Wife Being Alone With The Baby For A Few Hours

[keestha]

Since 5 months I am the proud father of a beautiful daughter. It brings a lot of joy but also one problem I would like you to shine your lights on.

My girlfriend refuses to be left alone with the baby, even for a few moments. When she has to take a shower or even go to the toilet , she calls me into the bedroom to keep an eye on our daughter. Frequently I have to go away on business for part of the day, and then she always insists on going with me, taking the baby along of course.

It might be relevant to mention that she grew up in a village setting, where there are always people around to help out with taking care of the children. Also, it is her first child, so I can imagine she is still lacking confidence.

I pointed out to her that for farang women it is quite normal to be alone with the baby whilst daddy is out working, but this didn't seem to impress her very much. The owner of the bar I used to go to about once a week is missing me, is there any chance for me to regain a little bit of freedom?

[mikethevigoman]

Since 5 months I am the proud father of a beautiful daughter. It brings a lot of joy but also one problem I would like you to shine your lights on.

My girlfriend refuses to be left alone with the baby, even for a few moments. When she has to take a shower or even go to the toilet , she calls me into the bedroom to keep an eye on our daughter. Frequently I have to go away on business for part of the day, and then she always insists on going with me, taking the baby along of course.

It might be relevant to mention that she grew up in a village setting, where there are always people around to help out with taking care of the children. Also, it is her first child, so I can imagine she is still lacking confidence.

I pointed out to her that for farang women it is quite normal to be alone with the baby whilst daddy is out working, but this didn't seem to impress her very much. The owner of the bar I used to go to about once a week is missing me, is there any chance for me to regain a little bit of freedom?

Imay be wrong, but it sounds like having the baby has knocked all the self confidence out of her,hence not wanting you out of her sight,. as for a cure, difficult, keep reassuring her that you feel the same about her etc, good luck,.

[markwhite]

My girlfriend refuses to be left alone with the baby, even for a few moments. When she has to take a shower or even go to the toilet , she calls me into the bedroom to keep an eye on our daughter.

I'm confused.

Does she not like to be on her own with the baby, or does she not like leaving the baby on his/her own, ie: unsupervised.

If the former, is it due to the latter, which is implied in your quoted sentence above? Sort of 'if you're not there, how can she do anything that would mean the baby being left unsupervised' sort-of thing.

It might be relevant to mention that she grew up in a village setting, where there are always people around to help out with taking care of the children. Also, it is her first child, so I can imagine she is still lacking confidence.

Well my wife grew up in a village environment and our first baby is 3 months old tomorrow and she was lacking in confidence at first (as was I), but has no problems being on her own or leaving the baby unsupervised *at the right time* for a short time.

But hey, your wife and mine are different people so there's no reason why they should act the same.

The owner of the bar I used to go to about once a week is missing me, is there any chance for me to regain a little bit of freedom?

So how are you with being with the baby alone when she goes out doing her thing? Do you set the example you expect her to follow?

[keestha]

Since 5 months I am the proud father of a beautiful daughter. It brings a lot of joy but also one problem I would like you to shine your lights on.

My girlfriend refuses to be left alone with the baby, even for a few moments. When she has to take a shower or even go to the toilet , she calls me into the bedroom to keep an eye on our daughter. Frequently I have to go away on business for part of the day, and then she always insists on going with me, taking the baby along of course.

It might be relevant to mention that she grew up in a village setting, where there are always people around to help out with taking care of the children. Also, it is her first child, so I can imagine she is still lacking confidence.

I pointed out to her that for farang women it is quite normal to be alone with the baby whilst daddy is out working, but this didn't seem to impress her very much. The owner of the bar I used to go to about once a week is missing me, is there any chance for me to regain a little bit of freedom?

Imay be wrong, but it sounds like having the baby has knocked all the self confidence out of her,hence not wanting you out of her sight,. as for a cure, difficult, keep reassuring her that you feel the same about her etc, good luck,.

Thanks Mike, but that is not it. The first 3 months her parents were here to help out, and then she didn't have any problem letting me go out alone on business or socializing.

[think_too_mut]

Thanks Mike, but that is not it. The first 3 months her parents were here to help out, and then she didn't have any problem letting me go out alone on business or socializing.

What is your problem then?

[keestha]

My girlfriend refuses to be left alone with the baby, even for a few moments. When she has to take a shower or even go to the toilet , she calls me into the bedroom to keep an eye on our daughter.

I'm confused.

Does she not like to be on her own with the baby, or does she not like leaving the baby on his/her own, ie: unsupervised.

You are right Mark, i didn't formulate it so clearly. Her problem is that when she is alone with the baby, she unavoidably has to leave her unsupervised sometimes briefly.

