Subject: FW: Trafalgar 2007!

>

>

> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

>

> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

>

> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning

> of

> this?"

>

> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

>

> Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her

> duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion

> or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

>

> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities

> employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the

> censors,

> lest it be considered racist."

>

> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

>

> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free

> working environments."

>

> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the

> mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

>

> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

> Government's policy on binge drinking."

>

> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it

> ............. full speed ahead."

>

> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

> stretch of water."

>

> Nelson: "###### it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

> history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest

> please."

>

> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

>

> Nelson: "What?"

>

> Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness,

> and

> they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone

> up

> there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

>

> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

>

> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle

> Admiral."

>

> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

>

> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free

> environment for the differently abled."

>

> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse

> even

> to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by

> playing

> the disability card."

>

> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the

> areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

>

> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

>

> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let

> the

> crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone

> breathing

> in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

>

> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the

> men

> to stand by to engage the enemy."

>

> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

>

> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

>

> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged

> with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid

> lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

>

> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

>

> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

>

> Nelson: "We're not?"

>

> Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

> According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this

> stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

>

> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

>

> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying

> that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

>

> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

> King."

>

> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

> Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

>

> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,

> sodomy

> and the lash?"

>

> Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

> corporal punishment."

>

> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

>

> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

>

> Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

Subject: FW: Trafalgar 2007!

>

>

> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

>

> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

large post edited to conserve electrons according to Government regulations and Wastemanagement Council

> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

>

> Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

This was good - thanks for the posting, very funny and oh sadly so true.

I haven't heard this one before although I am sure some of the more chronologically advanced members will soon advise

CB