My Partner Has Drinking Problem

[NorthernStar]

My partner has drinking problem. He can go without booze for a week or more if he has to. But once he starts drinking, he cannot stop. He drinks until he passes out somewhere and doesn't come home. Sometimes, if I'm out with him, I have to step in (usually after 3am) and drag him home - in which followed by big argument and/or fight and none of us gets to sleep until the sun comes up.

He has just moved to Thailand and started a new job. Situation at work has caused him stress, anxiety and depression. And that sure doesn't help at all.

He went out on boys night last night. He rang me at 1am saying that he might come home later. I rang him at 3am and he told me to <deleted> off as he was going to find a new place to drink. I knew where he was, but decided he had to learn his lesson a hard way (he's running short of money this month) so I didn't go out to get him home. He didn't want to come home anyway.

8am, I rang him again and his mobile was off. So, he has either passed out somewhere, or lost his mobile... again.

I'm not sure if his state is classified as alcoholism?

I love him to bits and want to help him. But I don't know how. When he is sober, he is okay and understands he has this problem. But once drinking pass the point of no return, he turns into a complete arsehol_e and verbally abuses me.

What can I do to help him? I'm at my wit's end with this problem.

[Bisto]

Your partner has no respect for you Tell him you have had enough of his drinking it is affecting your relationship.

[Mobi]

From the way you have described your partner's behaviour, there is no doubt in my mind that he is an alcoholic.

Many alcoholics can go days at a time without drinking, and then they binge drink.

If your partner doesn't take any remedial action he will only get worse to the point where he is a danger to you and others - including himself.

Many posters here try to rubbish the AA, but the organisation is very active in Thailand and there are meetings in Bangkok and most large towns.

When he is sober I suggest that you try to convince him to get help - either from the AA or some other therapeutic source.

Good luck

[Globeliner]

Everybody has their vices my dear, no one's perfect, living in Asia takes it's toll, you grab it by the balls or it grabs you.

My advice would be, have a chat with him, make it clear that you're not happy with his style, You should be more concerned about how many 'giks' he has under his belt.

[NorthernStar]

Thanks for replies.

I'm more concerned about how he is coping (or Not as the case may be) with a whole new experience of life and this job in Thailand. Not to mention suicides in his family in the past that I believe he hasn't really dealt with them yet. His drinking has damaged our relationship for quite a while now and I will leave him eventually, so the "giks" thing can wait.

And thanks Mobi for confirming my thought. I reckon he will find himself in deep shit here soon enough if he doesn't solve this problem. We have actually talked about this several times now and he always understands and admits (when he's sober) he has problem. And then he drinks.

The front desk girl just told me he is now home. I will find out how much he spent last night when I get home. Hopefully all, so he just might realise how big his problem is.

Apart from AA, what are other ways?

[Globeliner]

You will leave him eventually? Not a nice move, maybe he needs someone to be there for him who is strong?

[NorthernStar]

He and his mother still can't believe I am still by his side, after all the shit I've been through with him. Just spoke to him a couple of hours ago and found out he did spend ALL his money last night and lose his mobile. That's mobile number 2 in the past three weeks.

And his exact words...

"You're too good to me. I wouldn't bother coming back, if I were you."

Or a text after yet another argument, where he wrote "Sorry for being a pain. Thanks for being there for me."

Trust that gives you some idea whether or not I have tried to be strong and to help him.

Any other questions?

[dekka007]

give it awhile. Seen it a lot of times with new arrivals to Thailand. The novelty of the bars, girls, nightlife will wear off eventually always does....

Usually with a rude awakening in realising how much baht is being drained.

Try get him down to 1 night out a week with the guys for a start.

Edited February 22, 2008 by dekka007

[NorthernStar]

Thanks, dekka007. I hope so too.

[garro]

Hi Northern Star, I was in the same position as your partner and there was nothing anybody around me could do to make me stop. I would not stop for anybody else, and I resented those who got in the way of my drinking. Of course I would show suitable remorse when I screwed up or become morose and depressed when drunk.

I don't know if there is anything that you can do to stop your boyfriend's decline. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to leave him. It's very understandable. I am sure that your boyfriend could be a great person if sober. Who knows, you might want to return to him if he sorts his act out.

