My Problem

[cookieneedshelp]

so heres my storie for those who are interested and could possibly offer some advice for me it would be appreciated!

i am a 22 year old english lad, i travelled to pattaya in febuary last year to visit some friends who have been living there for the past 3 years, in marine disco one night i met a girl and took a girl back to my hotel, and in the morning she left, never having actually taken a prostitute back to my room before the whole persona around it i found quite dirty and didn't plan on making a habit of it, but to her it all seemed normal,

during songkran the following month, i met the same girl down soi 8, and after having a few drinks together i actually got to know her quite well, over the next few days we went out to eat together and would go drinking down walking street together most nights, she never asked me for hardly any money and we got on really well.

about a week after meeting her again i asked her to move in to my apartment with me and she did, we spent the next 2 months together, and both fell in love with each other,

I did the usual thing of going to her home in buri ram meeting her family and all the rest of it, and she returned home to buri ram when i returned to england,

i would speak to her on the phone everyday, i had always told her that i wasn't the sort of person who would send her loads of money or anything like that, but i did send her a bit, she constantly assured me that she wasn't interested in my money and that she really loved me, now i am well aware that thai's and the women in most are prolific liars but this girl seemed very sincere and truthful, i would listen to her son and family and she would take photos on her phone everyday so i could see she had stayed in her home whilst i was working and saving money to return.

2 months later i returned and we rented a house together off the sukhumvit road, we stayed together all the time and had a buddist ceromony in her home and in october last year we got married in bangkok. and i am very much in love with her as i'm sure 100% she is with me but my problem is this!

I can't forget what she did before she met me, i am 100% certain she has been completely faithfull to me since the day we met, but the more i ask her about how many men she has been with and where they come from and what there names were, and how old they were, and the more i find out the more my head goes crazy, i wasn't looking for a virgin wife and i knew when i married her thats not what i was getting, but why can't i stop thinking about it, constantly! we could be the happiest couple ever if i could just stop thinking about it and going mad at her for it, i know i can't change her past, but why can't i stop thinking about it? i think it's because i love her so much and the thought of her having sex with one other man let alone however many she has been with does my head in, i call her all the bad names under the sun (i.e you dirty bitch) and then i feel like shit, she is a really good girl to me, she washes my clothes cooks my food, i trust her wholeheartedly.

this is driving me mad!

any suggestions would be great, cheers everybody!

my problem is this

[legag]

Either you TRUST her or you don't. It's your inner believe bothering you. Kinda hard for this age and stage to be bargirlwise. I'm not blaming you. Take your time and see how it goes. What is going on now it isn't healthy for both of you (calling her names and stuff).

[cali4995]

Well you'd better get over it in a hurry or you're going to destroy your relationship.

It was amazingly fortunate of you to meet a semi-decent girl who appears to have

genuine feelings for you. What you need to be worrying about at this point, are her

Thai girlfriends whispering poison in her ear, upcoming demands of additional

family members. Or Thai men wanting to get thier hands on her humble income

by any method necessary. You've got more serious stuff to think about cookie.

[njpski]

has she asked you about your sex life before you met her?

the past is the past and can't be changed - only the future you make together counts

You knew her previous occupation - if it wasn't an issue for you to marry her, then it should not be now

[cookieneedshelp]

no i trust her for sure, thats not the issue, it's just me not bieng able to forget what she done before she met me, we have a great relationship other than this.

i understand what u mean about not bieng bargirl wise but i don't see her as your architypal bar girl i.e she's never had or wanted loads of different boyfriends to send her money and she isn't like a "up to you" sort of girl, she's smart and she has a goodheart, which makes it harder for me to take in the fact that she was a prostitute.

i just find it so hard to forget, and no it really is unhealthy i would die if we split up so i guess i have to find a way just to blank it out.

cheers

[tattoodrob]

if you cant handle it u should have thought about it before you married her .dont mean to be harsh.

also asking her was a mistake ie how many men,how old etc..........it was her job.....she would have no money if she didnt go with all ages and types,did you expect she would say "only a few handsome young guys".

the ladies here are very easily detached from there emotions when it comes to the "boomsing" unlike the average english girl ......as i said it is just a job to her.

you are winding yourself up mate and you will cause this relationship to end before it takes its natural course.

you should be glad she isnt asking for money for this and that .....yet.

