My Maid Quit Today, And I Can't Figure Out Why...

[Weho]

My maid of almost two years abruptly quit today, and I can't figure out why. Perhaps someone can shed some light on Thai culture, and help me figure out why she quit. Here are the basic facts (as impartially as I can make them).

Before she worked for me, she was a janitor in a school, making 5,000 baht a month, working six days a week, like a slave, for an awful boss. I've been paying her 9,000 baht a month... in addition, I buy her stuff EVERY DAY. For her kids, for her... I've never gone to the market and didn't bring her back something to take back... I would guess it's about 150 baht per day extra that I spend on her. I bought her a washing machine... one day she said her electric went out, and I gave her 4,000 baht to get it repaired. I let her sleep an hour or two PER DAY whenever she wants. I never yell at her or order her around. In short, I thought she had it pretty good.

The husband called and said she works too much, and her young kid cries in the afternoon, cause she doesn't leave her til 5 pm. She was working for me Monday to saturday, 8 Am to 5 pm, but i always let her leave on Saturday by 1 pm.

There is no way I could believe she wasn't happy here... it has to be a problem from the husband.

Do you think he was being all "macho", cause maybe the wife was bringing back more home than him? Do you think he didn't want the wife working for a homo? I honestly can't think of anything.

if she came to me and told me this, I would have told her leave instead at 4 pm, and take saturdays off... but I didn't even have a chance to counter anything.

Why would a maid so abrupty quit?

The only other thing I can think of was that she was cooking breakfast and lunch for me, and I sit in my air conditioned office or go swimming during the day... could he be jealous of that?

I think I've given the full story here, but I haven't a clue what the REAL problem could be. I'm certain it's not from the maid, but it has to be from the husband. I thought I was really helping take care of this nice lady.

To quote Aretha Franklin, "sometimes it hurts like hel_l..." I'm really quite upset about this.

Any thoughts on what I might have missed, or if I might have done something wrong or insulting? I can't think of anything even remotely close...

[Acquiesce]

Do you think he didn't want the wife working for a homo?

[lannarebirth]

I'm not sure this is right, but your problems may stem from your being overgenerous. Could it be the husband may have felt you saw them as a charity case and this embarrassed him for some reason? I'm not sure that's it, because frankly I don't quite understand all this "face" stuff. I can tell you, I sometimes am overgenerous and it usually blows up in my face somehow.

[mikethevigoman]

My maid of almost two years abruptly quit today, and I can't figure out why. Perhaps someone can shed some light on Thai culture, and help me figure out why she quit. Here are the basic facts (as impartially as I can make them).

Before she worked for me, she was a janitor in a school, making 5,000 baht a month, working six days a week, like a slave, for an awful boss. I've been paying her 9,000 baht a month... in addition, I buy her stuff EVERY DAY. For her kids, for her... I've never gone to the market and didn't bring her back something to take back... I would guess it's about 150 baht per day extra that I spend on her. I bought her a washing machine... one day she said her electric went out, and I gave her 4,000 baht to get it repaired. I let her sleep an hour or two PER DAY whenever she wants. I never yell at her or order her around. In short, I thought she had it pretty good.

The husband called and said she works too much, and her young kid cries in the afternoon, cause she doesn't leave her til 5 pm. She was working for me Monday to saturday, 8 Am to 5 pm, but i always let her leave on Saturday by 1 pm.

There is no way I could believe she wasn't happy here... it has to be a problem from the husband.

Do you think he was being all "macho", cause maybe the wife was bringing back more home than him? Do you think he didn't want the wife working for a homo? I honestly can't think of anything.

if she came to me and told me this, I would have told her leave instead at 4 pm, and take saturdays off... but I didn't even have a chance to counter anything.

Why would a maid so abrupty quit?

The only other thing I can think of was that she was cooking breakfast and lunch for me, and I sit in my air conditioned office or go swimming during the day... could he be jealous of that?

I think I've given the full story here, but I haven't a clue what the REAL problem could be. I'm certain it's not from the maid, but it has to be from the husband. I thought I was really helping take care of this nice lady.

To quote Aretha Franklin, "sometimes it hurts like hel_l..." I'm really quite upset about this.