Your partner needs to want to stop. I don't think that you can make him want to stop but maybe I'm wrong. Thailand is a place where many drunks hit rock bottom but it is also a place where people get sober.

If your boyfriend needs to speak to someone get him to pm me. There are plenty of recovery options if he becomes willing.

I wish you both all the best.

Paul

Edited February 22, 2008 by garro

[dekka007]

I think we are jumping to conclusions here that the said person is an alcholic. I reckon he is not and is just adjusting to life out here. Thailand on first encounter is a roller coaster as most people would agree until you find your feet and "Calm it".

Give the guy some time. I think just because he likes a bender he gets classed as one......not correct.

[Chris Lawrence]

Try getting to a CoDa or Alanon meeting or look up on internet and read some of the stories. You also have the problem by being around him while he is like this. It could also be good to get to see a D&A counselor for your self.

Other than that start puting some boudaries in place that have a positive outcome, Your outcomes of rescuring your partner will only reinforce in him that it is OK to abuse you. But the sad thing here is you are giving him the green light to continue?

[Globeliner]

give it awhile. Seen it a lot of times with new arrivals to Thailand. The novelty of the bars, girls, nightlife will wear off eventually always does....

Usually with a rude awakening in realising how much baht is being drained.

Try get him down to 1 night out a week with the guys for a start.

agreed, well said.

[garro]

I think we are jumping to conclusions here that the said person is an alcholic. I reckon he is not and is just adjusting to life out here. Thailand on first encounter is a roller coaster as most people would agree until you find your feet and "Calm it".

Give the guy some time. I think just because he likes a bender he gets classed as one......not correct.

I'm only going by what the OP said;

My partner has drinking problem. He can go without booze for a week or more if he has to. But once he starts drinking, he cannot stop. He drinks until he passes out somewhere and doesn't come home.

When he is sober, he is okay and understands he has this problem.

He thinks he has a problem and she thinks he has a problem. In another post the OP mentioned that his mother thinks he has a problem. It doesn't matter what you call it. Alcohol seems to be making his life and the life of those around him miserable. This would suggest to me that he needs to stop drinking.

[Robski]

Go out and enjoy yourself, if you're not there when he gets back thats his tuff shit.

Continue to do so until he realises you're not going to pick up the pieces every time.

It's win win, either he straightens himself out (which he will only do when he decides)

or he doesn't and you are already building other options to get on with your life.

Don't tell him, just do it. You never know you may find someone better.

[Mobi]

Garro, I'm completely with you. Everything the OP has posted points to a serious problem, not just a passing fad in finding himself in Bangkok's "sweetshop".

The experts will tell you that only when he hits rock bottom will he seek help.

And if he doesn't seek help, there is little you can do.

If he won't listen to you, maybe a close friend can try to make him understand the gravity of his situation.

[NorthernStar]

Your partner needs to want to stop. I don't think that you can make him want to stop but maybe I'm wrong. Thailand is a place where many drunks hit rock bottom but it is also a place where people get sober.

Hi garro, thanks so much, that's indeed a very good point. I will speak to him and see what he thinks about all this. He might be more willing to give it a serious thought now that he is 100% depending on me. Until his pay-day anyway.

Our relationship has been damaged beyond repair, and we will only remain friends. But I'm still with him because I love him and want to help him get back on his feet. And before someone comes along and judges me, I'm the only person in this country that he can trust and he doesn't want me to go. Well, he wants me to leave him for my own sake, but doesn't want me to for his own sake.

Other than that start puting some boudaries in place that have a positive outcome, Your outcomes of rescuring your partner will only reinforce in him that it is OK to abuse you. But the sad thing here is you are giving him the green light to continue?

Thanks for your suggestion, Chris. I will read about it. And yes, you have a valid point. By always being there to clean up his shit, that's definitely the green light.

Go out and enjoy yourself, if you're not there when he gets back thats his tuff shit.

Thanks, Robski. That's an interesting point of view.

The experts will tell you that only when he hits rock bottom will he seek help.

And if he doesn't seek help, there is little you can do.

If he won't listen to you, maybe a close friend can try to make him understand the gravity of his situation.

Thanks again, Mobi. I'm not sure he's going to speak with any of his close friends about this, as he doesn't want them (including his mother) to know he is struggling. But I'll try and see.