[cookieneedshelp]

i know, it's me in myhead thats the problem but w've been together for a year now and been married for 5 months but it's very clear to me that i will never be able to forget, so i know it's gunna be hard but i think i'm going to have to finish it because theres no point in staying in a relationship where were both not happy.

i wish the situation was different but as much as i love her and i know she does me, i'll always just see her as a prostitute, and thats no basis for a relationship.

[legag]

Question is why you're married to her in a first place? Didn't think about her career's fact until tied the knot? This is unfair. I think you'd better have an open up convo with her and sort this out asap.

Work it out or end now or it costs more damages.

Edited January 16, 2008 by legag

[kennkate]

Thats a bit harsh Cookie, You got married to the girl.

Now you say you cant hack it.

Lets put it this way if you had met her under differant circumstances,

would you be asking her how many men have you been with ?

I doubt you would, nor would she have told you about her past. Would all be well if that was the case ?

If you love her like you said you did just move forward and don't look back

Or is there more to it ?

[cookieneedshelp]

yeah it killed me knowing about it before we got married but i did it because i loved her and i thought in time i would learn to accept it, but if anything it's got worse, i know it's crazy but thats whats happened,

and i know if i finish with her she's going to look stupid and lose alot of face in front of her family and everything but what can i do?

[cookieneedshelp]

no theres nothing more to it, she won't even look at or talk to another man when we go out, she doesn't want to associate with any of her former friends or anything like that, she is completely reformed i know it's all me.

[swain]

The past is the past... and it seems you paid a young lady to be with you as well... so its the girl you are married to but still and there are some benefits to this situation as well. She is more than likely not uptight about sex, and explores all aspects of her sexuality in a healthy active way. You on the other hand seem to have issues regarding sex. Double standards men are studs... women are sluts... etc.. I am sure you have her buying into the idea that she is tainted goods, get over it quickly or get some help. Its not her problem.. its yours.

[tattoodrob]

no theres nothing more to it, she won't even look at or talk to another man when we go out, she doesn't want to associate with any of her former friends or anything like that, she is completely reformed i know it's all me.

jeeeeeesus! its normally the ladies messing us about but you take the biscuit,you must be doing her head in and if you finish with her shes well within her rights to be very angry especially as she has turned her self around and seems like the perfect wife.you talk about her past as being bad but as a young man you decided to go with a prostitute and pay her .......so you being a bit hypocritical there as its ok for your morals to be wrong but hers couldnt...and lets face it these girls havent got much of a future without working as a ho.....its not like in england where they could easily find a fairly well paying job.

i think if you finish with her for your reason then you should compensate her for wasting her time....what th hel_l is she gona tell her family,they probably would rather she didnt fall in love and just found a fat rich guy but no she falls for an undecisive young un......no wonder you see the girls with the old guys...they dont mess them about like this.

maybe you saw it as achallenge and now she is reformed you want to help another poor young ho!!!!!

[tattoodrob]

The past is the past... and it seems you paid a young lady to be with you as well... so its the girl you are married to but still and there are some benefits to this situation as well. She is more than likely not uptight about sex, and explores all aspects of her sexuality in a healthy active way. You on the other hand seem to have issues regarding sex. Double standards men are studs... women are sluts... etc.. I am sure you have her buying into the idea that she is tainted goods, get over it quickly or get some help. Its not her problem.. its yours.

maybe he would be happier with a fat english girl who is fed up with sex about a month after marrying her......personally as hes a young man he may be getting ribbed about marrying a hooker from thailand and that may be doing his head in.im sure if i married that young to a girl from thailand then my mates would be putting the boot in....but he could possibly get the last laugh as his mrs will only be about 2kg heavier in 10 years than she is now,an english girl will be that about 1 week after marrying.and there aint many lasses in england that are happy to take care there man...cleaning,cookin etc.

u need to think young man and sort yourself out,the past is the past,how would you feel if she finished with you coz of something you did before she met you.....not on is it.....you say you really love her but can finish with her.....is it really love or novelty worn off mr.

