Cricket Newsflash

[Chris Lawrence]

NEWSFLASH

Australia's dominance in world cricket has become so great, that the ACB has decided to disband the entire professional ranks of senior cricket in this country.

The Board, at its post-match meeting after this evening's thrashing of New Zealand, has decided to field an Australian Under 11's team, from now on in all international fixtures.

The decision comes after a covert practice match between England and the Toowoomba Grammar School's 5th Eleven (average age: 16.5yrs), in which the English were beaten by 157 runs.

"It's part of a cost-saving move on the ACB's part," said Board CEO, James Sutherland, "If the Poms can't beat that team, there's no need to actually field a team of men and pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars each year."

Indeed, the ACB has been struggling financially in recent years, due in large part to Board Member, David Boon's determination to break beer-drinking records wherever he goes.

"It's become a bit of a strain," said Sutherland, "Boonie started off by sinking 52 cans between Sydney and London back in 1989, but since then, he's become a bit obsessive. He recently cracked a full pallet-load of VB's on the cab ride from his hotel to the WACA and, when we fly him to a game, we have to charter the whole plane for him and his beer."

However, a source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Boonie wasn't the only ACB director creating a drag on the budget. The cost of Boardroom lunches (which used to consist of sandwiches from the local deli) has blown out, after Mark Taylor developed a taste for the highly endangered Saharan Desert Cuttlefish souffle which, at $1m per oz, is quite a delicacy.

Allan Border, another ACB director, apparently will no longer travel anywhere unless he is accompanied by a professional circus, complete with Ringmaster, clowns, elephants, lions, trapeze acts and a bearded lady.

Other Board members, it is reported, have similarly unusual and expensive demands.

"It's not any one thing," said Sutherland, "But they all add up."

"When we discovered that the Under 11's could beat England, and all they wanted in return was a Playstation 3 and an iPod, we thought, why not?"

"Next year," Sutherland said, "We're going to try out the Townsville State School's Under 7's against the Indians and, if that works, it'd be even better, because all they want is an ice cream and a cool skateboard."

When contacted to comment about Austrlia's plan, ICC Chairman, Malcolm Speed, said, "Yes, it's definitely a concern. We would certainly like to bring the other countries up to, say, the level of Australia's Under 16's, but these things take time."

Tommorrow, we start an exclusive series of articles on how Australia's professional cricketers will be earning a living, after cricket. Don't miss our first, exciting profile on Andrew Symonds future career as a janitor's mop.