Monday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Virginia, a recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a

beach towel at Ormond Beach, Florida. She looked up and

noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket

on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied,

and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she inquired?

"Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted.

"Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket

onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most

passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked

the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she

caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her

that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her

daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the

conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison

to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her

daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a

life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of

the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for

a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards

them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator

beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer

employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch

and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While

standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to

worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police

before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and

crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo

teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that

he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not

accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit

slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip

or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,

"OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in

line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured

his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the

mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of

payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days

later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture,

this time of handcuffs. He

immediately mailed in his $40.

Smart guy.. but you still get a sign.

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of

the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the

robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the

shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier

refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber

said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she

didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out

of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed

that the man was in fact over 21 and she put

the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the

robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours

later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving

revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,

the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that

he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some

booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head

at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It

seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Apple Computer new product

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Makin de love!

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina DA love with my girlfriend I Go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above A DA bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love With ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and Zen ah lick zer Soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in Pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my Missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the Curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*!king roof.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle

with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs

seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't f@#$ing think so.