THE WEEK THAT WAS Why Big Joke owes me a beer and why I’d rather not “Sample and Hold” a sex doll

[webfact]

 

OPINION | by Rooster

 

Firstly, many thanks to the people who commented on last week’s column that they had missed me. It’s encouraging and I shall try not to go AWOL again, mental health notwithstanding.

 

This week was another bumper one for all manner of interesting and wacky Thai news, some very close to home for your Ratchayothin columnist.

 

Much of it featured Surachate Hakpan, the poster boy cop from Songkhla who is universally known by his moniker of Big Joke that references his penchant for “Joke” (high tone) or rice porridge with egg, a popular Thai breakfast.

 

BJ popped up everywhere. There he was getting to the nitty-gritty in the case of the missing 8 month old infant in Nakhon Pathom. It emerged that the mum has been lying and her young husband has been selling her to an uncle.

 

 

Then he was instrumental in making sure that Thapthim, the 57 year old Thai woman who had fled the US after a hit-and-run, went back to face the FBI music.

 

In true BJ style he showed his humanity in sympathizing with his compatriot’s stress but also showing his dedication to law and order.

 

Sandwiched in the middle of these tales was a much bigger one that really brought a cheeky smile to those Joke loving lips.

 

Namely, the prosecution of 107 immigration officers in the NE complicit in the “Grey Chinese Investors” visas for cash scandal that has been the talk of Thailand in recent months after Chuwit’s allegations all proved to be true.

 

Lo and behold! The Chinese were not studying Thai at language schools and the IB were taking kick-backs and forging signatures. Well I never!

 

 

Surachate was sacked from the IB in April 2019 by Prayuth - our father who art in khaki, hollow be thy name. It was all very mysterious, maybe he’d stepped on too many toes in connection with his criticism of the 2 billion baht “biometrics” fiasco.

 

Prayuth gave him some paper to shuffle in his office then Surachate took off to India for a spot or R and R that now looks like it stands for regrouping and revenge.

 

Back having a massage in Suriwong two men on a motorcycle took potshots at his Lexus. A reminder perhaps that his enemies were just around the corner. Then the incumbent RTP chief Chakthip sacked a deputy after he supported BJ in a leaked phone call.

 

Curiouser and curiouser.

 

All this now seems to have been forgotten after Prayuth reinstated BJ with a special advisor role and he threw himself into anti-human trafficking and fisheries cases.

 

A promotion to deputy commander of the RTP followed putting him at the top table with bespectacled General Damrongsak. How he wishes he had just an ounce of the Lt-Gen’s good looks and charisma.

 

And in Rooster’s view some of his integrity and public appeal.

 

 

Since Surachate was second in command at the tourist police jetting here and there and busting African drug dealers in Sukhumvit, Rooster has been one of his strongest supporters both in the column and through countless AN translations making his Big Joke moniker a household name for tourists and expats.

 

Some see him as just another mouth-in-waiting at the trough. Some like me see him as a potential savior who, if given a decent run at the helm of the RTP could be the one to get the ball rolling and dent the Thai police’s deserved mafia image.

 

Several times I have contacted Surachate over the years requesting an interview. I’ve spoken to his media savvy entourage who surround him and they have promised this and that when “the boss” is less busy.

 

Mostly that was pre-pandemic and pre-fall from grace but it really is time that Surachate grants me an audience and, frankly, gets me a beer for all the good press!

 

We’ll see.

 

Road accidents, as usual, featured heavily on the hallowed forum with the usual Thai bashers going on about Thai driving standards. While standards are certainly not up to some countries, I’ll grant you, but 80% of the death toll are tanked-up motorcyclists without helmets. Take those away and the figures are less damning than many countries.

 

One of the most dangerous roads - indeed poor design is one of the leading contributors to the carnage - is the Mitraphap (Friendship) Highway where more van and pick-up accidents in Si Khio district added to the incineration of 11 there in January.

 

Rooster has been hyping the name “Sai Morana” or “Death Highway” that many Thais use about that road and the Bang Na - Trat highway, too.