When she leaves me alone with the baby, it is never for longer than 15 minutes or so.

[mikethevigoman]

Since 5 months I am the proud father of a beautiful daughter. It brings a lot of joy but also one problem I would like you to shine your lights on.

My girlfriend refuses to be left alone with the baby, even for a few moments. When she has to take a shower or even go to the toilet , she calls me into the bedroom to keep an eye on our daughter. Frequently I have to go away on business for part of the day, and then she always insists on going with me, taking the baby along of course.

It might be relevant to mention that she grew up in a village setting, where there are always people around to help out with taking care of the children. Also, it is her first child, so I can imagine she is still lacking confidence.

I pointed out to her that for farang women it is quite normal to be alone with the baby whilst daddy is out working, but this didn't seem to impress her very much. The owner of the bar I used to go to about once a week is missing me, is there any chance for me to regain a little bit of freedom?

Do you mind me asking her age ? .our daughter was our first, our sister in law lived ( mother of one )with us for the first 6 months ! they slept wiith debbie ( our daughter ) between them !. and when i asked my wife why she said it is a fear of being alone and something happening, ive just aslked my wife now as i never gave it any thought before, id suggest having a friend or relative come as often as possible and keep reassuring her what a good mum she is ! 6 months will do, mine was fine after that ! Edited October 27, 2007 by mikethevigoman

[MrSquigle]

So she does not like the child left alone for an instant...not that she does not want to be left alone with the child...this second theory sounds kinda sinister.

Sounds like you clarified the first scenario.

If you are able, perhaps get a camera setup which will play from the childs bed to your living room, onto the tv or computer, whichever way works out simplest and cheapest.

Then you could convince her to sit with you and watch from afar that all is ok, you could watch a movie...90 minutes...and have the camera showing all is fine to your computer.

She would get used to the idea that the child is fine when left alone for periods, this goes for in the playpen etc also.

[markwhite]

Her problem is that when she is alone with the baby, she unavoidably has to leave her unsupervised sometimes briefly.

So then she calls on you to look after the baby because she doesn't like that?

When she leaves me alone with the baby, it is never for longer than 15 minutes or so.

So she expects you both to be together with the baby at almost all times with no exceptions? Ooo, tricky.

There is the confidence angle, like you say. We had a short visit from MIL after 9 days where she took control, did things her way and gave advice that we didn't want take and it was not an easy time for me. There was a thread here at the time where someone else had had a MIL in residence for months with no sign of them going home. What sort of effect did the 3 month visit have on the time you (both) were able to spend doing what you wanted with your baby? Was your wife doing things her way, or mum's way? Was she told what to do, or even worse did she have to sit watching while others took control, or was she helped to learn how to cope with the baby by the family?

Where else do you both get your parenting advice from? For us it's been family (Som's sisters are less traditional than mum), books, internet and a little chatting to local mums at clinics and suchlike. I know Som has used the forum at http://www.raklukefamilygroup.com/index.php but says there's not been much good stuff on there recently.

And what's your girlfriend's take on all of this? What does she say when you talk about it?

And my wife's opinion:

She maybe is not comfortable because her family has helped look after the baby for the first 3 months, so it's like she's only really looked after the baby for 2 months herself. I felt nervous at first and needed someone to help me. She might also be nervous because the baby will start to be able to move a little around this age so she might be expecting the baby to roll, or fall or otherwise hurt herself.

Mark...

PS: This one comes recommended by Som too http://www.clinicrak.com/childhood/childhood.html

Edited October 27, 2007 by markwhite

[bina]

since u all are men i will give it a women'sperspective;

i am a super laid back person, and also as a mother, but i still remember having to shower or bathroom and what to do with babe? she came with of course, or in carriage, or in small playpen, or i did stuff only when pappa was home. this is first child new mother syndrome:

first see if u can get someone to help her, even a girl cousin, a girl neighbor, whatever, that can come over to 'play' with the baby... this will give her the feeling that she can shit in freedom w/o worrying about baby;

do not force her to leave baby alone, she will probably wean herself from this with time... or if u have an other...

post natal depression manifests itself also this way as the mother absolutely doesnt trust herself or her baby, or u for that matter... trying logical methods do not work; hormones are at play...

my youngest is the daily baby 'player' for my SIL who also was very clingy to her baby and hubby wasnt home... she helped keep the baby happy and allowed SIL to feel secure in showering, bathroom, even going out for a few minutes...

the feeling of leaving your child and IF something were to happen often overwhelms young mothers and having someone else to help releases some of the pressure.. also, for whatever chauinistic reasons, most mothers i know prefer another female over husband even, when it come to holding, nappies, feeding, etc. dont ask me why, i am as feneinist as can be, but when i had my kids, thats the way i was.. hormones over came my intellect.

maybe there is a mother/baby group that she could hook up with ? being with other mothers and babies helps relieve pressure also as u see other mothers doing things alone or with their babies and u focus a little less on u and yours...

just suggestions...

bina

[onethailand]

I think she's just showing natural motherly instincts - being overprotective and insecure. She'll get used to it in time, but for now I think it's better you let her do whatever she feels best.

