Making Friends With Gay

[Onnutrd]

I've been in Thailand with my boyfriend for 4 months now..

He's a Thai and we met in Christchurch (NZ) almost 2 years ago..

With the normality of gayness in Thailand, it's hard not to accept more of the 'gay lifestyle'. In NZ I did not know any gay individuals, and had quite a straight lifestyle..

My boyfriend seems jealous when I even speak of making another Thai 'friend' (such as what happened when I was at Immigration extending my visa, btw the friend happened to be a guy...and he came to me, honestly!).

Now in Thailand where being gay is quite ok, I'd like to get in touch with my 'gayness' by knowing more gay people and accepting it into my lifestyle...

In straight relationships the husband does'nt really know any gals and the wife does'nt really make friends with any guys.

So my question is...in a gay relationship, should we only make friends of the opposite gender (instead of with the same gender)?Is it dependent on some variable? Or, is my bf thinking way too deep?

Anyone with the same issue?Or is it just my bf?hmmmmmmmmmmm..................

Edited January 12, 2008 by Onnutrd

[donshows]

I've been in Thailand with my boyfriend for 4 months now..

He's a Thai and we met in Christchurch (NZ) almost 2 years ago..

With the normality of gayness in Thailand, it's hard not to accept more of the 'gay lifestyle'. In NZ I did not know any gay individuals, and had quite a straight lifestyle..

My boyfriend seems jealous when I even speak of another 'friend' I made today (such as what happened when i was at Immigration extending my visa, btw the friend was a guy).

Now in Thailand where being gay is quite ok, I'd like to get in touch with my 'gayness' by knowing my gay people and accepting it into my lifestyle...

In straight relationships (for the sake of comparison), the husband does'nt really know any gals and the wife does'nt really make friends with any guys.

So my question is...in a gay relationship, should we only make friends of the opposite gender (instead of with the same gender)?

Anyone with the same issue?Or is just my bf?hmmmmmmmmmmm..................

Hi: Well..I'm going to go another direction with your posting. Most, if not all of my gay Thai friends believe that it is difficult to be gay in Thailand and they are certain that it is much easier to be gay in a Western country. Their families want them to get married and have babies! Several of my farang friends have lost their Thai boyfriend because they had to get married.

My partner and I don't have the issue of friends of the same sex. He is much more concerned about the money boys and the go go boys. There is a class barrier in Thailand.

[geriatrickid]

donshows, man you so got it. You just described one of my friends. I always get a chuckle from knowing that the only times he goes out to "gay" clubs is when he flies in to Phuket to visit me the str8 guy, and off we go. I have another friend that has a fairly stable rltnshp with his b/f with no sleeping around and he has a gaggle of gay buds and no one gets jealous.

As for the observation, "In straight relationships the husband doesn't really know any gals and the wife does'nt really make friends with any guys". Not true. All of my friends have friends of the opposite sex and will do lunch or whatever. Depends on the rltnshp. I bet if you ask some of the older guys in here, they'll tell you that they've had gay friends that date back eons with whom they did silly stuff and they still get together to relive their heyday as goofy twinks. All depends on where the rltnshp is and how mature the parties are I reckon.

[PeaceBlondie]

When I pretended to be straight, I gravitated to gay men at work in my general age range, because I was comfortable around them. But I had some straight lady friends, too. Your mileage will vary.

After I came out as gay, I kept most of my old friends, and added gay friends of various types. Here in Thailand, my partner does not want me being too close to any Thai that might be competition in our relationship. But I can have all the gay farang friends I want, and he has lots of gay Thai friends (including a lesbian). I just made a dinner appointment with a moderator on ThaiVisa, and my partner's first question was, "Is he a gay?" It didn't matter, though, because he's a farang.

I think it's normal for gay farang men in Thailand to have an informal network of like-minded friends, and a network of like-minded but tolerant, straight farang friends. I don't want to limit my circle of companionship to one gender or one sexual orientation or one nationality.

[taned]

Jealousy is a trait that we all have in different measures. I see jealousy as a good thing sometimes, it can show that someone cares for you. It's concern and it's natural. I think that generally in my experience Thais are more prone to be jealous than farang. My Thai partner has had instances of jealousy about my straight female farang friends. I just try to assure him that he is the only one I care for and that I love him with all my heart.

We are beginning to feel much more stability in our relationship now and the instances of jealousy are fewer and less extreme now, but I maintain that a little bit is healthy in any relationship.

As far as I'm concerned you shouldn't filter your friends by sexuality. Friendship should be more natural than that. Don't think about it too much and trust in your relationship.

[peekint]

I don't think there's a general rule here, and I don't think the "straight" model is applicable.

If it was, it means gay couples couldn't have other gay couples as friends, either!

I might suggest that your friend will be more comfortable if, instead of meeting new "single" gay men, you both try to meet other couples, whether they are western/western or western/thai.