Any thoughts on what I might have missed, or if I might have done something wrong or insulting? I can't think of anything even remotely close...

Boredom ?

[mikethevigoman]

Do you think he didn't want the wife working for a homo?

Do you think he had an adversity to homo sapiens ?

[Weho]

I was thinking that might be the problem, but I'm not convinced. She knew whenever I gave her something, I was sincerely happy for her... and she always seem really appreciative whenever I gave her something, even if it was a 20 baht toy from McDonald's for the kid. She seemed equally appreciative if it was the cheap toy, or if I just slipped her an extra 200 baht for no reason.

[markr]

Do you talk to her in the same way that you post here?

[Weho]

As far as being a boring job, yes, I agree... being a maid isn't that exciting. I know when she was a janitor, she had some other lady janitor friends. But truthfully, i don't think working for me was that boring... there were also lots of people in and out, she loved to cook for others, she loved the dogs, but in the end, yes, it could still be considered a boring job... but really, not boring enough to quit over.

[Mobi]

Weho,

It could be any one of a dozen or so reasons. We could speculate for the next month and not know the true reason. Probably something to do with the husband - but you'll never know for sure.

If you treated her good, and paid her well, then you've done nothing wrong, and it's just one of those things.

It's quite hard to find a maid who will stay for a long time, and if you've kept her two years you did quite well.

Move on and find another. At 9 k per month for a 5 1/2 day week it shouldn't be too hard to find one.

Good luck, and stop worrying about it - TIT

[fletchsmile]

A few thoughts:

When I first went to Singapore, Singaporeans told me us "ang mo" (farang) treat our maids too well. When I came to Thailand I heard and saw similar. Sounds to me like you have treated her very well, with decency. kindness and respect.

Now flip it round thru Thai eyes:

1) You have been paying this lady more than she should be earning. You have been buying gifts for her. It's not normal. Sure "pi's" look after "nong's" in Thai society, but not usually like this. Why would you do that?

i) How would a Thai man treat his mia noi, mia gep, or gik? Probably with gifts and extra money?

ii) How would the Thai husband feel. Jealous and suspicious? After all you aren't behaving normally? Someone suggested above he may feel he has lost face. This could be a reason, but the concept of face has many levels, and Thais are often much more sophisticated than we realise in our barbaric and superficial understanding

iii) possibly other people have been gossiping that she has received money and gifts and she feels she has lost/is losing face. Some Thais do gossip out of jealousy, and can sometimes be quite spiteful.

iv) often people don't want others to lose face and this can sometimes be more important than losing your own face. Maybe she feels that her husband might lose face. Could be her decision

v) Could be a combination

2) You foreigners think too mutt... You always want to explain things in a single lifetime. Sometimes things just are. Sometimes it could be the echo or ripples of a former lifetime or something else, or just kharma. Perhaps she cheated on her husband in a former life, and went unpunished. In this life she is innocent but it catches up could be a crude example

Bottom line is it's probably cultural. You have behaved abnormally thru many Thai eyes. Don't forget in the same way we sometimes struggle to understad Thai motives, and misinterpret things, Thais struggle to understand us and misinterpret accoring to their own values. Particularly lower class Thais who have had less exposure to farang ways, and less of an education to help them appreciate differences. (BTW I dislike the class system and am in no way patronising here)

OK cultural issues aside:

3) Maybe you just haven't found what she nicked off you yet . I've had a couple of maids that decided things in my house would look better in theirs. Or in a pawn shop/ second hand shop, where the shop owner and Thai maid both gain. It's win / win. After all you're a farang and pick money off trees don't you...

Edited September 26, 2007 by fletchthai68

[intumult]

Maybe you were too generous.

I can imagine the husband not being happy with what you were giving her financially and in presents. Most likely made him look and feel small even though they would have been happy with the amount you paid.

Seems to me that too much is a bad thing. But is just IMHO.

Meant also to add....

Boredom. Walk past any small shop, salon etc and they are often not busy at all. The workers sit and watch tv for hours. So do not see that as being a reason.

edit for boredom

Edited September 26, 2007 by intumult

[alexth]

I've only readen your post, don't have much time to read others comments, but from what I gather, you were treating her very good. Now, thai guys (especially the really lo-so ones) can get pretty jealous or moody on things, just like that, out of nowhere, so I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the husband or, they just figured out a way to earn their living without being apart, I don't really know. I agree with you, it is a little bit weird and a good trustworthy maid it's not that easy to find. I can only wish you good luck finding another one...

