My Inlaws Are Driving Me Demented

[garro]

I normally get on well with my wife's family and because she is the youngest her parents are already taken care of by her older siblings. I have never needed to give them any money and even when we got married they didn't expect anything. We live in the same village and so see a lot of each other but that has never been an issue.

The problem is that since my baby was born a week ago we have spent every waking second together with at least one of my wife's family. My mother-in-law has now taking up residence in our house because my wife is sleeping on a bed with a fire underneath which her mum keeps alight; apparently it is believed to help the mother heal after childbirth and is very common in this area.

Everywhere I go her family seem to be there and they are driving me nuts. I feel guilty everytime they look at me using the computer because I am convinced they think I should be doing something more productive. To make matters worse one of my feet has swollen up (probably from a bite) and I can't put weight on it but they probably think I am just being lazy.

I know that they are helping my wife, although I am very dubious about the 'fire-bed' which they want her to stay on for three weeks! Two more weeks of her mother!

I just thought I would let off some steam her on TV and hopefully this will prevent me from sharing my feelings with her family.

Anyone else been through this?

[meadish_sweetball]

I feel your pain.

It is normal that the entire extended family get involved when a new child is born. The same thing is happening in my wife's family now that her cousin has had a baby. I tried to discuss this with her, saying I am not sure if I want everyone from her family to be able to come and check our baby out for the day any time they like, as seems to be the case with the newest baby in the family.

I guess this is one occasion where one will feel very clearly the differences in culture. Thai culture is much more collective/family oriented... Not sure I have any good advice. Of course you can put your (swollen) foot down and lay down the law, but you may risk sour relations if doing so.

As for your foot, you need antibiotics and anti-inflammatory drugs - just go to the hospital (could be a good excuse to get away for a while ). If you let it stay swollen it can get quite bad. I had a similar problem from a tiny little sandal blister 4 years ago. It got so swollen I couldn't walk or put a shoe on it. My doctor in Sweden scolded me for not going to the hospital earlier when he saw the state I was in.

[lazeeboy]

I feel your pain.

It is normal that the entire extended family get involved when a new child is born. The same thing is happening in my wife's family now that her cousin has had a baby. I tried to discuss this with her, saying I am not sure if I want everyone from her family to be able to come and check our baby out for the day any time they like, as seems to be the case with the newest baby in the family.

I guess this is one occasion where one will feel very clearly the differences in culture. Thai culture is much more collective/family oriented... Not sure I have any good advice. Of course you can put your (swollen) foot down and lay down the law, but you may risk sour relations if doing so.

As for your foot, you need antibiotics and anti-inflammatory drugs - just go to the hospital (could be a good excuse to get away for a while ). If you let it stay swollen it can get quite bad. I had a similar problem from a tiny little sandal blister 4 years ago. It got so swollen I couldn't walk or put a shoe on it. My doctor in Sweden scolded me for not going to the hospital earlier when he saw the state I was in.

fire under the bed ,never heard of that one ,then we are in thailand

[garro]

Thanks Meadish, I know that I am being unreasonable but lack of sleep is making more touchy than normal. This is not helped by the fact that my one year old niece has made it her mission to break everything in our house and nobody else seems bothered by this.

I had the same problem with my foot three years ago at Songkran but it resolved itself after a few days. I am reluctant to take more anti-biotics as I just recently completed a course of them.

[meadish_sweetball]

The fire under the bed is part of a Thai belief that the mother should be kept warm for approximately a month after childbirth ('yuu fai' in Central Thai, 'yuu duean' in Northern Thai). This also involves wearing heavy clothes when going outside. Not very comfortable - women who happen to give birth in the cool season are lucky.

The belief is that women who do not undergo this period will go earlier into menopause and be more sickly in old age.

[sceadugenga]

Why don't you "do a runner" for a few weeks? Go somewhere you've fancied seeing, stay with a mate in another part of the country or visit the family in the "old country".

By the sound of things they probably won't even notice your gone.

[bdenner]

................

I know that they are helping my wife, although I am very dubious about the 'fire-bed' which they want her to stay on for three weeks! Two more weeks of her mother!

Anyone else been through this?

Three weeks is a bit over the top, from what I've seen it's normally about 7 days. Supposed to help thin the blood stopping any clots from forming and causing problems. They tried to do it to me after I speared TWs Honda Wave in -- no way!!

