Do You Like Your Thai Mother-in-law?

[garro]

I had grown fond of my mother-in-law over the years, and saw here as a sweet little thing who was always smiling or laughing. We lived in the same village but didn't spend too much time together. This changed when my baby was born two weeks ago and she decided to stay with us so that she could 'help out'.

Since then we have spent almost every waking minute together and due to the baby not sleeping this means a lot of minutes. She has completely take over our house and even her breathing is beginning to grate on my nerves. The most annoying thing she does is open our shutters at 0600 in the morning even though my wife an I have had less than an hour of sleep overnight. We don't have a door on our house so once the shutters are up we are open to the world to visit, and they do.

When the baby cries she wanders around the house talking to ghosts. I have nothing against her beliefs and she may even be right but wouldn't it be more effective given us a hand with the baby.

We were expecting her to return to her own house last monday but she decided it was an unlucky day an is staying till sunday. She is also really annoying my wife who feels powerless to complain.

Do you like your Thai mother-in-law?

[jumnien]

Sorry for your difficult times with the newborn and all, it will get easier. Sounds like you might have to gently change the situation regarding having the mother in law around. Or maybe your perspective will change, who knows?

I love my mother in law. I cannot sing enough praises about her. Her mother is pretty cool too. She came to live with us for a year when the baby was born and I kept bribing her to stay but alas she is back at home now. She is a boddhitsava for sure!

[El Taco Loco]

Can't stand her. She is a blood and money sucker and a nok song hua.

[Aujuba]

She's a nice person. She's 76. She's quite worn for her age but she is fully aware of what's going on around the village. Most of her day she just sits in one spot at my sister-in-law's house and chews 'Mak' At night she sleeps with my stepdaughter in her bedroom. The kids and their cousins all love their grandmother very much.

[Jimjim]

I might like her if I had one.

[garro]

Sorry for your difficult times with the newborn and all, it will get easier. Sounds like you might have to gently change the situation regarding having the mother in law around. Or maybe your perspective will change, who knows?

I love my mother in law. I cannot sing enough praises about her. Her mother is pretty cool too. She came to live with us for a year when the baby was born and I kept bribing her to stay but alas she is back at home now. She is a boddhitsava for sure!

You're lucky. I have developed a whole lot more respect for my father-in-law who spends most of his time alone on his bit of land. If his wife doesn't leave on Sunday I could be tempted to join him and take my wife and new baby with me.

Edited August 22, 2007 by garro

[Ricardo]

Rather than your mother-in-law, who sounds to be reacting in a very normal way to the arrival of your new baby (Congratulations !) , I suspect that your problem is more rooted in the changes in your life, which the new baby will involve.

You are no-longer number-one in your house. Get used to this - as it will not change for at least the next 20 years ! Try grabbing 20-winks in the afternoon, or doing turn-and-turn-about in looking after the baby, working as a team so that each of you gets more of a break. It is all part of marriage & fatherhood.

The spooky mother-in-law visits may tail-off, after the first month or so, meanwhile she is trying (and 'trying' is the word !) to be supportive, so you have to go along with the culture on this. Once things settle-down, try suggesting a short holiday away to your wife, this gets you some private-time and helps you to make the next discovery, that you now no-longer have holidays as such, just trips away from main-base, with all the equipment your baby needs and the familiar surroundings.

You will have heard that you don't just marry your wife, here in Thailand, you also marry the family as well. This is very true, but may come as a suprise to a farang, relax and you will eventually get more used to it.

Good Luck !

[garro]

Rather than your mother-in-law, who sounds to be reacting in a very normal way to the arrival of your new baby (Congratulations !) , I suspect that your problem is more rooted in the changes in your life, which the new baby will involve.

You are no-longer number-one in your house. Get used to this - as it will not change for at least the next 20 years ! Try grabbing 20-winks in the afternoon, or doing turn-and-turn-about in looking after the baby, working as a team so that each of you gets more of a break. It is all part of marriage & fatherhood.

The spooky mother-in-law visits may tail-off, after the first month or so, meanwhile she is trying (and 'trying' is the word !) to be supportive, so you have to go along with the culture on this. Once things settle-down, try suggesting a short holiday away to your wife, this gets you some private-time and helps you to make the next discovery, that you now no-longer have holidays as such, just trips away from main-base, with all the equipment your baby needs and the familiar surroundings.

You will have heard that you don't just marry your wife, here in Thailand, you also marry the family as well. This is very true, but may come as a suprise to a farang, relax and you will eventually get more used to it.

Good Luck !

Thanks Ricardo and you do make sense. I just feel like having a moan.