[onethailand]

The husband probably didn't want to have to deal with a crying kid. I don't think money was the issue, nor face. Had it been face I don't think he would've even called to tell you.

In the end, money isn't everything - matters not what your job is, if you can no longer be happy, you leave .

The only other possibility I can think of is that she found a better job, or one with easier work or less hours at similar pay.

It sucks when you treat them right and they still leave. I've had a lot of employees leave simply because of peer pressure, nothing to do with me at all. And I have employees who have stayed even though they aren't that happy. Who knows?

[qualtrough]

My guess is the homo thing. Hope that helps.

[lazeeboy]

Do you think he didn't want the wife working for a homo?

thai's arn;t that shallow ,seams to me he was jelous she was probably earning more than him.

[brahmburgers]

I was thinking that might be the problem, but I'm not convinced. She knew whenever I gave her something, I was sincerely happy for her... and she always seem really appreciative whenever I gave her something, even if it was a 20 baht toy from McDonald's for the kid. She seemed equally appreciative if it was the cheap toy, or if I just slipped her an extra 200 baht for no reason.

Thais don't seem to see simple acts of kindness in the same light as some open-minded farang do. If there's money involved, then that's their primary focus. And if money's given, they can't believe it's just out of kindness (unless it's 5 baht for a kid at an amusement park) - they assume the money and gifts are leverage for something more. And yes, it sounds very much like it's the man's macho thing, probably stemming from her speaking glowingly of you - and him feeling inadequate in his diminished perspective sort of way.

[torrenova]

Though I am going through the process of trying to define some ground rules for a prospective maid / cook / cleaner, I have years of experience of employing Thais.

I personally think you have been too generous. By your account, you are paying her Bt9000 plus at least another Bt1000 per week and then other stuff on top. She is on a rough Bt15-20k package.

I have in one of my small businesses a similar problem where in order to secure the services of a then valuable employee, I arranged for her salary to be lifted by Bt500 every 3 months. I never thought that 15 months later I would find myself having next month to find a way to tell her that not only is her salary being capped but that she will (if things do not change, be changing her salary from a fixed amount to performance driven pay as her performance has slacked off and those who look to her for leadership are being set a bad example.

Despite the above problem of my own making, the best performance from Thais is, in my experience, given when they are in a state of almost fear of losing their job, fear or having to leave etc. Give them too much in terms of salary, benefits and flexibility and they will respond by going downhill.

Now this does not translate directly to the OP's problem but I would not discount the husband's influence. The child is of little concern as they could afford care for their child from her salary !

We would call it stupid but if the husband can gain the breadwinner status from his wife then he and indeed she may be happier though they would have far less to live on. Complete tosh but they are not too complicated - we try to make out that they are and we cannot understand. Stupid and the like are far better explanations.

[onethailand]

Despite the above problem of my own making, the best performance from Thais is, in my experience, given when they are in a state of almost fear of losing their job, fear or having to leave etc. Give them too much in terms of salary, benefits and flexibility and they will respond by going downhill.

Have to disagree unless you're talking about people with no skills. Skilled (meaning they've "supposedly" been educated or learned a trade) people will leave as soon as they receive their paycheck if you put them in this position. I do agree, however, that giving them too much is also not the right way to go. I've seen this many times over the last 15 years in many different companies. Some of my friends actually tell me that they are going to quit their jobs in this manner before it happens.

Maids, while not necessarily skilled, generally have no trouble finding another job unless they are illegal migrants, so the fear factor does not work with them either.

Now this does not translate directly to the OP's problem but I would not discount the husband's influence. The child is of little concern as they could afford care for their child from her salary !

Most Thais don't pay for child care. They send the kids home to Grandma. 9K a month (excluding the extras) is hardly enough to pay for child care anyhow, as most working people are sending money home for whatever reason (which is why Grandma usually gets the kids).

Edited September 26, 2007 by onethailand

[Somtham]

....The husband called and said she works too much, and her young kid cries in the afternoon, ...