[canadiangirl]

Is she afraid of ghosts?

[keestha]

And my wife's opinion:

She maybe is not comfortable because her family has helped look after the baby for the first 3 months, so it's like she's only really looked after the baby for 2 months herself. I felt nervous at first and needed someone to help me. She might also be nervous because the baby will start to be able to move a little around this age so she might be expecting the baby to roll, or fall or otherwise hurt herself.

Exactly. Fear that an accident will happen when the baby is left unsupervised for a few moments, that's what it is about.

Thanks a lot for all the good advice, especially Mark&wife, Bina and Mike. Asking advice and getting useful replies, that's what this forum is for.

For the next 6 months I am fine. I own a seasonal business ( bungalow resort) and employ a lot of female staff from the end of october till april, and yes, the women are happily volunteering to help out taking care of the daughter. After about April 15 I will be alone with the wife again, the baby will be 11 months old then, and I will see how the situation develops then.

[mikethevigoman]

since u all are men i will give it a women'sperspective;

i am a super laid back person, and also as a mother, but i still remember having to shower or bathroom and what to do with babe? she came with of course, or in carriage, or in small playpen, or i did stuff only when pappa was home. this is first child new mother syndrome:

first see if u can get someone to help her, even a girl cousin, a girl neighbor, whatever, that can come over to 'play' with the baby... this will give her the feeling that she can shit in freedom w/o worrying about baby;

do not force her to leave baby alone, she will probably wean herself from this with time... or if u have an other...

post natal depression manifests itself also this way as the mother absolutely doesnt trust herself or her baby, or u for that matter... trying logical methods do not work; hormones are at play...

my youngest is the daily baby 'player' for my SIL who also was very clingy to her baby and hubby wasnt home... she helped keep the baby happy and allowed SIL to feel secure in showering, bathroom, even going out for a few minutes...

the feeling of leaving your child and IF something were to happen often overwhelms young mothers and having someone else to help releases some of the pressure.. also, for whatever chauinistic reasons, most mothers i know prefer another female over husband even, when it come to holding, nappies, feeding, etc. dont ask me why, i am as feneinist as can be, but when i had my kids, thats the way i was.. hormones over came my intellect.

maybe there is a mother/baby group that she could hook up with ? being with other mothers and babies helps relieve pressure also as u see other mothers doing things alone or with their babies and u focus a little less on u and yours...

just suggestions...

"binairst see if u can get someone to help her, even a girl cousin, a girl neighbor, whatever, that can come over to 'play' with the baby... this will give her the feeling that she can shit in freedom w/o worrying about baby;"

Did you meant to put this?

[markwhite]

Thanks a lot for all the good advice, especially Mark&wife, Bina and Mike. Asking advice and getting useful replies, that's what this forum is for.

No problem. I'm glad you found some useful advice :-)

[bina]

mike,

what i meant was that to go to the bathroom for longer then a quick pee is very hard for a new mother cause u cant see your child even if the baby is in a playpen or crib; so or u wait for pappa to come home, or u take baby into bathroom with u, or u listen to your baby cry (believe or not young mothers develop constipation from this 'waiting' until someone come's home to help)...

many is the time when i had to jump up and run to my child w/o quite finishing my business in the bathroom.... i empathize; trust me, it was easier with the third cause then the eldest would watch her...

the getting someone to 'play' was meant as a sort of short term babysitting or 'mother's helper' type thing... well i'm sure u know what i meant...glad to be of some help...

bina

[seonai]

Totally understand you Bina and Keestha is talking straight, when a woman gives birth to a baby it's a very weird experience and she becomes sometimes ultra protective and sensitive. And just to go to the loo alone is a really big experience. It's not about age or Thai or not Thai - I got really weird when my son was born (half Thai) and thought that cars might mount the pavement and kill us both - stuff like that ... hormones are strange regardless of your culture and make you think weird things. Also Thai women have been told a lot of superstition about child birth

[seonai]

And Keestha I would say that this feeling your wife has is not about a village upbringing, it's something that happens when you produce a small being that is another member of the human race from your own body there's nothing that can match that really

[TanjaB]

Hi. Maybe it'd help to get a baby monitor? That way she can still listen to the baby's breathing/movements whilst in the bathroom or another room. You can even get one with a monitor, a little bit more pricey, but worth it if it gives her some peace of mind, and you your freedom back.

