If You Marry A Thai Woman

[terrythesparky]

I have been married to my thai wife for 5 years, we have a home in the uk. some people have been very nasty to her, but on the whole people are find. My work means that we work overseas a lot and we have found that europeans are the ones who look down on thai women the most. In belgrade one man actually try to buy my wife from me. which I got more angry about than she did, she just laught at him and told he did not have anouth money to buy her.

[Globeliner]

I have been married to my thai wife for 5 years, we have a home in the uk. some people have been very nasty to her, but on the whole people are find. My work means that we work overseas a lot and we have found that europeans are the ones who look down on thai women the most. In belgrade one man actually try to buy my wife from me. which I got more angry about than she did, she just laught at him and told he did not have anouth money to buy her.

Jesus, did you smack him in the head?

[WaiWai]

Intercultural Marriage - Promises And Pitfalls, A New Book about Mixed Marriages

15 Sep 2004

"LOOK, JEAN-PAUL, I DON’T WANT TO GO TO YOUR FAMILY FOR LUNCH AGAIN THIS SUNDAY … ”

Jill Penton-Browne has been reading a new book about mixed marriages

Mixed marriages are a delicate subject. When I wrote about them here some time back I got an irate letter from a Franco-Algerian couple accusing me of “racism”, even of being a partisan of Le Pen, because I had said that marriages between European women and Moslem men — what the French call “mariages couscous-frites” — sometimes ran into trouble. As I explained in my answer, printed in our letters column, it’s a commonplace of family sociology that any couple whose members are of different cultural backgrounds are more likely to be at risk than those where husband and wife have similar histories. This is one explanation for the mounting divorce figures in so many countries. Increased travel, migration and work-led expatriation have resulted in many more conjugal relationships between partners of different nationalities than existed even fifty years ago, and they don’t always work out.

“A sure path to self-knowledge and growth”

Dugan Romano, formerly of the Rome Daily American, once part of what she calls an “intercultural marriage”, and now resident in Washington, D.C. and counselling others through that experience, has produced a useful discussion of this topic, Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls (Nicholas Brealey, U.K.), drawing on detailed interviews with several dozen couples whose origins ranged from French and Kuwaiti through American and Austrian to Cuban and Iranian. It’s a rather solemn book written in that formal didactic style found in older U.S. high school social studies texts but it contains a lot of common sense and anyone in a mixed marriage, even — like me — a veteran of that state, may find something to think about. Along with the problems, Romano looks at the upside of marrying outside of one’s own culture and concludes (and many would agree) that, whatever the ultimate outcome, the experience is “a sure path to self-knowledge and growth”.

There are two basic stages in such a relationship, Romano argues. At the beginning “love” is the dominant factor and physical attraction and sexual reward tend to obscure any underlying difficulties. Later, as the marriage begins to settle down, problems may begin to emerge. The major variable here — that social studies tone is infectious, sorry — is location. The couple may live in the home country of one or other of the spouses or in a third country. This latter, we learn, is regarded by many couples as the ideal situation. It is less easy for either partner to try to impose his or her cultural norms on the other and both have to accommodate to a third way of living. The most problematic situation seems to occur when a woman goes to live in her husband’s country. Even in Western societies she may find life not always easy; in more traditional countries she may have a very hard time indeed, as was the case in Romano’s sample of American Rashida in Kenya and of French Yvette in Kuwait. However, as she points out, even seemingly closely related cultural origins don’t guarantee immediate success. She cites problems between Swedes and Danes and Americans and British and we all know women from other parts of Western Europe who’ve not found things easy in France.

What are the major sources of conflict? In all cases, independent of nationality, Romano found that “no other cultural difference was cited so often by couples as food” (what’s eaten, when and with whom). As the title of this review suggests, that remarkably stubborn institution the French family Sunday lunch is a good illustration of this. Other fraught issues are sex, money, bringing up children and how far a woman, especially, should have friends beyond the couple’s own social network. An American girl here had a terrible time with her French husband over her “good buddy” relationship with a male colleague though it was entirely innocent.

