How Do You Get The Parents To Like You

[nautilus]

After talking with my Thai gf I am convinced that even A Prince would not be accepted by her mother. It seems to me that the ties beteween her mother and herself are extremely strong. Her mother has even said that it would be sad if she got married to anyone. Her mother wants her to live with her forever and thinks she should never marry. Because of this my gf is very reluctant to tell her mother that she has a bf because she is afraid the mother will cause problems in the relationship. What can I do to make the mother accept her daughter having a bf. My gf is 25 years old. Her mother treats her as if she was 16. Is this normal in thailand. Any suggestions?

[nautilus]

In addition, Her family is Thai/ Chinese. I heard that they are much more strict. Has anyone had this problem b4.

[Mango-Guy]

The 64-million baht question is how long have you and your gf been together? If it's less than a year or two, then what do you expect ?! It's wrong to generalise on Thai-Chinese, but they do tend to be more affluent, and therefore like affluent people everywhere, a bit more protective of their young-uns.

[john b good]

There are no easy answers. They will like you or they will dislike you.

And you might not ever really know which it is.

If the mother is opposed to her little girl (ever) playing house you're up against it.

But an important thing to remember is the way you present yourself.

If you look like a drop out or someone completely at home on Khao San road you might as well forget about it. They will never accept you.

[chanchao]

Just get her pregnant?

In the end, if your girlfriend, no matter what her age, isn't "adult woman" enough to make her own choices in life and choose you, then would you want her to be your wife at all? This would also be a good message to convey to her. Her call.

Cheers,

Chanchao

[snoophound]

Yes

depends on the families standing in society too.

High society Thai parents would strongly discourage Thai/Falang marriage.

Your poor family from Isan would necessarily like it ,but the money would assuage things.

[kwangandjo]

Learn to "wai" nicely (just like a Thai). Takes some exercise. Smile like a Thai. Put all pride aside when you meet her. Act like a dog who has been naughty and now has to face his boss. Be helpful. Don't act too sweet with her daughter, act both like the love is genuine but platonic. Give her no reason to dislike you, please her. This woman has to get used to the idea there is also somebody else in the life of her daughter. And that's hard. So let it come to her understanding as slowly as possible.

Chok dee

[Tornado]

Beetle nut and Yah Dong - she will say yes to anything then

[alleypanda]

try to speak thai as much as possible my mother find it extremly cute when farangs trying to speak thai. she said just like a babytalk and she loves that:)

[350torana]

The ties don't stop even if you get her to the altar.The mother will become the Mother-IN-LAW and still be strongly involved in your girl's life . My example is probably an extreme one. But mum in law moved in with us and has alot more influence over my wife and upbringing of my daughter than myself and wants to live with us when we move back to falang land I think the family thing is the biggest adjustment for a falang shacking up with a Thai

[Bluecat]

Forget her.

[john b good]

The ties don't stop even if you get her to the altar.The mother will become the Mother-IN-LAW and still be strongly involved in your girl's life . My example is probably an extreme one. But mum in law moved in with us and has alot more influence over my wife and upbringing of my daughter than myself and wants to live with us when we move back to falang land I think the family thing is the biggest adjustment for a falang shacking up with a Thai

I could perhaps accept that the old bag has some influence over the missus (they have been together for quite a while after all) but as far as the daughter (if it were mine) I would tell the old biddy to butt out and mind her own godda*n business.

There ain't room in any childs life for one father and two mothers.

And as far as moving in, in "falang land" forget it. You may as well stay here if you're gonna have the old tart with her ear to the wall listening to the bed springs squeeking every night.

Whats more the wall are thinner here and she won't strain her old ears as much.

The next thing she will be wanting to sleep with you and the wife. God forbid

[Mango-Guy]

Kwanadjo what an excellent answer.

One related question to the forum, what do you call your partner's mother (in Thai or English), everyone in my wife's family and close friends refer to her as "Maa" but I don't feel comfortable using that expression.

Serious answers please (but jokes will be tolerated)...!

[Nam Kao]

Dont kiss the old hags a$$, she'll see right thru it and you'll just look stupid

She doesnt want her daughter to marry because she will possibly lose a

source of income as she ages and needs support from her sons / daughters,

especially marrying a falang who are known among thais to be tightwads

when it comes to supporting the elderly parents financially.

We have a vietnamese girl working for us as a maid/babysitter. Her parents treat

all the kids as slaves, they make them work like dogs and all the $$ goes to

the ripoff parents who take lavish vacations everytime i turn around. They make

the daughters wear mens underwear as a deterrant to boyfriends...

