Need Serious Advice On Matter Of The Heart

[argonaut942]

What does your heart tell you to do.

I tells me to go because I like her and I don't want to let her down.

But obviously it's not so simple...

[britmaveric]

Ok - inform her you won't be coming to thailand anytime soon. Work has you busy, and no time for a holiday. After a while I think she will get the message.

[donna]

the whole 'good girl/bad girl' thing has me confused. do we translate 'good girl' for a virgin and 'bad girl' as someone who has slept with 1 or more men? how do you define a good girl as opposed to a bad one?

back to your situation - i suspect that if you do go to see her, she will get her hopes up and may be let down if you do not give her the commitment she so obviously wants. sure, you have told her already blah blah blah, but she will still think that she can snare you someway. for goodness sakes, if you DO sleep with her, make sure you use a condom, so that there is no way she can call you up and say youre gonna be a daddy in 9 months time.

if i were you i would take the advice of the people here and tell her that you are busy or whatever and you are not coming to thailand. by all means, still come, but resist the urge to go see her and dont go anywhere where she or her friends may hang out. if you had a mobile number in thailand before, do not use the same sim card as chances are she will call the number when she thinks you will be here just to check.

[SiamSquare123]

You mentioned she is working in CM. As it so happens, that is where I live. Please PM me a pic and I will go have a drink with her and let you know my opinion soon thereafter.

wow. if i am OP and it were real life you would be picking your teeth off the floor.

[britmaveric]

You mentioned she is working in CM. As it so happens, that is where I live. Please PM me a pic and I will go have a drink with her and let you know my opinion soon thereafter.

wow. if i am OP and it were real life you would be picking your teeth off the floor.

Doubtful mate - you blow mostly hot air!!!!

[Jeff1]

What does your heart tell you to do.

I tells me to go because I like her and I don't want to let her down.

But obviously it's not so simple...

No, your right. It is not that simple. Better to not lead her in to false hopes.

I think that Donna has given some good advice. Best to do it that way.

Good luck

[SiamSquare123]

You mentioned she is working in CM. As it so happens, that is where I live. Please PM me a pic and I will go have a drink with her and let you know my opinion soon thereafter.

wow. if i am OP and it were real life you would be picking your teeth off the floor.

Doubtful mate - you blow mostly hot air!!!!

fancy a get together son?

[canadiangirl]

She now works in a resort in Chiang Mai province and repeatedly asked me to visit her there. In September I'll be in Thailand again to visit her for a few days. Again I emphasized towards her that I will only be there for a short while, and that we are not bf/gf, and she must be totally comfortable with this. She said it's alright and she's happy I'm coming. I'm not planning on bedding her, but it may happen. I genuinely like this girl, but can't imagine her as a steady girlfriend. What would you do in my situation?

- go see her and enjoy her company?

- better not see her and write a good bye letter?

- what else?

If you want to act with a good heart, I think the best thing to do is to break it off. It sounds like you can say you don't want to be bf/gf until you're blue in the face, and in her heart she will still be thinking "just give me a chance, I'll convince you!" -- us women can be like that sometimes.

Holiday flings/casual sex can be great when that's what both people want -- but personally I wouldn't feel right having a fling with someone who might be sleeping with me to entice me into something more serious, or whose standing in a fairly conservative culture has a good chance of being diminished by our affair, which could affect the rest of her life.

[britmaveric]

You mentioned she is working in CM. As it so happens, that is where I live. Please PM me a pic and I will go have a drink with her and let you know my opinion soon thereafter.

wow. if i am OP and it were real life you would be picking your teeth off the floor.

Doubtful mate - you blow mostly hot air!!!!

fancy a get together son?

[Jeff1]

You mentioned she is working in CM. As it so happens, that is where I live. Please PM me a pic and I will go have a drink with her and let you know my opinion soon thereafter.

wow. if i am OP and it were real life you would be picking your teeth off the floor.

Doubtful mate - you blow mostly hot air!!!!

fancy a get together son?

I would love to see the look on his face when he saw you

[argonaut942]

if i were you i would take the advice of the people here and tell her that you are busy or whatever and you are not coming to thailand. by all means, still come, but resist the urge to go see her and dont go anywhere where she or her friends may hang out.

Good idea, but this is a problem. When I first met her, and before we had our fling, I showed her my online photoblog where all my photos from travelling go. She knows I travel to the region very frequently. She can clearly see from my photoblog when and for how long I have been where. I can't just tell her that all of the sudden I can't travel anymore. She'd see throught that lie instantly, even if I didn't put any more photos up online (which would be a real shame also...).

[argonaut942]

It sounds like you can say you don't want to be bf/gf until you're blue in the face, and in her heart she will still be thinking "just give me a chance, I'll convince you!" -- us women can be like that sometimes.

Oh yes...

Holiday flings/casual sex can be great when that's what both people want -- but personally I wouldn't feel right having a fling with someone who might be sleeping with me to entice me into something more serious, or whose standing in a fairly conservative culture has a good chance of being diminished by our affair, which could affect the rest of her life.

