Would You Tell

[Disting]

What would you do in this situation.

I have known a fellow expat in the same area as mine for some years. I and all of the village know that his wife is shagging around. The village dont like it and they dont like his wife so much now.

Would you tell him or ignore it. Its a tricky situation to be in. Always the problem of what happens after you say something.

Any opinions?

[ClaytonSeymour]

What would you do in this situation.

I have known a fellow expat in the same area as mine for some years. I and all of the village know that his wife is shagging around. The village dont like it and they dont like his wife so much now.

Would you tell him or ignore it. Its a tricky situation to be in. Always the problem of what happens after you say something.

Any opinions?

Well if all the village knows and he doesn't, he's clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer is he?

With the information you've given it's hard to offer anything other than an instinct based opinion - is it possible to give a full background to this case?

[TheExpat]

Stay out of it. I helped a guy that I think might have ended up dead. His GF ripped him off, beat him up and her brothers had him locked up in a room and threatened to kill him if he did not go the ATM for them. I got him out with the help of the local coppers. He fled to Bangkok and then to his home country and I was left looking over my shoulder for the brothers.

Guess what - he is still emailing her and talking to her on the phone - about marriage

All that to say. It wil be turned around you. She will say that you hit on her or something. He will take her side and that will be the end of your friendship.

[yorkman]

What would you do in this situation.

I have known a fellow expat in the same area as mine for some years. I and all of the village know that his wife is shagging around. The village dont like it and they dont like his wife so much now.

Would you tell him or ignore it. Its a tricky situation to be in. Always the problem of what happens after you say something.

Any opinions?

Same as Clayton really, but a first stab at it?

If he is just somebody you know, keep out of it.

If he is a friend, just consider that he may not thank you for telling him. He confronts his wife, she denies it of course and he believes his little darling. Ex Friend

On balance, ignore it unless you have a compelling reason IMHO

[ronthompson]

Really do not think its right to tell him unless u know for certain.

People talk be it the Village, city or country unless he brings the subject up you can not. IMHO

If he thinks every thing is OK, do not be the one to break the bubble.

[TheExpat]

Unless its me, then by all means ring me up

[onnut]

what if his wife caught HIV and passed it onto him, then imagine he confides in you. You will feel bad because you could of told him before he caught HIV.

[yorkman]

Unless its me, then by all means ring me up

[cm-happy]

MYOB!!(Mind Your Own Business)

He may not be the sharpest knife in the draw, but don't be surprised if he doesn't already know and for whatever reason is playing dumb

[Gary A]

Telling would violate my Thailand rules to live by number three. That rule is to keep a low profile and to mind my own business.

[MrSquigle]

Get some discreet evidence, then leave it on his doorstep and ring the bell and run......or just email it.

[mijan24]

PRINT OUT THIS THREAD PLACE IT IN A BROWN ENVELOPE AND SLIP IT UNDER HIS DOOR THAT WILL TELL IF HE IS THE SHARPEST KNIFE AND FOR WHATEVER REASON IGNORING WHAT IS OBVIOUS TO ALL AND SUNDRY.

Failing this take Garry A's advice and stay out of it.

Not much secrecy as to your ID if you email it??Expect a heavy knock on the door if you take this route.

Now we need to record how many copies of the thread are copied for slipping under doors.

Edited December 23, 2007 by mijan24

[yorkman]

Well there is a majority vote...errr advice.... here then, apart from a lone dissenting (although valid thought) voice.

It's a shame the Thai elections don't go the same way eh?

Ahhh well, back to more important matters like whose wife is not all they might be

[DirkGently]

The fact you say that you have known him and not that he is your friend should tell you what to do. Nothing.

How do you know he doesn't know? How do you know it is part of their lifestyle?

As long as it isn't your wife..................................

[pointofview]

I know a guy - ex friend - whos thai girlfriend lead hi a song and dance for years . However, he knew so i didnt need to contemplate the question. But (emphasize BUT) - last year she ripped him off on a land deal and they had a big fall out which resulted in her being locked up. He wanted me to get involved in the nitty gritty, and when i declined we fell out. He is now back with her. STAY AWAY!!

[Disting]

I guess the overwhelming advise is to say nothing. Thats what I tend to agree with. Consequenses for speaking up can go so many ways including making me unpopular in the village.

I cant understand how he doesnt see what is going on. Most of us tend to live our lives on quite strict routines and when they change, something is normally wrong or there is a good reason for it. I suppose there are always two sides to any story but it just pisses me off to see it going on with somebody I know

[Gary A]

I was on a baht bus in Pattaya with a Canadian friend. A guy got on the bus with an obvious katoey. My friend was whispering to me about if he should tell the guy. I told my friend that he would be ahead to mind his own business. He couldn't stand it and finally asked the guy if he knew the true gender of the person he was with. The guy VERY promptly told my friend to mind his own F'KIN business. That was good advice then and still is good advice.

