Wednesday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

A man shouted to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock"! She

walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on.

She says, "That's not a clock"!

He says, "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it."

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing". The 4 year old nods his head in approval "When we go downstairs

for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be ######ing Coco Pops."

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a

Repairman. Since she had to

Go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

I'll leave the key under

The mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the

Counter, and I'll mail

You a cheque."

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike.

He won't bother you.

But,

Whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,

Talk to my parrot!" "I

REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the

Following day, he

Discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he

Has ever seen. But, just

As she had said, the dog just lay there on the

Carpet watching the repairman

Go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time

With his incessant

Yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the

Repairman couldn't contain

Himself any longer and yelled,

Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat ' s dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we ' ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for

the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry ' s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing him self stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and

says, "<deleted> dat. Dis budgie jumping is too <deleted> ' n dangerous for me!" Bad. But wait:

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He ' s been to the pet

shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi,Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and

lets him fly free.

He then throws him self over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls him self off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "<deleted> dat,lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his <deleted>'n hengliding!"