“It takes more effort”

As Romano points out several times, problems in intercultural marriages may in fact have causes related to individual personality rather than national origin. Arrived in Kuwait, Yvette discovered that her husband was “in some ways a boor even in his own language”. Romano’s comments on some couples could apply to any marriage but, as she rightly insists, with partners of different cultural background it takes more effort to get things right. There’s need for communication, sensitivity, flexibility, awareness of common goals in the marriage — and a sense of humour. All these factors have to operate within the interplay of specific cultures. The French, we should never forget, usually cannot bear to be mocked by outsiders, either as individuals or as a nation. Romano ends her study on a sombre note: marriages, good, bad and indifferent, come to an end through death, divorce or desertion. That’s something an expatriate spouse, in particular, should be prepared for. "

http://www.rivrep.com/articles/content/view/26/66/

Where will everyone be having lunch tomorrow ?

[terrythesparky]

I have been married to my thai wife for 5 years, we have a home in the uk. some people have been very nasty to her, but on the whole people are find. My work means that we work overseas a lot and we have found that europeans are the ones who look down on thai women the most. In belgrade one man actually try to buy my wife from me. which I got more angry about than she did, she just laught at him and told he did not have anouth money to buy her.

Jesus, did you smack him in the head?

I wanted too but my wife got more angry with me than with him, she said I should feel pleased that he thought her that sexy that he wanted to buy her. I find the way thai women think very strange sometimes.

[lannarebirth]

don't bring her back to your home country

she'll then be relegated to having locals think of her as a "mail order bride" and being isolated from society, unless she meets other thais.

that's what i've experienced growing up as a luk kreung in the US

i might write a book on this subject one day

My wife is Thai and we've been married for more years than I can remember. We are living in the USA but we own a house in Thanland and make frequent trips there. SHe's never been treated like a "mail order bride", has always been well liked both in Thailand and the US.

This thread is confusing. First it starts out with "mail order brides" then switches to "luk kreungs". So which is it?

How does she feel in American society? Does she have any regular social contact with people in the US other than you/the immediate family? Does she lament and prefers truly Thailand?

Like I said, there are a TON of social issues here. As someone who's grown up in this situation and feel that I can contribute to the global knowledge pool by doing so, I plan to write a book on this subject someday.

Issues with your mother and growing up as a luk kreung seem to be at the heart of al your posts. You've never come out and said wht information it is you'd like to convey to this board and you have failed to word any post in a way where you are likely to get insightful help from these very knowledgable people. The people here are well familiar with the life of Thai women overseas and what it's like to raise or be a luk kreung child. You admit in prior posts that you make up a good deal of the "facts" contained in your posts, so my question to you is WHAT DO YOU WANT? If you can articulate that, you will likely find useful responses.

[qualtrough]

Like others have said, there are a lot of variables in play here, and experiences can differ. I have had two Thai wives. Wife one, Chinese-Thai. We moved to the US and lived there together five years. Still on a friendly basis when we see each other from time to time when I am back home, and she is still friends with my sisters. We never experienced any kind of discriminatory behavior, nada, zip, zilch. I have visited the US with Thai-Thai wife number two 4 or 5 times, same thing. If anything I found that people went out of their way to be nice or helpful in many instances. That's my experience, YMMV.

[dominique355]

In my case, we don't live in the west, but often go there to visit my family. My family treats my wife lovely, my friends do as well, i do make sure that i do involve my wife in all aspects of life there. My wife rarely socializes with fellow Thais in the west since she has made some very bad experiences with some of them during our first long term stay there a decade or so ago, such as Thais she met in the supermarket trying to persuade her to become a prostitute behind my back, and others trying to set her up with a new boyfriend, which has resulted in that mentally instable person stalking my wife even up to the point of following us to Thailand, and then making a suicide attempt when my wife screamed at him in public to leave us alone. Very ugly.

Anyhow, i know of cases you describe here, but i also know of cases where Thai women have adapted very well to life in the west.

