Should I help?

[thailand49]

Sadly, your GF isn't the mother but like many things in Thailand the next women in line is made to feel responsible. If she is 15 years old she basically has finished Junior High and entering High School. If you were involved already you can easily just ask to see her grades.

The problem I suspect your GF has been footing majority of the bills for her niece very common story she now wants your help but most likely want the money not your concern or advice?

[4MyEgo]

On 6/18/2020 at 11:05 PM, Lacessit said:

My GF's granddaughter is switching schools to some kind of higher education. 15 yo, no idea how accomplished she is academically. Wants to be a Japanese translator.

Personally, I wouldn't help unless I knew how good she was doing, otherwise you might as well wait for the wind to pick up and throw it in the wind.

 

On 6/18/2020 at 11:05 PM, Lacessit said:

My GF has asked me if I would contribute half her education costs, amount as yet unspecified.

She's a nice kid. However,

I am not into Thai's asking for half let alone all education costs. I have been married to my Thai wife for 13 years, she has twin sons 16, she pays for their education, I have offered to put them into a better school, and she has told me flat out, they are not interested in developing, that I know, she went on to say, they have to want it to get it, but all they want is their mobiles, games, and to do nothing, so she puts chores on them all the time to do, they have no idea what they want.

 

If you ask me, (respectfully), I would say, see what the cost is, shouldn't be that much, half could also be the full 100% as far as you know, paranoid, nope, just see guys get taken all the time, sisters x farang sent 10,000 baht over the other day for the kids 7 year old school term, she goes to a public school, so he is paying school fees for nothing as government public schools are free.

 

You could also enquire at the school what it costs, and then when you confirm the figure with them, tell her on one condition, we go together to pay and get a receipt. If she arks up about that, 'you not trust me tiruk', say no, that is the way I do business, you asked me for my help, and I am prepared to help, subject to my terms, you can leave it if you like, no pompem.

[1FinickyOne]

1 hour ago, Lacessit said:

My approach is I expect the father and mother to be responsible

And if the father and mother don't care, but the girl wants a chance in life, then she shouldn't get it? She is not her father and mother... either you want to take the chance on her or not. 

 

As to all the conditions above listed by well-meaning posters, my experience is that if the kid is not ready/or wanting it badly enough, they soon drop out... the niece that we are raising, age 15,  loves school.. I never have to worry though I do occasionally ask what subjects she enjoys, and will discuss things a little, but she takes on the responsibility of keeping up her work and doing her homework w/o my checking on her... of her own volition she pursued getting into a good school and is #4 in her class... she is a great kid...

 

And all of these positives, no negatives, is still no guarantee... I will never regret providing the opportunity... 

 

good luck to you and if you like her and think she deserves a chance, go for it. But. then it is mostly her job to accomplish her goals... 

[GreasyFingers]

You were not specific that she was living with you. Is she is there is little choice about not contributing.

My situation is different as it is my wife's daughter. She has lived with us for 5 years but will not speak to me. She does enjoy school but I never get to see the results. As well as paying the fees she gets a weekly allowance but contributes very little to the house work and spends most of the time in her room alone.

It is a difficult situation but in the end it is only money, of which I have wasted and lost plenty. In this case it may help the grand daughter so i would say yes.

[BritManToo]

3 minutes ago, GreasyFingers said:

My situation is different as it is my wife's daughter. She has lived with us for 5 years but will not speak to me.

How odd, I wouldn't have her in my home, let alone pay her school fees.

Edited June 20, 2020 by BritManToo

[GreasyFingers]

Just now, BritManToo said:

How odd, I wouldn't have her in my home.

Maybe you need to show to be an Alpha male. I have no problems with my role.

[seancbk]

On 6/18/2020 at 8:05 PM, Lacessit said:

What would you do?

 

I'd stop dating grandmothers.

[BritManToo]

2 minutes ago, GreasyFingers said:

Maybe you need to show to be an Alpha male. I have no problems with my role.

I insist on a friendly home environment where everyone in it shows appropriate responses for my providing them with a home and financial support. If anyone doesn't like living with me, they are welcome to leave at any time.

If mom protested, I would have no problem with moving elsewhere, it's my way or the highway, and quite frankly there are plenty of single moms waiting for a foreign supporter to become available.

 

Some white guys just can't stop themselves being doormats.

Edited June 20, 2020 by BritManToo

[Damual Travesty]

You can do whatever you want with your money, but it all depends on if you consider your girlfriend family or not. I would never feel the need to ask such a question in this forum, because at its heart you are asking people here what we think about the trust level you have for the people involved here. I know my Thai family quite well - Mother, Father, sister-in-law, nephew, local friends in village. The question is do you know the people involved in your question. If you are asking here maybe you don't.

[WineOh]

Give me the money instead.

im running low on booze.

[Damual Travesty]

1 minute ago, BritManToo said:

I insist on a friendly home environment where everyone in it shows appropriate responses for my providing them with a home and financial support. If anyone doesn't like living with me, they are welcome to leave at any time.

spoken like a true king of the Castle! As it should be!