 

 

I shall be riding my Honda 250 up to a Scrabble tournament in Korat on Sai Morana this weekend. The 500 km roundtrip will need the kind of concentration that makes me sleep like a baby at the end. No complacency and defensive yet positive driving are my watchwords.

 

Yet I still accept that every ride could be my last, especially if someone came head on over the central reservation on a “lap nai” (microsleep) nodding off adventure.

 

For years I had a silver skull on my bike key-ring as a reminder to play my part in making sure my kids don’t grow up fatherless.

 

Writing so many stories about the death on the Thai roads helps my focus by reminding me of danger wherever I go.

 

But I never thought that i'd be in much strife on a trip to Railway Park (Suan Rot Fai) near my home until I translated a story on Monday about a murder there the previous day. A coffee seller decided to blow a relative’s  brains out at the “nam pan” (liquidized drinks) stall nearby. This all in an area where I am a frequent visitor with my wife and nippers enjoying an after bicycle ride snack.

 

How much more this appalling violence means when we know the location intimately.

 

The revving of an old bike and loud music were blamed but the real reason was a Thai snapping after keeping too much angst to himself over a long period.

 

 

Be very, very afraid when Thais give you that smile that says “I am effing annoyed with you”. Or when they don’t smile when their social mores say they must. Practice running extremely fast in the opposite direction should this befall you. I once saved my life in Patpong doing that, all my own fault.

 

Conspiracy curmudgeons crawled out from under the Koh Tao rocks when a female with a ganja tattoo on her leg was found floating off their favorite “Death Island”.

 

While I accept that the investigation and conviction of the Burmese in the infamous British tourists’ murders in 2014 left much to be desired, many “unexplained” deaths since are in fact easily explained.

 

 

This was one of them, a boat capsized. Others survived and she didn’t. The earth is round you know, or almost round as scientists say there is a bit of a bulge in the middle.

 

That is also true of Mrs Rooster these days who has been reaching for the kids’ hula hoops to gyrate while watching the latest Gratuitous Violence 2 movie on Netflix.

 

I love her to bits for so many reasons despite our bust-ups that seem to occur every few weeks! She has been my “neua khuu” (soulmate) for 23 years and I hope there’s another 23.

 

She and my first wife have given me the greatest gift of all, two children apiece; I cannot imagine my life without my children. Indeed in the one minute and thirty seconds in 2021 when I thought I had lost my beloved third born I, too, thought I was dead.

 

Despite the trials and tribs of a relationship with a woman - any nationality of woman - it’s got to be better than a sex doll hasn’t it!?

 

 

One Mr Kim, a 54 year old Thai who split up with his wife in 2011, was calling for the legalization of sex toys and dolls this week. He’s been in a long relationship with a very well endowed and admittedly cute piece of silicone called Nong Song that cost him 30,000 baht.

 

He got her from a second hand shop, a bit like the guys in Pattaya.

 

In response to Mr Kim, agriculture minister Chalermchai Sri-on said he wanted to get Thailand producing sex toys to "boost the price of natural rubber" and get a slice of the 1.3 trillion baht global sex toy market.

 

Could Thailand become a dildo hub I wonder?

 

It reminded me of one of my most favorite tracks of all time, Neil Young’s vocoder anthem to the Computer Age called Sample and Hold.

 

Thank you Neil, but I’ll Sample and Hold the real thing if it’s all the same to you.

 

 

International news seemed boring by comparison this week so I’d like to report the odds on Betfair for various eventualities that may be of interest to my readers.

 

I am a great believer, while accepting that betting odds can be wide of the mark, that checking how the odds are moving can inform our own decisions and opinions. I gave up betting many years ago, incidentally, after Tony Pulis somehow saved Crystal Palace from relegation….

 

US: Next President: Biden 5-2, Ron De Santis 7-2, Orange Top 4-1.

 

UK next election winner: Labour 1-4, Tories 4-1 Lib-Dems don’t bother.

 

The Masters at Augusta: Rahm 7-1, Rory 9-1, Tiger 50-1.

