for the taking. 

The Dockers face the Eagles next week, and they’ll want to consider occasionally scoring, if they have any chance to win that.

And in a final note, a comment on the umpiring this round. It was more shambolic than Brendon Fevola at the Brownlow.  

It’s almost like changing heaps of the rules and making a lot of them highly technical, for no real reason, is making the game over umpired. If I wanted games ruined by the umpires, I’d watch Rugby Union.

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5 hours ago, ripstanley said:

Wendysboys has not put tips in for the last 2 rounds. Wendyboys margin has been the difference in the scores which means 0 margin and has had all the away games.

Thats a woman for you....cant stand to loose...

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Your not the only one with problems Alex.

You can have Tyson back.

McKay down back for us started our downfall when he came on.

A run up forward might have helped Brown out but no,that would be thinking outside the box.

I can see it now the forward coach telling the back coach,no he's yours for 50 games then we might look at him.????

Only shining light is were percentage above the Dees.???? 

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