Well, I guess it's the old argument that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I'm really not good at that at all. But you are right of course!

[donna]

well you are in a pickle arent you.

look, you are an adult. and so is she presumably. come to thailand, but why not explore another area so that you dont have to cross paths? even if you do go to chiang mai, just avoid the places she goes to and post your pics AFTER you get home. that way you still get to show off to the world where you have been and she cant pester you whilst you are here.

its pretty striaght forward i think.

perhaps you are making excuses to go see her? are you asking for our blessing? if so, go for it. we will await your next instalment. if you really want to go see her, then just do it. but it sounds to me that you are asking for trouble.

[argonaut942]

...even if you do go to chiang mai, just avoid the places she goes to and post your pics AFTER you get home...

Well...that wouldn't make her feel much better, would it?

The thing is that it's quite difficult to talk to her on chat and in emails. Her English is above average, but I really have to keep it pretty simple for her to understand. I have only phoned her once in the past months as I didn't want to build up expectations by me frequently calling her there. Face to face it's a different matter. Communication is much easier then.

perhaps you are making excuses to go see her? are you asking for our blessing? if so, go for it. we will await your next instalment. if you really want to go see her, then just do it. but it sounds to me that you are asking for trouble.

That's a pretty good assessment of the situation. But no, I don't want anybody's blessing. I posted the question because I wanted to hear what other people thought . I know there is no easy answer or solution to this. Unfortunately. As a friend pointed out to me...if I'm going I'm probably headed for a major hangover.

Edited July 24, 2007 by argonaut942

[donna]

well i agree with your friend. it sounds to me that you have decided to go anyway. ok. if you go, and see her, and tell her, yet again, that you arent after a long term relationship, she is gonna feel crappy.

if you go and post your pics after, she is still gonna feel crappy but at least she didnt get her hopes up by seeing you again.

if you come to thailand and dont go to chiang mai, then you have nothing to feel guilty for. and she will still feel crappy.

so either way you do it, she will feel crappy.

[argonaut942]

well i agree with your friend. it sounds to me that you have decided to go anyway. ok. if you go, and see her, and tell her, yet again, that you arent after a long term relationship, she is gonna feel crappy.

if you go and post your pics after, she is still gonna feel crappy but at least she didnt get her hopes up by seeing you again.

if you come to thailand and dont go to chiang mai, then you have nothing to feel guilty for. and she will still feel crappy.

so either way you do it, she will feel crappy.

Yeah...well...I suppose that's what it comes down to, isn't it?

Well...anyway...thanks to you all for your considerate counseling. I really appreciate that!

[Donnyboy]

well i agree with your friend. it sounds to me that you have decided to go anyway. ok. if you go, and see her, and tell her, yet again, that you arent after a long term relationship, she is gonna feel crappy.

if you go and post your pics after, she is still gonna feel crappy but at least she didnt get her hopes up by seeing you again.

if you come to thailand and dont go to chiang mai, then you have nothing to feel guilty for. and she will still feel crappy.

so either way you do it, she will feel crappy.

until farang #2 comes along

[MiG16]

the posts by the 2 girls Donna and Canadiangirl should already paint a very clear pic for you as to the outcome of this.

the way I see it from your response is:

1. either you are selfish and will still go see her, enjoy yourself with the pleasantness of her company...KNOWING full well that it will hurt her once you leave...with no further commitment

or

2. to give you the benefit of the doubt...perhaps you do want some kind of relationship with her if you can work out the practicalities?

even if it is the second case (I Have no way of knowing), it still wont do to go see her....unless you feel you are willing to make an effort to give a go at the relationship..distant as it may be. if your answer to this is no, then just leave her be.

dont give excuses about how hard or how bad it will look or how upset she will be to find out that you were in thailand but didnt see her.

one other option is to drop her an email letting her know you are in thailand, but will be travelling...no need to give details as to where, send her a postcard if you wish......and then towards the end of your stay give her a nice phone call....but PLEASE dont go see her

signed.....from another woman still in rational state

<the hint is...a lot of us women can become irrational when matters of the heart are concerned.....I know I am like that .....dont quite pause to think or reason...just act wearing our hearts on our sleeves>

you want to be nice to her..then leave her alone to come to terms with the fact there is no relationship, and there isnt going to be. you keep seeing her...and she will always hope.

I thought a bit about whether I should reply as my advice isnt really any different to what many others have already said...but then I figured if by adding a few lines of typing I can save a woman from more heartache...then perhaps the effort is worth these extra few minutes on the forum.

[Jersey_UK]

but personally I wouldn't feel right having a fling with someone who might be sleeping with me to entice me into something more serious, or whose standing in a fairly conservative culture has a good chance of being diminished by our affair, which could affect the rest of her life.

Obviously opinions do differ, and fair enuf.

But my advice to OP is go and see her, tell her you are still not interested in the B/F - G/F thing, but if she is still ready, willing and able then.........fill yer boots ..........Remember she IS an Adult, treat her as an equal, not like a small child - if she prepared to disregard any cultural reasons what's that matter to you? You've been honest and up front. She CAN make her own decisions.

