How to break up with thai girl...

[jasonc]

I know it sounds like a stupid question but i want to be aware of cultural differences and know what to expect... I don't want my penis cut off and boiled!!!

I met a non-bar girl on a trip in January. spent a few days with her and kept in touch via email and an occasional phone call. I returned in april, not with the intention of seeing her, but I did spend a week with her at her village with her family. I had a very good time and felt very accepted and comfortable. I liked her but did not feel like she was the one... When I left I said  we would not be a couple and I loved her like my sister but not a girlfriend. She said she understood. I thought it was over.

Since April i have received emails from her every day (and I've replied). Very sweet emails. She never asks for money nor does she seem psycho over me but she always says she loves me and will stay dedicated to me forever, even though she knows we can never be together. I ask How can you be dedicated? You must get over me and find another boyfriend and have children and a complete life. She says boys don't understand and that a Thai girl can have some sense of harmony by being dedicated to her true love even if i can not love back.

OK, I was not born in a barn. I understand that most, if not all of this, is simple broken heart syndrome. I've been through it many times and I've seen everyone I know go through it. She WILL get over it. My FEAR is the prevalence in Thai society of suicide. Her obsession mixed with a few comments that she wants to be with me in the next life and now the news of my new Thai girlfriend... YIKES! What am I doing? I don't want this responsibility. I wish I had ignored her invitation to visit her in April.

The other thing that is disturbing me are my feelings of guilt.

I know that this girl could have had a "better" life. She is very poor. I'm stable and then some... It's not just a financial gain for her but I was actually very good to her and her family. Maybe I shouldn't look at it this way but I can help to think that maybe her school girl dreams of escaping poverty with a nice guy are fleeting.

I do care about her and her well being, like a sister... But that's all. Anyone have a word for me?  

[Thetyim]

How do you know she is not a bar girl ??

Have you spent every day and night with her since she was fourteen.

Do not worry about the guilt feelings, thai girls are professional at getting under your skin.

If you feel that she is not the one for you then walk away.

You are making things worse for both of you if you continue.

[dougrobinson2024]

I have no specific advice, since I'm also bad at rejecting someone.  But, at least you are trying to treat her delicately and with some respect.  

And kudos for not being ruthless and handling it with an "I don't give a f##k" attitude--an attitude that so many of us farang men seem to have, when dealing with these wonderful Thai women.  (It's always interesting how many <deleted> come to Pattaya, to vent their frustrations with women and take it out on the Thai bargirls).

Good luck with that one...

Doug

[TRIPxCORE]

From what I understand, and from what my wife tells me, a Thai woman (we're always calling them girls-they're so small huh?) will only invite a man to meet her family if she is serious about you.  So dont underestimate her feelings, but if she is not the one----so be it.

[Thetyim]

Tripxcore,

I met a girl in a temple in Lampoon and after chatting for half an hour she invited me back to met her family.

I have no idea of this girl's background, did your wife mean respectable girls only ?

[D80]

I would confirm that if you are in a bf/gf relationship of sort, for a Thai woman to invite you to meet the family, it usually is a big deal.  

I did not bring my (then) boyfriend home to meet my mum & dad until about a year after we had been seeing each other.  I don't know what a bar girl would have done but most Thai women I know are pretty much the same as me (with slight variation on time period, of course).

If you are just a friend, then visiting the family doesn't really have the same signifance.  It depends on your relationship with the woman as well.  If she introduced you to her family as her 'boyfriend', it is usually pretty serious.  If you two are not seriously in a relationship, she will usually introduce you as 'a friend, colleague, acquaintance, brother (as Thais call some male friends 'brother' as a sign of respect.. but this may also means someone she's been seeing but not for very long.. complicated stuff), etc etc'.  Having said all this, it depends on how liberal the family is as well.

Back to the topic:

So, were you or were you not in a romantic relationship with her?  I'm a bit confused as you are saying in your post 'how to break up with..'.  It just gave me the impression that you were romantically involved but then you wanted to part. But as I read the rest, it almost seems as if you were just friends but she took the friendship the wrong way.

In some ways, saying that you love her like a 'sister' can be seen by her as a sign that there's still a chance.  Remember what I said about Thai women calling their bf 'brother'?  Sometimes (don't take this as a firm rule but some people do it) the term is used to indicate that the relationship is still in its early stage and is to be taken slowly.  That's what happens to some friends of mine that progress from the so-called 'brother-sister' relationship to bf-gf one.  Stressing on being 'friends' may be better and clearer.

