7 Month Old Daughter Is Overly Clingy To Absent Mum

[torrenova]

Let's say my daughter's mother has not been terribly attentive or even "there" due to a succession of late nights, staying out etc. over the last couple of months.

Well, the baby is at the stage where she is frantic with what I describe as worry that as soon as the mother walks away, even to get a feed ready, she turns her head, the eyes well up with tears and the body will do everything in its power to propel itself in her general direction.

If you pick her up, she will still struggle and wail though in the daytime a walk into the garden or perhaps even just onto the patio will calm her down. Not always though. The return of the mother will not immediately settle her though passing her to her mother does hasten the process.

I admit I feel a little abused, forgotten, 2nd best etc. in a strange way. As I'm the primary carer for most of the time on most days and nights I have a good and stable relationship with my daughter. When the mother is absent, there are no dramas. The return of the mother causes problems and I think the baby is at an age where she can really become affected by the "missing one". Even the other day we watched cartoons in bed in the morning for a while and the baby looked over at the empty side of the bed and looked back at me. Even at 7 months, I didn't need a baby translator to figure out what she was thinking.

I liken it to the rich and either loved or despised aunt who comes to see you a couple of times a year. She brings nice and expensive gifts and wants to smother you in affection which some kids love (I hated it) but I used to see how it put the parents noses out of joint as they were there the other 364 days a year for their kids and perhaps never received that level of attention or thanks.

Don't get me wrong, I'm only worried about the effect on my daughter. The problems between her parents are not her concern but she is obviously reacting badly and over emotionally.

Now I know I knock the Thais sometimes for being this or that and I do speak my mind but it doesn't need a genious to see the problem and yet I cannot get it through to her.

The problem is now that even if she is here for days on end, the baby cannot process that fact and seems to fear the departure. I on the otherhand can walk out to the 7/11 and she'll not bat an eyelid !

Apart from the obvious getting her to knuckle down and pull her socks up, any ideas on how to help the baby settle ?

Oh yes, the baby also wants to grab her mother's face and hair a lot and certainly more than before. Are they related ?

[bina]

thats what babies do with a parent who is not around much; usually its the father that gets this treatment as mostly fathers seem (or used to be) to be the worker who isnt around much until dinner time or even later...

in this case its reversed thats all...

nothing much to be done, 'fear of abandonment' either they grow out of it or they dont... depending on the absentee parent's way of dealing when they are around... (special time for stories, feeding, bathing or whatever)...

my kids did that to their father as he wasnt around much until late evening and even then, over tired (working fields) but shower time was his time with them (although ended often with frustration and tears as he was over tired too)... and then putting to bed... my youngest was clingiest about this... and later developed manipulative ways of keeping one of us around her all the time (when divorced and i started dating, her occasional migraines suddenly became timed with my going out... )... time, patience, and firmness helped work that one out...

the face and hair grabbing is usually a way to express anger at the person not around that much but it is anger mixed with frustration and fear of being left again...

and what is between u and the mother are a concern as babies get subconcious signals much better then we do so if there is additional tension and not just routine 'mom is going to work and wont be home for a few days blablabla' type stuff, daughter has picked up on it for sure...

its not like routine : one parent goes out in a.m and comes back in p.m. with regularity and children absolutely love regularity or predictability, so that if things arent predictable, then it upsets them...

its a good good sign that your duaghter trusts u enough to know that when u leave, u return. it means u arent ambivalent about your signals : u leave and u say, i'll be back, and u are back... so baby trusts u... 100%. its mom she doesnt rely on to stick around so therefore the clinginess... its not about loving u more or less or taking u for granted (which she should, thats the right of every baby, to take for granted that a loving parent is there for her no matter what)... so feel good that are obviously doing right. btw, again, often the reverse happens with stay at home mothers with father at work... the kids 'love' the father, and cant wait to be with him, its the mother doing the punishing, cleaning, daily routine loving, and getting less attention from the kids because its routine and predictable and stable.

use the time wisely. dont give in to spoiling her to make up for lack of mom being around, or reinforcing tantrums etc... keep up the story reading or cartoon watching or other regular activities

... and work out with mom what needs to be worked out w/o using the child as the 'guilt trip' motif...

my own personal thoughts, plus obviously the tips i get from my ever helpful sis in law (professional child caretaker on kibbutz)

bina

israel

[torrenova]

Cheers Bina. I suppose I didn't want to say pretty much the same as I thought I would be banging my own drum.

Totally agree with the fear of not coming back due to the non routine thing and the subconcious. I don't need to over compensate I think as she "seems" to understand. Daft I know but I talk to her and you actually think she can at least feel my words if not understand them. At least I know they comfort her.

I won't allow her to be used as a bargaining chip which causes its own problems with the mother but I lay the law down there.

Just trying to make her passage through the days and weeks as smooth as possible given the difficult road at least one of her parents is travelling along.