When your child leaves home

[snoop1130]

When your child leaves home

by Carolyn Whitehouse

 

 

Every year, thousands of expatriate parents “launch” their child off to university and like most moms I didn’t think much about it, until it happened to me.

 

Watching my daughter fighting back the tears from the car park outside her university halls, the memories flooded back of her first day at kindergarten. Where had the time gone? The tears streamed down my face as I glanced over to my mother who was also crying, whilst the muffled noises from the back of the car informed me that my mother in law had also succumbed. Shocked I glanced from one to the other “I don’t know why you’re crying” I said angrily. “It’s me that’s going to be thousands of miles away”.

 

The weeks that followed were a whirlwind of emotions; sadness at her empty space at mealtimes, happiness at her first friendship, anxiety over her first night out and constant frustration at our poor internet connection. Her ups and downs were my ups and downs, which together with the midnight phone calls and the growing voice in my head that kept shouting “what do I do now”, left me physically and mentally exhausted. Why did no-one tell me it would be like this?

 

Whilst domestic research often portrays the “launch” of a child to university as a positive transition for parents, there is virtually no research on the experiences of expatriate families and the specific challenges that arise when your child is thousands of miles away. Fast forward three years and the completion of my Masters in Psychology dissertation research. This is what I discovered about the experiences of a group of expatriate mothers living in Thailand.

 

Before you “launch” your child to university mothering is all about “caring for” them. You cook their meals, wash their clothes and check their homework but once they leave that role transitions to “caring about” your child. Your role becomes that of supporting your child; listening, guiding and advising when necessary (even if they choose to ignore it). The transition experience is unique to you and can influence your feelings in unexpected ways. Photos, songs, empty spaces and family shared activities can initiate strong emotional reactions, which may begin well before your child leaves and continue (hopefully with less frequency and intensity), for up to two years afterwards.

 

The most common emotional response you may experience is sadness and loss followed by feelings of isolation. Mothers who are not working, may find the transition to a supporting role more difficult because of the lack of alternative roles (eg. work) to take the place of mothering. How fathers respond to their child leaving home has not been researched, but evidence suggests that your partner may find it difficult to cope if they see you struggling. Fathers who are older and have a close relationship with their child are particularly vulnerable during this transition.

 

Full Story: https://expatlifeinthailand.com/education/when-your-child-leaves-home/

 

-- © Copyright Expat Life in Thailand

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[worgeordie]

I don't  really understand what this is all about ,Our daughter did 4 years at Chiang Rai Uni,

she had no problems because we had learnt her to look after herself, washing clothes,cooking,

been responsible,how to manage money etc.

Then she had a job for a few years,while going on holidays to Japan,Taiwan,Laos,Vietnam,

Malaysia, and Singapore, all by herself.

Now she is just starting a one year working/holiday visa in Sydney Australia,been there 3 weeks

now, has not found a job yet,was offered a job  10- 10 as receptionist,60 hour week for 15 $

AU, an hour, no overtime payment, told her not to take it ,that's slavery,the basic wage there is 20 $ hr.?

she can speak read and write Thai,English,Japanese and Chinese,so hopefully she will find a job with

better pay and conditions, seems like they are giving Thai people a visa,so they can be used as cheap

labour,2000 places this year.

Sure we miss her, but she wants to see the World, just like i did,she can phone everyday for free,so that's good.

regards worgeordie

 

[Puchaiyank]

It's called depression...find a new distraction to take your mind off your loss.  Adopt a pet.  Take a class at the University.  Go get a massage.  Get a membership at a gym.  Get busy with YOUR life...

[BritManToo]

Have more children is the answer.

You can either have them yourself, or get some ready made from the village.

Even more potential sons/daughters in Thailand than there are wives/gfs.

[mike787]

What is the question here????   What is the point of the OP?  Yeah, ok they go to school...we die...and???  It's called life...what am i/we missing here?  Can anyone shed light on this?