 

EPL: Evens City, 5-4 Woolwich (my name for them as a Spurs fan) 15-1 United.

 

Champions League: 11-5 City, 7-2 Bayern, 13-2 Real.

 

If I was betting, and I’m not advising that anyone does, I’d be interested in 13-2 Real after their hilarious demolition of the Scousers this week.

 

Back in Thailand health minister Anutin promised to take more action against vaping especially among youth. Just as the Cannabis Act stalled and looked likely to stay in limbo until the next General Election when Anutin himself might be one of few generals not elected.

 

 

A “tomboy” was killed on a motorcycle making many posters scream about the inappropriateness of mentioning sexual orientation in such circumstances. My excuse is that this is in the headline in the Thai news and AN’s rules state that we are not allowed to change the source.

 

Of course this is routinely disobeyed for propriety; Rooster often leaves out the grisly details of brains splattered over the tarmac, for example, but there are times when I want to give the reader a true flavor of what the Thai press actually write in their own language. Other examples last year were “pretty corpse” (yes, it’s horrendously crass) and a Pit Bull called “Nazi” that savaged all and sundry.

 

These sometimes disturb my fellow moderators (I am yet to ban anyone BTW) but there’s usually a method in my madness while admitting I can get carried away. Usually when it's me speaking you’ll see “ASEAN NOW notes”.

 

In various media Prayuth kept popping up as the election looms. My question is why does he always look so smug surrounded by women wearing yellow?

 

That’s a rhetorical question by the way requiring no answer!

 

One of the most read stories of the week came from a Breakfast TV show call-in to agony aunt “Dear Deidre” reported by Viz competitor the Daily Mail.

 

 

Myself and my editor knew that “My husband of 48 years keeps disappearing to Thailand and sending hundreds of pounds there every month but when I question him he says it’s none of my business” was bound to get the odd click!

 

Finally, this week’s “Food Drama” was a belly-up jingjok in Khanom Jeen (incidentally did you know that Jeen here does not mean Chinese but relates to a Burmese word).

 

A lady had bought it for a friend from a vendor on a motorcycle with sidecar. It reminded me of the time in the Thai Room, a popular restaurant in Patpong, when a friend got half a malaeng saap (cockroach) in his lasagna.

 

 

He did the obligatory pointing for the waiter who just said “Ooo Hooo!” and called his mates for a gawk. My pal finished the meal; we'd only been in Thailand a few years but had already appreciated the futility of making a fuss!

 

It also reminded me of when my sister in England got a hard stone-like object in her Callard and Bowser. She complained and got a whole boxload of toffee back in the mail along with a letter.

 

It explained that the hard object was actually some congealed spit from disgruntled employees who spit in the vat from time to time.

 

I think I’d prefer jingjok.

 

Rooster

 

-- © Copyright  ASEAN NOW 2023-02-25

 

- Cigna offers a range of visa-compliant plans that meet the minimum requirement of medical treatment, including COVID-19, up to THB 3m. For more information on all expat health insurance plans click here.

 

The most versatile and flexible rental investment and holiday home solution in Thailand - click for more information.

 

Get your business in front of millions of customers who read ASEAN NOW with an interest in Thailand every month - email [email protected] for more information

[DougSunee]

Nice to see you back. 

[Fortean1]

Welcome back, Rooster !  FYI, I forward your column to a news editor of the Fortean Times magazine.  See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortean_Times . I always have a word/phrase or two that baffles me.  I'm American and I've been reading FT for 45 years.

[glen]

Sad about shooting at suan rot fai. My favourite BKK park.

[Stargeezr]

Rooster, it is so good that you are back. I missed the Bangkok news, and the pictures that you post. Neil Young 

is not so young anymore, but then neither are you and I. Cheers

Good luck on your up country drive.

[Noah K]

Ever see the movie Private Parts? Autobiographical film about Howard Stern's rise to fame. I rarely listened to his radio show, but the movie was enjoyable. There is a parallel between you two and your fans. Some love you, some don't but both constantly tune in to see what you'll say next. As a side note, after several weeks of no crowing from the Rooster, even I wondered if an angst up Thai had finally made Lab Gai out of you!