If she doesn't want to rumble again, then no harm done - and you may well end up with a good mate in Thailand..........or a crack at some of her freinds

FWIW she probably is out to "speculate to accumulate" to some degree, but doesn't mean she don't also like you.

[qwertz]

You mentioned she is working in CM. As it so happens, that is where I live. Please PM me a pic and I will go have a drink with her and let you know my opinion soon thereafter.

wow. if i am OP and it were real life you would be picking your teeth off the floor.

Doubtful mate - you blow mostly hot air!!!!

fancy a get together son?

Careful Brit!

This boy comes from a dead 'ard bloodline.

He might just keelhaul yer dandos!

[Minburi]

WHats the worst that could happen if you see her? You realize that you do have feelings for her?

If you do avoid her then you will have doubts. Face the situation and see if it works out and where you stand. Don`t run away. Do one or the other. Stop talking to her making it where she feels your hinting you may get together and make it a clean break or keep seeing her and see where things lead. But do`n expect the best of both worlds its not fair to her.

[true blue]

go for it son your only young once {tit} enjoy yourself and the company of a suay young lady go with what your heart says and dont take live too serious you never no what next day brings

[qwertz]

OP, True Blue's advice is sound.

Just do it; you know you want to.

The late poet laureate, John Betjeman was interviewed shortly before his death.

He sat in a wheelchair and when the interviewer asked what regrets he had he replied:

"Just one, I regret not having had more women in my life and now it's impossible; I can only wish I had."

[kayo]

go for it son your only young once {tit} enjoy yourself and the company of a suay young lady go with what your heart says and dont take live too serious you never no what next day brings

Breakin up ain't ever easy. Don't leave her with any illusions though.

Have a good goodby bash (go out with a bang? ).

[Aujuba]

If you want a serious answer ...

Break up with her now if you think it can't develop from YOUR view. Break up or you will be playing with her heart and body and that only a selfish person would do.

That's your answer. Accept it or be selfish.

[Ping]

Perhaps TV should open a new 'Dear Abby' forum?

[qwertz]

Perhaps better not.

There's enough agonising as it is.

[Tinkelbell]

Who am I to give you advice. I, pesonally don't know you and your G/F. So here I 'm going to say....You should follow your guts. If things turn out good or bad, you have no one else to blame but yourself.

But there is one thing that keeps bothering me after reading your OP. As being a Thai, who was brought up in LOS, I couldn't help but wonder why she agreed to sleep with you (a foreigner) whom she just met less than a week ago. And how she went on the trips and spent many nights with you. What about her family ? They don't care when she gone away for days ? Doesn't she care about her reputation ?

Any good Thai girl is taugh at the young age to safe guard her virginity for her wedding night. It's been centuries old custom as any man from elite family or decent family would expect to get a virgin bride.

The ways she threw herself at you left a lot to be desired.

Sorry have to say right out considered that we're the same gender.

But want to point out there are different standards between the B/G and a girl from odinary family.

[canuckamuck]

Send her this note

Dear ______: My life is forever changed because I met you. You are so very special to me, and I will always remember the time we spent together. I know that your feelings for me are real. I know that if we lived in the same country we could have a chance at something very special. But I don’t live in Thailand, and I am on a different path than you. I know it is too late to keep you from being hurt, but I want to be honest with you. We cannot turn this into a lifetime together; you need to keep yourself free because the right man is out there. A man you can spend time with: a man who can help you build the kind of life you deserve. I know it hurts right now, I am crying while I write this, but this is the best for both of us. I will not write to you again, but I will remember you always.

Sincerely____________

[chiang mai]

A couple of years ago I met a 28 year old British lad in Bangkok who was on holiday and was having a lot of fun with the girls. Seemed like a decent enough kid, head was screwed on and seemed to understand the scene. We became friends and later I tried to help him with his career in accountancy - he was about two years away from professional certification. When he left to go back to the UK after his holiday he swore to me that he would remember his holiday in Thailand but wouldn't be coming back until the following year.

Some months later I received an email from him and it seems he had changed his mind. He'd come back to Thailand, fallen for a go go dancer who he swore was sweet and pure and was seeking my help in ways he could stay in Thailand and could I find him a job. His go go dancer love he told me had never been with a farang before and had only started work in the bar on the day they met. Needless to say I bowed out of the friendship at that point but not before trying to make him understand the error of his ways.

About one year later he emailed me to say that he was back in the UK and that the relationship had turned sour and at some point he had seen the error of his ways and was last heard of trying to find work and resume his career. She it turns out had a young son who was half Thai and half farang, the father being from Germany and during my friends relationship with her she had a habit of disappearing "to her village" every six or seven weeks for about ten days at a time.

So what's all this got to do with the price of beef? The message is quite simply, things here are rarely what they seem to be a first glance, and, if you see it with your own eyes you can believe it, if you do not you should not.