Very simple. The husband is tired of taking care of the kid.

rgds

[simon43]

9k for a maid is way over the top. No doubt she was earning much more than her husband and he got jealous, (bite of your nose to spite your face thing)

Simon

[Weho]

The maid is Thai, totally legal... when she started, she spoke almost no english... now her English is pretty good. she communicates and translates for me with the gardners and any other service person that comes by.

After reading the earlier replies, I agree it doesn't seem to be a money issue, but rather a jealous husband feeling inadequat. I had never heard from the husband before, never met him... i just didn't think about what could have been going on in her home.

Here's one other clue I think I just realized... whenever I gave the maid something really nice, she would NEVER comment the next day that the kid was really happy, or something... like last week... i bought her seven year old two 400 baht stuffed animals... she was very appreciative when i gave them to her, but she would never tell me the next day, the kid was really happy. Maybe it's a thai thing not to comment, or maybe it was her own quiet way of saying "don't give me any more of this stuff"...

And one other thing I may have done to annoy someone: sometimes if something was in my refrigerator too long for my freshness standards, I would give it to her to take home... I'm not talking bad food, but I like super-fresh, and I would give her good stuff like asparagus, red and yellow peppers, fresh shrimp, etc... all the time. Now I'm wondering if she or the husband felt I was giving charity, when they proably didn't need charity...

It's conformting in some way to know most maids apparently don't last over a year, so I guess I did well with almost two years.

[longway]

i am not sure if the jealous husband idea is right as her salary was not a problem for 2 years; so why should it suddenly be a problem now?

if u got some way of getting in touch, call her and ask her. u've got me curious too.

anything that has changed in ur household recently? could even be a problem with someone else in the vicinity.

Edited September 27, 2007 by longway

[geriatrickid]

I'm about to have a multiple personality moment so humour me;

The nice me says;

- She may have moved up to a different job and you helped her.

- She may have had to give up the work because as everyone has observed hubby needed her more or was jealous.

The bad me says;

- Sure you were nice with gifts, but what kind of mess did you leave in the bed? Silicone based lube is a devil to get out of sheets. (My friend told me that, I swear, cuz I sure aint getting any play.)

- Did you have alot of different special friends partaking of carnal delights? Some maids get upset by that. Neighbours gossip etc.

- Sure, you claim to be gay, but if you wear a gold chain and have a Gino chest, walk around in a thong and are noticeably packing, she might have perceived you to be a closet hetero lining her up as your concubine. (I watched reruns of Dynasty after school.)

- Is your source of income a cause for concern? If you are part of some sort of Columbian cartel, she could have been scared of a Scarface event, especially if you kept asking her "Are you talking to me?"

- Any feuds with the neighbours? What about creepy neighbours? My friend used to have a guy that always would open his door as she left for class in the morning to "get the paper". The ickazoid was usually scantily dressed with his bits visible.

You know slugger, if this is your fault, then Thailand could use alot more farangs like you. Kindness, thoughtfulness and consideration should never give you cause for concern when someone leaves. Don't sweat it. Plenty of ladies would take the job.

[Scott]

Most husbands don't care if your a homo....but, I think he probably doesn't believe that you really are gay and that could have been a problem.

I've had a lot of maids and they come and go. I treat them well, pay them well (not as well as you), but I do make sure that when they have a family problem, sick kid, sick parent, death in the family that they have time off and assistance to cover the costs. They have the run of the house and not a lot to do--although I do tell them to do what has been asked.

It's an unskilled job and many of them, although nice, aren't the most highly motivated or educated. They just come and go. My neighbors also seem to have the same situation. They had one maid for over a year then she left. Since then they have had about 10--some staying as short as a few weeks and then leaving.

I wouldn't worry about it and I wouldn't get upset. Your way to sensitive and when you cry your make-up will smear!

Best of luck to you, but more so, best of luck to HER and hubby....I don't think they are going to easily replace the income without resorting to selling yaa baa!