 

You are quite right to be gentle in breaking up with her.  However, there are times when one has to be cruel, only to be kind.  

My suggestion is not to keep in frequent contact with her.  It may send out wrong signal and gets her hope up.  Write to her once in a while but make it clear that you just want to be friend.

Don't feel so guilty.  You can't force feelings.  If she's not the one, then there's nothing that can be done.  As long as you have not lied to or taken advantage of her, then you should not feel bad about this.  

You can only encourage her to move on.  Just remember to be careful what you say and do, as it may be interpreted differently.  For example, the western ways of writing a letter starting with 'dear...' and ending with 'love' can be taken the wrong way although it doesn't really mean anything.  I know it sounds silly but looking at it from the point of view of someone who's not a native speaker, it can easily be taken too literally (I knew someone who was effected by such silly things as this before).  Try to keep the subject matters in your letter/email as neutral as possible may help as well.

As for suicide, I don't personally know this lady, so I can't say what sort of whoman she is.  But saying that she wants to be with you in the next life doesn't necessarily carry the implication of suicide (depending on how she says it).  For some Thais it is quite common to say that 'I wish I will....in my next life'.  If she seems pretty stable, then it shouldn't get so bad that she would do something stupid.  

Once, a Thai guy threaten to burn down his house and kill himself in the fire if my friend did not get back with him.  The girl told him to go ahead if he wanted to be so stupid.  As you can probably guess, the house is still standing and the guy is still here!

[sevinnow]

Some very concise and relevant points raised by D80.

I agree if you were invited to her family home as B/F then yes it is a big deal for not just her, her family but I imagine the whole village turned out at some stage to look at the farang in her life.

Bear in mind most families don't know what work their off daughters do once they leave home, as they are told they work in hotels or shops and get plenty tips from farangs so it is even a big deal for the Bar girl on bringing home a new B/F.

I really suspect you innocently went along with the flow not understanding the true nature of her good intentions and now you must do something without doing damage further.

From my point of veiw I think you have to be hard on the issue and change your email address so the message will eventually click to the girl that there is no future in trying to contact you, hard but sometimes WISDOM COMES FROM ERROR'S.

Good Luck

Sev

:cool:

[wolf5370]

Really must agree. At the risk of sounding like an agony aunt.... You have explained your position. You broke up with her in a manor that believed caused the least hurt; a caring way. It is now time to be more tough - by continueing to communicate with her you are giving her hope and, though not meaning it, dragging her along by her heart strings. It is a truth that a transition from lover to friend just does not work. It does not work anywhere and Thailand is no exception to this rule. You must be cruel to be kind and ignore her letters/emails/calls. She will probably cry etc and may start to ring more often at first. Either change your num,ber or put up with it. She will stop eventually. Perhaps you could write one last time and let her know you have moved on and that she should do the same; and simply cut the coms. As to suicide. There is always risk in any relationship. This one did not pan out; you did your duty and explained this to her. You can not keep dragging her along just in case she is emotionaly unable to accept this break-up and kill herself. Indeed, dragging it on may be the cause of a suicide itself. If it does happen, it is not your fault ~ but her emotional problem. What will be will be....

[hukster]

I might as well jump in here too. I totally agree with D80. My girlfriend soon to be my wife did not invite me to meet her family until she new me for 6 months. I have since been to her village twice. Everyone in her village now knows me. I can stand out on the road in front of her house, and eveyone that drives by stops. I even get shouts from high school kids passing by on the school bus, and i mean the shout out my name.

[LPCustom69]

As Sevinnow pointed out, if much of the village turned out at some point to at least get a glimpse of you, to her it was a very big deal. In the mid 70's when I went to my fiancees village near Ta Khli to meet her parents for the first time, and to get signatory permission to marry her, most of the village turned out at one time or another over 3 days. Some wanted to congratulate her and I, and some just wanted to look at a farang. At that point in time, the village had no electricity, and many of the people had not seen an American. Be firm in your convictions now, as you have tried letting her down easy and you didn't get the intended results.

:cool:

[phuejak]

i just want say one note about these invite to the family thing.

its not the big deal, not in every case and specialy not if your gf is a bg. if this happend to you (as a farang), doesn't mean you are the only one or the first who see theier parents.

[chonabot]

dang! I thought I was the first........

[Rhys]

man up do the right thing.... pay her an amount that relieves your conscience....then move on that learn a little more about Thai culture.. and the places you meet Thai women... you tend to experience what you expect!