[rixalex]

Best of luck Northern Star... you sound like an angel.

I have a friend who has exactly the same problem. He's in denial though and must admit i don't have the patience for it anymore - still friends but just avoid going out with him. Such a shame because when he's sober he's one of the kindest guys i know.

Good luck.

[Chris Lawrence]

Sorry Nth Star, I should have said this before, but good luck. You have some hard decisions to make. It won't be easy which way you go.

Try and look at yourself to see what is attracting you to your partner, thats why I was suggesting to go and talk to a professional. Sometimes you can also do this with a good friend. Get another perspective on the relationship. Maybe there is hope. But if there is no way of staying in the relationship get on with your life. Get a person that will challenge you. You don't need someone patronizing you by saying "you poor dear" or "doesn't he know how lucky he is". While you are enabling him to pick himself up and dust him down you are your worst enemy.

Love is hard but stupidity is unforgiving. You might be at the beginning of a roller coaster that could be hard to get off. A lot of emotion is invested.

The next stage for relationships is for the physical abuse to start. The hitting. That can be generated by your partner or yourself. From what you have said there is abuse there now. This is what needs to stop and respect shown by both sides.

Don't worry that you feel that you are his only support at the moment, as from what you have said he is not supportive of you. Is this what you want?

I keep you in my prayers.

[Sheryl]

As some others have said, there is no doubt that your partner is an alcoholic. But only he can decide he wants help.

Meanwhile, you can get excellent help for yourself, at no cost, from people who have been through similiar situations themselves from Al-Anon, which is a group for friends/family of alcoholics.

Al-Anon Meetings in Bangkok

Al-Anon Family Group meetings are twice a week in conference room 2 at Holy Redeemer Rectory,

123/19 Ruam Rudee Soi 5, down the street from Ploenchit Skytrain station.

Every Tuesday 17:00-18:00 (5-6 pm)

Every Saturday 16:30-17:30 (4:30-5:30 pm)

"The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or relative"

For more information, contact:

Beth, at 081.904.7562

Jane, at 089.826.8527

or email [email protected]

You might also like to check out the Al-Anon wensite www.al-anon.alateen.org

I've been through this myself and Al-Anon helped me immenseley, not only with the immediate problem but in understanding myself, how I came to be in it., etc. I really urge tyou to try it.

Good luck.

[Abrak]

Personally I dont think your partner is really an alcoholic simply a 'bad drunk' - someone who when they drink a lot their character changes for the worse. You find him impossible to be with under such circumstances and I guess so do his friends. Many other people drink as much I would guess but they simply dont have these sort of character change - I have seen it a lot.

If he is being rude and abusive when he gets drunk he is not doing it to have fun. More likely he he is drinking to cover some problem or general unhappiness. Maybe if you could get to the root of that you could stop him going on these drinking sprees.

[Chris Lawrence]

Sheryl

That is great reference information; I suggest it be posted at the beginning of this sub-forum. A lot of people may access this sub-forum for exactly the original reason NorthernStar has.

I have seen people use Alanon, and appeared to help them come to terms what they were facing. Also some wonderful people there that will go out of their way to put the hand out. The one great thing about it is it is free.

When you are in situations like this you need to talk.

[BalthazarBeefheart]

I don't want to enter into the debate whether or not your partner is an alcoholic - don't really care either it is just a label anyway.

I think the question is whether he benefits from its consumption or whether it is detrimental.

I imagine he uses alcohol as I means of escaping from the stress and anxieties of living - he also has to deal with the memories of suicide in his family.

He may well just be using the alcohol as a way to stop thinking.

I think I recall another poster on here talking about loneliness as a cause for heavy drinking.

When he reaches rock bottom - that will probably entail a lot more than losing a few mobiles - then maybe he will seek help.

Perhaps he will give up the demon drink and attend AA meetings - but this won't cure the other demons.

Maybe he will learn when stressed to do a vigorous workout at the gym instead of at the bar.

Perhaps, he will seek counselling to deal with pyschological problems as it is a well known fact that alcoholism is often a mask for these.