As for the family - things will settle when the novalty wears off. Just grin and bear it!

My two satangs worth!

[garro]

Why don't you "do a runner" for a few weeks? Go somewhere you've fancied seeing, stay with a mate in another part of the country or visit the family in the "old country".

By the sound of things they probably won't even notice your gone.

I needed to go to the shops yesterday and my wife's mother made me feel like a I was abandonong my wife and child, so going on holidays probably wouldn't go down well.

[technocracy]

fire under the bed ,never heard of that one ,then we are in thailand

Yep it's the norm in Laos (so I guess northern Thailand as well) they have a special wooden bed on which the mother sits and a fire is lit underneath.

The fire is supposedly to heal the vagina to heal back to normal size and shape - I don't quite see how it works!

My wife is just over 3 months pregnant and we told her family after the 3 month scan last week and the wooden bed with fire was being discussed then. As she'll be giving birth in AEK in Udon and stay in there for a few nights after the birth - we'll at least be away from any crowds for the birth.

I have the same concerns about the house being decended on by everyone and anyone who decides to turn up any time of day when the little one arrives. I don't mind folks visiting but it's the I'll just do whatever we want attitude that does my head in.

I intend to pre-empt any stupidity by laying some ground rules before the baby arrives on when/how many inlaws should turn up. Since it's our first baby and pretty much all inlaws of hers have had babies already there is no doubt there will be the we know better than you crap - which if I see I will kick there <deleted> out quicker than they know it!

You need to be firm with them and make them realise your feelings also and I guess you're quite happy to spend time alone taking care of your wife and baby.

[kat]

I'm really curious about their custom of "fire under the bed." I've heard about other Asian beliefs in terms of keeping the womb warm, and not drinking anything cold. I think they may be unto something, and it may not be as far fetched as it looks.

*for example, during a woman's monthly cycle, a good and reliable remedy to stop menstrual cramps - basically contractions - was to fill a hot water bottle with heated water and place it on the abdomen. It works like a charm. I imagine that the constant fire must be a way to soothe her womb, which allows her to rest and sweat out impurities and the baby fat. I'm kind of envious of their fire under the bed. At least they do it for a reason that is constructive and healthy for the mother, rather than simply banishing her to the barn with the animals, like in some other cultures.

BTW GArro, congratulations on your new baby

Edited August 14, 2007 by kat

[Wash]

garro,

It is not your inlaws but rather the customs that are in your face now and you just need find a way to survive and all will end up OK. It is quite normal in our part of the country, Isaan, to use a fire bed for many different things and provides comfort for those making and tending the fire at the least. Not sure I want the extra heat myself, but have seen it used for many aches and pains. It is normal for women after birthing to have isolation and fire bed for 3 weeks and for family to pay much attention to the new arrival. It too will pass and after 3 weeks things will quickly return to normal. I do not envy you the young one breaking everything with no one seeming to pay attention. I would seperate that issue from the rest of what is going on around you and see that the parents of that child are cautioned that they will have to pay for anything the child breaks and that her behaviour is not acceptable in your house.

They will not resent you for protecting your residence and you will feel a lot better for having said something. Word will spread and all will know that they have to respect your property. I have one nephew that is not allowed in our house at all because of similar actions and in addition he started stealing things from the house. I will no longer permit him in the house and it is well understood by all when they see him peering in the doorway while everyone else is inside.

As far as your swollen foot, advice prefiously given is valid, but another thought would be to get in the hot fire bed with wife and see if the treatment will help your fat foot.

For sure you will have to be patient and wait for this period to pass and then you will be able to fully enjoy your new young one.

[LaoPo]

Would you accept the same attitude from your own family, back home ?

It's YOU & your wife+new born who counts, not the family-in-law, whatever the local customs.

How many women are giving birth and have a fire under their beds in COLD countries ?

LaoPo

[JimsKnight]

Thats the thing about marrying into thai society garro, you don't just marry the girl, you 'marry' the family as well!

Chin up, they'll be gone before long

[brahmburgers]

I just hope the extended family just visits and doesn't move in permanently - as so often happens - especially with a farang in the picture (they really think farang are never hurting for money, because they can always go and get a fistful of 1,000 baht bills at the ATM).

Dear Garro, you sound like a very nice guy, which makes it easier to get taken advantage of.