[Damual Travesty]

12 minutes ago, GreasyFingers said:

You were not specific that she was living with you. Is she is there is little choice about not contributing.

My situation is different as it is my wife's daughter. She has lived with us for 5 years but will not speak to me. She does enjoy school but I never get to see the results. As well as paying the fees she gets a weekly allowance but contributes very little to the house work and spends most of the time in her room alone.

It is a difficult situation but in the end it is only money, of which I have wasted and lost plenty. In this case it may help the grand daughter so i would say yes.

This was interesting for me to read; I also have a step daughter. I am married I treat her as my daughter. she is 17 and has been living with us for 3 years. She also gets an allowance, (which she must weekly come and ASK me for), treats me with total honour and respect, does housework, cooks me breakfast, offers to wash my dish etc. She talks and laughs with me, I teach her English, she does show me the results, and gets rewarded for them,  and I do make (kind) demands upon her regarding school work. I also tell her I love her and that she is my daughter.  She is also in the Thai version of the ROTC for the reserve force. My daughter does spend a considerable amount of time in her room, but I do force her to watch a movie with me from time to time. My wife gives her far more grief then I do.

[sanuk711]

14 minutes ago, Damual Travesty said:

spoken like a true king of the Castle! As it should be!

I have to say I agree with most of what he said....Its a matter of respect. Some one lives with you their mother is attached to you, I take it he treats her well , plus pays the child's  school fees, gives her an allowance, and she wont even speak to him !  I wouldn't allow that sort of disrespect from my own 3 Australian daughters. They treat my Thai wife with upmost respect when we visit there---and she gives them nothing.

[BritManToo]

12 minutes ago, Damual Travesty said:

This was interesting for me to read; I also have a step daughter. I am married I treat her as my daughter. she is 17 and has been living with us for 3 years. She also gets an allowance, (which she must weekly come and ASK me for), treats me with total honour and respect, does housework, cooks me breakfast, offers to wash my dish etc. She talks and laughs with me, I teach her English, she does show me the results, and gets rewarded for them,  and I do make (kind) demands upon her regarding school work. I also tell her I love her and that she is my daughter.  She is also in the Thai version of the ROTC for the reserve force. My daughter does spend a considerable amount of time in her room, but I do force her to watch a movie with me from time to time. My wife gives her far more grief then I do.

Same, but I've had the kid since she was 11, 22 now in her final year of university.

[expat1010]

my gf grew up dirt poor in a small village after her father abandoned the family when she was quite young. she worked hard at school, earned and saved money selling food in her spare time and eventually attend the public Ramkhamhaeng University on a scholarship/bursary. Today she is independent financially, owns her own successful business, has multiple homes and takes good care of her extended family. no farlang paid for her school or supported her family, it was done via hard work. 

 

help out if you want but know that most Thai's can and will get by on their own, if they have the drive to do so. Not so different from us after all.

[Damual Travesty]

10 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

I have to say I agree with most of what he said....Its a matter of respect. Some one lives with you their mother is attached to you, I take it he treats her well , plus pays the child's  school fees, gives her an allowance, and she wont even speak to him !  I wouldn't allow that sort of disrespect from my own 3 Australian daughters. They treat my Thai wife with upmost respect when we visit there---and she gives them nothing.

To be honest, I was only speaking direct to the comment in question and did not Tie the post to previous posts as being same, so yeah, I also agree with you 100 percent.

[Foghorn]

I had a similar situation with a ex’s niece , my answer was I want see the bills and I want a say in the education for example I will give some homework to see if she is improving and if she doesn’t want this find the money alone . I was being asked for more than half for fees and room and food . I was told she will take the money but up to her what she wants to learn .   Idiot got nothing

[OneMoreFarang]

You might find this interesting: A long time ago when I was in the village of my gf one of the family girls was just about to start a new school year. The parents were talking about the price of the new school uniform. I don't remember how much it was. I told them don't worry, I will pay for the uniform. And that is what I did.

Fast forward another year (or was it half a year, not sure) my girlfriend told me that now the parents of the girl told her it's time that I pay the new uniform for that year. I was a little surprised by that. It was not a big deal but how could they demand that I pay for that uniform. The answer is that they (pretend they) understood my initial comment in a way that from that day on I will pay for every school uniform she will ever need. And they made sure I was reminded about my obligation.

 

What I learned from that is: Be careful what you promise. Back to your situation: If you want to help the girl and you can afford it then help her. It will make both of you happy.

But I suggest don't make promises like you will pay x% of her education (forever). I suggest you make it clear you help her if i.e.:

- someone else pays also x% of the cost

- she has to be good at school

- she does not take drugs, etc.

- and you will do this if you can afford it. If your conditions change you should be able to just tell them: I won't pay anymore because I can't afford it or I need the money for something else, etc.

Don't put yourself into the trap that you have to pay no matter what for a long time. And if you don't pay then everybody will be against you because you didn't follow your promise...

 

 

[Lacessit]

50 minutes ago, Liverpoolfan said:

Give me the money instead.

im running low on booze.

Convincing evidence alcohol kills brain cells.