When we got married some 10 years ago, we moved to Switzerland. First, my wife was actively seeking the company of other Thais, but soon got so disappointed that she decided to avoid them all together, except for 2 or 3, who became good friends. Some tried (and actually succeeded) to cheat her into lending them some money (for paying back gambling debts, we found out later, just to disappear after), some came from the bar scene ...

Swiss people were mostly friendly to her, none of my friends or relatives had any reservations, but of course, there is a fair amount of xenophoby in Switzerland, and she felt it. Mostly when shopping or in other places where people can remain anonymous.

Now, we have moved back to Thailand and live here now. I can't tell you how happy my wife is.

[zaza]

I have been married to my thai wife for 5 years, we have a home in the uk. some people have been very nasty to her, but on the whole people are find. My work means that we work overseas a lot and we have found that europeans are the ones who look down on thai women the most. In belgrade one man actually try to buy my wife from me. which I got more angry about than she did, she just laught at him and told he did not have anouth money to buy her.

Are you Brit?

[mogoso]

We've been married and living in the US for close to six years. My wife has a few Thai friends, some of whom were my friends from long before we met. We've encountered no racial discrimination, or social discrimination due to her Thainess, but the again we live in the southern US where contrary to stereotyping, the people I know are certainly more accepting than other parts of the US.

I do get a real kick from the looks we recieve by older white women who obviously disapprove of our age difference, I think it makes them concerned it'll give their husbands an idea. But then I've a customer who calls me his hero for being able to keep such a beautiful women happy, despite the 25 year age difference.

My wife because of my Thai friends had a relatively seamless transition into american life. She had immeadiate employment offer, and socially we had my friends and later through our local Wat she made friends of her own. She has a multicultral/racial cadre of friends now. I think her transsition was easier due to her intelligence, and the general enviorment. Many groceries stores that are Thai or that Thai products that can be obtained at. A Wat where our abbot and the monks are outstanding, and ready in place Thai support system. It doesn't hurt to have a satellite system that brings Thai tv to her, as Thai ladies enjoy their "stories"

That she misses her family is a given, but that'll change in the near future.

[Boon Mee]

I do get a real kick from the looks we recieve by older white women who obviously disapprove of our age difference,

Heh...me too and my missus is like only 10 years younger...

[jetjock]

I do get a real kick from the looks we recieve by older white women who obviously disapprove of our age difference,

Heh...me too and my missus is like only 10 years younger...

You may get kicks from the looks you receive you recieve from older white women-but don't you just love it watching all the guys drooling with envy !

[ColPyat]

Please so not get me wrong as I would agree that just because someone comes from a poor educational or social backround or country with a poor reputation does not mean that they are not wonderful people, but the reality of the situation is that many people will discriminate on the basis of those facts when brought back to your own country. In my humble opinion, if you marry someone from a different country and really care about their happiness and well being, I think it is important to give serious thought to these type of factors before taking them to live in a country that they may or may not be able to successfully integrate into the new society. Unfortunately not everyone is able to adjust and find lasting happiness in a new and different country.

Very true.

It definitely takes a lot more effort, naturally, with somebody from a lower educational and a more culturally isolated background. Nothing is impossible, but it there is a lot more careful planning involved. And i do very much agree that everybody in such a situation should spend some serious thinking time on that matter.

My wife is exactly from such a culturally isolated and low education background, but we managed to overcome the issues involved, which was initially not easy at all. Many trips to neighboring countries before our first long stay in Europe made the culture shock a lot easier for her, and my family in Europe helped a lot as well.

I don't see my wife as some sort of trophy so i can show off to the population there that i can afford to keep a third world wife. And my wife does also not behave the part either. Neither do i carry a chip on my shoulder regarding western women, so common here on these testosterone dominated internet forums.

Maybe that is why when in Europe we rarely ever met any of those negative attitudes regarding 'mail order bride' etc.