[Lickey]

Not being the sharpest knife in the drawer has nothing to do with it, when something like this is going on, village people clam up, same happened in our village 2 months ago, i mey this euro man at a local festival about 14 months ago, he was very pleasant and we made friends, he would come round n the evening for a beer and a chat,he came back to Thai after a few months and we never saw him, apparantly his GF told him we were bad people and to stay away from us, when he went home, his GF got married to another European man, my missus went to the wedding last July. October comes and no1 is here again, not knowing anything about this, his GF is in Europe with husband!!! he looks after her young son and her family, we resume our chats and beer ect, but im so tongue in cheek all the time, on his last day here, missus tells him all, hes not angry with GF but with the lies her family told him, anyway, he goes home and we keep in touch by e-mail ect..

Next day GFs mother calls my missus, hey!! you got big mouth, he send us 6000bht a month, husband send 10000 bht a month, now we loose 6000 bht, missus tells her, everybody in village know your daughter not straight, so i help this man!!! later that day GFs father comes round, he says to missus, thankyou, i wanted to tell him but cant speak english, Havent heard anymore from the family since, So you could mind your buisness or dwell on it for the rest of your life when things go tits up, Has he built a house for family, improved the farm ect, made a big investment for them? if so, he has a lot to loose by confronting her, if not, nothing to loose, and perhaps gain HIV or Aids or some STD, bit of soul searching from you will help make your own decesion, Rgds, Lickey.

[yorkman]

Not being the sharpest knife in the drawer has nothing to do with it, when something like this is going on, village people clam up, same happened in our village 2 months ago, i mey this euro man at a local festival about 14 months ago, he was very pleasant and we made friends, he would come round n the evening for a beer and a chat,he came back to Thai after a few months and we never saw him, apparantly his GF told him we were bad people and to stay away from us, when he went home, his GF got married to another European man, my missus went to the wedding last July. October comes and no1 is here again, not knowing anything about this, his GF is in Europe with husband!!! he looks after her young son and her family, we resume our chats and beer ect, but im so tongue in cheek all the time, on his last day here, missus tells him all, hes not angry with GF but with the lies her family told him, anyway, he goes home and we keep in touch by e-mail ect..

Next day GFs mother calls my missus, hey!! you got big mouth, he send us 6000bht a month, husband send 10000 bht a month, now we loose 6000 bht, missus tells her, everybody in village know your daughter not straight, so i help this man!!! later that day GFs father comes round, he says to missus, thankyou, i wanted to tell him but cant speak english, Havent heard anymore from the family since, So you could mind your buisness or dwell on it for the rest of your life when things go tits up, Has he built a house for family, improved the farm ect, made a big investment for them? if so, he has a lot to loose by confronting her, if not, nothing to loose, and perhaps gain HIV or Aids or some STD, bit of soul searching from you will help make your own decesion, Rgds, Lickey.

Phew!! where is Namson? Tricky the politics in that village eh?

Edited December 24, 2007 by yorkman

[Lickey]

if you have a map, we are 10 o clock and 100ks from Udon, Happy Xmas, Lickey..

[Ken]

Was sitting in my Sala just the other day "sipping" an Archa. Another Farang stopped by and we chatted for a short period. I happen to know he is in just about the same situation as the guy mentioned in the OP. Did I tell him? No. As said above it appears to be best to MYOB (Mind your own business). However if the Farang was a very good, close friend, then and only then would I say anything. And unfortuantely the OP happens fairly often, though I wouldn't say it is so in the majority of cases, but many.

[AYJAYDEE]

What would you do in this situation.

I have known a fellow expat in the same area as mine for some years. I and all of the village know that his wife is shagging around. The village dont like it and they dont like his wife so much now.

Would you tell him or ignore it. Its a tricky situation to be in. Always the problem of what happens after you say something.

Any opinions?

theres a good chance he could get angry at you for spreading lies about his wife!! perhaps he cannot see the truth. very complicted situation. happened to me once but the guy was an aquaintance only. i chose to avoid both him and his wife. i tend to agree with the locals that it is up to the guy to have his eyes open. its usually pretty obvious if one really looks. if it was a friend?? hmmm! first i would try and figure out if he is the type to shoot the messenger.