[RueFang]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Not that I feel passionately about it or anything! I think the only people that like their MIL don't have to live with them. Complete control freak, asks 50 questions the second we step outside the house (where are you going, how long will you be, don't be long, why are you going.....). Never smiles, never laughs, never a good thing to say. My father in law is the complete opposite, always laughing and joking around, really generous and complimentary. I have never understood how they have been happily married for 40 years.

Guess I needed to have a moan too!!

[tuky]

You are no-longer number-one in your house. Get used to this - as it will not change for at least the next 20 years !

Good Luck !

Ricardo is 100% correct mate, unless you do something about this now you will have the next 20 years with your mother in law staying.

It happened to me and I have since moved out because I could not get her out. She would leave for a few days after i had told the wife to get her out, but she would pop back in, then stay longer each day until she had fully moved back in again.

Get rid of her before you end having to leave.

Sorry if I sound annoyed, but I am. I read your previous thread when your baby was newly born (Congrats mate) and I commented there too...

It sounds exactly what happened to me mate, everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, everything I did she was there telling me I am doing it wrong, I can't do this, that or the other, I am stupid for buying Marlboro when L&M are cheaper I am wasting money, why eat out when eating in is cheaper. Well I had no choice but to take off and stop giving her free meals.

Just like you my Father in Law spends all of his time as far away from the MiL as he can get, that woman never shuts up, not even when everyone is making a show of ignoring her she still won't shut her trap...l

Incase you haven't noticed I have a very big MiL problem

I wish you hadn't got me started on Mothers in Law mate...

[cdnvic]

My mother in law is great. Even when we live in Thailand she leaves us alone (but is extremely happy when we visit), and for her to come stay with us now would require me to sign for her visa

All in all, I think I lucked out with in-laws.

[thai_narak]

i think i'm one of the lucky ones here aye? my mother in law is super! she cooks all of my favorite food, work around the house/shop the whole day, goes to the market, and we (me and mrs) are the ones who keeps asking her not to do this and that and let the maid do it. she never listen...

[garro]

You are no-longer number-one in your house. Get used to this - as it will not change for at least the next 20 years !

Good Luck !

Ricardo is 100% correct mate, unless you do something about this now you will have the next 20 years with your mother in law staying.

It happened to me and I have since moved out because I could not get her out. She would leave for a few days after i had told the wife to get her out, but she would pop back in, then stay longer each day until she had fully moved back in again.

Get rid of her before you end having to leave.

Sorry if I sound annoyed, but I am. I read your previous thread when your baby was newly born (Congrats mate) and I commented there too...

It sounds exactly what happened to me mate, everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, everything I did she was there telling me I am doing it wrong, I can't do this, that or the other, I am stupid for buying Marlboro when L&M are cheaper I am wasting money, why eat out when eating in is cheaper. Well I had no choice but to take off and stop giving her free meals.

Just like you my Father in Law spends all of his time as far away from the MiL as he can get, that woman never shuts up, not even when everyone is making a show of ignoring her she still won't shut her trap...l

Incase you haven't noticed I have a very big MiL problem

I wish you hadn't got me started on Mothers in Law mate...

Sorry for reminding you tuky, especially as it is so early in the day. I am fairly certain she will move out as she has other young grandchildren to care for. I would probably be getting on with her a whole lot better if I wasn't so tired.

[nidge]

I have a new baby too and my ML is incredibly supportive. I would not swap her for anyone. We have ghost problems occasionally and i just let my wife and ML get on with it. Once the ghost(s) has been appeased (?), everything is ok again.

Try not to show your ML that you are not happy with her or her actions, she will be a valuable ally in the future with your child. Remember, if you are bringing your child up in thailand they are more likely to have the same beliefs as your ML than yours. You will end up being the bad apple.

Good luck!

[Heng]

Yeah, she's nice enough. Even better though, I'm very happy that my wife gets along well with my mother (that's the more common friction point -daughter in law + mother in law- in a lot of local marriages). Sometimes they'll be out shopping together and some market vendor will volunteer something like "that's so nice that you're out with your mother in law.... there's NO WAY I'd be out with mine. No way." (or usually some other colorful market place language type comment)

[garro]

I have a new baby too and my ML is incredibly supportive. I would not swap her for anyone. We have ghost problems occasionally and i just let my wife and ML get on with it. Once the ghost(s) has been appeased (?), everything is ok again.

Try not to show your ML that you are not happy with her or her actions, she will be a valuable ally in the future with your child. Remember, if you are bringing your child up in thailand they are more likely to have the same beliefs as your ML than yours. You will end up being the bad apple.

Good luck!