[thaibeachlovers]

As I see it you are only prolonging heartache by continuing to communicate with her. If serious about her not being the one, you must tell her that you can't write to her again and stop. Perhaps she wants to believe that because you still write back you may change your mind. You may have been her only hope of a better life.

What happens after is not your responsibility, as long as you didn't lead her on, though going to visit her family when not serious was a huge mistake.

You don't have to be cruel- explain why to her, but prolonging it isn't fair to her, as just gives false hope.

 

I've been married to a Thai woman I loved deeply and she stabbed me in the heart, so I know something about heartache.

Life is <deleted>, but we all either move on or die.

 

On ‎7‎/‎6‎/‎2003 at 3:03 AM, jasonc said:

I do care about her and her well being, like a sister... But that's all.

Sometimes that's as good as it gets. We all want to be "in love", but love never lasts, while family is forever.

I'd take a sister like relationship over what I have any time. 

[thaibeachlovers]

On ‎7‎/‎7‎/‎2003 at 2:43 PM, wolf5370 said:

As to suicide. There is always risk in any relationship.

I had a GF once ( not Thai ) that I continued seeing for 6 months after it was over because I was worried about her emotional wellbeing. It was unfair to both of us, and only prolonged the pain. In the end I started visiting family ( I worked far away and only saw her weekends ) without telling her I was back, which was a fraught situation. Eventually she met someone else, and married him, but I never tried that again- too deceitful, and I only did it because I was not prepared to man up and do the right thing, even if it wasn't nice to do.

[thaibeachlovers]

<Deleted> zombie threads. I got suckered again!

[worgeordie]

Who keeps bringing up these very old posts ?, this one

started 15 years ago !,and a few others have been popping 

 up lately.

regards worgeordie

[starky]

This is a joke right? You spent what a total of a week and half with her? Lol what's to break up with?

[starky]

1 hour ago, worgeordie said:

Who keeps bringing up these very old posts ?, this one

started 15 years ago !,and a few others have been popping 

 up lately.

regards worgeordie

Great pick up I didn't even notice. 

[Chou Anou]

The OP should do some studying about Thai culture before he gets involved with another Thai woman. Saying that "she wants to be with him in the next life" is a very common expression related to a love that "just cannot be" and has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with suicide. Sounds like he just might be as much a drama queen as she is.

[madusa]

On 7/8/2003 at 9:03 AM, hukster said:

I might as well jump in here too. I totally agree with D80. My girlfriend soon to be my wife did not invite me to meet her family until she new me for 6 months. I have since been to her village twice. Everyone in her village now knows me. I can stand out on the road in front of her house, and eveyone that drives by stops. I even get shouts from high school kids passing by on the school bus, and i mean the shout out my name.

Sounds like what school kids did in American movies. Funny

On 7/8/2003 at 9:03 AM, hukster said:

I might as well jump in here too. I totally agree with D80. My girlfriend soon to be my wife did not invite me to meet her family until she new me for 6 months. I have since been to her village twice. Everyone in her village now knows me. I can stand out on the road in front of her house, and eveyone that drives by stops. I even get shouts from high school kids passing by on the school bus, and i mean the shout out my name.

 

[spidermike007]

Did you visit the village as a friend, or as a lover? If the latter, then there is a loss of face for her, when you disappeared. If the former, no big deal on any level. 

 

As a friend of mine once said, you pay on the front end, or the back end. Sounds like she is looking for a back end deal. You are her ticket to a good life. She is NOT in love with you. You only spent a few days together. She does not know you well enough to be in love with you. She is in LOVE with the idea of a better life. And she knows you could provide that. She sees you as her best prospect, and is trying to assert her will. She is giving you her best storyline, and hoping you bite.

 

Do not worry. She will not commit suicide. Most Thai women are very resilient, and get over heartbreak (which this is NOT) very easily. She is just hoping she can hook you. Best to either change your email address, or block her emails. You are not being kind to her, at this point, by continuing to respond. You would be far kinder by cutting her off. Just say goodbye, tell her she will not hear from you again, wish her good fortune in life, and just stop communicating. 

[BestB]

What a load of ......

 

Every hooker drags every guy to meet the family to show off.

 

It somehow elevates her and her family status.

 

A good non hooker girl, not only does NOT take a guy, a tourist home to meet the family, but can not take week of holiday fro work just because some tourist arrived.

Edited December 23, 2018 by BestB

[jackdd]

This is a 15 years old thread, i'm sure the situation is solved by now ????

[Scott]

Old topic.  

 

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