[cookieneedshelp]

i suppose the stick that i get from everyone doesn't help, and i understand what your saying about her finishing with me for something i'd done before would be well out of order! these comments really help me to put things in perspective a little, i know i'm bieng an arsehol_e to her.

[cali4995]

If you could only see what some of these other guys go through. Sending them ridiculous amounts of money every

month, and not only are they not being faithful, they talk about the guys as if they're stupid (debatable). I've ruined

relationships before with similarly nice girls for nonsensical reasons. Appreciate what you've got.

[Mighty Mouse]

Give yourself an uppercut...better still, give yourself two uppercuts. Try and knock some sense into your head.

This girl was no different to millions of other unattached girls around the world, she engaged in casual sex. She regarded it a means to an end by accepting money for her services. The other girls around the world either give it away or accept gifts of diamonds, sports cars and houses.

Now she has only you and has settled into a married lifestyle. She is the stable one and you are the problem.

You will never find a woman who doesn't have a past. Don't think of the past, plan for the future.

My advice: Start thinking positively, respect your wife, trust your wife, love your wife....or....seek some professional help from a shrink.

[KEVINMIKE]

yeah it killed me knowing about it before we got married but i did it because i loved her and i thought in time i would learn to accept it, but if anything it's got worse, i know it's crazy but thats whats happened,

and i know if i finish with her she's going to look stupid and lose alot of face in front of her family and everything but what can i do?

been there done that, think of the good things not the bad ,dont worry about any body else or what they say ,suck it up and enjoy each other while you can

things will be fine,good luck

[Naam]

i know, it's me in myhead thats the problem but w've been together for a year now and been married for 5 months but it's very clear to me that i will never be able to forget, so i know it's gunna be hard but i think i'm going to have to finish it because theres no point in staying in a relationship where were both not happy.

i wish the situation was different but as much as i love her and i know she does me, i'll always just see her as a prostitute, and thats no basis for a relationship.

your only problem is that you are a little boy. grow up and be a man! millions of husbands on this planets had and will have worse relationships than the one you describe. if you love her and she loves you then where's the problem?

[OlRedEyes]

You have a problem I'm afraid. You're outlook on life and sex is still very naive and that won't change with advice, the years have to pass. My bet is that is going to be the least of your problems in the nearish future. Not trying to run you down, but the odds of you heading into some serious life-experience pretty soon is high. Pointless to analyze it for you, you wouldn't believe it. Maybe you'll get lucky, but it's a rather small chance. So i'll offer no advice other than to build yourself a safety net, emotionally and financially until you can see the road ahead a bit clearer.

Be careful how much emotion, and finances, you invest in this relationship until then..... Especially emotion.

I never say this, but your post does sound troll-like. It's too much a dead setup for disaster. How many 22 yo's call themselves 'a lad'??

If you are not a troll, and you were older, I'd say be careful and enjoy the ride.

Edited January 17, 2008 by OlRedEyes

[lazeeboy]

so heres my storie for those who are interested and could possibly offer some advice for me it would be appreciated!

i am a 22 year old english lad, i travelled to pattaya in febuary last year to visit some friends who have been living there for the past 3 years, in marine disco one night i met a girl and took a girl back to my hotel, and in the morning she left, never having actually taken a prostitute back to my room before the whole persona around it i found quite dirty and didn't plan on making a habit of it, but to her it all seemed normal,

during songkran the following month, i met the same girl down soi 8, and after having a few drinks together i actually got to know her quite well, over the next few days we went out to eat together and would go drinking down walking street together most nights, she never asked me for hardly any money and we got on really well.

about a week after meeting her again i asked her to move in to my apartment with me and she did, we spent the next 2 months together, and both fell in love with each other,

I did the usual thing of going to her home in buri ram meeting her family and all the rest of it, and she returned home to buri ram when i returned to england,

i would speak to her on the phone everyday, i had always told her that i wasn't the sort of person who would send her loads of money or anything like that, but i did send her a bit, she constantly assured me that she wasn't interested in my money and that she really loved me, now i am well aware that thai's and the women in most are prolific liars but this girl seemed very sincere and truthful, i would listen to her son and family and she would take photos on her phone everyday so i could see she had stayed in her home whilst i was working and saving money to return.