Sorry nidge but there is actually a bit more to it than me being culturally insensitive. I trained as a nurse and some of the practices my mother-in-law follows worries me. When we were having trouble breastfeeding our new baby my ML was going to mix our babies feed with rain water, this despite the fact that two of her children have hepatatis B.

I am always careful to respect my wife's families beliefs and I share many of their more Buddhist ones. I do however also believe that not feeding children dirty water is far more beneficial for the prevention of Heb B than appealing to ghosts.

I am also concerned with the way my ML handles young children and this concern is shared by my Thai brother-in-law who completely flipped when he saw the way she was shaking his child. My ML seems to think that giving a young infant a good shake is lucky despite the number of deaths in the world from 'shaken baby syndrome'. Cultural beliefs or not she will not be doing this to my baby.

All cultures have practices which later turn out to be detremental to our health and it is not enough just to say you got to respect the culture. If this was the case we would all still be living bare-arsed in caves.

Edited August 22, 2007 by garro

[mrtoad]

I like her very much, because she lives about 300 miles away from here.

[El Taco Loco]

You think that is weird.

My MIL kissed my son's balls when he was brought home from birth. Now THAT freaked me out!

Culturally sensitive is one thing. But your house is your castle and MILs need to be reminded of such.

I remind mine, quite often, that I am not Thai. I respect their culture, but I do not have to agree with it.

[Ricardo]

Thanks Ricardo and you do make sense. I just feel like having a moan.

That's why men/fathers invented pubs & ThaiVisa forums !

[pgs]

Mine is wonderful! Love her to bits. Couldn't ask for better.

Her sisters are all great with me also.

Sadly, dadThai passed a number of years before I met the family.

We are about 150M from her home.

It's mainly the young nieces & nephews looking for $ that they can't get from their parents that become a problem.

All above views are purely my own & I bear full responsibility for them.

This announcement was NOT paid for by TW. ;-)

Edited August 22, 2007 by pgs

[meemiathai]

My whole family in law is great! Even the brother has now become so much better from before after his marriage and the birth of a little boy. I feel really lucky!

[tutsiwarrior]

mom-in-law lives in the shop house next door and performs an invaluable function by looking after the stepdaughter and other nieces when the parents are elsewhere working. For this purpose she receives an allowance from me when me and the wife are away sufficient to cover all expenses with a bit extra. My wife takes over the role when she is at home.

She's late 60s and well organised; managed to coordinate effectively when two of the girls had emergency appendectomies enlisting available family to assist with the necessary. She likes a drink and her and the wife squabble when she's had too much...don't bother me none...she likes giving her falang son-in-law massages...

[jackspratt]

No! She is a controlling old harradin.

Unfortunately I am living in her house, so need to put up with her for the time being.

It would be terribly sad if she got sick and........................

[lannarebirth]

I like my MIL. She's got a bit of dementia and I was shocked last month when she called me by my name for the first time in 3 years(instead of just "the falang". She never gets in the way with household duties, she get's a big government pension which pays for the gorl that looks after her. Bought her a piano last year with her excess funds, which she loves). She is devoted to my dog, who she calls "aek". Biggest problem we have with her is that she likes to wander off sometimes, but we've got a good network of helpers and spies to take care.

garro.

for the next short while, try to be as understanding as possible about your MIL being around, then KICK HER OUT! Do not let the superstition that controls her life infect your child. These cross cultural families can be so wonderful when the best attributes of each culture find their way to the children. When the worst of each culture attaches to the child, it will make for a difficult life.

Edited August 22, 2007 by lannarebirth

[pumpuiman]

Crazy about her. Couldn't be sweeter.

[qualtrough]

I am blessed with a wonderful Thai mother-in-law. Dotes on our kids, close to my wife, leaves us plenty of space (never comes in the house), bought my wife a car, gives us free veggies every day, I could go on. Father-in-law is a gem too. Won the lottery on that one I guess.

[sukanyacondo]

Yes my wife keeps her inside her handbag and takes her out as necessary ( not often, usually looking for something else)

[Suszzy]

Can't stand her. She is a blood and money sucker and a nok song hua.

i couldn't stop laughing when i saw this word..nok song hua!!

it has been such a long time since i've heard this one

i guess you're fluent in thai..aren't you?

[lazeeboy]

Can't stand her. She is a blood and money sucker and a nok song hua.

i couldn't stop laughing when i saw this word..nok song hua!!

it has been such a long time since i've heard this one

i guess you're fluent in thai..aren't you?

my mother inlaw is great funny happy and living in tak

[ludosiam]

Hi Garro, in your situation I would make a trip to somewhere, baby and wife just to get a break from the mother in law. I like mine, but keeping my freedom by living not too close.