[Lacessit]

I've had a lot of good advice on this thread. My thanks to the posters who have made positive contributions. I'll take it as it comes, and have made it clear to my GF continued support is contingent on the granddaughter staying on the rails.

[Scott]

Troll posts and replies removed.  Stay on topic.   It's a rather simple question.

 

[rumak]

3 hours ago, Lacessit said:

I've never considered money given to my GF or her family as a loan. My approach is I expect the father and mother to be responsible for contributing to the support of their children. If they think

this farang is an easy source of funds, they are sadly mistaken.

Your saying does resonate with me, because I tried to do the right thing by a former defacto in Australia. That experience, and her greed,  has made me far less trusting.

I think you have a pretty good grasp of how things work here.  I guess my main point in my post ( which was sure to be poo pood by some).... was that generosity and the desire to help very often lead to

arguments, disagreements down the line.  especially since farangs tend to want to oversee and instruct on how things should be done.  This is where cultures clash,  and i think in only a very few special cases

do things work out as planned.   As Ken says,  sometimes it works and sometimes not.  I admit that i

would probably expect too much   ....... a recipe for disaster .   its just not the thai way  ????

 

Edited June 20, 2020 by rumak

[rumak]

42 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

You might find this interesting: A long time ago when I was in the village of my gf one of the family girls was just about to start a new school year. The parents were talking about the price of the new school uniform. I don't remember how much it was. I told them don't worry, I will pay for the uniform. And that is what I did.

Fast forward another year (or was it half a year, not sure) my girlfriend told me that now the parents of the girl told her it's time that I pay the new uniform for that year. I was a little surprised by that. It was not a big deal but how could they demand that I pay for that uniform. The answer is that they (pretend they) understood my initial comment in a way that from that day on I will pay for every school uniform she will ever need. And they made sure I was reminded about my obligation.

 

What I learned from that is: Be careful what you promise. Back to your situation: If you want to help the girl and you can afford it then help her. It will make both of you happy.

But I suggest don't make promises like you will pay x% of her education (forever). I suggest you make it clear you help her if i.e.:

- someone else pays also x% of the cost

- she has to be good at school

- she does not take drugs, etc.

- and you will do this if you can afford it. If your conditions change you should be able to just tell them: I won't pay anymore because I can't afford it or I need the money for something else, etc.

Don't put yourself into the trap that you have to pay no matter what for a long time. And if you don't pay then everybody will be against you because you didn't follow your promise...

 

 

Sorry to copy the whole post ..... but this is what i was warning !.......  And, BTW,  there is no such thing as making it perfectly clear   LOL     .      OMF  should know that .    We as well meaning farangs think that if we are nice all will go well.    And then ye shall reap the consequences.   Hey John,  they're here for this years tuition !  oh,  and now she takes special courses too .   Just a little extra

[BritManToo]

58 minutes ago, rumak said:

especially since farangs tend to want to oversee and instruct on how things should be done. 

I certainly want to oversee everything I finance, especially if it's happening in my home.

As far as I can tell it's the same for Thais.

Edited June 20, 2020 by BritManToo

[Ron jeremy]

The parents have been absent, and try to get the falang to pay.sad! 

The thai way, have a kid, and give it to grandma. Walk away. 

Yes of course, pay everything, and in as well.

[Stevemercer]

Who is paying the other half of the fees? If it is your girlfriend it hardly seems fair that the two of you take sole financial responsibility. Assuming that the other half is coming from another family member, and that the fees are reasonable (no more than 20,000 Baht per term), then maybe you can contribute.

 

As others have implied, it is a slippery slope and there may be other family members you will be asked to help down the track. You will just have to deal with that down the track.

 

You don't have to be involved in tracking her education and accounting for every Baht. You are helping the family out with your gift and there does not need to be strings attached. Your girlfriend can do whatever checking is needed.

 

My Thai wife has three grown children and I've helped two of them go to Australia on study visas. But they are on their own now and it is up to them if they want to seize the opportunity.

[The Old Bull]

I pay for my granddaughter. She is super smart so I am getting my monies worth. No problem.

[DJ54]

My wife’s 2 nephews and 1 niece stay at our house during weekdays.

Ages 14,11,8.... I never see them studying or any report cards.. we live 

in a village..

[Blue Muton]

My niece who lives next door is incredibly lazy. She manged to get zeroes in all of her subjects. She refused offers of help with her English from me.

 

Despite all this and the fact that her family is massively in debt her father decided to get himself even deeper in debt by sending her to a university in Bangkok. I told them I'd contribute something towards it if she took on a part time job, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn't. She didn't so I didn't.

 

She did sod all at uni and quit after three months. That was three or four years ago, she's back at home, the family are always skint yet they are happy for her not to work. I occasionally give them small, short term loans on the condition that I know exactly when they'll repay me but I'm not prepared to subsidise a b-i-l who has no business sense, a lazy non-working wife and a lazy non-working daughter.

 

BTW I had to take on part time work when I was at school. Her cousins who went through uni also took on work to pay their way through it and now have decent jobs and their own homes.

[Rhys]

As been proven, somethings given free are not appreciated..EARN IT.