Help For A Lost Soul

[Nam Plah]

My fiance passed away two weeks ago very suddenly.

She was an exceptionally good person in so many ways and she suffered needlessly.

I am having problems with my grief and lonliness and difficulty understanding the why's and second guessing all my actions leading up to her death.

She was a devout Buddhist and I attended her five day Buddhist funeral at her home up country in Kanchanaburi with her family.

It was the first time meeting the family and my first funeral of any kind. I was the lone farang and quite lost in sorrow and unfamiliarity with everything.

The family were genuinely good people to me and took care of me well.

I miss her very much and am sad a lot of the time but after my experience with her family and the Buddhist funeral I feel that I may be doing her a disservice by not letting her go...

I don't know how to reconcile the idea of missing her and feeling grief for her passing and still support her soul's journey onward. I don't want her to linger here because I am having a problem with losing her.

If someone has any insight into how I can best release her while still holding onto her memory from a Budhist perspective I would be much indebted.

I also ask that please nobody flame or joke on this thread. I am serious and sober and extremely distresed.

Thank you.

[legag]

I am sorry for your lost.

Time will heal. Nothing is last forever but good memories. She has passed away to where she's more happy and you/we who are still breathing and living on this earth and mess should have carry on. Take your time and remember soon or later the rest of us will be there with ones we love too. But right now you have to live your life and make the best out of it. I hope you feel better soon and don't let the grief eats you up.

Edited October 2, 2007 by legag

[mark henry]

I'v never lost anyone that close to me, so in one sense i can't comment. However, i can imagine the feelings of lose your perhaps experiencing are not disimilar to a relationship ending and that i can comment on.

I don't think you should deny or push aside your grief rather live it for a while and be sad for as long as you need. The feelings i believe do subside with time until your left with warm happy memories of the times you spent together. For me those memories have become part of me and stay with me all the time where ever i go, it's a nice feeling.

Try not to be alone when your feeling particularly low and talk when you need/want to. I wish you well for the future.

[Naam]

I am sorry for your lost.

Time will heal. Nothing is last forever but good memories. She has passed away to where she's more happy and you/we who are still breathing and living on this earth and mess should have carry on. Take your time and remember soon or later the rest of us will be there with ones we love too. But right now you have to live your life and make the best out of it. I hope you feel better soon and don't let the grief eats you up.

beautiful and wise words saying all what should be said!

[thaicurious]

I miss her very much and am sad a lot of the time but after my experience with her family and the Buddhist funeral I feel that I may be doing her a disservice by not letting her go...

I don't know how to reconcile the idea of missing her and feeling grief for her passing and still support her soul's journey onward. I don't want her to linger here because I am having a problem with losing her.

how do you know that expressing and living naturally your mourning--which we see as grief--does not show to your fiance simply as love? while i understand the buddhist perspective of letting go, just how would expressing love be of detriment to "her soul's journey onward"? and with all due respect, is it rather egotistical to think that your feelings are so powerful in the life of another person that even death does not break the bind. does not buddhism work also to subdue the ego? to offer perspective?

may you find at least some modicum of peace in knowing that you have a journey as well. honor your own and you will honor the memory of your fiance.

[paulsmithson]

Yes it hurts and no one else can ever fully understand. Just think how lucky you have been to have known this wonderful woman! Next life hopefully you will be rejoined. So many people never find their true love yet you did!

Thank god that you knew her and keep her always in your heart but realise she would not want you to be sad forever and move on, My heart aches for you.

[sabaijai]

It might help if you could talk to a senior Buddhist monk who is either a native English speaker or a Thai who speaks English, if you want the Buddhist perspective. If you live in Bangkok or Chiang Mai, send me a PM and I'll reply with a couple of recommendations. Other participants here may have recommendations as well.

Just reaching out to talk to someone - as you have here, in a way - ought to help you process the grief you naturally feel.

With time you may learn to stop crying for what you've lost and begin smiling about what you both had.

[Nam Plah]

how do you know that expressing and living naturally your mourning--which we see as grief--does not show to your fiance simply as love? while i understand the buddhist perspective of letting go, just how would expressing love be of detriment to "her soul's journey onward"? and with all due respect, is it rather egotistical to think that your feelings are so powerful in the life of another person that even death does not break the bind. does not buddhism work also to subdue the ego? to offer perspective?

Whew, well... I am not trying to sound egotistical but I spent the last three days of her life with her in the ICU telling her how much I loved her. When her family arrived and the doctors said there was no hope the family asked me to remove her from life support.

That is how much I love her. She knows my heart and I know she feels my pain and lonliness and I simply worry that when she hears me crying and saying that I would do anything to have her back and that I still talk to her when I am alone the echoes reach across to her.

I'm not trying to appear mystical or egotistical, I just KNOW that LOVE is stronger than DEATH.

Her family all celebrated and told me to be happy for her...I couldn't really get myself to feel that point exactly.

They told me not to cry and show her that I was "Sabai Jai" and OK so it would be easier for HER to let go...