[bina]

in any village 'mai mee qwam laap' (no secrets) and from what i see of men and women in general who have a partner cheating on the side is that often if not most of the time, the other half knows but ignores (or suspects but doesnt want to believe what he /she sees hears whatever)...

the only time i break silence is if a child is in immediate danger (young teenage daughter having unprotected sex, child involved in drugs, abuse. anything between HIM/HER is THEIRS only... MYOB)

and it doesnt matter if its kibbutz or muubaan udonthani, the rules of the game are the same (and i'm a woman, and i think most women would say something eventually but not directly, but hinting questions. if he cant get the hints, well, som naam na........)

bina

[sweetchariot]

This was not in Thailand, but just my 2 satangs worth.

I moved to a village in the UK, and met a colleague who was the same level as me in the bank, but alot more successful. I looked up to him, and wanted to be friends, but always stayed at arms length as I was the newcomer, and he and his mates had all grown up together.

As we got to know each other a bit more, and I spent time with him and his wife, I discovered that she was shagging around. All his mates had known about this for years, but didn't have the bottle to say anything. As soon as I had some first person evidence - at a party at his house, he went to bed pissed and she was all over one of his 'mates'- I told him the next day.

We have been the closest of friends ever since (about 5 yrs ago), and he still cannot understand why none of his 'mates' told him about what was going on. I was scared to tell him as I thought he would just get angry with me, but we built up a trust level to the point where he did believe me. He confronted her and she 'fessed up.

They sorted it out and are now back together, they are 2 of my closest friends and are coming to LOS to visit in the new year.

Forget all the BS about STD's, family etc. Put yourself in the man's shoes. Would you respect a friend/ acquaintance more for telling you, or lying to you? I (and my friend) would be more p!ssed off with so called mates not telling me, than risking upsetting me.

Tell him - but make sure you have more evidence than hearsay first.

Sorry long post, but this was quite a life changing decision for me. I swore at the time if I ever knew about this kind of sh!t going on I would tell the guy, friend or acquaintance.

[lukey1979]

If he was just an aquaintance i would reluctantly keep my mouth shut. However, If he was a friend i would definately tell him and i would'nt care or live in fear of his Gf's family. Thats what friends are for you go through the thick of it together. If after telling him he takes his wife side and your supposed friendship is lost then ''Mai pen rai'' this guy was never a true friend. I feel that strongly about it, i believe that a friend not telling his buddy about his girlfriends infedility is little short of cowardice.

[geriatrickid]

Wow, such romantic excitement going on in your part of Thailand. All we get down here in Phuket is musical barboy/girl liasons. You 100% certain there is cheating going on?

Smalltown folks are such malicious gossips and will twist and turn stuff around to make innocent events seem evil. Unless someone has seen these two folks cheating, then really, there is no conclusive evidence is there? What if you were seen with a ladyfriend and were close? Would you want folks spreading rumours about you? Guys and girls can be friends and not always lovers. Heck, I got one of my Thai friends visiting me for a few days in my 99.9% farang condo and people think he's my gay lover. Even the maid thought so and didn't bother making the sofabed for him until I told her to. I never have girls sleep over here and now that my friend shows up, the <deleted> building is alive with a nice rumour about me. The old coots and layabouts have nothing better to do, so think before you do something, cuz if my friend finds the tard that called security to complain about a "prostitute" the complainant will get a fistful of Thai heterosexual anger.

[Lickey]

Not sure where you are going with your reply, i think OP is talking about falang friends, not Thai friends, so what do we have in our village? well, weve got a lake with a buddha temple in the middle, and thats about it really, so why would a falang come here to see a girl?[an already married to falang girl] to put it bluntly, she knows her honeypot is worth a lot of money for her and her family, thanks to the internet girls the world over can arrange different times to see a falang or get married whatever, and get money for her poor family,

[WISteve]

I think geriatrickid is simply warning us that rumors and gossip about a relationship can be wrong on a regular basis.

I've been divorced for a dozen years and if I'm seen anywhere around small town America with a female friend or employee the tongues immediately start wagging. I've learned that if I wish to go out for dinner I need to make sure there are three or four of us and I'm careful to drive separate cars and if possible leave at separate times. I don't give a hoot what they say about me, but I don't want them talking badly about a friend.

As for the OP:

IF I was absolutely certain that something nefarious was going on and,

IF he was a close friend, and

IF he could be materially harmed or was in physical danger because of the sideshow, then

I would speak up in a private situation and with clear evidence of why I did it.

Anything short of that and it's mind your own business.

~WISteve

[tracer5050]

Stay out of it , she may need a sa. me NOI LOL

[farangconnection]

I know loads of guys that are sleeping around..................................but then that is totally acceptable isn't it?