Aged Parents

[mbkudu]

I bring this subject up because of the latest offering from Bernard Trink's Nite Owl

page. He is talking about what people do when their parents, aunts, uncles, ect..

get too old and infirm to care for themselves. Most on this forum are living in Thailand permanently or planning to. What will you do when your mother or father is too old to take of herself or himself? Will you put her in a nursing home? Go home and care for them? Or just continue your life in Thailand and forget they ever existed?

I plan to return to Thailand for good within the next 4-5 years so I have thought about it quite a bit. I am 37 now and my mother is 57 so she is still as strong as an ox, she tells me, but the time will come someday. My wife has suggested that she come to live in Thailand when she is 'too old.' I'm not sure she would go for that.

[KevinN]

well I wouldn't worry about it for awhile yet,My mother is 93 and still livin alone,but she does have someone drive her around sometimes. And just got her first puter,,so you got some time,

Shit,she might out live ya.

Just live one day at a time.

[tuky]

Most of us still have family back home too. But from what I can work out the western way is not the same as the asian style of taking care of the folks. My folks for example are self sufficient, ie they have provided for themselves. If they need to be hospitalised they have the funds to do so. And they have the other family members that are unfortunate enough not to have discovered the joys of living in the land of smiles to look after them.

[ThaiPauly]

My Parents are both mid 70's. I worry about what will happen when one goes an awful lot which is an inevitability. I chose to live in CM as I can be back in London PDQ if one got seriously ill as they live virtually at the end of the runway. Probably 16 hours tops door to door. Luckily enough I have two sister's who would take care of them with me supplying the financial assistance should any disasters.

but it is still a great concern and I dont even like to think about it, but can't help it.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

My Parents are both mid 70's. I worry about what will happen when one goes an awful lot which is an inevitability. I chose to live in CM as I can be back in London PDQ if one got seriously ill as they live virtually at the end of the runway. Probably 16 hours tops door to door. Luckily enough I have two sister's who would take care of them with me supplying the financial assistance should any disasters.

but it is still a great concern and I dont even like to think about it, but can't help it.

It sounds as though you have got it well thought out Pauly. The wilds of Asia are not that far away at all really

[Axel]

Not much I can do. My life is in Thailand and no way I could close down to move back home. Would not even find a job being beyond the 'employable age' for a long time already.

My father died in 01, went back to take care the funeral and paper-work. Of course, arrived a few days after he passed away. But still, 3 days earlier he kind of told me, don't feel anymore, seems he decided not to survive.

Decided during that visit, my mother, who is now 84, still can handle by herself. OK, there is a phone, but not much more. But than I left home decades ago.

[mbkudu]

Interesting replies. I guess it shows how different we are from the Thais.

[Yohan]

My father is now 97 and is living with us....He is financially independent.

I do not have any relatives anymore except him.

Parents in law have their own house here in Tokyo and both have retirement allowances.

When visiting Thailand, it is no problem, to bring our old people with us.

If if they do not want to come with us, we can call them by phone...we are always in contact....

And it is easy to travel between Japan and Thailand....many connections every day....easy to visit each other within some hours....

(it is much farer distance within the United States for example)

[p1p]

Moved here full time onlyafter both my parents had passed on. Guess that answers it for me...

[elfe]

interesting topic, one of my biggest concerns....

my mom is 66 now and lives alone and is still quite fit and activel. but sometimes she gets on about being alone and that I'm so far away (Spain would have done also, would'nt it?), and what happens if....

she is financially independent so she could easily afford to go to any nursing home if it will be neccessary one day. but it still makes me feel bad that I'm not there, especially now when she is still in good health and we miss time together. as I am the only child and my father passed away long time ago it would be me who has to take care about everything if the worst case took place. she likes Thailand but could never live here, also she is not very convenient with the heat. as much as i like my mom i could not imagine to live with her day in day out, so if i went back again to europe i would have to start from zero again and give up everything here, but that's not in my book at all. so i hope and pray everything goes well as long as possible...

[otherstuff1957]

Before I came to LOS I shared "Mom-sitting" duties with one of my sisters. My sister had moved into our mother's house with her teenaged son a few years earlier. One or two nights a week I'd drive over to their house and take care of dinner, etc... and then sleep in the spare room, so that my sister could go out to dinner or work late or whatever.

I've been feeling guilty about running out on that situation, but I was stuck in a boring rut and had to make some changes. Next year I'll go back to California with my wife for a few months so that my sister can go on vacation and have some time off. We'll probably repeat these extended visits for as many years as necessary. I just hope that Mom can understand my wife's Thai accent!

[Flummoxed]

What an interesting thread!

This is something I am deeply concerned about. My Mother lives alone and is still working. Small family with no intercomunnication so uncles/aunts/cousins we never see. Only me, my Mum and my Sister. Problem is, me and Sister despise eachother and there is absolutely no chance of reconcilliation... Mum stuck in the middle. I want Mum to retire out East and live with me and Tee Ruk but I can't see it happening.

