I think I have become too attached to one girl

Hello everyone. Been in and out of Thailand for a long time, but this is my first time posting here. I know this subject might trigger some people, but that isn’t my intention. I am hoping for some helpful feedback from anyone who might have been in a similar situation at some point.

I stopped dating in Thailand around 10 years ago. It seems I finally figured out that relationships aren’t my thing. Just been keeping things simple and sticking with mostly short, paid encounters since then. This way I don’t start to form any attachments. The downside is that it can be pretty hit or miss. Can’t say I am always over the moon with who I end up spending time with. But take the good with the bad. It’s part of the deal. The variety is really nice. One can change their partner as regularly as they want.

Sometimes I feel like I am living a dream in Bangkok when I think about how so many others like me in other parts of the world probably haven’t gotten a leg over in years, and yet I can do so as much as I want, with no limitation on the number of partners and with very little effort. It is not all roses though. Some do end up being real duds and a total disappointment, so when I do find one I like, I try and keep in contact to meet again.

I used to try and end up with about 3 in a rotation that I could call on. It would keep it interesting enough with still some variety, but without the disappointments of always changing service providers. I would often end up meeting one about 7 or 8 times before I would normally fully cut it off.

Eventually they all need to come to an end before the girl might start getting her hopes up, start telling you about all her problems, or asking for extra money. The contact will have to end eventually anyway, so it seems like the sooner the better.

But then over the last couple of years I changed my MO a bit. I started getting lazier about looking for replacements, so I have been seeing the same girl once or twice a week for the last 2 years. Completely unintentional. It just went that way on its own.

And she isn’t a local girl either, which means she has additional problems with visas, police and immigration which adds instability to the scenario that the local girls don’t have. In fact, it is rare that one of these girls remains available for that long, given the fluid, challenging and unpredictable nature of their situations.

The good thing is that she gave up any expectation of this becoming anything more with me a long time ago. Of course I have asked myself the question of what it would be like if I were to get serious with her. Always fun to play those mind games with yourself.

But it is impossible. There is never anything to talk about with her. She knows little about the world, her English is pretty poor and doesn't really improve over time. And she doesn’t seem like the sharpest tool in the box. So explaining anything to her is always a challenge. Maybe that is one reason it has gone on as long as it has. Never much in depth dialogue. Nor does she try and work any angles on me. It stays pretty mechanical.

At the same time she is not overly good looking. And she is far from being a stellar performer, so sometimes I even wonder why I am so drawn in. But there is something about her physically that has me somewhat obsessed. I also feel very relaxed with her, I guess, and so it continues on.

Over the last two years I have been with a number of other girls in between, many have been better looking ones, thinking I might change the lineup, but I seem to keep going back to her, sometimes after a few weeks or a month, and then it starts becoming regular again.

The thing that I am struggling with now is how will I deal with it when it eventually ends like all the others?

This one will be harder. I am sort of addicted, but in a way I never thought I would be. I knew I would never become emotionally attached to one of these girls, nor do I have any of that knight in shining armor syndrome left in me, but being physically attached like this is not something I ever expected, since that part of it often gets old too.

And the reality is she could meet some guy tomorrow who offers her a secure financial future, she would jump at it immediately, and gone. At the same time she could get deported at any moment. And then that’s it. From one day to the next, over, done, no warning, no time to prepare mentally.

Some people might think that there is nothing to think twice about. Just enjoy it for what it is, find another one or three whenever it ends, and that is what I will likely end up doing.

But it does worry me. There is a bit of a compulsive element to it, and I am expecting it could be a bit of a shock to the system when the door eventually closes on the arrangement.

I am guessing no more than another 6 to 12 months and the situation will just end for one natural reason or another, and I will need to get back into the fray the way I was before, changing suppliers regularly. Or maybe it will feel like nothing whenever that happens and I will just carry on. I really can’t predict how it will impact me.