But what of you - all I can say that my experience tells me that of my exgf's that happened to discover my alcohol problem it was the ones who showed least tolerance that gained my respect. Sobering up after a heavy session which often ended in me insulting someone the excuses would just trip of my tongue but the ladies I stayed with the longest were the ones that would not accept these excuses and eventually dumped me because of my drinking.

I myself still prefer drinking to attending AA meetings - but have long periods of abstinence. I also try to practice damage limitation i.e leave the mobile at home along with all cards and only take a set amount of money - oh and have a substantial meal at the beginning of the session. I also try to practice being nice to people these days !

Good luck BB

[NorthernStar]

Good luck.

Thank you, rixalex.

The next stage for relationships is for the physical abuse to start. The hitting. That can be generated by your partner or yourself. From what you have said there is abuse there now. This is what needs to stop and respect shown by both sides.

Thank you again, Chris, for your post. Physical abuse has started a couple of weeks back, and I was the one who lost it first. After being insulted for hours, I slapped him. Anyway, latest episode was sort of better than the others, as most of the events occured in our apartment and he knew if he was going out on the piss all night, he wouldn't see me again. Hate the fact that it had to go that far to make him stop and think. But...

Meanwhile, you can get excellent help for yourself, at no cost, from people who have been through similiar situations themselves from Al-Anon, which is a group for friends/family of alcoholics.

Thank you very much for the contact details, Sheryl. I will contact them now.

Personally I dont think your partner is really an alcoholic simply a 'bad drunk' - someone who when they drink a lot their character changes for the worse. You find him impossible to be with under such circumstances and I guess so do his friends. Many other people drink as much I would guess but they simply dont have these sort of character change - I have seen it a lot.

If he is being rude and abusive when he gets drunk he is not doing it to have fun. More likely he he is drinking to cover some problem or general unhappiness. Maybe if you could get to the root of that you could stop him going on these drinking sprees.

Thanks for your post, Abrak. I'm not sure if he is just a "bad drunk", as one major problem with his drinking is that, when he starts, he cannot stop. He can drink non-stop for at least 24 hours. One evening, we had dinner, and he was off to a party at 9PM. I found him again at 10PM the next day. And the reason he finally told me where he was was because he was running out of money. He does indeed have other problems, the most serious one at the moment being the situation at work. We have discussed the work thing, as it is obvious it plays a big part in this. We are making a little progress.

I also try to practice damage limitation i.e leave the mobile at home along with all cards and only take a set amount of money - oh and have a substantial meal at the beginning of the session. I also try to practice being nice to people these days !

Good luck BB

Thank you, BB. He already tried leaving most of money at home (can't leave mobile at home yet as he still needs my help when getting around). But when he was drunk enough, he got a taxi home to get the money and spend it all. He is going to get access to his money in his home country very soon. That card will definitely have to stay home!

[bkkblueeyes]

Good luck.

Thank you, rixalex.

The next stage for relationships is for the physical abuse to start. The hitting. That can be generated by your partner or yourself. From what you have said there is abuse there now. This is what needs to stop and respect shown by both sides.

Thank you again, Chris, for your post. Physical abuse has started a couple of weeks back, and I was the one who lost it first. After being insulted for hours, I slapped him. Anyway, latest episode was sort of better than the others, as most of the events occured in our apartment and he knew if he was going out on the piss all night, he wouldn't see me again. Hate the fact that it had to go that far to make him stop and think. But...

Meanwhile, you can get excellent help for yourself, at no cost, from people who have been through similiar situations themselves from Al-Anon, which is a group for friends/family of alcoholics.

Thank you very much for the contact details, Sheryl. I will contact them now.

Personally I dont think your partner is really an alcoholic simply a 'bad drunk' - someone who when they drink a lot their character changes for the worse. You find him impossible to be with under such circumstances and I guess so do his friends. Many other people drink as much I would guess but they simply dont have these sort of character change - I have seen it a lot.

If he is being rude and abusive when he gets drunk he is not doing it to have fun. More likely he he is drinking to cover some problem or general unhappiness. Maybe if you could get to the root of that you could stop him going on these drinking sprees.