I live solo in a rural place and none of my Thai neighbors like me, and that stems from the fact that when they make annoying loud noises, I let them know. It's quieter around here (less noise, more frowns, so be it).

Actually, my immigrant Lao neighbors and I love each other, but that's because we're considerate and sweet with each other.

sorry about your foot - hope you get it patched up soon. ...and the niece with the spirit of a bull in a china shop - I don't know what advice to give for her.

[RueFang]

I too share your pain. I've been living with my mother-in-law for 2 years! She drives me absolutely nuts but I try to think of it as character strengthening! If I was in my own country there's no way I could have held my tongue so often, but here it is incredibly disrespectful to have strong words with elders, especially your in-laws, and my partner would majorly loose face if there was a confrontation.

LaoPo - "Would you accept the same attitude from your own family, back home ?" - the point is he's not back home, it's not Thai culture to hide away after a birth and to do so would cause some major damage to family relations. It's their time to bond with the new arrival too. Thais don't have the same family boundaries that we do (read: need for privacy), all they are thinking is that they have a new family member and want to help take care of and enjoy it.

Good luck with it, I don't think the situation will change for quite a while though, until the next baby in the family is born!

[Totster]

Dear Garro, you sound like a very nice guy, which makes it easier to get taken advantage of.

I don't think it's right to think the family are taking advantage of him, as Meadish and others have pointed out this is the normal custom that they would do when anyone gives birth... not just to "take advantage" of some poor unsuspecting farang father.

totster

[Sanpatong]

Ok, allow me to shed some light on things and add perspective.

We live in the same village and so see a lot of each other but that has never been an issue.

Same village is indeed a bit on the close side, but basically you and your wife ARE LUCKY to have easy access to assistance from relatives. MANY Westerners live in a completely different area from their partner's family, and that means it's far harder for family to connect, and when they DO manage to arrive they will need more assistence finding their way around. Much better to stay in the same general area (if not exactly the same village; 10-20 kms is a good distance) as your wife. (Or of course marry someone who's actually from the area where you already chose to live)

The problem is that since my baby was born a week ago we have spent every waking second together with at least one of my wife's family. My mother-in-law has now taking up residence in our house because my wife is sleeping on a bed with a fire underneath which her mum keeps alight;

Also note how they dress the baby up as if it needed to go on a polar expedition. Just let it go, you're the man, you're not supposed or expected to know.

I feel guilty everytime they look at me using the computer because I am convinced they think I should be doing something more productive.

Ah, this is really the only thing you're completely wrong about (well, that and not getting medical attention for your foot) : Again, THIS IS THAILAND. YOU are the man. You are NOT expected to change diapers or any of that crap. THIS IS WHY the family is here, so that you don't have to bother with those things. Really you're vastly exceeding expectations if you're just there for you wife and tell her what a wonderful job she's done, plus perhaps run the occasional errand.

I know that they are helping my wife, although I am very dubious about the 'fire-bed' which they want her to stay on for three weeks! Two more weeks of her mother!

You will learn to recognize it as a blessing. It means you and your wife can still have somewhat of a life when you feel like it, and have easy access to grandma to fuss with the baby, which probably brings her great joy as well. Let her enjoy it, it's a special time for her as well.

Or, in summary: DONT THINK TO MUCH. (and go see a doctor)

[LaoPo]

I too share your pain. I've been living with my mother-in-law for 2 years! She drives me absolutely nuts but I try to think of it as character strengthening! If I was in my own country there's no way I could have held my tongue so often, but here it is incredibly disrespectful to have strong words with elders, especially your in-laws, and my partner would majorly loose face if there was a confrontation.

LaoPo - "Would you accept the same attitude from your own family, back home ?" - the point is he's not back home, it's not Thai culture to hide away after a birth and to do so would cause some major damage to family relations. It's their time to bond with the new arrival too. Thais don't have the same family boundaries that we do (read: need for privacy), all they are thinking is that they have a new family member and want to help take care of and enjoy it.

Good luck with it, I don't think the situation will change for quite a while though, until the next baby in the family is born!

With all respect, RueFang, but there are limits and if you accept your mother-in-law for 2 years, living in your house, it says something about yourself and your acceptance of the culture you're living in. That doesn't mean everything is acceptable to the 'foreign' partner.

If someone (like myself) is married into another culture there should be (or created) a balance & acceptance between the two partners & cultures.