[Boo]

good idea tanjaB, they sell ones too with sensor pads you place under the babies mattress & it will tell you if the baby has stopped breathing. Not cheap but if she is this paranoid about leaving baby alone then it may be worth every baht.

[TanjaB]

Hi. Maybe it'd help to get a baby monitor? That way she can still listen to the baby's breathing/movements whilst in the bathroom or another room. You can even get one with a monitor, a little bit more pricey, but worth it if it gives her some peace of mind, and you your freedom back.

What I meant to say was ''You can even get one with a screen.'' :rolleyes:b That way she can see the baby, as well as hear it.

Edited November 1, 2007 by TanjaB

[mowlem]

OK so what are the superstitions/beliefs around child birth?

I appreciate that Issaan and BKK may be different.

My mate's wife lay on a bed like structure while her friends took over the running of the house for the first few days. They had put small heaters under the bed, and told my mate in the old days it would have been small fires. Although they accepted small fires on the third floor of a concrete apartment block may slighly upset the landlord.......so they compromised.

[torrenova]

My wife's mother came down only for a few days before the birth and about 3 days afterwards. A family member (aunt0 stayed for about 3 weeks. then we were on our own.

I had no experience of kids at all, none, zero. She obviously had kids around her and latterly helped to take care of her sister's two kids when they were born.

She wanted her mother around her more but her mother has a useless lump of a western husband who cannot look after himself through laziness but he has built a house, bought a car, etc. so she had to return.

I remember asking when she thought we could leave the baby with someone for a few days so we could take a short break and she was adamant that it would be 9 months to a year minimum which I regarded as ridiculously long. However, she now wants to let her mother have our 4 month old for a couple of weeks over Xmas and New Year when she will be 5 months old as we have another business to run and even though we have daytime help, that help is not available every night.

In the beginning she was the one with total confidence but even then she sought advice but I had none to give. Now she seeks advice from me and I do from her. She sees how comfortable the baby is with me, sometimes jealously so when the baby wants to play with me and not her but all in all she is settling into her role as a mother very well.

I think if the baby is in a safe environment, even in her cot, fed and with a clean nappy, then she doesn't worry about having a sleep or doing some cooking. As i write this, she is out and the baby is in our bedroom asleep and I am waiting for her to wake up for another feed before settling down for the rest of the night. To be protective is one thing but the OP need to get some confidence into his child's mother to let the baby be, knowing that she can be there when required.

[t.s]

Since 5 months I am the proud father of a beautiful daughter. It brings a lot of joy but also one problem I would like you to shine your lights on.

My girlfriend refuses to be left alone with the baby, even for a few moments. When she has to take a shower or even go to the toilet , she calls me into the bedroom to keep an eye on our daughter. Frequently I have to go away on business for part of the day, and then she always insists on going with me, taking the baby along of course.

It might be relevant to mention that she grew up in a village setting, where there are always people around to help out with taking care of the children. Also, it is her first child, so I can imagine she is still lacking confidence.

I pointed out to her that for farang women it is quite normal to be alone with the baby whilst daddy is out working, but this didn't seem to impress her very much. The owner of the bar I used to go to about once a week is missing me, is there any chance for me to regain a little bit of freedom?

things were pretty weird in our household until we talked and decided her going back to work and us getting a nanny was the way to go. her first day of work finished, she came home happy as happy gets and we had our first real conversation in a year.

i can imagine living with someone who did not have interests beyond the front gate.

our nanny also has one overarching instruction. she is to ensure the baby is healthy and happy, but she is to let the child make mistakes and explore. she is not to pick her up and carr her around all day.

my daughter has a cousin born 2 days earlier. his mother, father and aunt carry him at all times, even to the point of supporting him when he sits. at 1 year my child can and does often run. the other child barely crawls.

Edited December 4, 2007 by t.s

[seonai]

Mowlem. The superstitions I can remember off the top of my head about childbirth are things like the mother shouldn't have a shower for x amount of days, the mother needs to just lay down and let the female members of the family do everything for the baby cos mummy is not yet capable, the mother gets massaged by a traditional local midwife - often using turmeric on both the mother and the baby (Bina might know more on this). My son was delivered in London by Ventous and had a huge heamatoma (like a bad bruise) on his foehead, so the Thais came to the hospital and covered him in Kumin - forget the word in English - a yellow herb and laid him in the pools of sunlight in the ward!!!

[chanchao]

In general with these types of issues: Just be firm. Don't let anyone project some feigned sense of guilt on to you. Be fair, but strict, make sure the baby is always safe and cared for.

Fortunately in Thailand you can fall back on traditional roles. Mother takes care of kid, man goes out to hunt. (For whatever it may be)