Thursday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hel_l): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.

"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.

His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a ######in' microwave?"

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to his mom and dads for the night.

In the morning, little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

"No."

Johnny asks his mom, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK! OK!!" What do you think?

He says, "Well, last night Fred came and asked for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane superglue

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of > fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 o off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.

I lied.

I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw

two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his

driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We

have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed

you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,

under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he

stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a

wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car

as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor

fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you

for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through

the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming

home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."