[Mark mark]

"He got her from a second hand shop, a bit like the guys in Pattaya" ... Har Har 

 

... Yes Roosters !!! You never miss a Beat, in Local Culture, and write it with some just great Idiom don't you !!! ... And Great !!! Mate !!!

 

... And the battering of the Geckos feet should be noted also and what a Great job that they did of it !!! Like the Hailed stewed Chickens Feet !!!....  NOW, ... "Battered Geckos Feet" !!! Yummee !!! ...

 

... Another North Eastern Thai, ? or Cambodian Delicacy no doubt !!! ???

 

[Mark mark]

… Yes I have a story about an American called Geoff I think ? ... Who I met in the Nana Hotel Swimming Pool, … while taking my 6 Year old to his Favorite Swimming hole Last week end !!! 

 

... And this guy, on his first trip to Thailand, after Years of just Going to the Philippines, went Doan to Cowboy, and Had his Pocket picked of 10,000 B so he said .. Like in the first 2 Hrs. by the sound of it, … and then was Over Charged up to 6,000 B for Company or ladies Drinks from our Finest, for the next 2 !!! ...

 

So now he says that he is going back to the Philippines, and NOT coming back ??? …

 

I do not know where to Put a post like this ?  … But I do think that it is Important.

 

Like I lived in there in Yipsong for many years in the 80’s … before the accidentally on Purpose Slum fires started to break out !!! … And well met my Wife in Cowboy !!! (But do not tell her that I told ANY ONE about that !!!) .... (And other stories about the Malaysia coffee shop, are totally banned, as the whole staff ducked down, and hid behind the counter, when I went there with her on our Good By Krung Thep Good By tour !!!) …. But I never have been Cheated there, or in Cowboy like that !!! like 16,000B in a Night !!! 

 

Well, … Not until much Minorly, say 3 Years ago just pre Pandemic where I was there with another silly American Guy a Nice Guy, But who was moving around with Multiple seats chasing ladies once again, … as you do ??? (Except not me as I have anxiety Right !!! Har Har …never got that one in to the Councilor Right ???) … So any way, they just made up Duplicate bills, for everywhere he sat, and then charged him for the Lot !!! ... and well Argue ??? .. With those Obvious, Good Honest Bar Cheats People ? !!! ??? ... Well I thought to myself that Cowboy WAS starting to go down then !!! ???  ... 

 

But this guy in the Nana Pool last week end ??? I am sure that he was genuine !!! ... But Well, I forgot to ask him which Bar it was !!! ??? …  But well, I could not say it here anyway cold I ??? ... But I bet the Locals will know which one it is any way ??? … I would think ???

 

Like this should be stopped I think ? Like it does just Hurt Innocent people AND Ruin Thailand’s Reputation I think ???  … Though I think if he had just said "Tourist Police" and dug in, ??? ... It might have turned out a lot different, ???  ... But well ? a Rich American ???  (And an Ex Service man also.) …. ... Like they obviously know how to pick their targets quite well, Don't they !!! ??? … He just took the loss, ... and in true Nice, but well Good Old Boy fission ??? ... Said that he will never come back. ???

 

Any Ideas on this one Fellas !!! ??? 

[Mark mark]

... So yes well on another subject ??? … Not off subject for your Column ? ??? I hope ??? … But ??? Maybe I should put this one, and the last one ? Maybe ? In as a new Threads ???

 

… Like after Reading about the 10 good points of living in Phuket, here on AN, I saw different wording in the Immigration, Visa extension section of that Story. ???

 

Like my Questions is on the new wording ??? In the “Cash in the bank section of the NON – OA Visa extension”. ??? ... Like I think that they have changed that wording now ??? ???

 

... Well it was Implied before, that the 800,000 in the bank probably should have come from OUT side Thailand, … but they did not say that !!! Precisely, I think … Until now I see ??? … I think. ? ???