The LYC organization (www.lycinnternational.org) is a great way to do that. There are two chapters here, one in BKK and one in Chiang Mai. You can get to both their sites from the international site. (BKK is called "Thailand" and Chiang Mai is called "Chiang Mai" there) LYC is a social club, but lots of the participants are already coupled.

Perhaps your friend was sensing the motivation on the part of your pursuer as opposed to your own motivation?

Have a talk with him, and work it out. That's the way to build a relationship.

[expatwannabe]

Best to stick to gay "couples" as friends. A three-wheeled cart seems to find a lot of potholes in the road.

[suegha]

I'm not sure I understand what's going on here. Both my wife and I have both straight friends and gay friends. What's the problem?

You should make your friends regardless of their sex or sexuality!

[Espada]

i have both straight and gay friends. they don't seem to have any problem though. i'm Thai but most of my friends are westerner. white skin guy attractive here ...LOL

i'm not encourage you to do anything to harm your relationship. wanna make sure just friend for friendship, nothing else behind that.

[PeaceBlondie]

My two older sisters, about 9,000 ex-co-workers, 7,000 former students (that was Thailand, so maybe 6,229 ), most of my Christian co-worshipers, my ex-wife, all my kids and grandkids, most of my bosses in every country - all of them are as straight as a flagpole. If I had to rely only on openly gay friends, I'd be lonely. No need to shut out 95% of humanity.

[peter991]

Onnutrd: From personal observation, Thai guys can be incredibly jealous for a long time until they learn that your heart belongs to them and you only want to be friends with other guys. Maybe your Thai guy is a little bit different as you met him overseas and he has seen how overseas people live.

It can take a Thai bf a long time to realise it is possible to have another male as a friend and not just a sex partner.

I think it comes down to one word: Trust.

I hope things work out for both of you.

Peter

[ProThaiExpat]

Yes, I think there is a factor of gay Thais with falang partners who display what the falang partner views as unsubstantiated jealousy of Thai friends.

My Thai partner displays excessive jealousy as do all the Thais who have falang boyfriends that I know, notwithstanding that they urge their falang boyfriends to " take a boy", but I doubt they mean it.

I put it down to protecting a good thing they have from danger of losing it even if there is no grounds for that belief. Yes I have played the re-assurance game a lot but to no effect.

[farang prince]

Yes, I think there is a factor of gay Thais with falang partners who display what the falang partner views as unsubstantiated jealousy of Thai friends.

My Thai partner displays excessive jealousy as do all the Thais who have falang boyfriends that I know, notwithstanding that they urge their falang boyfriends to " take a boy", but I doubt they mean it.

I put it down to protecting a good thing they have from danger of losing it even if there is no grounds for that belief. Yes I have played the re-assurance game a lot but to no effect.

My Thai ladyboy is very jealous, which just cracks me up and makes me love her even more...how can you be jealous over a 61-year-old farang when you are one of Thailand's most beautiful ladyboys? But that's my baby for you. I guess she sees something of merit in me.

We have a lot of ladyboy friends in Thailand, but my partner really doesn't trust any of them. And we have a wide variety of friends in the USA...I don't trust any of them either. Hehehehehehe. I think that keeps us both very focused on our relationship.

[Rionoir]

In all fairness to your Thai boyfriend... you have to realize that SO many farang with Thai BFs end up cheating on them and becoming Man-Whores after they move to Thailand. It's like a kid in a candy store for many guys.

That aside... it is POSSIBLE... I've been single for quite a while and I even manage to have lots of gay Thai friends without sleeping around. However to be honest, lots of them have told me they want to sleep with me... but if you consistently hang out as friends and don't cross that line, then eventually you can become one of their brothers and that issue goes away... my friends even share my bed when they need to and I have no problem with them making advances or anything.

Like everyone said... it does come down to trust. If ur new "friends" for example don't ever want to hang out with ur bf and you together... well... then you know what they want.

And... do you trust YOURSELF? Enough to meet strangers for friendship in Thailand? Most of these guys aren't for friendship regardless of what they say... so just be careful, it's very easy to get seduced with all the guys that will want to meet you.

[Ijustwannateach]

^To be fair, what's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander- Thai gays are not famed for their monogamy, and it's not quite fair to paint them in the light of the "injured party" nationality-wise...

[Rionoir]

That's a very broad brush you are painting with super moderator There are plenty of faithful Thai boys, especially when one dates in their own age bracket. Enough said. (I don't know the personal situations of anyone here btw... just saying...)

(besides that we are talking about one particular thai boy, who has been dating one person for 2 years, and the OP said nothing about him showing signs of unfaithfulness, and that was in a country filled with farang...)

Edited February 26, 2008 by Rionoir

[Ijustwannateach]

If we're talking generalities, stick to generalities- leaving aside the OP's issues (though maybe we are getting a bit off-topic), you were referring to foreigners in a general kind of way, I was referring to Thais in a general kind of way. I'm not saying that foreigners are saints- just that Thais are not saints either- just as you can say that there are plenty of faithful Thais, I can say there are plenty of faithful foreigners- 'cause there are.