I also tell her when I am sad to go and be a good girl and do good things wherever she is going and not to linger in limbo or falter.

I really don't expect anyone to understand as I don't understand myself.

I just wondered what the Buddhists say about this and what my job is.

Anyway, thank you all for your support and insight.

Thanks for the offer Sabai Jai, I am in Jomtien.

I'll find my way through this I know, I want to be sure I honor her the way she needs me to as I am barely a Buddhist and she is in my hope on her way to Buddha's realm.

She was a very good and very strong, brave girl.

I want to try and be at least half the human being she was.

[Nam Plah]

Thank you all for your kind words.

They mean a lot to me right now.

[sutnyod]

I hope there is somebody in your area who understands you. Can you talk about her to a friend? Somebody who would not mind you sticking to the topic for several days and repeating yourself? If not, I would really consider going to a Wat somewhere and talk to monks.

[camerata]

I also tell her when I am sad to go and be a good girl and do good things wherever she is going and not to linger in limbo or falter.

I really don't expect anyone to understand as I don't understand myself.

I just wondered what the Buddhists say about this and what my job is.

I wouldn't worry too much about her lingering in limbo because of you. I think this is more of a popular (animist) belief than real Buddhism. According to what the Buddha taught, if she was a good person, she will already have been reborn either as a human or in one of the celestial realms. She won't be suffering now, so you have to focus on ending your own suffering.

One Buddhist belief, which many people find comforting, is that a strong bond in this life creates a karmic bond that draws two people together repeatedly in future lives. In other words, we can be reunited with loved ones in future lives if we are as good as they are.

[thaicurious]

I'm not trying to appear mystical or egotistical, I just KNOW that LOVE is stronger than DEATH....I also tell her when I am sad to go and be a good girl and do good things wherever she is going and not to linger in limbo or falter.

if love is stronger than death, doesn't it make sense that love is stronger than any limbo? if there is survival of spirit, then why would karma produced by a spirit which lingers to help a loved one through their grieving cause her to falter "on her way to Buddha's realm"?

the guilt you are adding can be antidote for your grief. as you learn to deal with the grieving caused by your loss and exit there, you will also have to find a way out of your self-inflicted guilt.

edit:

"we all seek happiness, but turn our backs on it. we all wish to avoid misery, but race to collect its causes." shantideva's bodhisattvacharyavatara

Edited October 3, 2007 by thaicurious

[Nam Plah]

Thank you all for your insights and kind words.

I am just very overwhelmed and confused and grasping at straws and I do feel guilt and confusion.

The fact that I posted this at all attests to a lack of understanding from friends and family...

One friend said he had a hard time even listening to me explain what happened.

I won't let my darkness cloud her light.

I will miss her until we meet again.

Thank you again from the both of us.

[sabaijai]

Nam Plah if you're still there, I would recommend trying Wat Boonkanjanaram there in Jomtien. There are often foreign monks or lay Buddhists staying there, and some of the senior monks speak good English. The temple is off Sukhumvit on its own soi near KM 150, tel 0 3823 1865.

Good luck.

[Nam Plah]

Thank you.

[sutnyod]

Hm. It sounds to me if we just keep saying 'go to a Wat', the OP might not go. Unfortunately I do not know where to go and how to behave in a monk's pagoda (my upbringing forbids me to address a monk unless being talked to). So would any of you be able to add a bit more useful information for the OP?

What is a good time to go there? In the pagodas where I go there are prayer hours at 16.00 hrs, so that would not be a good time. Evenings? Whom to turn to? Ask for the abbott? How to start the conversation? Could be good if we gave more hints.

[phloiwang]

It is said that, in Buddhism, only an Arahant has no mental suffering. If asked why, perhaps the explanation should be "that's the way khanta (body and mind) really is. khanta is nothing but dukkang, anijjang and anatta. It follows its own way, not anyone's wish.

May I share your suffering in losing your loved one. But there are heaps in store for us as human (not an Arahant) to moan for.

[Nam Plah]

Thank you for your kindness and wisdom.

It has been three weeks and I am contimuing to work through this as best I can. I do pray to Buddha for her every night but I would like some guidance from a monk.

I will try and get myself to a Wat/Pagoda and seek help in my prayer.

phloiwang, I don't know what and "Arahant" is but I get the sense that I'm not one...

Thank you again for taking time to send me your thoughts.

I have only a few friends locally and they seem unable to offer anything in the way of emotional support or spiritual insight.

I am walking in the way of a man on a jouurney towards a deeper discovery of himself and the nature of our lives as all those true seekers have from history;

by himself.

[oldoldgit!!]

Lost my wife with Cancer a few years ago, time is a great healer, first it is tears and anguish then anger I dont know why, now when I am tired I shed the odd tear, it seems to be the good ones that are taken, my condolences. Nam Plah

[thaicurious]

"when the heart is full, the eyes overflow"~~jewish saying

[stateman]

Nam Plah,

I just sent you a PM.

Please check you message box.

Stateman