I hope if/when the time comes, I'm able, logistically and financially, to take care of Mum.

It's a real worry.

[eyespan]

My mom is still teaching but she is on a pension scheme. She hinted over the phone just the other day by saying that her money would last longer in a place such as thailand.

[angie]

My mum is 63 going on 21.

My Dad died 5 years ago in October, i still worry so much about her and the distance between us, however as mentioned earlier we are only 14 hours away.

She came to Bangkok in March for 1 month and loved it, she worried about the bar girls, i think she would be a great mentor for them, like an agony aunt.

Going to England 12th July for 2 weeks to stay with her, i'm so excited.

To finish, i am so so proud that i have a loving family and my chilhood was so happy.

Thanks Mum and god bless you Dad, for where i am today !!

Angie

[francois]

hi'

my dad died when I was in los in 92 ... he was only 72.

I had no way to come back and my mother told me that it was useless to come back to share her tears ...

40+ years of life shared with love, I guess she was right, no way for me to understand her sadness .. I was terribly sad, really down, but my mum was right, we talked about this a few times...

it had been one of the most terrible moment in my life.

now that I'm back close to her I know that I won't leave her alone to live at any other place as she is 85 now.

she's not alone as my sisters are here close to her, but I will be there to hold her hand as long as I can.

She is the most important person in my life, I'm here because she gave me this life, and nothing will make me leave her alone ... exept if I die before her ...

just one thing ...

Never forget to say how much you Love them ...

cheers

francois

[duke69]

It's also my biggest concern even if I have a contract which expires in 2 years time.

My Dad is in very good health (stronger than me indeed), but my mum has big health problem with blood pressure, heart and diabet.

She is 67 and human beans are not like wine, older you are the worst the problems are.

Next year I will have to decide whether to come back to Europe or to renew the contract, the package I've got here is very attractive and almost impossible to get in my home country, these $$ saving can be also the future of my family and my kids.

But I will never forgive myself if something happens during my years in Asia.

I call her every day, but I still miss all my family (including the old dog).

I hope my decisions won't be driven by greedy and fearnesses about my possible professional future in Europe, even if the trobles of the European economy are real and big.

Whatever decision I'll have to take I know might be a disaster and only luck can help.

TO ANSWER THE QUESTION: Yes should any of my family members (including sister and brother) need of me, I will take the first flight and come back for all the time necessary, piss off carieer and other stuff.

[Khun ?]

Bought the parents a little house in the place they wanted several years ago and send them enough money to make their life comfortable while they can still get around. Also send the children money so it will not put them out to help the grandparents which they all get along great. They all understand that when I do have time off work it is normally spent where I like to be which has not been with them for good reason........... I guess as they done we have done, grown up but still kept family resposibilites no matter what the situation. Could of cut all ties and

had enough to retire already but just could not put myself before others in my life.

Is it great to be from the west where our fore fathers set up such a system

that most will be assisted later in life, Insurance and pensions. Thailand is a great

and nice place but it is not home and the place that has given me the chance to

see and live any place I have the will to. It is very hard understanding those that

do nothing but complain about western countries they come from which is one of the only reason they had the chance to be free and be where they wish to be.

Can you imagine the pressure that must be on thais that live in other countries

knowing their parents may not have proper medical or basic needs.

[cathyy]

My parents are both deceased. My husband's parents are both very much alive, in their mid to late seventies. Neither is in perfect health, but neither is frail. My father-in-law, is, in fact, in the best health he has enjoyed for over 10 years. That's because after he got seriously ill (I went over and gave him a quick nurse's check, and said we had to call the doctor; the doctor said to call an ambulance if he wouldn't go to the emergency room voluntarily) and got out of the hospital he stayed with us for 3 months and and I kept him on his low-sodium diet. He learned how he had to eat to stay healthy.

So we simply talked to them about our concerns. We told them we wanted to retire to Thailand, but we didn't want to abandon them. They came right out in support of our move to Thailand. They did not want us to let our concerns for them alter what we wanted to do. But they are now considering a move to Florida, where my husband's younger sister lives with her husband and their only grandchild, since we talked to them. Whether or not they move we know that they really did not want us to stay in the US just in case they needed us. They are very well off financially, and able to do pretty much as they please.

[simon43]

My mother is in her mid-70s and is wheelchair-bound due to strokes. My 86 year old father looks after her at their UK house. Up to a year ago they both refused any help from the local council etc, but I finally convinved them that they had paid taxes etc all their lives and it was their right to now get some home-help assistance. So they gave into this and now get daily visits and help.

I'm lucky because I travel back to the UK every month for 1 week (to see my young kids), so I always drive up to see my mother. If she does take a turn for the worse then I'm only a night-flight away from her.

Much as I love them both, the idea of shipping them out to LoS and looking after them is not top of my list. But maybe I could ship them up to Isaan and my fiancee's mother/family could look after them... repay me for building her a house