Honestly, here in Thailand we have far more problems with Thais who carry that negative chip on their shoulder, and when especially when we both were still very young there were a few situations when i had to be rather rude to some people who made not so nice comments in the assumption that i don't speak Thai.

A big problem both here in Thailand, and with Thais in the west are the Thai specific class conflicts, which can lead to often very sublime though still very hurtful forms of discrimination.

Still, i often get rather annoyed when i get asked by people about my Thai wife here, especially by some Taxi drivers from Isaarn villages of a high rate of professional 'Mia Farang' and their constantly drunk farang husbands, and i get these very aggravating personal personal piss take questions. Usually i do cut that short by telling them how much that annoys me, explain why, and in a way that they do know that another wrong question or comment will lead to serious trouble.

[solent01]

I have been married to my thai wife for 5 years, we have a home in the uk. some people have been very nasty to her, but on the whole people are find. My work means that we work overseas a lot and we have found that europeans are the ones who look down on thai women the most. In belgrade one man actually try to buy my wife from me. which I got more angry about than she did, she just laught at him and told he did not have anouth money to buy her.

Jesus, did you smack him in the head?

I wanted too but my wife got more angry with me than with him, she said I should feel pleased that he thought her that sexy that he wanted to buy her. I find the way thai women think very strange sometimes.

Yes and no, I would have also felt like a swift roundhouse would work well, but your wife has got a point, at the end of the day she is your wife, your partner, your equal, your confidant. If some idiot thinks he can just buy that kind of intimacy...... you know as well as I do how complex a woman’s mind can be, one way I do agree, but in a much greater way a roundhouse is much more appealing.....

[terrythesparky]

I have been married to my thai wife for 5 years, we have a home in the uk. some people have been very nasty to her, but on the whole people are find. My work means that we work overseas a lot and we have found that europeans are the ones who look down on thai women the most. In belgrade one man actually try to buy my wife from me. which I got more angry about than she did, she just laught at him and told he did not have anouth money to buy her.

Are you Brit?

Yes I am British spelling and grammer are not my strong points. Having a good heart and being a good person are

[Q_Q_Dude]

don't bring her back to your home country

she'll then be relegated to having locals think of her as a "mail order bride" and being isolated from society, unless she meets other thais.

that's what i've experienced growing up as a luk kreung in the US

i might write a book on this subject one day

My wife is Thai and we've been married for more years than I can remember. We are living in the USA but we own a house in Thanland and make frequent trips there. SHe's never been treated like a "mail order bride", has always been well liked both in Thailand and the US.

This thread is confusing. First it starts out with "mail order brides" then switches to "luk kreungs". So which is it?

How does she feel in American society? Does she have any regular social contact with people in the US other than you/the immediate family? Does she lament and prefers truly Thailand?

Like I said, there are a TON of social issues here. As someone who's grown up in this situation and feel that I can contribute to the global knowledge pool by doing so, I plan to write a book on this subject someday.

Issues with your mother and growing up as a luk kreung seem to be at the heart of al your posts. You've never come out and said wht information it is you'd like to convey to this board and you have failed to word any post in a way where you are likely to get insightful help from these very knowledgable people. The people here are well familiar with the life of Thai women overseas and what it's like to raise or be a luk kreung child. You admit in prior posts that you make up a good deal of the "facts" contained in your posts, so my question to you is WHAT DO YOU WANT? If you can articulate that, you will likely find useful responses.

I used to make up certain details, but that was mostly just to test my belief in whether or not the internet as a system of open anonymity is feasible or not. What I'm posting here is true.

My mother is from a poor/uneducated Chiang Rai background and we live in the Twin Cities, Minnesota, USA. She has yet to make any friends/acquaintances here and her only social contact here in the US with others is with our immediate family.

Most of her time is occupied by calling her relatives in Thailand, reading Thai literature, viewing Thai media, etc. I can obviously tell that she's unhappy to be in the US and would much prefer Thailand. My Dad even once asked her if she'd rather be in Thailand, and she agreed and communicated something to the effect of "Yes, but what about the kids?"