[Bob12345]

12 hours ago, Puchaiyank said:

It's called depression...find a new distraction to take your mind off your loss.  Adopt a pet.  Take a class at the University.  Go get a massage.  Get a membership at a gym.  Get busy with YOUR life...

Pick up the bottle

 

Go on TVF

[andygrr]

14 hours ago, worgeordie said:

I don't  really understand what this is all about ,Our daughter did 4 years at Chiang Rai Uni,

she had no problems because we had learnt her to look after herself, washing clothes,cooking,

been responsible,how to manage money etc.

Then she had a job for a few years,while going on holidays to Japan,Taiwan,Laos,Vietnam,

Malaysia, and Singapore, all by herself.

Now she is just starting a one year working/holiday visa in Sydney Australia,been there 3 weeks

now, has not found a job yet,was offered a job  10- 10 as receptionist,60 hour week for 15 $

AU, an hour, no overtime payment, told her not to take it ,that's slavery,the basic wage there is 20 $ hr.?

she can speak read and write Thai,English,Japanese and Chinese,so hopefully she will find a job with

better pay and conditions, seems like they are giving Thai people a visa,so they can be used as cheap

labour,2000 places this year.

Sure we miss her, but she wants to see the World, just like i did,she can phone everyday for free,so that's good.

regards worgeordie

 

 Working holiday visas are designed to allow working for short periods whilst visiting and exploring the country. Not for full time permanent employment. That is why companies like to employ people like this at busy times of year.  They normally only want people for a couple of months and know they can pay them less than a local, and them get rid of them easier when bvusiness drops. If she is there to work full time she should be applying for a work visa.

[xtrnuno41]

it is a cry out for her experience and many moms could have that.

It s a change of life which effects her mentally and she has to cope with it.

It takes time. Adjust, adapting, that is with lots of things with humans.

Some will adapt faster.

Like some others here, dont bother at all. However they are men.

They say woman are from Venus and man from Mars, meaning we are totally different.

 

How many men can really understand women?

[ChipButty]

My mother used to rap my lunch up in a road map, do you think she was trying to tell me something?

[ThaiBunny]

14 hours ago, worgeordie said:

Now she is just starting a one year working/holiday visa in Sydney Australia,been there 3 weeks now, has not found a job yet,was offered a job  10- 10 as receptionist,60 hour week for 15 $AU, an hour, no overtime payment, told her not to take it ,that's slavery,the basic wage there is 20 $ hr.?

she can speak read and write Thai,English,Japanese and Chinese,so hopefully she will find a job with better pay and conditions, seems like they are giving Thai people a visa,so they can be used as cheap labour,2000 places this year.

There's no guarantee that work will be available, and no certainty that it will be where the visa holder wants to be. Sydney is awash with WHV people; it's got nothing to do with the Thais whose numbers are actually quite limited. Has she tried a website like Seek and put "working holiday visa" into the search criteria? I was talking to the (Thai) owner of a restaurant business in Sydney some months ago who said he would never hire a WHV person as they're limited to a short time with any single employer and he's not interested in having a high staff turnover

[ThaiBunny]

1 minute ago, ChipButty said:

My mother used to rap my lunch up in a road map, do you think she was trying to tell me something?

For spelling lessons maybe?

[neeray]

14 hours ago, mike787 said:

What is the question here????   What is the point of the OP?  Yeah, ok they go to school...we die...and???  It's called life...what am i/we missing here?  Can anyone shed light on this?

I think I know the answer but will not state it here as I don't need a "holiday".

[wombat]

32 minutes ago, xtrnuno41 said:

How many men can really understand women?

is that a rhetorical question?

[xtrnuno41]

19 minutes ago, wombat said:

is that a rhetorical question?

You know how to answer? think better to keep it rhetorical

[BritManToo]

51 minutes ago, ChipButty said:

My mother used to rap my lunch up in a road map

Was she as good as Dr. Dre?

[Roadman]

“I don’t understand what this is all about.” I guess that was always going to be obvious knowing this forum.