That's the challenge between the two partners.

If the foreign partner accepts everything the local partner tells him/her that that is local custom, it's up to the partner to go along with that or not. The OP didn't stand up for himself to begin with, reading his message.

No matter the culture.

I, for instance, go along a long way with the customs and culture of my wife, but there is a line I will not cross: my own self-esteem, believes, politeness, culture and privacy, together with the same of my wife.

If my family-in-law has a problem with that, I'm sorry, but it is the marriage of my wife and myself and WE decide, together, what will be best for US, not the family or local customs.

It's about mutual respect, also from the side of the family-in-law.

LaoPo

[t.s]

it will get better, mine came to bangkok for two weeks and destroyed a set of high-end restaurant grade stainless cookware. how i have no idea as i have owned it for 5+ years without incident.

They also managed to knock things (art -sculpture) over that has been in its place in the house for as many years without incident.

i finally put the art away and bought them a cheap set of pots, all were happy. they also made a concerted effort to help without being underfoot after that. once the initial excitement of the baby calmed down somewhat, they realised it was my home they were trampling.

All i have to say is thank god my kitchen is in an outbuilding as opposed to the main house.

as for the non fai, many do it, while it is an issan thing, there are services even in bangkok that will come to your home and help your wife. mine had someone every day for a week. it included creams, massages balms and steams/saunas.

I say the woman has just given birth after 9 months of hel_l. if she wants a two week massage, indulge her. my partner certainly looked and felt better once it was done.

[garro]

Thanks for the great advice.

I went to our village health center and they have given me some anti-inflammatories and told be to keep my foot elevated, so I feel less guilty about doing nothing.

As people have posted three weeks isn't a long time and if it keeps wifey happy it will be worth it.

[farang prince]

I normally get on well with my wife's family and because she is the youngest her parents are already taken care of by her older siblings. I have never needed to give them any money and even when we got married they didn't expect anything. We live in the same village and so see a lot of each other but that has never been an issue.

The problem is that since my baby was born a week ago we have spent every waking second together with at least one of my wife's family. My mother-in-law has now taking up residence in our house because my wife is sleeping on a bed with a fire underneath which her mum keeps alight; apparently it is believed to help the mother heal after childbirth and is very common in this area.

Everywhere I go her family seem to be there and they are driving me nuts. I feel guilty everytime they look at me using the computer because I am convinced they think I should be doing something more productive. To make matters worse one of my feet has swollen up (probably from a bite) and I can't put weight on it but they probably think I am just being lazy.

I know that they are helping my wife, although I am very dubious about the 'fire-bed' which they want her to stay on for three weeks! Two more weeks of her mother!

I just thought I would let off some steam her on TV and hopefully this will prevent me from sharing my feelings with her family.

Anyone else been through this?

Congratulations Papa!!!! This should be one of the most exciting times of your life. So don't let your emotions ruin the day. Let the in-laws hang around as long as they want. Be there to give your wife cool towels and cold drinks of water. Look fondly at your mother-in-law. Be happy...this is a blessed event. (And grab as much sleep as you can on the sly!!!!!) In 18 years you will look back at this as one of the best times of your life.

[meemiathai]

Ok, allow me to shed some light on things and add perspective.

We live in the same village and so see a lot of each other but that has never been an issue.

Same village is indeed a bit on the close side, but basically you and your wife ARE LUCKY to have easy access to assistance from relatives. MANY Westerners live in a completely different area from their partner's family, and that means it's far harder for family to connect, and when they DO manage to arrive they will need more assistence finding their way around. Much better to stay in the same general area (if not exactly the same village; 10-20 kms is a good distance) as your wife. (Or of course marry someone who's actually from the area where you already chose to live)

The problem is that since my baby was born a week ago we have spent every waking second together with at least one of my wife's family. My mother-in-law has now taking up residence in our house because my wife is sleeping on a bed with a fire underneath which her mum keeps alight;

Also note how they dress the baby up as if it needed to go on a polar expedition. Just let it go, you're the man, you're not supposed or expected to know.

I feel guilty everytime they look at me using the computer because I am convinced they think I should be doing something more productive.