2 months later i returned and we rented a house together off the sukhumvit road, we stayed together all the time and had a buddist ceromony in her home and in october last year we got married in bangkok. and i am very much in love with her as i'm sure 100% she is with me but my problem is this!

I can't forget what she did before she met me, i am 100% certain she has been completely faithfull to me since the day we met, but the more i ask her about how many men she has been with and where they come from and what there names were, and how old they were, and the more i find out the more my head goes crazy, i wasn't looking for a virgin wife and i knew when i married her thats not what i was getting, but why can't i stop thinking about it, constantly! we could be the happiest couple ever if i could just stop thinking about it and going mad at her for it, i know i can't change her past, but why can't i stop thinking about it? i think it's because i love her so much and the thought of her having sex with one other man let alone however many she has been with does my head in, i call her all the bad names under the sun (i.e you dirty bitch) and then i feel like shit, she is a really good girl to me, she washes my clothes cooks my food, i trust her wholeheartedly.

this is driving me mad!

any suggestions would be great, cheers everybody!

my problem is this

so every girl you met in england was a virgin ,i dont think so ,what happened before you met her means nothing ,what happens after is what is important......

[Zpete]

so heres my storie for those who are interested and could possibly offer some advice for me it would be appreciated!

i am a 22 year old english lad, i travelled to pattaya in febuary last year to visit some friends who have been living there for the past 3 years, in marine disco one night i met a girl and took a girl back to my hotel, and in the morning she left, never having actually taken a prostitute back to my room before the whole persona around it i found quite dirty and didn't plan on making a habit of it, but to her it all seemed normal,

during songkran the following month, i met the same girl down soi 8, and after having a few drinks together i actually got to know her quite well, over the next few days we went out to eat together and would go drinking down walking street together most nights, she never asked me for hardly any money and we got on really well.

about a week after meeting her again i asked her to move in to my apartment with me and she did, we spent the next 2 months together, and both fell in love with each other,

I did the usual thing of going to her home in buri ram meeting her family and all the rest of it, and she returned home to buri ram when i returned to england,

i would speak to her on the phone everyday, i had always told her that i wasn't the sort of person who would send her loads of money or anything like that, but i did send her a bit, she constantly assured me that she wasn't interested in my money and that she really loved me, now i am well aware that thai's and the women in most are prolific liars but this girl seemed very sincere and truthful, i would listen to her son and family and she would take photos on her phone everyday so i could see she had stayed in her home whilst i was working and saving money to return.

2 months later i returned and we rented a house together off the sukhumvit road, we stayed together all the time and had a buddist ceromony in her home and in october last year we got married in bangkok. and i am very much in love with her as i'm sure 100% she is with me but my problem is this!

I can't forget what she did before she met me, i am 100% certain she has been completely faithfull to me since the day we met, but the more i ask her about how many men she has been with and where they come from and what there names were, and how old they were, and the more i find out the more my head goes crazy, i wasn't looking for a virgin wife and i knew when i married her thats not what i was getting, but why can't i stop thinking about it, constantly! we could be the happiest couple ever if i could just stop thinking about it and going mad at her for it, i know i can't change her past, but why can't i stop thinking about it? i think it's because i love her so much and the thought of her having sex with one other man let alone however many she has been with does my head in, i call her all the bad names under the sun (i.e you dirty bitch) and then i feel like shit, she is a really good girl to me, she washes my clothes cooks my food, i trust her wholeheartedly.

this is driving me mad!

any suggestions would be great, cheers everybody!

my problem is this

<deleted>, get a life.

Ya cannot live in the past, it has passed.

Look ahead, if ya love her.

Leave her be, bet she not on your back alla time.

Forget it, yer yer own worst enemy.

[siamesekitty]

If you can't handle the answer, then don't ask.

Remember, she trusted you, so she told you the truth. Would you have preferred she lied to you? And if she lied to you and you found out, you'd be here lamenting just the same.

If you think you will never be able to accept it and it will be in the back of your mind forever, then don't carry on with the relationship. You will be wasting both your time and hers, not to mention cause more pain.

*edit: Just saw the part about her losing face if you end it now, and agree it's not fair to her. I suggest you see a psychologist and work through these thoughts with him/her. Sometimes these people can help put things in perspective.