[sonicdragon]

I fully expect that, one way or another, it stems from overpaying. I have employed maids in Hong Kong and Thailand for 10 years and have learned the following:

1. Never overpay. It will backfire. 9k plus the other benefits you mentioned is totally crazy. We have 2 maids in Thailand, a mother and daughter team and they have worked for us for 4 years, first only the daughter before we had kids, and then the mother too when my wife was about 6 months pregnant with our twins. Before that the mother worked for my wifes aunt for 10 years. The mother's sister and aunt also work for my wifes family. They are very well trusted, although they all tend to be lazy and the standard of work is just a little better than acceptable; this contrasts sharply with our philippine maid in HK who is incredibly efficient (but a lot more expensive). Together the mother and daughter are paid 10k, they live with us, and they get their meals paid for.

2. Treat them well, but ensure that they know their place. Buying presents for their kids is a no no. Do not let them take liberties. If you are a single guy then the biggest problem will probably be boredom and there isn't a simple solution to that.

[girlx]

I sometimes am overgenerous and it usually blows up in my face somehow.

me too- generosity is viewed with suspicion in thailand.

also, i have a very good gay male friend, but when he is around me and my other girlfriends, our (thai) boyfriends refuse to believe there is not something going on with him. maybe that's because thai males' sexuality seems to be so fluid! but that could be the cause....

[Weho]

i am not sure if the jealous husband idea is right as her salary was not a problem for 2 years; so why should it suddenly be a problem now?

if u got some way of getting in touch, call her and ask her. u've got me curious too.

anything that has changed in ur household recently? could even be a problem with someone else in the vicinity.

THIS IS THE KEY question for me: do I try to contact her, and ask "why", or do I just forget it, as others have told me to? Some said "you don't want to interfere with Thais when they decide something"... Does it seem like a Thai could be re-convinced to re-think the situation? Or should I really just forget it, cause they have already decided what they want to do?

[Weho]

I'm about to have a multiple personality moment so humour me;

The nice me says;

- She may have moved up to a different job and you helped her.

- She may have had to give up the work because as everyone has observed hubby needed her more or was jealous.

The bad me says;

- Sure you were nice with gifts, but what kind of mess did you leave in the bed? Silicone based lube is a devil to get out of sheets. (My friend told me that, I swear, cuz I sure aint getting any play.)

- Did you have alot of different special friends partaking of carnal delights? Some maids get upset by that. Neighbours gossip etc.

- Sure, you claim to be gay, but if you wear a gold chain and have a Gino chest, walk around in a thong and are noticeably packing, she might have perceived you to be a closet hetero lining her up as your concubine. (I watched reruns of Dynasty after school.)

- Is your source of income a cause for concern? If you are part of some sort of Columbian cartel, she could have been scared of a Scarface event, especially if you kept asking her "Are you talking to me?"

- Any feuds with the neighbours? What about creepy neighbours? My friend used to have a guy that always would open his door as she left for class in the morning to "get the paper". The ickazoid was usually scantily dressed with his bits visible.

You know slugger, if this is your fault, then Thailand could use alot more farangs like you. Kindness, thoughtfulness and consideration should never give you cause for concern when someone leaves. Don't sweat it. Plenty of ladies would take the job.

I don't think I did anything to offend her... but I've tried to rack my brain... are any of these crimes: once a week or so, there's a dead bug, and I'm too squeemish to clean it myself, so I ask her to do it "right away"... never seemed to be a problem... Also, when I'm alone, I walk around in my boxer shorts... nothing exposed, never seemed to be a problem. I also told her if she cooks her own food to NOT use the expensive imported Olive Oil, but to use the cheapo Thai junk.... that's about it... No problems with creepy neighbors, never seen or hear them... no neighborhood gossip of any kind.

[Weho]

Also, I have never even remotely made any kind of sexual "pass" as this maid... never even crossed my mind... but I am home alone with her most of the day, every day... maybe the husband doesn't like that...

Also, now I'm thinking... there are guards outside the gate at night, and when I come back late at night, I usually stop at a market and bring them bags of peanuts, cold drinks, sometimes a candy bar, raisins, etc... Once in a while, I'll hand them a small amount of money, like 20 baht... is this wrong too? Am I action like some farang flashing money?

Lastly, I appreciate all the previous replies, helping shed light on this matter, that I am now realizing I knew so little about.

[JimmyTheMook]

There is no way I could believe she wasn't happy here... it has to be a problem from the husband.

Prolly that huge banana you keep in your pants became just to much of a distraction for her.