Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very

elderly widow and asked, "How old was

your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're

96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going

home, is it?*

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is

the best thing about being 104?" the

reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."/*

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter

eggs.*

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and

diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with

dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel

my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all

my friends But, thank God, I still

have my driver's license.*

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my

doctor's permission to join a fitness club and

start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I

bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and

down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over.*

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she

had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

she wanted her ashes scattered over

Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then

I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice

a week "*

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as

sharp as it used to be.*

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.*

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.*

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast

relief."*

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old

because you stop laughing.*

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I

never liked anyway, the good fortune to

run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.*

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others

Oh well, give it to a bunch of your

friends if you can remember who they are!*

Excellent!

There was one I heard in another list.

When it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night!

Love it. I plan on sending it on to my dad