Edited January 17, 2008 by siamesekitty

[onnut]

mate,

forget about the past, think of the future. she iswith you and if she is like you say then I think you are very lucky. loads of guys are not so.

did you also think she might be thinking your a dirty git for payin for sex? it works both ways.....

if you blow her out, she will take everything, maybe more.

look after the girl and she will look after you.

and what the heck are you doing getting married at22 anyway, way to young.

[chavy]

If your not giving her any cash & she's stopped doing her thing.....then how is she supporting the family back in Burriram ??

Anyway, if she's in love with you I cannot see your problem?? However, the issues you bring up are not valid and anyway you must have known what her job description was before getting into a relationship with her.

[cookieneedshelp]

cheers for the advice everyone,

i having been thinking alot about it, and i know i'm bieng a complete <deleted>, i've spoke to her aswell, and told her i'm going to try and put it out my mind, as she keeps telling me as many of you have said, the chances of actually finding a thai bargirl that is a good wife ie. doesn't fuc_k around, and ask for a shit load of money. are pretty fuc_kin slim, so i should be grateful.

other people don't help trying to fuc_k my head up saying things like you wouldn't marry a english prostitute so why marry a thai one?

but i appreciate all the comments, to the question about what is she doing to support her family now, basically due to her not working now, her fathers gone to work in bangkok and her mother started to sell fruit, while she takes care of her son at home. plus i left her 5000 baht before i came back to england last month and i'll probably send her 300 more soon but i'll be going back in about a month because she wants to do the whole buddhist ceremony thing.

any before everyone tell me about sin sot, we've already agreed the amount (£0)

cheers everyone

[cookieneedshelp]

3000 baht sorry, not 300. actually maybe 300. lol

[Jim's_a_Thai_Fox]

OP,

I have never been in your particular situation, sounds a bad one. you know what the problem is - you know it lies with you. Everyone here is telling you that you will be making a mistake to divorce her, and you know that they are right... but will that REALLY change your actions?

For what it is worth, my advice is to seek professional help in the form of "marriage guidance" or something very similar.

The grass is never greener on the other side. If you let her go, you are sure to miss her and could regret the decision for the rest of your life. You have made a decision to marry a woman - you owe it to yourself, her and not to mention her child to continue to be a mature adult and work through this.

No relationship is perfect my friend. You both love each other. As mentioned above, that genuinely is all you need to be happy. It is a shame you never know what you've got 'til it's gone...

My advice: don't be a fool. Take your time, give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up over it. Moreover, give her a break - you know that you can't blame her for this situation.

Good luck,

[Cobalt60]

You are letting your mind run riot and mostly I would think its because you are not with her and you are missing her like hel_l. You are in a feeling sorry, self pity cycle that feeds on itself and you are hurting the one you love and yourself. Get it out of your mind and start thinking the best of her and yourself and count the days down to your return, how can you hurt her like this, is what you need to ask yourself.

I used to laugh and dismiss the 'think too much' saying i used to hear, but i think it is quite valid.

You may guess, I sort of talk from experience by the way, i too am missing someone big time and I too fall into this trap ( miserable git to her) on the odd occasion.

Chok dee, and do the right thing by both of you.

Edited January 18, 2008 by Cobalt60

[cookieneedshelp]

You are letting your mind run riot and mostly I would think its because you are not with her and you are missing her like hel_l. You are in a feeling sorry, self pity cycle that feeds on itself and you are hurting the one you love and yourself. Get it out of your mind and start thinking the best of her and yourself and count the days down to your return, how can you hurt her like this, is what you need to ask yourself.

I used to laugh and dismiss the 'think too much' saying i used to hear, but i think it is quite valid.

You may guess, I sort of talk from experience by the way, i too am missing someone big time and I too fall into this trap ( miserable git to her) on the odd occasion.

Chok dee, and do the right thing by both of you.

top advice last two posts, cheers guys it does make me feel better and yes i am missing her like crazy! and she's in my head all the time which doesn't help! she is a very good girl and i will try very hard to treat her as such!

the fact that she has cut all ties with her former friends and is solely commited to me speaks volumes so i should return what she is putting into the relationship instead of just thinking about the past.

cheers again guys