Every summer, when we visit our house/relatives in Chiang Rai, Thailand for one-two months, she almost seems like a completely different person, in a vastly positive way. This further reinforces my belief that it's pretty obvious that she feels like she can be herself there, has a large social network, and feels fulfilled in Thailand.

Talking to my father about this, he mentioned that my Mom is going to mostly live in the US until the day that she dies, visiting Thailand just once or twice a year. Now this truly made me lose a lot of respect for my father, and I lost it and called him a "######ing bastard who just wanted a stereotypical subservient uneducated asian woman to boss around." What's even more annoying is that my Mom doesn't protest or complain at all. She just kind of keeps quiet/nice and follows that stereotype while being unhappy. Now I frequently and openly refer to the fact that he treats my Mom like a subservient "mail order bride" and he doesn't deny it at all. He just ignores it and changes the subject. I'm not sure how well that went over but I think I finally mentally one-upped my old man.

I don't plan to rectify this situation yet at all, especially since I have younger siblings who are still being raised.

I'm 18 now and will probably collect my cash, rent a room/move away, and just follow my own life. I love our relatives/friends/family in Thailand. The family there in Chiang Rai has grown so much over the past twenty years and for the most part now seem middle-upper middle class with new homes, vehicles, college tuitions, computers, etc and my cousins/their friends are all getting good educations, show many traits of critical-analysis westernized thinking/ingenuity (which makes me feel much better about the possible future of Thailand especially if enough youth nowadays are learning this confident mindset), and all seem happy knowing that they'll probably become prominent/philanthropic one day in the Chiang Rai city/town areas where they live.

I think my Mom knows this and would much prefer to live in Thailand.

I've finally decided that I'm not gonna take action into deciding where the entire family moves. Thus I'll probably just move.

So really, am I justified in my feelings?

[solent01]

If in fact you are being 100% honest, then I for one congratulate you. It would seem that (again if you are genuine) that you father is very much behind the times. I wish you luck young man (if in fact you are as young as you say you are). What ever you feel, I can't help feeling that here is not the right place to debate the fact, sorry, but you will get the wrong response from some of our members.

[jumnien]

QQ dude,

Let me quote your posts:

I was born and have lived my entire life around Silicon Valley and the Bay Area, California. We have visited Thailand during my younger years and every summer, so I know my relatives/connections there well.

and I'm going to a very reputable college here in California. Anyway, my Mother is Thai and uneducated. And it makes me feel bad. Please help me get over it.

My mother is from a poor/uneducated Chiang Rai background and we live in the Twin Cities, Minnesota, USA. She has yet to make any friends/acquaintances here and her only social contact here in the US with others is with our immediate family.

So, Where Do You Live? Your posts are filled with truths and half-truths and as you admit outright lies. Grow up!

[ColPyat]

So really, am I justified in my feelings?

Well, it's always difficult to give advice from the distance, not knowing the people involved. But from what you said there seems to be a serious communication problem in your family. Have you directly spoken with your mother about her wishes?

Maybe, instead of leaving it all, you could try to help your mum getting out a bit more, and making some friends. From what you said, your dad does not make much of an effort that way, but you are now old enough to try to so something about that.

But whatever your personal situation, which does not sound very nice at all, not all inter-cultural relationships are like this.

[WaiWai]

Maybe, instead of leaving it all, you could try to help your mum getting out a bit more, and making some friends. From what you said, your dad does not make much of an effort that way, but you are now old enough to try to so something about that.

That seems like good advice. You can be a good friend & companion, too.

[barryofthailand]

Unfortunately you sound like a mixed up 18 year uld Kid. The answer is not where you live, but are you happy within yourself. If not you need to ask yourself why, and when you find the answers try and rectify the situation.

believe me at your age your education should be inportant. If you are able to visit Thailand on school summer breaks that would be nice, but to live in Thail;and at a young age when you have good opertunities in the states would really be a waste. Thailand is a beautiful country, but it's very dificult to make a decent living unless you have a profession.

Barry