 

The ASIA NOW article -

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?tab=rm&ogbl#advanced-search/from=ASEAN+NOW+DAILY+NEWS&subset=trash&within=1d&sizeoperator=s_sl&sizeunit=s_smb&query=in%3Atrash+from%3A(ASEAN+NOW+DAILY+NEWS)/WhctKKXpWhPsmKbZSDnktWtHksmxffGqwJqKpCWVFhpPkJNMpJtPMqVtXCNcNCNRpxtZFBB

 

“Retirement visas (O and O-A visas) are available for foreigners over the age of 50 and requires a minimum bank balance and monthly income requirement.”  …

 

… Nb. AND !!! “and monthly income requirement”

 

And then I found this link to the Criteria and Requirement for Visa Extension from the Thais.

 

https://www.immigration.go.th/en/?p=14714

 

And in the extension requirements for NON O and OA visas.

“Must have an annual earning" and a deposit in a commercial bank located in Thailand with totaling of no less than 800,000 baht as of the filing date.” …

 

Nb. “annual earning” and a deposit … “annual earning” New words to me ? with NO, …   OR’s !!! !!!

 

And in the Documents Required section underneath these requirements ... also new words re this

 

“Fund deposit certificate”  issued by a commercial bank located in Thailand and a copy of bank account”

 

… Nb. “Fund deposit certificate”  … It always has have the Bank Account details for 12 Months, … but I have not seen the Requirement for the “Fund Deposit Certificate” before ???

 

Like am I right in this ? it was Not there before ???

 

… Any Ideas on this one fellow NON – OA and O holders ???

 

I will just get the800K transferred in, but well the Local stock market ? can I use that ? ??? Like it IS just another <Deleted> Hassle right !!! ??? ???

 

[DJ54]

Here you go Rooster…..

 

The Story of the Guardian Bells

These little bells, known in the motorcycling world as Gremlin Bells, Guardian Bells, or Spirit Bells, are a kind of good luck charm for motorcycle riders. The bell is said to protect them during their travels, similar to how a pendant or image of St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers, is often carried in vehicles to protect their occupants while on the road.

Here’s how the bell works: legend has it that there are harmful spirits that lurk the roadways, always on the lookout for motorcycles to cling onto and cause mischief. You may have heard of unusual and hard-to-diagnose problems that occur in machines (most often in electrical systems) being called “gremlins,” and supposedly, it is these same unpredictable and harmful spirits that cause problems for motorcycles and their riders.

The Gremlin Bell is a way to ward off these spirits. It is said to work by capturing them in the hollow of the bell and infuriating them with the constant ringing until they release their hold and break free, returning to the roadway to find another unsuspecting rider without a bell to harass instead.

 The Rules of the Bell:

There are some “rules,” however, to the Gremlin Bell and how it works:

1.) It should not be bought by the user - in order to work, it must be given to a rider from a loved one. According to the legend, a bell is “activated” by the gesture of good will when someone, especially another rider, gives it to a rider they care about as a gift.

2.) It should be attached to the lowest part of the frame. Because gremlins lurk on the roadways and “grab” onto bikes as they pass by, the low-hanging bell should be the first thing they contact, so that they are immediately captured by it. It should be attached securely – safety wire is sometimes used, but that can create rust and scratches, so a zip-tie is generally the preferred method.

3.) When a bike with a bell on it is sold, it should be removed. The Gremlin Bell is a gesture of kindness to a rider from someone who cares about them, so it should be kept by the intended recipient, and can be transferred to another bike. If someone sells a bike with a bell and they want the new rider to have it, they should still remove it, and give it to them face to face. 

4.) A bell that is not given with intentional good will loses its spirit-fighting mojo. If someone steals a Gremlin Bell, the gremlins go with it – and the bell will no longer ward them off. The key to the bell’s power is good will. If it is stolen, it loses its effect...and karma will take care of the rest!

5.) One Guardian Bell is all that a bike will need if all of the above rules are followed. Ride safe, and KNOW that you are loved!

LIST

 

[Ponlamai]

Wonderful, thanks! Had all but given up all hope of seeing your weekly news again but just logged in for the first time since Xmas and delighted to see that you are back again.