Sick #$%^&Ss

[Spee]

Kwanadjo what an excellent answer.

everyone in my wife's family and close friends refer to her as "Maa" but I don't feel comfortable using that expression.

I agree, Kwanadjo's and couple other similar answers were spot on, at least in my situation.

I also agree that learning to wai the proper way, and trying to use as much Thai language as one can, also goes a long way.

As far as names go, I used "Koon Mae" or "Phee-Pxxxx" and she seemed to like both. To use "Koon Mae" was actually suggested to me by some of my fiance's friends.

For me, another thing was that even though I had a hotel room in another town, she insisted that I check out and stay at her home. She wanted to take care of me, feed me and talk with me. How could I refuse?

Aside from all that, I tried very hard to make my fiance's mother like me, by demonstrating how well I have been and will continue to take care of her daughter (and her daughter's daughter, and the family in general). In this case, I think actions speak volumes over any shortcoming with the language.

[Mango-Guy]

Spee, that's good advice. Thanks. Khun Maa is quite a good one - I'll bounce it off wifey. After NK's comment, it's great to hear not everyone has such cynical view of their Thai family.

[kwangandjo]

Kwanadjo what an excellent answer. 

One related question to the forum, what do you call your partner's mother (in Thai or English), everyone in my wife's family and close friends refer to her as "Maa" but I don't feel comfortable using that expression. 

Serious answers please (but jokes will be tolerated)...!

Mostly, I draw her attention when I want to talk to her. And otherwise I call her mae. "Khun mae" seemed a bit too respectful. She laughed when she heard that. Just "mae" is closer, more familiar, I guess. I call her dad "por" as well. But it still feels awkward for me to call them like that. Calling them "mae" and "por" is making them feel they are important to you. You regard them as your close family. I also still have some problem feeling comfortable with that. But you just have to put yourself over that. However, I still can't bring myself to lying next to grandmom on the floor . And I can't see myself yet reading a book out loud for old grandmom either (something typical Thai), if I could. Being a good Thai, you're supposed to take good care of your parents. Asking old grandmom several times a day "Kin khao mai" will be appreciated by the parents. . Now I'm the good guy and my gf's dad already told her (after a few Thai whiskey's ) she has to take good care of me and love me as I am such a good guy. Her mom also complained her daughter she had to iron my shirts better and not complain about an occasional beer breath. She taught my gf that if she ever wanted a future marriage to work, she can't mind about little things like that at all. So no problem for me, I'd love her folks to live close to us. (Maybe she can also persuade my gf in pouring my beer into a glass like she does for her husband )

Does anyone sometimes gives one of the parents-in-law a quick shoulder massage? That might be something to consider as the bonds are getting closer. I never did it as that would feel too awkward for me, and Idon't know how they would think about it. If I would be a farang girl, I'd do it for sure. Being a 26-year-old guy, hmmm

[kwangandjo]

Dont kiss the old hags a$$, she'll see right thru it and you'll just look stupid

She doesnt want her daughter to marry because she will possibly lose a

source of income as she ages and needs support from her sons / daughters,

especially marrying a falang who are known among thais to be tightwads

when it comes to supporting the elderly parents financially.

We have a vietnamese girl working for us as a maid/babysitter. Her parents treat

all the kids as slaves, they make them work like dogs and all the $$ goes to

the ripoff parents who take lavish vacations everytime i turn around. They make

the daughters wear mens underwear as a deterrant to boyfriends...

Sick #$%^&Ss

Lose a source of income? My gf has only costed her parents money until now. They didn't want 2 daughters as some kind of retirement bonus.

And about the wai. It's one of the first things a farang should be expected to know. You don't wai to kiss somebody's ass. Just like you wouldn't give your parents-in-law a hand to kiss their asses in your home-country when you first meet them. If that was so, then by your theory Thai students who wai their teacher would only do so to get good grades. There's a difference between being polite, showing respect and kissing someone's ass.

You should thank and respect your parents-in-law for raising your wife and giving her a good education.

I also think the money you give the parents-in-law when you marry their daughter is not for "buying" her. It's expressing appreciation and gratitude for the education and care they gave her. It's showing respect to them. A Thai family usually has even tighter bonds than a western family.

[stroll]

I call mother in law 'jai' as the others do, she is 66. And, yes, after initial awkwardness, the odd gentle shoulder massage and offering to get some food are well appreciated. There is also lots of body language which is considered polite and applies to any Thai. Watch how they hold themselves when they walk across your field of vision when you watch tele, for example.

[cobra]