Ah, this is really the only thing you're completely wrong about (well, that and not getting medical attention for your foot) : Again, THIS IS THAILAND. YOU are the man. You are NOT expected to change diapers or any of that crap. THIS IS WHY the family is here, so that you don't have to bother with those things. Really you're vastly exceeding expectations if you're just there for you wife and tell her what a wonderful job she's done, plus perhaps run the occasional errand.

I know that they are helping my wife, although I am very dubious about the 'fire-bed' which they want her to stay on for three weeks! Two more weeks of her mother!

You will learn to recognize it as a blessing. It means you and your wife can still have somewhat of a life when you feel like it, and have easy access to grandma to fuss with the baby, which probably brings her great joy as well. Let her enjoy it, it's a special time for her as well.

Or, in summary: DONT THINK TO MUCH. (and go see a doctor)

Excellent post!

[soundman]

Garro, I'm feeling for you brother.

Been through it twice. Wife wasn't allowed out if the house for a month. Every day some ancient old hag comes around & puts wife inside a "hot box" filled with steaming herbs for about an hour. She has to eat the same meal of ginger & shredded pork morning, noon & evening.

Combined with post natal depression wife becomes totally schizoid.

Don't take it to heart too much. Another two & half weeks & things should return to normal - bar the night feedings, nappies, baby shit & general lack of sleep.

Keep your chin up mate! Its worth it in the long run.....

Soundman.

[t.s]

Keep your chin up mate! Its worth it in the long run.....

it really is.

congratulations.

[philrtw]

Congratulations, Had same discussion with wife over the fire bed when she was pregnant, family wanted her to stay in the village (we live in main city). Solved the problem by getting a home spa (Hot Box) she just used it 20-30 minutes per day, can get these in many big supermarkets. Family, well they will slowly go back to their own lives in the next few weeks, especially if you can show that you can cope with the baby yourselves. Just hang in there, & enjoy this moment.

[sigmondfreed]

Not meaning to sound too much like the shrink that I am, but...

Nobody 'makes you feel...' anything. You are responsible for your emotions. Your mother-in-law has no more power to 'drive you crazy' than anyone else, it is how you interpret what she (or anyone) does that leads to your emotional response.

Most likely, your are sub-vocally saying to yourself, 'they are doing things which are not right (according to my beliefs) and SHOULD BE smart enough to change their views or come around to MY beliefs'.

When you honestly value their opinion as equally valid as your own, then your anger and feeling of frustration will be moderated.

After all, where is the conclusive proof that putting a post-maturnity woman into a hotbox DOESN'T have some beneficial effect? Isn't that your wife's decision to make, after all?

If you honestly don't think you are valued, then leave and test that hypothesis. If you are not valued, then nobody will try to get you to return, and if that happens, do you want to stay in that sort of situation?

If you are valued, then your absence can likely stimuate discussion as to why you left. This gives you an opportunity to express your views with your wife (and, perhaps, her family).

Regarding your 1 year old niece...why didn't YOU stop her from breaking stuff? If you witnessed it about to occur and did nothing, aren't you equally to blaime?

Please understand, I am not trying to be rude. Rather, I am trying to offer constructive advise on a means of 'doing something' within a multi-cultural framework which does not require you to disown your own behavioral responsibility.

Take care and good luck!

[esbobes]

Thats the thing about marrying into thai society garro, you don't just marry the girl, you 'marry' the family as well!

Chin up, they'll be gone before long

Stop this at once or your baby shall grow up as the rest of the familiy. If the the familiy is rich and hard working no problem. I f the familiy is poor then you baby is in trouble. Your mother in law is afraid the baby will not be like the familiy you know the familiy sorry I don't.

[tijnebijn]

Nobody ever thought about the idea that these customs might actually work ?

In my wife's family it also a custom , they do not do it only just because it is a custom , maybe the Op should study

Thai wisdom and Thai medicine , it is so fascinating . The woman don't get fat because of the steaming....

maybe you should be happy instead .....

[esbobes]

Dear Garro, you sound like a very nice guy, which makes it easier to get taken advantage of.

I don't think it's right to think the family are taking advantage of him, as Meadish and others have pointed out this is the normal custom that they would do when anyone gives birth... not just to "take advantage" of some poor unsuspecting farang father.

totster

Please remeber if the father was Thai like I he would leave this only works with stupid rich farangs. My sisters and aunts as well as my mom knowns this Wake up rich farangs

[STOUTBOY]

Move then, Thailand is a large Country.