As far as age goes, you may have hit the OP's nail on the head- the younger the hornier, usually, and that may have something to do with OP's questions. I tend to make better friends more easily with older gays (Thai or foreign) whereas the younger ones either want to be pretty physically involved or else don't really have much time for one. Similar in other countries, too, as far as I've seen. OP and his boyfriend may be of that age where if you're friends with another gay of similar age it implies you've slept with them, want to sleep with them, or probably will sleep with them, and that may be creating the jealous projection. No real solution except age and maturity- in the meantime, OP may want to ensure that all his friends are sufficiently physically unattractive to avoid his partner's anxiety.

"S"

[troyboy6]

My two older sisters, about 9,000 ex-co-workers, 7,000 former students (that was Thailand, so maybe 6,229 ), most of my Christian co-worshipers, my ex-wife, all my kids and grandkids, most of my bosses in every country - all of them are as straight as a flagpole. If I had to rely only on openly gay friends, I'd be lonely. No need to shut out 95% of humanity.

So why shut out 95% of humanity? Where r u coming from - what a selfhating person u must be - according to your reasoning (and you most probably have the statistics to prove it) only 5% of the population is gay? - r u in Thailand or what?

[PeaceBlondie]

My two older sisters, about 9,000 ex-co-workers, 7,000 former students (that was Thailand, so maybe 6,229 ), most of my Christian co-worshipers, my ex-wife, all my kids and grandkids, most of my bosses in every country - all of them are as straight as a flagpole. If I had to rely only on openly gay friends, I'd be lonely. No need to shut out 95% of humanity.

So why shut out 95% of humanity? Where r u coming from - what a selfhating person u must be - according to your reasoning (and you most probably have the statistics to prove it) only 5% of the population is gay? - r u in Thailand or what?

Pardon me, troyboy, but where are you coming from? This is a discussion of having non-gay friends, and I just said (or I meant to say) there is no need to shut out all the folks in the world who are not gay. How does that make me a self-hating person? I am in Thailand, but the worldwide statistics seem to bear out that in most of the world, only about 5 percent of all adults are exclusively gay. I know it is still fashionable to claim ten percent of all adults may have had some brief same-sex contact, but there is no need for us to claim the whole world is gay. Even Thailand, where the figures are higher but nowhere near 25% (I have no stats for that).

//Pardon me, perhaps the main discussion was making friends with gay, but the conversation, like our posters, swings both ways.

[TopChinese]

Anyone with the same issue?Or is it just my bf?hmmmmmmmmmmm..................

Its just your bf.

[Scott]

I've been with my bf for the past 20 years and he is still jealous--with good reason. I am horribly unfaithful--but only with my body, not with my soul. He also knows this, but anytime we meet people and I have a decent conversation with someone, he's sure I am going to hop in bed with them.

He doesn't seem to mind that I do that, but he does seem to mind that he might lose face, if it is with someone he knows or is friends with--so that I don't do. Well, I don't do it anymore.

Most of his friends are so damned good-looking and well educated that I wouldn't stand a chance unless I drugged them, so I am very happy that he still things I am that desirable!

Thai society is quite different from many Western societies and people are more used to be constantly watched in order them from doing 'bad' things. In Western societies, this tends to be more internalized and we refer to it as 'trust'. Thus, Thai bf's will often feel a need to watch you more and trust you less.

I don't know that this is always a bad judgement on their part.

Best of luck to you and do remember that no two relationships are the same and it's about finding your way. Jealousy is common in all cultures.

[zorro1]

I've been with my bf for the past 20 years and he is still jealous--with good reason. I am horribly unfaithful--but only with my body, not with my soul. He also knows this, but anytime we meet people and I have a decent conversation with someone, he's sure I am going to hop in bed with them.

He doesn't seem to mind that I do that, but he does seem to mind that he might lose face, if it is with someone he knows or is friends with--so that I don't do. Well, I don't do it anymore.

.

Im srt8 and this is an interesting post right up until this one here. Those two paragraphs are extraordinary and I really don't know what to say except I have read them over 4 times and still don't know what to say. And I thought women were confusing

[popshirt]

I've been with my bf for the past 20 years and he is still jealous--with good reason. I am horribly unfaithful--but only with my body, not with my soul. He also knows this, but anytime we meet people and I have a decent conversation with someone, he's sure I am going to hop in bed with them.

He doesn't seem to mind that I do that, but he does seem to mind that he might lose face, if it is with someone he knows or is friends with--so that I don't do. Well, I don't do it anymore.

.

Im srt8 and this is an interesting post right up until this one here. Those two paragraphs are extraordinary and I really don't know what to say except I have read them over 4 times and still don't know what to say. And I thought women were confusing

Not confusing to me. Many people (str8 and gay) can separate body and soul when it comes to sex. I am with Scott on this and know that I am ultimately faithful to my bf even when I am with someone else.

On the other hand, I am reminded of something attributed to Andre Gide: " I have never had sex with anyone I didn't love, at least for the moment...."