Thanks for your post, Abrak. I'm not sure if he is just a "bad drunk", as one major problem with his drinking is that, when he starts, he cannot stop. He can drink non-stop for at least 24 hours. One evening, we had dinner, and he was off to a party at 9PM. I found him again at 10PM the next day. And the reason he finally told me where he was was because he was running out of money. He does indeed have other problems, the most serious one at the moment being the situation at work. We have discussed the work thing, as it is obvious it plays a big part in this. We are making a little progress.

I also try to practice damage limitation i.e leave the mobile at home along with all cards and only take a set amount of money - oh and have a substantial meal at the beginning of the session. I also try to practice being nice to people these days !

Good luck BB

Thank you, BB. He already tried leaving most of money at home (can't leave mobile at home yet as he still needs my help when getting around). But when he was drunk enough, he got a taxi home to get the money and spend it all. He is going to get access to his money in his home country very soon. That card will definitely have to stay home!

this is common hes not in love with you. leave hes sorry ass. its the best help you can give him. if this SH!T is still going on.

[IMA_FARANG]

My partner has drinking problem. He can go without booze for a week or more if he has to. But once he starts drinking, he cannot stop. He drinks until he passes out somewhere and doesn't come home. Sometimes, if I'm out with him, I have to step in (usually after 3am) and drag him home - in which followed by big argument and/or fight and none of us gets to sleep until the sun comes up.

He has just moved to Thailand and started a new job. Situation at work has caused him stress, anxiety and depression. And that sure doesn't help at all.

He went out on boys night last night. He rang me at 1am saying that he might come home later. I rang him at 3am and he told me to <deleted> off as he was going to find a new place to drink. I knew where he was, but decided he had to learn his lesson a hard way (he's running short of money this month) so I didn't go out to get him home. He didn't want to come home anyway.

8am, I rang him again and his mobile was off. So, he has either passed out somewhere, or lost his mobile... again.

I'm not sure if his state is classified as alcoholism?

I love him to bits and want to help him. But I don't know how. When he is sober, he is okay and understands he has this problem. But once drinking pass the point of no return, he turns into a complete arsehol_e and verbally abuses me.

What can I do to help him? I'm at my wit's end with this problem.

I hate to have to say this to you....but he doesn't have the real problem....you do. Your problem is HIS DRINKING.

I know how hard it is, and you want to help him, but the truth is the only person who can help himself is himself.

If you stay with him, he will just drag you down with him.

Sometimes tough love is the only real love. Leave him, or make him stop drinking hmself to ruin.

[NorthernStar]

Thanks, bkkblueeyes & IMA Farang.

He finally gave up his job. He behaved for about a week. And now he has been out on the piss since Saturday evening. He has been in touch once a day since. He hasn't come home yet, even though he told me yesterday 4pm that he was having a meal and would come home afterwards.

While tidying the flat up alone yesterday, I have finally really realised that this shit has gone too far. Please don't get me wrong, I did know I had to leave him. But being a weak girl that I am, I couldn't just walk away. With his latest drinking spree, my mental health has hit rock bottom. I did all I could to help him. But sadly, like a lot of you said, the only person who can help him is himself.

I have been in touch with Al-Anon. And I am moving out this evening.

[jdinasia]

Honestly --- I would suggest Al-Anon for NorthernStar (if there are not any meetings available to you locally I am sure there must be some online al-anon communities)

I am not saying to dump him completely but (BIG BUT!) your behavior is enabling him to continue his. Stop the enabling and let him crash and burn if need be. Then maybe you can be there to help him pick up the pieces (if there are any left)

edit ... info links on al-anon

http://al-anon.org/pdf/afa2008.pdf

and a request form for online meetings info

http://al-anon.org/grpsrvreqform.html

Edited March 24, 2008 by jdinasia

[Sheryl]

While tidying the flat up alone yesterday, I have finally really realised that this shit has gone too far. Please don't get me wrong, I did know I had to leave him. But being a weak girl that I am, I couldn't just walk away. With his latest drinking spree, my mental health has hit rock bottom. I did all I could to help him. But sadly, like a lot of you said, the only person who can help him is himself.

I have been in touch with Al-Anon. And I am moving out this evening.

Glad to hear it. You're doing the right thing. And you'll find more help at Al-Anon than you can imagine, in more ways than you can imagine right now.

It gets better from here on out.

[Chris Lawrence]

Just re read some of the posts here. Hope everything is working out

Chris